"Thanks, have a good one," Hanna said, smiling politely and taking the papers offered to her by the elderly bar owner. The beer had been dropped off and the paperwork finished, so Hanna tried to avoid the small talk as kindly as possible and walked out the back door to the small parking lot littered in cigarette butts.
It was surprisingly cold out and Hanna was now very happy that she had decided to take her bigger jacket despite the weatherman on TV promising sun and warmth all day. Just before her lunch break the clouds started to roll in and the temperature dropped drastically, and now at the end of her shift it felt like they had jumped several months ahead straight to winter.
Hopping back into the work van and tossing the paperwork into the small pile at the foot of the passengers seat, Hanna's mind continued to wander back to what had happened with Dennis. Thoughts of their awkward encounter also brought up what would happen in the a few days when she would see Barry again. She had been hoping that some sort of text would ding on her phone from him but when all she got was silence she decided to give him some space. But Hanna still found herself thinking about them and checking her phone every once in a while.
Hanna shook her head, realizing she had been spacing out for what had to be the tenth time that day. The steering wheel was cold under her hands and she rubbed them together to warm up before starting the van and backing out of the parking lot.
Glancing down at the clipboard in the passenger seat Hanna confirmed her next and thankfully last delivery of the day all the way across town. She cranked the heat in the van and tapped her fingers impatiently on the wheel while she waited at a red light.
Loud music from the car next to hers shook the van and the spare chance in the cup holder made an irritating noise, but thankfully she didn't have to wait that long before the light turned green and the car took off, leaving a cloud of exhaust behind it for Hanna to drive through.
The last delivery went by quickly. The workers behind the bar were busy and seemed to want her to come and go as fast as possible which was preferable to the kind of workers who wanted to sit and talk about nothing. Before too long she had hauled the several boxes of beer inside and stacked it beside the counter, got her paperwork signed and she was back to sitting in the van and trying desperately to warm up her fingers.
Pulling back out onto the busy streets Hanna was really looking forward to getting home, cuddling up with Big Ben on the couch under a warm blanket and cooking the pizza waiting for her in her freezer. It would be a nice change from the usual toast and fruit that made up ninety percent of her diet.
"Mmmmm, pepperoni," Hanna muttered to herself, pulling into the large parking lot of her work and parking the van next to the three identical ones.
She made quick work of punching her numbers into the time clock, passing the papers onto her boss, and grabbing her purse. Then she was back on the sidewalk and stuffing her hands deep into her pockets, wishing she had ignored the weatherman even more and brought some gloves and a thicker scarf. Deciding against grabbing a bus Hanna took the shortest way home and distractedly jogged up the stairs while she fished her phone out of her purse.
Flipping the phone open Hanna couldn't help but frown; still no message from Barry or Samuel or Hedwig. Maybe Dennis had tried to cut off contact. The thought that he could be that mad at her made her stomach flip as she finally made it to her floor, turning the corner and pushing things around in her purse until she heard the keys clink together.
"Han," a voice at her door said and Hanna jumped. She had been so engrossed in her purse and thoughts of Barry and Dennis that she didn't even notice there was a woman standing outside of her apartment.
The woman smiled when Hanna's head jerked up at her voice, but it didn't quite reach her stormy gray eyes. She looked nervous and when Hanna simply froze, her hand still holding the keys inside of her purse, the smile dropped awkwardly.
"It's me," the woman said, her eyebrows raised hopefully and her lips quirking to the side when Hanna couldn't do more than blink back at her. She had the same colored hair as Hanna remembered, cut a lot shorter and the short stature and freckly nose mirrored Hanna's just as it did when they were children.
The discomfort and worry that had been following Hanna around all day paled in comparison to the way her heart felt like it was trying to pound straight out of her chest and her entire body went cold. She thought for a moment that she would pass out...that maybe she had already passed out because this was the last person she thought she would see camped out beside her door.
"Lillian? I...you," Hanna's mumbled words made no sense to her own ears and by the way the womans head tilted to the side they must have made no sense to her as well. "You shouldn't be here," she finally whispered.
