AN: Hey, so I know it's been a while since I updated...got interrupted by life, as usual. LOL So, anyway...I was gonna take this in one direction, but it ended up going in another. Truthfully, I was kind of running out of ideas, and I couldn't bear to put either Sheppard or Jordan through any more drama, so I decided to wrap it up in a nicer, gentler way. Hope it works out this way, and if not, gimme ideas and I'll rewrite. I'm always up for improvement.
Anyway, enjoy this chapter, and number 10, which will be the last (for now)...R&R as usual!
Chapter 9
Sheppard ambled around the city's halls, feeling restless despite being awake for the last 36 hours. The nightmare he'd had about Jordan while he was unconscious replayed in his mind, giving his arms goose bumps even though sweat trickled down the back of his neck. As he wiped his forehead with the palm of his hand, Atlantis' comforting hum seemed to grow slightly louder in his mind, as if it knew he was stressed, and was trying to console him.
For the moment, it was working. He pushed the dream into a far corner of his brain, and continued to drift aimlessly from one corridor to another, until he spotted Teyla a few yards away. She was walking in the same direction as he was, so he quickened his pace to catch up with her.
"Shouldn't you be getting some sleep?" He asked from slightly behind her, and though she didn't jump at his sudden voice, she stopped walking and turned to face him.
Her eyebrow arched playfully. "As you should be."
Sheppard shrugged. "Rhythm's all messed up. I'm usually awake by now, anyway."
She nodded, but said nothing.
"So," he continued as they began to walk again, "everything okay?"
Teyla grinned. "Yes. My rhythm is also 'messed up'. I am not used to sleeping when it is daylight."
It was his turn to nod in understanding, and once their pace was comfortable enough, he stuck his hands into his pockets and glanced unseeingly around them. Teyla noticed this, and asked, "How is Jordan doing?"
"She's fine. Sound asleep in her room. And, before you ask, I'm fine, too. Checked in with the Doc earlier, and she says the ribs are healing pretty well."
"That is good news."
He nodded. "Yep. So, mess hall's serving pancakes today. You wanna grab some before Rodney gets there and inhales everything?"
Teyla laughed. "Is there anywhere you have not been this morning?"
Sheppard shrugged. "Haven't been to the gym. But," he added quickly, "that's only because Keller ordered me to stay out."
"She is a wise woman," Teyla replied with a chuckle. After a short pause, she said, "It will be good to have another baby on Atlantis. Torren will have someone to play with."
When Sheppard didn't say anything, Teyla glanced at his face, and then frowned. "Is something wrong?"
Her question snapped him back to reality. "Hmm? Oh, yeah. I mean, no. Nothing's wrong. But yeah, a baby will be great."
"John."
He stopped walking again, and she turned toward him, her back resting against the wall of the corridor. When she saw that she had his attention, she said, "What is it?"
At first, it seemed as if he would brush off her concern. But after a moment, he said, "I'm not sure. I mean, I love Jordan and I'm excited for her. But there's a part of my mind that keeps reminding me that her kid isn't mine, that he'll never be mine no matter how much I want him to be."
Teyla cocked her head to the side, as it did whenever she went into what Sheppard called "therapist mode".
"John," she began, "Blood does not necessarily make one a father."
"I know. But it doesn't change things."
"It does not," she agreed. "But will it change how much you love Jordan or her child?"
"No," he replied, his eyes flashing at the mere suggestion. "I would do anything to protect them. Anything."
Teyla nodded. "Good. Then worry about the matter no further."
"I…" he took a breath and ran his hand through his hair. "But what about when the kid grows up, and somehow finds out about it? What if he – "
"Or she," Teyla corrected him.
"Yeah. What if he or she hates me for killing their dad?"
"The true father was evil…" she began, but he cut her off.
"It won't matter! I was a teenager once. I know how they are about stuff like this!"
She nearly bit out an angry reply, but forced herself to remain calm, if only to keep from agitating him any more. She licked her lips, which were suddenly dry, and gazed up into his hazel eyes, her hand placed lightly on his arm.
"John, no one in Atlantis doubts your abilities – as a soldier, or as a man. Why do you doubt yourself?"
At this, he closed his eyes and replied, "Because, I'm afraid that I'll treat Jordan's baby the way my father treated me. I don't want anyone to ever feel the way I did. Worthless, hopeless, just…a waste of space. That terrifies me, Teyla."
Teyla nodded sadly. He had told her all about the bitterness between himself and his father, and how he finally learned at his father's funeral that Patrick had regretted cutting John out of his life. What she didn't realize was how much his father's disapproval of him had scarred him.
