Summary: Garrus' lunch did not turn out the way he wanted. (Thanks guys! I wanted to say this now: It was you guys who made it possible for this. So many of you on both AOE3 and has read and gave me such great support! Love you all!)


He had not been listening.

"Fuck me!" Tali was totally excited suddenly.

"That's nice," Garrus said softly, still looking at the content of the bag currently in his hands.

"Wait! What?" Garrus pulled his head back in alarm. "No!"

"What?" Tali looked as confused as Garrus was shocked. "Keelah! Not like that! I meant the menu! Look at the choices they have for dexo food here!"

"Spirits!" Garrus sighed with relief. "You have been hanging around Donnelly and Daniels way too much. You are starting to sound like them."

"Oh, I like sounding like them," Tali laughed. "They give a whole lot of new meanings to regular everyday words which I now use around Daro'Xen to send her into sudden convulsions."

"She's not the only one you're sending into sudden convulsions," Garrus said.

"Oh Garrus," Tali teased seductively. "You know I couldn't possibly try steal you from Shepard."

"Hmmm...because mmmaybe," Garrus said. "While you have a shotgun, Shepard is an actual, living, breathing, walking arsenal?"

"That," Tali pointed a casual finger at him. "And you two are way too cute together."

"Don't let Shepard hear you say she is cute," Garrus chuckled, tucking the content and folding the bag nicely before putting it aside on the restaurant table. "Or she might throw you up a tree and beat you with its branches."

"So what's that thing in there?" Tali asked, her finger now pointing at the bag. "I thought you said you were done with shopping for the apartment?"

Garrus looked at the bag and smiled. "That," he said proudly, patting it. "Is the only bottle of Palaven Made Ruso Chocolate Syrup in the entire Citadel. It took me forever to get, what with the situation with the Reapers. I had to ask an ex-colleague to throw in some favors to find it the last time we docked. I went to pick it up from him just before coming here."

"I thought you didn't care much for chocolate?" Tali took the bag and the bottle out to examined it. "You practically gave me all the dexo chocolate Doctor Michel gave you the last time."

"Speaking of those chocolates, Tali. Did you have to warn Shepard like that about Doctor Michel?" Garrus took the bottle and put it back into the bag. "It took her days to forget it! Do you know how moronic Shepard sounded when she tried to mimic the Doctor's accent? I will never look at Doctor Michel the same way again without thinking about that awful accent Shepard tried to pull."

"So why get more chocolate now?" Tali laughed.

"This is different. I have plans for this."

There was a moment of contemplation in Tali's helmet as her mask eyed the bag.

"Oh Keelah!" Tali squealed and giggled. "You two are kinky!"

"Hush, you bucket head! I wasn't...," Garrus frowned. "For someone who hides inside a can and is being sterilized all the time, you sure have a dirty mind."

"Whoever told you sterilization will cure a dirty mind?" Tali was all seductive again.

"Who has a dirty mind?" Joker's voice came from behind Garrus. "Because if you're talking about those vids on the Volus in both your mails, I swear it was the automatic "resend" system's fault, not mine."

"There is no automatic "resend" system in your mails, Jeff," EDI said.

The other two members of their little lunch gathering had finally arrived. Joker took a seat next to Tali while EDI took hers next to Garrus. Immediately upon sitting, Joker snatched Tali's menu from her hands and started scrolling through it.

"You gelatin bones bosh'tet!" Tali snatched the menu back and hit him with it. "Get your own!"

"Ouch! You drain cap mouth! How many times do I have to tell you to watch the ribs?"

Tali stood up and hit Joker on the head with the menu.

"Aww! Aww! Aww!"


After a moment or so of watching the two in front of him and laughing at Joker's dismay, Garrus turned to EDI.

"This is...amusing," EDI said without a hint of amusement showing on her A.I. face.

Garrus sighed and stood up to catch the menu and take it off Tali's hands. It was a regular thing they did in the mass hall at mealtimes. Joker never failed to get in trouble with Tali, Tali never failed to retaliate right off with assumed violence, EDI never failed to watch in deadpan amusement and Garrus had to be the one to intervene to put a stop to it.

To do that this time, Garrus first had to move over to Tali's side of the table. With one hand grabbing her arm while the other grasping the wrist she was using to hit the menu on Joker's SR2 cap protected head, he then proceed to swing Tali around enough for him to wrestle the menu away. He was just about to let her arm go when a flash of energy singed the menu and sent it flying out of his hand. If he was not wearing his armor gloves, his talons might have been burnt by the icy cold biotic surge along with it. Both he and Tali turned from staring at the destroyed menu to the person responsible. Joker lifted the hands he was using to protect his hat and gapped at the person. EDI was still expressionless, showing her amusement.

Standing in front of the group just outside the perimeter of the restaurant was Kadian Alenko, face spasming with unspeakable fury.


Funny how the person you least wanted to see always ended up the person you most likely would meet.