"Well, yeah," Lillian said, crossing her arms and glancing down the hallway behind them. Hanna wished that one of her neighbors would poke their head out, that Mr. Franklin would have some excuse to wander down the hall or that Dennis would come back to scold her again...but nobody else was there and Hanna felt rooted to the spot with her older sister standing far too close.
"Why are you here?" Hanna's voice was trembling, she could hear it over the blood pounding through her ears.
"I thought we could, you know, talk...or something." Lillian shifted her weight and adjusted her dark jacket. Watching her discomfort did nothing to help Hanna with her own.
"No," Hanna said, taking a slow, deep breath and pulling her hand out of her purse, cold keys held so tightly in her hand that the edges bit into her palm. "You can't be here. You can't."
"I know but Han, I-"
"You can't be real," Hanna said, more to herself than to anyone else. Her fingers shook as she dropped her eyes to her keys and tried to swallow the lump in her throat. It felt like Hanna was seven years old again, frozen in fear of what her older sister was going to do. Was this a panic attack? Was this some sort of horrible delusion? Was she going crazy for real this time?
"I am," Lillian said, taking a step towards Hanna.
"You need to go!" Hanna said, her voice louder than she had intended and before she could control it she jerked away from the hand that was reaching out towards her. "Please go."
"I'm not going to hurt you." At those words Hanna felt a few warm tears tingle against her cold cheeks. "Han, I'm not."
"You said that before!" Hanna could no longer control the volume of her voice, perhaps she was yelling. Her hand came up and rested against her scarf, hovering over her neck. Hanna watched as her sisters eyes followed her hand before dropping to the ground between them.
"I know I hurt you, I wasn't right in the head," Lillian finally said.
Hanna's mouth opened but no words would come out. She wanted to cry and scream and demand that her sister leave her alone. No amount of talking could make Lillian understand how much her 'not being right in the head' had effected her...how much her sisters illness had caused Hanna's own.
"Go," Hanna demanded, tucking her head down and skirting around Lillian to get to her door. Her heart pounded fast in her chest and her fingers fumbled on the keys as she struggled to get the door open.
"Hanna, come on," Lillian said, her voice somewhere between exasperated and annoyed. Hot tears were now blurring Hanna's vision and she wished desperately that she would wake up in her bed. She had had this nightmare many times before.
When the lock to her door finally clicked open a hand pulled her shoulder, turning her and forcing her to face her sister. Hanna recoiled at the touch but Lillian followed Hanna's movements.
"I'm real, and I'm not going to hurt you again."
"I don't care!" Hanna shouted, her voice catching in her throat. She hated how weak she sounded but she couldn't hide the fear that coursed through her. The touch on her shoulder shocked her to the bone and Hanna felt like she was seconds away from waking up after one of her nightmares, cold sharp metal pressing against her neck and her sister whispering in her ear and all of those horrible memories would fade away as soon as she jerked awake in her bed. But Hanna couldn't wake up this time and the memories clung to her mind. "Don't touch me!"
Hanna jerked away and Lillian's hands went up in a sign of surrender. Again, Hanna found her doorway blocked by her sister and a hard sob shook her shoulders.
"Please don't yell. I, Han...I need to talk to you. We can talk about this-"
"Don't touch me!" Hanna was yelling now. She wasn't even sure why those words came falling out of her mouth and Lillian held her hands up again as if to remind Hanna that she wasn't being touched. "Go away!"
A door opened down the hall and Lillian's head jerked around to see a small elderly woman poke her head out. Hanna kept her eyes glued to every movement her sister made and she was vaguely aware of the old Ms. Hart's raspy voice asking them a question.
"We're okay," Lillian said, offering an awkward smile and stepping away from Hanna when a loud sob countered her words.
"Go away!" Hanna cried, her voice breaking.
"I'm, okay...Han okay," Lillian said, glancing back at Ms. Hart down the hall who was watching them intently. "I'm leaving."
Lillian took a few steps to the side, hands still raised to show both Hanna and the woman down the hall that she was in fact, not touching anybody and as soon as there was a clear path Hanna jumped to the door and threw it open. Spinning around, Hanna slammed the door shut as hard as she could, locking both the locks before taking a few steps away.