Cautiously, she said, "You are not your father, John. You have a great heart, and more patience and love for others than you give yourself credit for. I have no doubt that you will love this child with every beat of your heart, and when the time comes for them to learn the truth, you will know just what to say."
He stood there in front of her as his mind processed everything she had said. Finally, he grinned slightly. "Thanks, Teyla."
She inclined her head. "You are most welcome." Then, she looked around and realized that the hall was starting to fill with people. "I must get back to my quarters. Perhaps we can all meet for breakfast soon?"
He nodded. "Sure. I'll get a hold of Rodney and Ronon, and grab Jordan on my way to the mess."
"Very well." She moved off down the hall, but Sheppard called after her, and she turned around again.
"Thanks!" He called. Teyla smiled and lifted her hand in a wave, then disappeared around a corner.
Jordan sounded the chime at Sheppard's door, but he didn't answer. Feeling somewhat frustrated and very hungry, she tapped her com sharply.
"Colonel Sheppard?"
There was a click, and a slight pause before his voice replied, "Yeah?"
"Where are you?"
Now there was a sigh. "I've been in the mess, waiting for you."
"What do you mean, you're in the mess? You told me to come to your quarters."
"No, I didn't. I called you about an hour ago, and told you we would all be down here."
Jordan leaned against his door, switching the baby's weight from one side to the other, as her mind reeled back to the time he'd mentioned. Yes, he had called her, but she could've sworn he told her to meet him outside his room. Hadn't he? The longer she thought about it, the less sure she was about it.
Huffing a sigh, she finally said, "Okay. I'll be down in a few minutes."
"Take your time," he replied, a smile in his voice, and then he clicked off.
A little over five minutes later, Jordan stepped through the door to the cafeteria. Sheppard noticed her first, and his heart did an excited leap in his chest at the sight of her. She was dressed in a sapphire-blue tunic that fit snugly over her chest, then flowed lightly around her stomach. It had been almost a whole month since the power failure, and her abdomen had suddenly swelled considerably, so that she looked like she'd stuffed an over-sized basketball under her clothing. Though she often complained about feeling like an "elephant" – which still made Ronon laugh every time – Sheppard thought that being pregnant suited her. Her skin actually had the slight "glow" to it so many women talked about, and her long hair, which now hung loose around her shoulders, seemed even thicker and shinier than before. And well…she just looked gorgeous to him.
Curious as to why Sheppard has suddenly stopped mid-sentence, Rodney followed his gaze to the door, and a knowing grin crossed his face. He nudged Ronon, who simply lifted his eyebrows appreciatively and then went back to eating. He did, however, look up when Jordan reached their usual table, and managed a "Hey," when she greeted them.
"Good morning, Jordan," Teyla greeted her. Jordan pulled an extra chair up to the table beside Sheppard, and plunked herself down in it.
"Hi," she replied with a smile. "Nice day outside, huh?"
Everyone nodded their agreement, and Sheppard, finally managing to find his voice, asked, "How're you doing?"
Jordan shrugged. "Can't complain." Then, she said, "Actually, I can complain. I've got a wicked knot in my back, and it's getting a little hard to breathe these days." She seemed to cheer up then. "But, at least the morning sickness is finally gone."
Sheppard grimaced at the idea of being nauseous every single morning for five or six months. He'd rather withstand Wraith torture than go through something like that. Unconsciously, his hand sneaked over to her back and began rubbing slow circles over her taut muscles. After a few minutes, he felt her relax, and he simultaneously realized what he was doing, but he didn't stop; he found that he really didn't care what anyone thought about his relationship with Jordan anymore, or about his sudden openness with his feelings. Jordan seemed to have been the whole reason behind that, and he couldn't say he was sorry for it.
"I'd better get something to eat," Jordan said after a while, and began to get up.
"I will bring something for you," Teyla said quickly, standing up before Jordan could. "I very much remember how you feel."
"Thanks, Teyla," she replied with a grateful sigh.
A light conversation began while Teyla was gone, and continued as they ate. During a slight pause, Rodney softly asked her, "Are you up to helping me in the lab today?"
His unusual show of understanding touched Jordan. He'd been like that with her before, but she'd somehow expected his patience to have run out by now, that he'd be back to his normal all-business attitude. She nodded. "Sure, if you don't mind me running off for a bathroom break every half-hour."
Rodney shrugged. "With all the coffee I go through in a day, I'm lucky if I manage that long."
