Day 1588
"I'm not supposed to miss you, I'm not supposed to care."
-Debra Cox
I knew this day would come. In fact, I'm impressed it hadn't happened sooner than it did. I'm not surprised it happened. Just surprised that it hurts so fucking much.
All I ever wanted in my life was for you to be happy, but here I am wishing that you weren't. Wishing that it was me getting engaged to someone instead of you or at least me getting engaged to you instead of her.
I know, I know I have no fucking room to talk because I won't ever tell you what's actually going on instead my head. But guess what. You dumped me, so there is no reason for me to tell you exactly what is going on inside my head. Do you want to know why that is? It's because I apparently don't mean as much to you as I thought I did. Of all the things you could have warned me about, your engagement could have been one of them.
What kills me, Theo, is that you knew I'd see it and find out in a less than opportune way. Something like that would have been easier to take with some warning. Sure it still would have hurt, but at least I could have been mentally prepared to deal with the feelings that undoubtedly would be building up inside of me.
I thought that when this would actually happen, I would have been in a relationship of my own that would have made the sting a little more bearable. I would have at least have something besides firewhisky to soften the blow. I thought that when this happened, I'd be over you.
Apparently I'm not that lucky.
Never have been.
Never will be.
Although I don't think you thought this entire thing through. Remember what you enjoy talking to me about? Remember what happened when you two moved to a completely different neighborhood? Just think about those feelings times about a thousand and maybe you'll be on the same level of frustration that I'm on.
From now on, consider yourself lucky if I even consider responding to your messages. If I want to properly be able to deal with my own mental health and well-being, then I won't be able to stomach talking to you without diving into a spiral that no one wants to see me in.
Luckily Hermione's here to keep me from diving into a bottle, but that won't stop me from trying to at least dampen the pain I'm feeling. But I don't even know why I feel pain. I shouldn't feel pain. I've cried my tears over your. I've allowed my heart to mourn your loss.
So why now? Why does it have to hurt now? Oh yeah, that's right because I'm the fucking moron who is still head over heels in love with you. Yet at the same time, I'm the fucking moron who won't just tell you how exactly I feel.
Not that telling you how I feel would change anything. I actually think that at this point it would make things worse. At this point, you don't have any other choice other than turning me down. You've made yourself completely off limits to me.
You know the lines I won't cross, regardless of how many times you have asked me to. Sure I've considered it, but it's something I will never change about myself. Now that seems as though to be my only option.
Why is it that the next one after me is the one that seems to be forever? You aren't the first one to break my heart and then find your forever and always, and I'm sure you won't be the last either. First it was Harry and then he was quickly followed by Ron. My life is just a revolving door for wizards to find their happily ever after once they've gotten most of what they want from me.
I can't put a finger on the reasons why that's the case for my life, which means I can't change it and stop it from again in the future. If I knew why, then maybe I'd be able to do something to make it stop and be able to be happy in my life. However until that day comes, I guess I'm not allowed to be happy. That's something I'm just going to have to learn to deal with.
As much as I hate you, I do wish you well.
No matter how difficult things get for me, there's one thing I want for you.
I hope you're happy.
