Chapter 9

Perhaps an hour later, once I've soaked in the tub for a while, steeping in my utter bliss, it occurs to me that I've neglected a very important duty. Guilt starts to writhe around in my guts, and I bitterly drain out the tub, dry off, and get dressed again. Because I have to go outside for this I'll need an escort, so I seek out Reginald.

Once again I knock at his door, and when he looks up he notices the tension in me right away. "What's wrong?"

"Would you accompany me on an errand out on the grounds?" I ask, not wanting to really get into it.

He nods, and sets the book aside before getting up from the chair. I precede him, not wanting to make conversation. I know my attitude is something of the polar opposite to how I left him before, but he's taking it in stride and giving me my space.

The path to my destination is narrow but still clear. Father walks it every morning, I'm fairly sure. Reginald follows along quietly, until at least we come to a small headstone in a clearing. Flowers grow all around it, and I sigh. "Hello, Mother."

The templar remains back just a little bit when he realizes what this is, and after glancing at him I turn back to the headstone. "Things are going well at the circle. I'm not an abomination yet, which makes it eleven successful, unmonstrous years. If you would, please ask Andraste to allow me another one. I'd really appreciate it." I take in a deep breath, feeling stupid for being nervous. "Mother... this is Reginald. He's a templar. I also like him, quite a lot, romantically. He's a very nice man, and I hope one day things will be easier. Because they aren't now. But... at least they're better."

I'm starting to feel anxious, so I swallow. "That's it for this year, mother. Thank you for seeing me into the world before you left it." I turn on my heal and walk back down the path, feeling unaccountably foolish. Saying these things feels proper when I'm alone, but with Reginald watching? I'm just saying gibberish to a stone.

About halfway back to the house, Reginald asks "Sulwyn?" He says my name twice more, until at last his gauntlet comes to rest on my shoulder and I stop walking on reflex. My eyes lower to my hands, my body tense. He circles around to stand in front of me, but I don't meet his gaze, stubbornly looking down at my fingers.

"I wouldn't even blame father for hating me" I say softly. "She died in childbirth. I lived, and she didn't."

My handler breathes out slowly, giving my shoulder a gentle squeeze. "It's not your fault."

My teeth grit, and I turn my head away.

He turns my chin towards him, making me look at him. "It isn't. None of this is your fault. Not your magic, not your mother dying."

An unexpected tear rolls down my cheek, and I shakily ask "then whose fault is it?"

Reginald gently gathers me up, and despite pressing against his hard armor, I feel comforted. It's familiar. It's a sensation I know. "The Chantry would say that the Maker made the world, and everything that's ever happened has been his plan."

With my eyes squeezed shut, I whisper "is that what you believe?"

He caresses my back. "I'm a templar, and I'm supposed to believe what the Chantry says. But sometimes... sometimes I think that evil things just happen, for no reason, and it's up to forces of good, like Andraste, to put them right again. All you can do is hope for something better if you try hard enough."

I'm caught off guard, when he urges in barely more than a whisper "you should run away, Sulwyn."

I tense and look up at him, not believing that I'd heard him correctly. But his sad features make it clear that I hadn't misheard, and I just shake my head. "No, I couldn't. I'm no apostate. I don't want to hurt anyone." And then realization hits me. "No... oh no, Reginald... you've been training me how to fight templars if I have to."

His gaze lowers with guilt, and I shove him in the chestplate, causing him to shift back a step. He hardly resists, finally caught out now.

"Reginald! I'm not going to run away!" I insist.

His eyes darken and meet mine, and he demands "And what if the templars here start causing the same abuses the ones in Kirkwall are inflicting right now? Sulwyn, I hear news that you don't. Some of them use the mages for sport, passing the girls around like pets. Not like the games we play, but like they're slaves. I can't let that happen to you. I can't let you be made tranquil. I can't let it happen!" The terror in his voice is intense – this has clearly been bothering him for some time.

I want to try and comfort him, and assure him that such things will never reach Ostwick, but I don't know that. He seethes silently, calming slowly, and I remain with my eyes closed, pressing my hand to the side of my face. Finally I say "alright... if... if Ostwick becomes corrupted, like Kirkwall is being corrupted... I will do what I need to. And I expect you to do the same."

He looks up at me, sighing softly with relief. "I'll find you. No matter where you need to go, I'll find you." His gauntlets collect my slender, white hands, and he caresses his thumbs over my knuckles. "I promise, Sulwyn."

Unfortunately, the worst happened that year. The situation in Kirkwall exploded, their chantry was destroyed in a giant ball of light, and both the first enchanter and the knight commander were killed by the sudden and vicious fighting. Circles all over Thedas were shut down. Some of them were purged, while others simply opened their doors to give the mages a chance to get away. Ostwick's circle wasn't technically a circle any longer, but many mages remained there, to show that we were neutral and not giving in to the rebellious hysteria that would drive all Thedas against us.

Because of the desperate situation in Kirkwall, where the only mages left that hadn't fled were maleficars or skulking abominations, many of the templars in the Free Marches were transferred there to assist with rebuilding under the command of the new knight commander. That was a difficult day, when Reginald left. Our true relationship was nascent, only weeks old, but I knew that he had his duty to attend to. Rebuilding wouldn't be so bad, and soon things would settle down, now that the horror had come to a head and been purged.

But I was wrong.

The mage rebellion continued for years, and the templars that had left Ostwick didn't return. A few of them stayed in Kirkwall of their own volition to continue doing good works, but the majority left altogether when the order seceded from the Chantry, to join the grand mage hunt all over Thedas. Under no one's jurisdiction but their own desire for vengeance and the fury of their lyrium addiction, the templars caused as much trouble as the rogue mages.

For quite a long time, Reginald and I exchanged letters. Sometimes he was given leave to come back to Ostwick to visit, but those times were few and far between. And then, without warning, his letters stopped coming. I didn't want to accept the possibility that he was dead, but with the land in such chaos, record keeping was sporadic and imprecise. So I waited, and helped those who had stayed in Ostwick's circle, trying to wait out this terrible time while maintaining some sense of tradition and normalcy. In time I found myself to be one of the more senior mages, not because of my age, but because I was one of the few powerful mages who'd elected to stay.

In 9:41 Dragon, I was selected to represent Ostwick at the Conclave in Haven. Led by the Divine, this seemed like the first real chance to bring peace to Thedas, and possibly even create new laws to grant mages their freedom. During that year even more chaos broke out. The Conclave was destroyed by a creature so ancient and powerful that few could comprehend him. Everyone there died but me, and it was a long time before I regained my memories of what had happened. I had known that there had been templar delegates there, but without my memories, I couldn't know if Reginald had been one of them. It ate away at me, giving me nightmares, so I devoted myself entirely to the Inquisition, as it came to be named. Through shear, dumb luck, I was granted the power to save the world.

It took nearly a year of constant, grueling effort, violence, negotiation, and sacrifice, but the creature was eventually defeated, his pieces scattered back to the fade for good. The members of the Inquisition had become my friends, though after a while they returned to their lives. Dorian left, as did Vivienne. Leliana left to seek out the Hero of Ferelden, her beloved, and I wished her luck, knowing what it's like to be parted by time and distance. I heard, too, that Hawke finally returned to Kirkwall to be with Merrill again, and that made me happy to hear.

Still, it's 9:42, and it's been five years since I've seen Reginald. At this point I'm almost certain that I'll never see him again, and I hope that if he's alive, then at least he's happy and has started a family for himself.