Alenko was fuming when he left the Shepard and Wrex back at the other restaurant and was marching back to his hotel when he past this dandy restaurant and heard the familiar dual-toned laughter. He did not want to see Garrus Vakarian right now but the sound of his laughter made his rage burnt so much brighter that he found himself stepping toward the voice, both fists balled up, ready to dispense his biotics into the Turian's body. He could not believe what Shepard and the Turian did to him. He could not believe they could hurt him that way. They were friends before! It was hard to think Shepard could be so heartless. But he could see Garrus Vakarian having a hand in it. Even back in the days, it had seemed so easy for Vakarian to pick up a conversation with Shepard while he and Liara had both struggled trying to speak with her. Vakarian had always been so suave. He must have played games with Shepard's mind with those smooth words. Alenko walked closer to the sound of the laughter and when he saw the one responsible for stealing his love and taking away his chance of becoming the father to the child of the only woman he would like to call his wife, all hell broke lose for Kaidan Alenko.


"What the hell, Kadian?" Garrus asked.

"Don't you dare speak to me!" Kaidan shouted. The other patrons of the restaurant sitting closest to the group had suddenly dispersed away to nowhere.

"First you conned her into sleeping with you and then you got her pregnant! I trusted you as a friend!"

"Pregnant?" Joker asked.

"Who is pregnant?" that was from Garrus.

"I believe Major Alenko meant Shepard," EDI said. "Since she is the only person Garrus has slept with over the past year."

The other three around the table were quiet.

"Keelah!" Tali at last covered her mouth port. "Garrus! Shepard is pregnant? How could that even happen?"

"What?" Garrus shouted but that one word was cut short when a blast of Reave almost hit his front armor if he had not been quick enough to dodge out of the way.

EDI immediately stood up so to provide cover for Joker, who quickly hid behind her while Tali flipped the table they were occupying just a moment ago to give her friend some cover.

"Are you out of your mind!" she screamed at Alenko.

"Out of my mind?" Alenko shouted back and then pointed his finger at the overturned table. "I cried when she was dead. I mourned! Where were you? Then the moment she came back you jumped her! You fucking jumped her behind my back!"

"Kaidan," Garrus tried hard to be reasonable. "Calm down and stop letting emotions cloud your mind! Think!"

Another blast of biotics hit, this time at the table Garrus was hiding behind, sending the table jerking but holding it own against the assault.

"Fuck!" Joker cursed. "His L2 must have fried his brains!"

"Alenko!" Tali screamed at him. "You bosh'tet! You're the only one among the old crew who still have no idea what Shepard's like! You think she can be tricked or stolen? You need to accept that she was the one who made her choice before you destroy the friendship you two might still have!"

When there was no sudden movement from Alenko, Tali continued.

"You might have mourned and weeped for Shepard when she died, but you did try to move on. Garrus mourned but he was so stupid, he never even thought of moving on! You continued on with life, he went Keelah Se'lai to it and ran head first into firing gunships! You cannot blame him for being a more bosh'tet romantic than you!"

"Really, Tali?" Garrus said from his cover. "Seriously? I don't even know if I should feel complimented or insulted."

Alenko loosened his fists and seemed to have a slight realization in his eyes. The rage in them disappeared. His shoulder slummed and his breath caught a slower and deeper rhythm. Tali saw that as a good sign and slowly walked around the chair that was between herself and Alenko to move closer to him.

"You need to let it go," she said. "Shepard's didn't cheat on you and Garrus didn't con her. Shepard just like the awkward, dopey romantics who knows nothing on how to be remotely romantic and Garrus , being the bosh'tet he is, fits perfectly."

"Oh, I am so absolutely faltered now, Tali," Garrus said behind the table.

Tali ignored Garrus.

"See," Tali said. "You're good looking and you're one great solider. You've seen how girls swooned over you? You don't see Garrus getting that kind of attention."

"I get attention!" Garrus shouted. "I had the chocolates, remember?"

Tali glared at Garrus to shut up through her mask without turning from Alenko.

"And you know how Shepard loves finding derelicts and salvaging their parts for credits? That's her thing. And Kaidan, you know you are more. You aren't some derelicts looking to be salvaged for parts. That's why Shepard was never attracted to you the way she is attracted to Garrus."

"I am not a derelict!" Garrus was not getting it. "And I'm not salvageable...! I mean I don't need salvaging!"

Keelah! There were two asses in front of her and both had heads as thick in measurement as the diameter of her home planet. How did Shepard managed to sleep with both?

Then, as if he caught a second wind, Alenko's biotics flarred up again and something in his eyes reignited. He roared and pushed toward the table, toward Garrus.

"Shall I shoot him, Jeff?" EDI asked Joker who had came out from hiding behind her to stand apprehensively next to her.

"Huh? Jesus, No!" Joker almost screamed. "Just... just get something to stop him before he hurts himself or Garrus!"

