Within The Fragile Substance

"You do know your mom's just going to assume half way through dinner, right?" Jill asks from the kitchen island.

I stop cutting up the tomatoes for the salad and glare at her.

"Jill," Ann warns behind me.

"She may…" Patrick starts to say, but Nikki comes to my rescue…kind of.

"Let's worry about dinner for right now ladies and…" her finger taps her chin and she looks my brother over, "Patrick."

I sigh.

"No, see I think I have a point. I mean there are four women here and three guys. Your mom knows Annie and I are married. She knows Chris and Patrick moved here…TOGETHER…and well, you and Nikki," she waves a hand between the two of us and smirks. "Sorry, but if people don't know you're together, they obviously aren't paying attention…at all." Jill gives a half-shrug. "You and the big lug you call a brother may not even need to say anything, just hold hands with Chris and Nikki. I'm sure Nancy will figure it out from there."

I wonder if Nikki will hurt me if I just impale myself on the butcher knife now.

I don't even know why I agreed to do this now. Sure, Nikki's in the clear. Her stitches are going to come out tomorrow, she can move around with general ease.

This wasn't a good idea.

Nope.

Not a good idea at all. I mean dinner with my mom, at my house, with Patrick, Chris, Jill, Ann, Bobby and Nikki?

What the fuck was I thinking?

"Nor, if it helps, I think having us here will actually help," Ann offers from her place at the stove. She was in charge of the sauce tonight. Pasta, garlic bread, salad. Simple meal for tonight.

I sigh again.

"At least you got to decide when," Nikki offers from next to me. "Daddy said he told you how he found out. That was a disaster, but," she tries to qualify, smiling, "it did turn out all right in the end." She places a hand on my arm and gives it a reassuring squeeze, "Just breathe."

I study her face, the scabbed and nearly healed wounds on her face, the hair that's just barely starting to grow back before meeting her eyes. I find reassurance in the warmth of her eyes.

I can do this.

I may throw up before I do actually do this, but I can do this.

I tip my chin and she offers me a smile.

"Here," Patrick says, hip checking me out of the way while slipping the knife from my hand, "Let me finish this up. There's not a lot left and Nikki and I already set the table. You and her should run upstairs and finish getting ready."

"You…" I try to ask if he's sure.

"Go. I got this Huggy." He winks at me and I roll my eyes.

Nikki takes my right hand and leads my upstairs.

"If you decide to have a quickie," Jill hollers from the kitchen, "make it really quick, Bobby and Chris should be back with your mom in like twenty minutes!"

My chin drops to my chest and I groan as I hear Patrick declare, "She better not. I do not need to think about my baby sister…that…with…and…just…"

"Jilly, I'm not above withholding sex from you if you don't start minding those manners I know your mom raised you with," Ann warns.

"Are we sure having them here was a good idea?" I ask Nikki as we finally hit the top of the stairs.

Nikki is all smiles, but she shakes her head. "Look at it this way sugga, at least Jill knows her role in this."

I raise an eyebrow as we begin to undress.

"She's gonna be the comic relief. It's gonna get tense. Jill will help," my girl reasons.

Maybe she's right. I mean, really, I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have with me tonight than the people that are going to be here.

"Now come on," Nikki purrs, pulling me closer to her by the belt loops of my jeans, "what can I do to help you relax?" She leans in and nips the tip of my chin.

I give off a low rumble as I feel her smile. Her lips trail up to the corner of my lips and then farther north to my cheek, across the bridge of my nose and down again.

I melt into her.

"Can we just stay up here?" I mumble as her hands roam over my back and ass.

"Nope," she breathes, "I will not be introduced to your mother as your girlfriend while we are mid coitus." She pulls back and wiggles her eyebrows, "I feel that we've already exposed ourselves to one of your family members that way and I wouldn't want to be so unoriginal."

I groan and let my head fall to her shoulder.

I think I may be sick.


Pleasant.

Forced and pleasant.

I've also only nearly thrown up once.