"Han, just think about it," Lillian's voice said on the other side of the door, just loud enough for Hanna to hear.
"Go away!" Hanna screamed and another loud sob shook her shoulders. Her purse fell to the floor with a slap and Hanna raised her hands up to her mouth, trying to stifle some of the noise that continued to pour out but instead of silencing them she choked on them.
She threw off her jacket and shoes, feeling like if she could get the weight of those off of her maybe the weight on her chest would disappear too. It was a crushing pressure that made it hard to breath. Her fingers shook as she threw her second shoe across the room but she didn't feel any better as it slid to a stop against her bed.
Her mind was reeling, constantly bringing up the past that years of therapy had helped her come to terms with. Her older sister pulling her by the wrist, her grip so tight it made her fingers tingle. The knife dangling from Lillian's hand, reflecting the yellow light from the streetlamps as she was lead to their favorite hideout. The promise that her older sister, her protector, would make Hanna right again and there was only one way.
'There's something wrong with you.'
The words were whispered in her ear, hot breath on her shoulder and cold metal against her neck.
Hanna jerked at the memory, ripping her scarf off from around her neck and throwing it onto the couch. A hot tear hit her hand as she lifted it to her neck. The cold metal was gone years ago but Hanna would always remember it. Icy cold for a moment and then pain.
Another uncontrollable sob broke the silence in her apartment and anger joined the fear that pulsed through her body.
Maybe there truly was something wrong with her. People get over those kinds of things. People recover and cope and learn to forgive those who have hurt them so why couldn't Hanna? What was so wrong with her?
Running her fingers through her hair Hanna looked around the apartment wildly. She moved quickly to her purse on the floor and dumped everything out onto the carpet, grabbing her phone and dialing her mothers phone number with shaky fingers. Hanna held the phone to her ear and took a long deep breath, hoping despite her tears and shaking that her voice would sound calm.
"Han?" her mother's voice was too loud in her ear. "Han? Are you okay?"
"Mom?" Hanna cringed at her own voice, raspy and trembling and the words barely made it out before a sob shook from her chest again.
"Are you okay?"
"No." Hanna gulped loudly, trying to clear her throat as much as she could. "I don't know. Lillian was here." There was silence on the phone and Hanna waited, pulling the hem of her t-shirt up to wipe across her cheeks and trying to take slow calming breaths. "Mom, Lillian was here, she was waiting for me," Hanna said again, louder this time. "How did she know where I live?"
"I told her," her mom said slowly. "Hanna, it's time for you two to talk." Hanna closed her eyes and ran her fingers quickly through her hair, snagging on a knot and pulling it painfully.
"You what?" Hanna asked, confused at her mother's admission. There was no possible way she had heard her correctly. There had to be a terrible connection or a misunderstanding.
"Hanna, it's been years. You need to learn to talk to your family again." Hanna's vision blurred for a moment and she thought she was going to pass out, but she blinked away the tears that were forming again and she could see her clothes tossed across the floor clearly.
"I don't want to talk to her," Hanna said slowly, breathing in deeply through her nose and willing the pressure in her chest to go away. "I can't talk to her! How could you think I would want that? You told her where I live and you told her to come and find me?"
"It will help you."
"You had no right!" Hanna was yelling again, hot tears wetting her cheeks again and the weight coming back to her shoulders and chest tenfold. "You have no idea what I've been going through! You have no idea what my life has been like since she tried to kill me! Fuck you!"
Hanna was yelling into the phone and she was vaguely aware of a knock on her front door and her mother's voice disappearing as she closed the phone and threw it into the kitchen. It slammed into a cupboard before falling loudly to the ground.
Her chest hurt even worse than it had before...if that was possible.
"Ms. Moreau? Hello? Are you okay?" Ms. Hart's voice, normally calm and gentle, was loud in the hallway and her tiny little hand knocked noisily on the door.
"Go away!" Hanna yelled, and fell back onto the floor. Pain pulsed through her butt and legs as she fell and she tried to gasp between her sobs. She brought her hands up to her face and pressed her palms into her eyes. Hanna hadn't meant to yell at Ms. Hart and guilt joined the mixture of terrible feelings that made her feel like a thousand pounds being pulled down to the ground.