"Very well then, Jeff," EDI said.

Coolly and in a flash, EDI kicked up Garrus' bag from where it had fallen on the ground, grabbed and tore the bottle out and aimed it at Alenko. With an A.I. accuracy at ninty-nine point nine nine nine eight percent and an applied pressure of exactly twenty-two point seven two six force per unit area applied in Alenko's direction, EDI pointed and forced squirted the syrup out from its cover onto his face with great velocity. The bottle cover gave a 'pop' sound as it landed on Alenko's nose and a spray of chocolate syrup followed onto his eyes and cheeks, sending him flying backward against the railing. Trying hard to maintain but losing his balance, Alenko accidentally set lose a surge of biotic barrier that bounced him off the ground and fumbled him over the railing onto the grass latch attached. EDI watched him fell in a surreally calmed manner over the bottle of now emptied chocolate syrup she wielded in her hands like a shotgun as her lover and friends rushed over to look at Alenko's twitching and squirming form.

"Holy shit!" Joker exclaimed.

"Keelah!" Tali cawed.

"My Ruso Syrup!" Garrus shrieked.

"Your syrup broke my nose!" Alenko yowled.

"No Major. I broke it," EDI asserted.


To put it plainly, Alenko finally had his most embarrass moment. First, he lost his cool in public, which he never did. Next, he practically assaulted Garrus, which he should not have. Then, he was bested by a female with a grocery item. After which, he had fallen unglamorously over the railing with a broken nose. To top it all off, he was now slinged over the shoulder of the same female who had bested him with a dexo dessert topping, his hair and face in a bloody, chocolatey mass as she ran him to the hospital at a speed faster than the best sky car. Being carried like that with a broken nose and messy hair had got to be the most embarrassing thing among all the embarrassing things he just did. Of course, he had no idea this was not the first time a female had carried him in this way. He was unconscious on Mars when Shepard had done the same to get him back to the ship. But even that could not have been worse because there were no bystanders watching the parade on Mars like there were now. This had to be worse than the day he was attacked by the A.I., Doctor Eve, and almost died on Mars...

"You've GOT to be kidding me!" Alenko cried out from on top of EDI's shoulder when he suddenly realized that this was the same female form who was fully and partly responsible for both of his worst days ever.


Tali and Joker had gone to get something to eat while Garrus had to leave to meet Shepard. EDI was sitting next to Alenko waiting for the anesthetic the doctor had given him when they fixed his nose to wear off when Grunt walked in.

"EDI," Grunt greeted the A.I. mobile platform. He might not have seen her but Shepard had sent him pictures and kept him updated to the happenings in the Normandy. EDI greeted him back.

"That's Alenko?" he pointed at the form on the bed.

"He is," EDI said.

Grunt strolled over to the bed and looked down at the human.

"How's the new body?" he asked EDI while watching the man.

"It serves a good number of purposes," EDI said. "Although I am afraid being in it has its times of disadvantages. Breaking Alenko's nose would qualify as one of those times. I am aware that what my calculation deemed best for the situation at that time might not be best when it was applied."

"I don't see a problem here," Grunt said. "He looks alive."


Alenko was woken up by hot air blowing in his face. His eyes opened slowly and came in contact with a pair of huge and beady eyes above a huge mouth full of teeth.

"Holy Mother of...," Alenko jumped up and away from the thing.

"ALENKO!" The thing roared. "I! KNOW! YOU!"

"What the...," Alenko stared at the Krogan in front of his bed and to EDI sitting on a chair against the wall by the window.

The Krogan inched closer to him. Alenko inched farther away. The Krogan lifted a brow and snarled.

"I don't like you," the thing said and now seemed calm.

"I don't even know you!" Alenko replied. He tried to flare up his biotics but remembered how it had so far not done any good to anyone and decided to reserve the power for fighting the war instead from then on. He braced himself for some hand-to-hand combat and knew somehow he was going to break something else in his body if he went against this Krogan.

"I don't like you," the thing repeated. "And that's all you need to know."

Just then, another Krogan, this one in uniform armor, came rushing into the room.

"Sir!" the new Krogan said. "The escape has been laid out! All secured! You can jump now."

"Excellent!" The other Krogan slammed his right fist onto his left hand with so much force Alenko could feel it vibrating into his own bones.

"I am leaving now, human," the Krogan said to him. "For my Battlemaster, I'll tear your broken nose out of your face! But I have to ask her permission first before I can. Heh Heh Heh. Until than, remember me!"

He walked passed EDI.

"See you this weekend at the party, EDI," and then he was gone.

"That was Grunt," EDI explained without needed to be asked. "He was a tank born Shepard picked up while we were trying to stop the collectors. We, on the Normandy, like to think of him as Shepard's adopted son."

"Shit...," Alenko covered his face with both his hands. Shepard's "tank born" son, Wrex had said. What had he done?