You think this'd be easier. I mean we set the table up so that she sat at the head of it. Patrick was to her right and I was to her left. Then Chris was to his right, Nikki to my left with Ann and Jill sitting across from one another. We made sure to put Jill by Nikki…just in case. With Bobby sitting opposite mama at the other end of the table. Ann got to keep him in line.

Through salad and dinner, my mother picked up on nothing…or maybe she's just ignoring it. She's always been really good at that. If I didn't know any better I'd swear there was ostrich somewhere in the gene pool.

And now…now the pasta isn't sitting too well and I really want to smack the living shit out of Patrick 'cause he looks calmer than anyone here.

How can he do this?

How can he sit there next to her and not feel like I do?

I think I should be drunk for this.

Things like this are always easier when I've downed a set of shots and a few beers.

Hey, that's an idea; we should bust out the good bourbon Arthur bought us.

I feel a hand squeeze my thigh and I jump, hitting my knee on the underside of the table. This causes a

small chain reaction. First is the squeak of surprise from my mother. Twin smirks from Patrick and Chris and an 'ok' from Jill as her wife glares at her. Bobby looks amused and Nikki, she's giving me the 'you're being a spaz, calm the hell down' look.

"What?" I croak.

"I wasn't sure if you are trying to start a motorcycle or run a marathon while sitting, Nora. That habit of yours needs to be controlled," Nikki answers quietly.

I open my mouth, but nothing really comes out of it except a grunt. So I shut it and try to dial back in on the conversation. "So, Patrick, tell us, why do you keep on calling our Nora 'Huggy'?" Ann asks out of nowhere.

"Pat…" I try to warn him off.

"She's never told any of you?" my mother asks a little incredulous.

"Mom, please," I plead.

"Here," Patrick speaks up, "Let's just get this over with now that we got everyone here." He clears his throat and I move to crawl under the table, but Nikki's hand clutching the waist of my jeans prevents me from getting any farther than bent down with my head stuck under the table top. "It was Halloween, Seventy-nine, and my little sister had a hard time finding what to be for that particular year. I had been tasked with taking her and Bobby around 'cause Terry had something to go to…"

"He had a date," my mother chimes in.

Resigned, I sit up in my seat and receive a silent 'thank you' from Nikki.

"That's right," Patrick's face lights up in remembrance. "I was fixin' to leave, but Nora here hadn't

brought her cute little eight year old ass outta the bedroom yet."

Jill, Ann and Nikki crowed with laughter and my partner's hand gives our linked hands under the table a good squeeze as she says, "I think I would be willing to kill to have known you at eight."

"Laugh it up, Beaumont; don't think I won't get some dirt on you from your daddy."

She just sticks her tongue out at me as my brother continues, "So, Bobby's got a little Casper costume on and I'm in my football jersey and jeans when Nora comes down the steps. To this day," he says poking a finger at the table top, "none of us know where she got the clothes, but here our little Nora comes tromping down the steps in these ridiculous platform shoes and teal, velvet track suit." He pauses as I watch mouths drop open and all eyes turn to me. "And the best pimp hat I've ever had the pleasure of seeing."

The whole table erupts in gales of laughter, even me as I feel the blood rush to my cheeks.

He manages to quiet the table down some as the punch line finally hits, "She's on the landing, her hands on her skinny ass hips, looking up at me, ma and little man over here and says, 'Yo, name's Huggy Bear, you seen Hutch or that fool partner of his, Starsky?'"

I bury my head in my hand and groan.

I was eight.

My brothers watched that show religiously.

I found the clothes in Terry's closet…the shoes…I borrowed from our next door neighbor.

"Sugga, please tell me he's joking?" Nikki cackles in my ear.

I can only shake my head.

She leans in a little closer and whispers, "If I didn't love you before…I sure the hell don't now."

I glare at her with her bright red cheeks and eyes full of tears from laughing. I want to do nothing more than kiss away her little jibe and remind her just how much I know she does love me, but I don't.