Glancing over at the phone on the kitchen floor Hanna raised up to her kneels and crawled over, sitting with her back against a cupboard and dialing another number. She covered her mouth with her hand while she waited and listened to the ringing.
"Hello. You've reached Dr. Karen Fletcher. I'm unable to come to the phone right now, please leave a-" Hanna pressed the 'end call' button so hard she was sure she would break it. She groaned in frustration.
Her mother was supposed to be someone Hanna could talk to, but instead she had betrayed her. Her therapist was supposed to be her rock, a life ring to grab when she felt like she was drowning. But now she was drowning with nothing around her to grab onto to stay afloat.
Dialing Dr. Fletcher's number again, Hanna shut her eyes and waited. The voicemail came up again and Hanna cleared her throat, waiting for the beep before leaving a message and praying that her voice wouldn't give away how she was feeling.
"Hi, Dr. Fletcher. This is Hanna. I, um. Well, I think I need help. Something happened and-" Hanna's voice cracked and she let her head fall back to hit the cupboard and looked up at the ceiling. Her breath felt like it left her for far too long but it finally came back in a sob. She closed her eyes tightly and cleared her throat. "I think I need help. Please call me back when you can."
Hanna hit the 'end call' button and rested her forehead on her arm, her knee digging painfully into her elbow but she couldn't bring herself to move. She just needed to breath. She was alone in this and she needed to remember that she could breath.
"Barry," Hanna whispered, eyebrows drawn together while she thought about him. He was a patient too, albeit it a slightly different one than she was but maybe he would understand. She thought about it for a moment before looking at her phone again and flipping it open. The bright screen showed several missed calls and Hanna quickly deleted the voice mails from her mother before looking at the blank screen again.
She wasn't sure if this was fair to him or whether he would even answer but Hanna sent him a message anyway.
Hanna: Is Barry there?
Hanna set the phone down by her feet and pulled her knees closer to her chest, wrapping her arms around them tightly and pressing her forehead against her knees. The nightmare was over but she was still left reeling in its wake, tears still falling down her cheeks uncontrollably.
The phone vibrated against the tiles and Hanna's hand darted out to grab it.
Barry: Yeah.
Hanna: Can I come over?
Barry: Of course. When?
Hanna smiled weakly at her phone. She dreaded the 'why' question, though she was sure it was coming at some point or another.
Hanna: Now?
Barry: Yeah, I'll be waiting at the gate.
Wiping her eyes again Hanna stood up and shoved her phone into her pocket. She grabbed the keys off the floor and with a surge of energy that she thought had completely abandoned her she grabbed a few crumpled dollar bills and opened her door.
She almost expected to see Lillian in the hallway, or maybe Ms. Hart but thankfully it was empty and Hanna closed and locked the door behind her. She took every corner carefully as she made her way out of the building and goosebumps raised on her arms when she made it outside. Hanna thought briefly about going back upstairs to grab her jacket but that thought disappeared when she heard the breaks from the bus a half a block away.
Running to the bus stop Hanna made it just in time, thanking the bus driver and straightening out a wrinkled dollar bill and feeding it to the machine. She tried to ignore the weird stares from the other passengers and found a seat towards the back of the bus, trying to wipe her eyes as discretely as she could.
Her heart still felt like it was pounding too fast, and every stop of the bus it slammed harder into her chest as she watched who stepped onto the bus. When the doors closed and she didn't see Lillian, Hanna let out a breath of relief.
It felt like it took entirely too much time before Hanna saw the familiar sign for the Philadelphia zoo and her stop finally came. She tried to thank the bus driver but her voice stuck in her throat and she stepped off the bus silently.
Hanna was struck by how cold it was. Her teeth clattered before she had a chance to firmly clench her jaw and wrap her arms across her chest, trying to hold in what body warmth she had left. She made her way quickly across the entrance of the zoo to the gate.
A tall figure stood just barely visible behind the bars and Hanna tried to bring up some form of a smile as she approached the gate but she knew it didn't look genuine. Her eyes and nose were probably red, her cheeks were probably still wet, and if she looked like half the mess she felt she looked like a disaster.
