I hate me a little bit too.
They did their best to keep the real world at bay, but work slapped them in the face with case after case. Crime after crime. They did their best. Lunches, coffee breaks, dinners when they could. But she still felt like he was keeping her just far enough away. Every time they pushed into something more physical, he always found a reason to stop. He was keeping one last barrier between them and it was killing her.
She pushed her way out of the building as the sun was starting to set. She glanced up at Hogan Place as she walked by, knowing which window was his. She dug her phone out of her pocket and dialed.
"Please tell me you still like me today?" he answered.
"Always. You still working?"
"For several more hours, I fear. Early pre-trial motions with Murphy. You?"
"Headed home. Guess you aren't available for dinner then?"
"I wish, but I want to get all this knocked out in the morning so we can have our weekend."
"You are killing me, counselor!"
"Trust me, my dear, the feeling is mutual." She looked up and could see him looking out the window at her.
"Is it?" she asked, giving him a slight wave.
"What does that mean?" He leaned against the window, giving her a slight wave back.
She sighed. Another wall. "Raf…"
"Liv… ok. I know… I just..." He put his hand on the window, staring hard at her. "I have… I have something else I need to say to you. I just don't have the words yet. Trust me. I've been working on them, but it needs to be just right. Do you trust me?"
"Always."
"Then trust me on this. I want you, Olivia. Just let me find the words first, ok?" She nodded and looked around quickly before dropping her hand over her heart, looking up at him in the window.
"OK. But I'm holding you to the weekend. Get back to work so we can have a stupidly lazy weekend where you don't shave. I like scruffy you."
"Good to know" he growled into the phone. "I'll talk to you later, Liv." She nodded and disconnected the phone. He watched her walk away until he couldn't see her anymore. He sat down at his desk, staring at the mountain of paperwork and his blank yellow legal pad. He grabbed his pen and just started writing.
She walked in early the next morning. He had worked late and sent her a few texts about her and him and the late hours and how his plan was to finish early today so the three of them could get an early dinner before he passed out from exhaustion. She smiled warmly at the thought of him working so hard so that they could spend a few hours together. She would let him find his words. She owed him that.
Her eyes widened at the sight of the envelope on her desk with her name on it in his handwriting. She grabbed it, ripping it open, turning in her chair to read what was inside.
Olivia,
So, the truth is I have the words. But when I look at you and your beautiful eyes, I'm not sure I can get them out in any kind of coherent manner. You make my rational thought and ability to speak disappear sometimes.
It is four words. That's it. Four words that have the ability to break my heart and heal it at the same time.
Word number 1: Tucker
I hate that word. He's a fine guy. But his name about ended us. My heart broke in my office that day. I tried to hide it, but I'm sure I failed miserably. I was petty and hurt and angry at you choosing him over me when you had no idea that I was an option. At the time, it destroyed me. Hindsight being what it is, I know if I had just opened my mouth, said something or just kissed you senseless, we maybe could have avoided a lot of anger and hate and misery. But I didn't. I thought again that a woman I thought I had a future with was choosing a man that (a) wasn't good enough for her and (b) that was better than me. I wasn't lying when I said I drank a lot, especially while you were in Paris with him. Have I ever told you how much I love Paris? How I would close my eyes and see us walking along the streets, drinking coffee, just being together and when I would open them and be here while you were there… well, it hurt. Terribly. So, I got pissed and pushed you away. I thought it would save my sanity. But it drove me crazier. I was a bastard. You didn't know and you never deserve to be treated like that. I spent so long being miserable and mad that I found it hard to come back. But you… again, you… you started to thaw me out. Like you did when I first transferred. You took the walls I built up around my heart and my soul and slowly started to break them down. I know you think there has been a barrier still between us. That I keep you at arms-length because I'm not sure or that I want an out or that your life is too much for me. But it's not. And it never will be. And that's because of words 2, 3 and 4.
I love you.
There. You have it in writing. You are the reason I threw myself into the law. I just didn't know it till I met you. We were always destined to end up here, no matter how hard we fought back against it. I know that now within my soul. You and me. Squabbling till we are 85. That's going to be more than nice. My mother is going to be happy that I won't be married to my work anymore. Prepare yourself now, Olivia.
There you have it. The last of my barriers. I love you, Olivia Benson. And Noah too. You both are what I want in my life. So, I'm going to blow through this stack of paperwork and get to you and him as soon as humanly possible.
Rafael
This man. Those words. She pulled the letter into her chest, hugging it against her. She felt a tear fall down her face and she wiped it away as she heard "LIV!" from behind her.
She turned to Amanda standing in her doorway with a look of horror on her face as she wiped her face for good measure. "Oh God, did you hear something? Did…"
Liv shook her head. "Oh, no… I just… wait, hear what about what?"
"There was a shooting at the courthouse."
Olivia froze. "Which courtroom?"
"Judge Murphy. The defendant tried to go over to her when she…" Olivia couldn't breathe.
"Liv…" Amanda said slowly, walking toward her.
"That was Barba's pretrial motion. He…" Amanda watched as the color drained from her face.
"Liv! Let's go. I'm driving." Olivia grabbed her phone, the letter and her bag, running as fast as her legs could carry her, Amanda hot on her heels.