I don't because my mother's sitting off to my right and she doesn't know how amazing it is to be me and love Nikki the way that I do.

Drawing in a breath, I let it out slow, steady and measured as the table finally settles down. I send a look to my brother. The supposedly older, wiser one that truth be told has always been a little larger than life to me. Having him back sure is going to be fun. He nods and I know. It's time for me to take the lead.

I squeeze Nikki's hand, running the pad of my thumb over the inside of her palm. She looks over at me and I find the last little push I need.

"I hope ya'll are getting a good laugh," I try for hurt, but they all know. "Ann, Jill, Bobby, I have enough dirt on the three of you." I waggle a finger at Chris and warn, "I know people Mr. Zermano, remember that."

My brother's partner puts his hands up and shakes his head. "We're cool. I'll just have to remember to stay on your good side, Huggy."

With that the table busts up again.

I feel a hand clamp over my right arm and look over at my mom. I look over at her and she's smiling away.

It's good to see her smile.

"Hey mama," I say barely loud enough to be heard above another wave of laughter, but they do hear me and they quiet down some, "I, uh, thanks for coming over tonight."

"But Hug and I wanted to talk to you," Patrick pipes up.

"Oh," my mom says still smiling. "You two look so serious."

"It's not too serious," I try to ease her mind a little, "Uh, just that," I lick my lips and scratch at the back of my neck. I hadn't actually figured what or how I'm going to tell her. "Uhm, you know how you're always pestering me about…"

Her face lights up and she gushes, "Oh, you're seeing someone!" Then she looks over at Patrick, "You too, honey?"

"Well, yeah," I mumble, "I mean yes, but I have been, actually, for a while. It's just that with work, I, we can't really say anything…"

"You're seeing Dan," my mother continues to beam.

I grit my teeth.

Sometimes, I swear that woman is like a dog with a bone.

"No," I grit out, "I'm not seeing Dan, mama, Dan is my boss, a friend, but will not be anything more."

"Well then who, dear and when can I meet him?" she asks patting my arm.

"You have," I breathe. I draw in another breath and pull mine and Nikki's hand above the table, letting it rest between our dinner plates.

My mother's eyes cut to our linked hands and her eyes grow a little large.

Guess Jill was right.

"I, we didn't, can't say anything because of work. They'll split us up, but I, it's time for you to know. I promised daddy before, he made me promise not to say anything to you…" the rest of the sentence gets caught somewhere between my brain and my lips momentarily but I press on, "He didn't want you to know. I just, I can't keep that promise to him anymore. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for lying to you, but I was only trying to protect you…protect me."

Her mouth hangs open a second before her eyes snap to Patrick. She chokes out, "What did you…" Her eyes travel down to Patrick and Chris' hands linked together across from Nikki and mine. "You…?"

Patrick nods before saying, "I wanted to bring him home and give everyone a chance to know him."

"When?" she manages.

"Uh, well, Chris and I…a while, but me, uhm, I've known since I was fourteen or so," Patrick answers, his chin held a little higher.

"You?" my mother snaps at me.

"I, uh, well, uhm, since I was twenty-one," I answer.

"Oh." Her lips purse and she looks at Chris and Patrick and then turns the same critical eyes to Nikki and me. "How long?" she points a finger between me and Nikki.

"Four years August Twenty-first," I tell her.

"Four years?" she snips.

I nod.

"You?" the demand directed at her eldest.

"Nine," he says.

"You two have been lying to me that long?" The pads of her thumb and ring finger on her right hand rub together furiously.

"I, just, I didn't want…"

"Mama, I couldn't say anything. The military…"

She shakes her head, stopping the excuses falling from our lips. "You two have looked me in the eye and lied to me. For years." Her eyes snap to Bobby and she points a finger at him, "You knew."

Bobby just ducks his head.