"Hanna? What happened?" Barry asked when Hanna got close enough to see him clearly, his normally light and cheerful voice worried as his bright blue eyes took in her disheveled appearance. "Where's your jacket? It's freezing out!"
He quickly unlocked the gate and motioned her inside, locking it behind her and reaching forward before stopping himself. He looked like he was stuck between wanting to keep his distance and being as close as possible.
"What happened?"
Hanna thought about how to approach that topic and she tried hard to smile. She felt tears forming in her eyes again and her attempt at pretending like she wasn't currently drowning failed miserably. Her shoulders shook – from crying or from the cold she wasn't even sure anymore – and Hanna stepped forward, pressing herself as close as she could to Barry and wrapping her arms tightly around his torso. Her arms had gone under his jacket and her fingers tingled as warmth very slowly seeped back into her skin.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly.
"What? What for?" She felt Barry shift under her arms as his own wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her closer.
"Coming over so late," Hanna said, her voice muffled by his shirt. "And for taking Hedwig to the carnival."
"That's what this is about?" Barry asked and Hanna felt him lean his head down to rest on top of hers. "Oh no, you don't worry about any of that-"
"Not just that," Hanna said, her voice feeling like it would fail her again at any moment. Despite the warmth radiating from Barry's body her own began to shake.
"We don't have to stand out here," Barry said, pulling away and Hanna reluctantly let him. "Come on."
With a hand on her lower back Barry guided Hanna out of the alley and through a few turns along the zoo's paths. Finally they arrived at a large well-hidden gray building and Barry lead her around to the back. She probably should have been taking notes on where they were or which turns they made but Hanna felt exhausted and had a hard time focusing on where they were walking. She settled on concentrating on the warmth from his hand instead.
"Here we are," Barry mumbled, more to himself than to Hanna as he dropped his hand from her back and pulled his keys out of his pocket. The door opened with a loud creak and Hanna cringed at how the loud sound could signal to anybody around them that she was being sneaked into Barry's home.
Barry went in first and held the door open so Hanna could follow. It creaked just as loud as it closed and the sound echoed down the cold hallway while he locked it.
"Down this way." His hand was back on her lower back and he guided her down the hallway and around the corner.
Hanna felt numb. Maybe from the cold or maybe just from exhaustion.
Barry left her alone in a small living room with the promise of being right back before returning with a dark colored blanket.
"Come over here," Barry said, motioning to the couch and Hanna followed him. He unfolded the blanket and wrapped it tightly around her shoulders, rubbing her arms and looking over her disheveled appearance; had she been feeling better she might joke about her fashion choice of her simple work shirt and pants. But she had a hard time looking up and meeting his gaze let alone attempting to joke; he probably thought she was insane. Well, more insane than before.
Hanna glanced up in time to see his eyes lingering on her neck and her face grew warm when she realized she hadn't just forgotten her jacket, she had forgotten her scarf. She had left behind the thing she always used to avoid that look of pity that would come across people's faces when they saw the thick scar stretched at an odd angle across her neck. She saw that look flash across Barry's face briefly, his eyebrows drew together before he looked back up at her face.
"Sit down," Barry said, his voice gentle and worried and Hanna found herself being guided onto the couch when she didn't move.
"I tried calling Dr. Fletcher but she didn't pick up," Hanna said finally, picking at her fingernail so she wouldn't have to witness Barry watch her red-eyed and post-meltdown.
"What happened?" Barry asked again, his arm coming to wrap around her shoulders and Hanna was pulled against his chest again. She pressed her face to his shirt and took a deep breath, finally feeling like some of the weight on her torso had left her.
"My sister found me," she said slowly, realizing how bizarre that must have sounded. When Barry didn't say anything she realized he was waiting for her to continue so she took a slow breath, determined to explain it without falling back into a sobbing mess.
"Take your time," Barry said, his voice barely above a whisper and he tightened his hold around her shoulders. Nodding, Hanna pulled the blanket tighter around her body and pulled her knees up to her chest, leaning into him and thinking about how she would start.