"Rodney?" Sheppard said then, and the scientist looked up.
"Yeah?"
"Ew."
Jordan, Ronon, and Teyla all chuckled at that. When they'd quieted, Teyla glanced at Sheppard and flicked her eyes toward Jordan, sending him a silent message. Then, she stood up, her tray in her hand. "If you all will excuse me, I have some things to attend to."
Ronon had caught the meaning of the look she'd given the colonel, and soon followed her. "Uh, me too. Come on, Rodney."
"But –" Rodney began, but Ronon grabbed him by his shirt and yanked him out of his seat, half-dragging him away from the table and toward the door. "See you in my lab, Jordan."
When their friends had all gone, Sheppard pushed his nearly-empty tray away to the side, and leaned back in his chair. Jordan narrowed her eyes at him.
"What was that about?" She asked.
"Uh, Teyla and I were talking earlier about some stuff. I guess she thinks we might have something to talk about."
"Do we?" Jordan asked nervously. He'd been unusually quiet during their meal, and now she thought maybe it meant something was wrong between them. Maybe it had something to do with their lack of…intimacy? She'd been glad that he hadn't made any moves in that direction, not only because of her "condition", but also because it showed her that he truly loved her for who she was, and nothing else. It also showed her that he, unlike other men she'd known – baby's father included – had some measure of self-control, no matter how much Rodney compared him to Captain Kirk.
Maybe he was getting bored with that, though. He was a man, after all…
Sensing her agitation, Sheppard grinned easily and said, "Nothing like that, I promise."
"Oh." She calmed down somewhat, though doubt still nagged in the back of her mind. "So, what's up?"
What's up? He asked himself. A whole hell of a lot, that's what.
"I know it feels like we know each other pretty well." She nodded. "But there's a lot you still don't know about me. About my…childhood." Though he wanted the word to sound easy, it only tasted bitter on his tongue, and it took all his strength not to actually spit it out.
"Everyone's got issues with their past, John. That's not a big surprise."
He tried to grin, but it ended up looking more like a grimace. "I know. But, see, my father wasn't exactly a great example of how to do things."
She held up her hand to stop him. "Rodney told me a little of this already."
"He what?"
Jordan leaned forward and placed the hand she'd held up over his, her fingers lightly squeezing his. "Listen, all he told me was that one of the reasons you sometimes try to distance yourself from me – and by extension, the baby – is because of your less-than-stellar relationship with your dad."
A lump formed in his throat, so he only closed his eyes and nodded.
"But you need to understand something," she continued, and his curiosity forced him to look at her again. There was a small smile on her lips, and her eyes sparkled with something he couldn't quite identify.
"What's that?"
"There's something a wise person once told me, but I've always known anyway. Anyone can be a father, but it takes love to make someone a Dad." She let him digest that, and then added, "As far as I'm concerned, to this child, you are both. It doesn't matter that you don't share blood. All that does matter is that you've been there for me since the beginning. That's all I've ever wanted."
Awed by her words, Sheppard wrapped his arm around her and hugged her tight against his side. Both she and Teyla had said virtually the same thing, but it took the love and tenderness in Jordan's eyes for him to actually believe it.
"You don't need to worry about becoming like your dad. The fact that you're worried about it proves that you won't. I mean, there may be some things you'll do similarly, because they were the right things to do; but the bad stuff won't be repeated as long as you remember them, and how they felt."
"I don't think I could ever forget."
Jordan smiled and kissed his cheek. "Then stop worrying. You'll do fine."
He nodded, and was silent for a moment. Then, he asked, "Aren't you worried, being a first-time mom and all that? I mean, I helped out with Torren a little, but…" he shrugged helplessly.
"A little," she agreed. "But as long as we stick together, it'll be okay. And I can always get advice from Teyla."
For the first time in a while, he actually smiled. "Very true. So, what's next?"
"Now, we get out of here. I'm gonna go help Rodney."
As they stood up, he said, "I'd come with you to torture him a little, but I've got a mountain of reports to get finish up."
Feigning disappointment, she replied, "Oh, well." Then she asked, "Movie in the lounge tonight?"
"Sure. You pick, but nothing sad or sappy. I don't want you going through another box of tissues."
She chuckled at that. "Yeah, definitely no 'Braveheart' for a while."
He started to turn away, and then quickly spun back around and kissed her gently on the mouth. "I love you," he murmured, and she fought a sudden urge to cling to him, as if it were the last time she would see him.
"I love you, too."
TBC...