The action causes my mother to push back from the table and stand. The set of her shoulders as she plants her hands on the table tells me pretty much all I need to know. Her head comes up and she looks between me and her son. "This isn't how I raised you two. You're daddy, God rest his soul, was stuck in his ways, but he did everything he could to make sure that we had a roof over our heads and food on the table. My job was to make sure that the four of you were raised with a bit of sense and the good graces to respect your parents and their wishes, but this…"

She shakes her head and the tears that were built up spill down her cheeks. "I worry. Do you know what it's like to be in a constant state of worry? Do you know that not a day goes by that I don't worry about each of you? That I hope with everything I have that I did my job okay and you are at least sort of happy and safe?"

"Mama," Patrick tries to cut in and for that I sit stunned as she smacks him across the face, shutting him up.

"You sit right back down Patrick Matthew Delaney!" She waits for him to sit before she ramps right back up, "You know what a parent wants for her children? She wants them to be safe, to be happy, to find someone that they can share their life with so that they know what it's like, what you went through when they have kids of their own. And here you two are, me worrying about you two the most out of the four of you, carrying on, living this life that you didn't even bother to tell the woman that raised you about!" She stops and gives her head a good a shake.

Her head swivels to me and then back to Patrick. "Let's be perfectly clear here, Patrick Michael and Nora Marie, I could give two licks about this whole…" her hand waves around, "but I know for damn sure I raised you two better than this. Do you think that little of me?" Her hand goes up as my mouth opens to say something. "No, you know what; I don't think I really want the answer to that question. Bobby, I'll deal with you on the ride home. I do think it's time to leave."

"Mama, don't, Nikki and I want you to stay," I reach out trying to stop her.

She smacks my hand away and then shoots a glare at Nikki. She looks around, finally taking in the dining room. Her eyes scan the room and she spins around, walking towards the living room. Her head cocks to the side. "You two…that's why I've never been here. You two live together?"

She spins on her heel and goes back to shooting daggers at me. I can only nod.

"Nora and I've lived together for a while, ma'am," Nikki tries to interject. "I know it's a lot to take in, but Nora never meant to hurt you. We have to be careful, you see, at work, they'll separate us…"

"Detective, please don't. Don't sit there and try to make excuses for my daughter," My mom snaps.

"Now look here," Nikki starts in, rising from her seat and letting go of my hand, "I understand your ang…"

"Do you have children?" my mom interrupts her, "No, I don't know why I asked, of course you don't."

Nikki's mouth closes.

"Well, when you and my daughter decide to have kids that you don't want to tell me about then you can tell me how to feel, but right now, you just sit that tail of yours right down and explain to me how you have the audacity to tell me not only how I should feel, but how you have carried on with my daughter behind my back, not even having the common decency to tell me yourself."

This stops Nikki. Her mouth clamps shut, but she doesn't sit down.

"Wait a minute," my lover says after a beat, "I'll give you that I don't, can't understand your perspective, but you will not come into our home and make the woman I love feel guilty for trying to protect you and honor the wishes of her father, the man that made her promise silence about all of this to begin with."

My mother heads to the door, snatching her purse off the back of the chair before yelling for Bobby, "Robert Eugene take me home."


Resting my hands on her hips, she presses me against the kitchen sink. Her hands run up my arms to lock her fingers behind my neck. Gently, I rest my forehead against hers mindful of the still healing wounds.

Her lips brush against mine as she whispers, "Are you okay?"

I swallow and shake my head. I'm not sure what I am right now. Her grip tightens in response causing me to lean in to her. I shut the rest of the noise, the outside chatter of our family and the inside noise, out to focus on her.

I distill my world down to Nikki Beaumont and finally breathe.

The seconds we are pressed together into an unaccountable number of minutes. We breathe the same air. Her exhale is my inhale as she holds me up.

"Nora," her voice splits the cocoon I've constructed in my head, "It'll be okay."

For some reason, I'm really not that worried. I think I should be...

But…

The only thing I can seem to feel is a very shaky form of relief. It's a lot like how I feel after chasing someone down or actually, it's more like after I've been shot at.

More like that than anything.

Shaky, but relieved.

I let her know this as I press our lips together. Nikki responds readily. I let her probing tongue through and drag my hands north.

We haven't made love in nearly a month. Came close on more than one occasion, but between doctor's orders, interruptions and exhaustion, it's not something…not a way we have reconnected just yet.

If it doesn't happen soon, I may just kill someone.

The counter digs into my back as Nikki uses her knee to press between my legs and force me further into the countertop. I groan and pull back to take a breath, squeezing her sides. Nikki tenses under my touch and grunts.

"Shit, Nik, you okay, I'm sorry," I pull back immediately and apologize.

She waves it off, but her eyes are shiny with tears. "More tender than I thought, sugga." She taps the tip of my nose and smiles. "Seems like it's going to be a bit longer," she husks into my ear, "That or I up my pain meds for an evening."

I manage a thick swallow and nod combination before teasing, "Don't tempt me."

This earns me a smile from her and a loud cough from the archway of the kitchen. Ann rests against the wall with a huge grin on her face. "You know I was coming in here to check on you, but, Nik, it looks like you got it covered."

"Not as well as I'd like," Nikki pouts before looking Ann over and saying, "But I can at least help a little in the living room." She gives me a crooked smile before trying to leave.

As she passes Ann, my friend says, "You can help out by sitting your ass down and not causing any more damage to yourself. We won't be able to keep Nora together if anything else were to happen."

Nikki ignores her and disappears from my line of site. I shake my head and close my eyes. I try to regroup and feel Ann slide up next to me. She bumps our shoulders and asks, "Need anything?"

I shake my head. "I'm actually kinda tired," I admit.

"I can see why," she says simply.

This is not the end of what she wants to say. I can feel it. I open my eyes and turn my gaze towards her. Sapphire blue eyes blink back at me and I raise an eyebrow. "That it? You just come in here to bust up Nikki and I making out in the kitchen or was there more?"

She stares at me for a blink before her a smile breaks across her features. Her left arm slings over my shoulders and I lean my head against her shoulder. "I can worry about you. Hush."

I laugh a little and say, "I think I'm okay. I mean it feels weird. I feel good about being honest with her, but then…she was so pissed off. I mean…" I right myself and run a hand through my hair.

"I can't understand," Ann admits, "I mean really the only people that I had to come out to that meant anything were Lee, Jill and her parents. Those were the only ones that mattered."

I bob my head. "You ever think about what your parents would think?"

Ann shrugs. "I think the real question is whether or not I'd give a shit what they thought…you, though, totally different. And we're not deflecting here…"

"We're not shrinking me."

"Hmm, a little," she says wiggling her eyebrows, "Give it a shot, you may just like it."

"I doubt it," I say dully, "I think I'd rather stick my hand in that blender behind you and turn it on."

"You better not," Nikki says from the exact same position Ann was in a few minutes ago. "That hand will be put use at some point in the very near future and I need you uninjured and carbed up."

Ann's laughter fills the kitchen as I flush from the tips of my ears and down.

"They're kicking us upstairs, by the way…"

"You mean they're kicking you out," Ann guesses.

"Six of one, half a dozen of another," Nikki waves her off. "So we're going to bed."

Ann leans over and kisses my cheek. "G'night, hon." She saunters away and offers Nikki a shoulder squeeze before I hear her holler, "Jilly, why don't we round up your newly acquired gay brothers in arms and take them out for a little fun?"

Jill squeals, "Best. Idea. Ever." Nikki and I look each other over as Jill sing-songs, "Patty, Chrissy, get your selves together, we're going out."

Nikki tries to cover the grin with the back of her hand and I shrug. I move in front of her and take her hand away. "You really tired?" I ask.

She shakes her head and cocks an eyebrow.

Hmm…I love that look.

"My only requirement is that you're gentle." She licks her lips and I nod.

"I can do gentle," I murmur and lean in to nip her ear lobe. She shudders under me before I pull away and lead her upstairs.

I'm going to have to thank Ann later for emptying out the house. She's a sly one.