It was another day at camp, and everyone was walking to the pool...everyone but Calvin and Moe. They were running to the pool. Well, Calvin was just running from Moe.

(To the tune of "One Jump Ahead")

Calvin: Gotta keep
One jump ahead of the bully
One swing ahead of his brawn
I think I'll take a sprint along this lawn
(Keep on running!)

One jump ahead of the enemy
He's dumb, but he is fast
Life could be a bit less of a blast

Moe: Weakling! Wimpy!
Stupid! Shrimpy!

Calvin: I am always bothered
Moe: You're a target, like no other
Calvin: That's a compliment, coming from Moe

No one's helping me right now!

Kankers: Once again, Calvin gets his beating
He's become a target for that slime

(Calvin has reached the pool building)

Calvin: Gotta keep running...uh, something that rhymes with "beating"
Gotta duck and cover, gotta cover and duck
And there's no time to make a rhyme!

(Calvin runs through the girls' locker room)
Calvin: One jump ahead of that moron

One skip ahead of my doom
Next time gonna use a different room
One jump ahead of the meanie
One hit ahead of the fool
I think I'll lose him at the pool

(Calvin has reached the pool. Moe is still chasing him)

Moe: Hit him! Punch him!
Get him! Crunch him!

Calvin: True, I don't always win
Moe: He will be oblivion!
Calvin: Gotta dodge and run, run and dodge

Gotta always sing this song

Moe: Wrong!

(Calvin starts climbing the ladder to the driving board)
Calvin: One jump ahead of the menace

(Moe: You're dead)

One hop ahead of that lump
(Ed: I'm here)

One trick ahead of disaster
(Moe: He'll splat)

He's quick, I try to be faster
(Moe: Take that!)

Here goes, better throw my hand in
Wish me happy landin'
All I gotta do is jump!

Calvin acted like he was jumping, but as Moe ran for him, he got out of the way, sending Moe down into the pool.

"Another victory through song!" said Calvin. He climbed down and sat with his friends.

"Wow, you sure got Moe!" commented Eddy.

Calvin tried to be modest...well, not too modest. "Well, he's big and strong, and I'm...not. But, I always get him!

"...after he's beaten you up ten times," said Hobbes.

"Well, I never see YOU helping me out!" snapped Calvin.

"He's only six, but I'm amazed at how big and scary he is!" said Edd.

"I'm drinking the delicious water from the pool!" called Ed.

"Just don't get too crazy about this victory over Moe," warned Edd. "It won't be long before he gets out of the pool..."

"And that's why I've gotta get back to running!" said Calvin. "Like I said, just keep one jump ahead of him, and you'll be fine!" Calvin sat down in the shallow end of the pool.

"He's dead," said Hobbes.

Later, everyone was getting dressed in the locker room. Calvin was the last person to leave. Suddenly, Moe jumped out. "You can't run forever, twinkie."

"Just watch me! I'll hide while you count to...a high number. See you!" Calvin ran, but Moe threw him into a bathroom stall.

"Time to say good-bye," Moe said in his grim, deep voice. One beating later, Moe came out and left. Calvin crawled out.

(To the tune of "One Jump Ahead (reprise)")

Calvin: Weakling, wimpy
That defines me
If only I was stronger
Will I ever bulk up? No siree
But then again...
Someday, I could...maybe...

Calvin went home and sat in bed, thinking about how he was beaten up. "Sorry about Moe," said Hobbes.

"Why won't he leave me alone?" moaned Calvin. "Spaceman Spiff would get him, and Stupendous Man would REALLY get him, and even Tracer Bullet could get a few swings in...wait...what if I call them all out?"

Hobbes looked uneasy. "You've never done that before."

"Well, I should! Tomorrow morning, Moe gets a beating from all three of my new bodyguards!"

Hobbes had trouble sleeping that night. "We'll all be dead by the end of tomorrow..."

The next morning, Calvin was at camp. Moe walked over. "Wounds heal overnight, so I gotta keep making new ones."

"Moe, look over there!" Moe turned around like a moron, and Calvin ran into a closet. He started concentrating hard. With a POOF, Spaceman Spiff appeared next to him. "Zounds! What sort of planet am I on now?"

"You're on earth, buddy," said Calvin. "I need some help."

"Is there some sort of alien creature about?"

"He's from the planet stupid," joked Calvin.

"I've been there...bad place."

Stupendous Man appeared next. "I was summoned here by ESP forces by a young boy!"

Calvin looked slightly annoyed. "Yeah, I'm the boy. I need help battling a bully."

"From the planet stupid!" added Spiff.

Stupendous looked grim. "I've been there...bad place."

Tracer Bullet was summoned next, in black and white. "I've been called many things. Trace. Tracy. Tracy-Wacy. Of course, I kill anyone who calls me that on the spot. The only name I really go by is Bullet. Tracer Bullet."

"I know," said Calvin. "I need some help. See, there's this bully, Moe."

"From the planet stupid!" cried Spiff.

"Never been there," Bullet said darkly. "Sounds bad. Real bad."

"I get it!" cried Calvin in annoyance. "Now, go out there and get Moe!" The egos ran out, but all went in different directions.

"Do they know where Moe is?" asked Hobbes.

"I don't think so," Calvin said weakly.

"Are any of them headed in Moe's general direction?" asked Hobbes.

"No."

"Well, he's headed in YOUR general direction." It was true. Moe was heading straight for Calvin. Calvin ran.

"People are always saying I should be more helpful," mused Hobbes. "People also say I'm stuffed. People are weird."

Spiff, meanwhile, was wandering around when he came to Lucy playing football with Charlie Brown. "What aggressive customs they have on this planet!" He watched as Lucy pulled the ball away, sending Charlie Brown flying. "It must be a mating dance of sorts! I must take pictures!"

Lucy looked up to see Spiff in her face. "Calvin? What the heck are you doing here?"

Spiff flashed a picture. "It speaks! Amazing!"

"I oughta slug you."

Meanwhile, Stupendous Man was flying through the air. He looked down to see Kevin and Nazz. "It's Tough Jerk Man attacking an innocent woman! I will save the day!" Stupendous Man flew down and punched out Kevin. "Sorry, ma'am, I don't date damsels."

"I'm not a 'damsel!'" cried Nazz. "What did you do to Kevin!"

"No need to thank me! AWAY!" Stupendous Man flew away the second Nazz turned her back.

Meanwhile, Tracer Bullet was walking when he saw Johnny and Plank digging a hole.

"Hey, Calvin!" called Johnny. "Look at our hole!"

"And why did you dig it?" hissed Tracer Bullet. "To hide evidence of a past crime? What horrible acts have you committed, criminal scum?"

"Hey! Don't call me names!"

Bullet pointed at Plank. "And what about your partner, there? What's his story?"

Plank said nothing. "Pleading the fifth won't help you where you're going, buddy!" Tracer Bullet fired a few suction cup darts at Plank.

Johnny hugged his wood in horror. "PLANK!"

Calvin was still running. He turned a corner, to see an angry mob of kids running at him. He turned around to see Moe. "This won't end well." Calvin scrambled around Moe, and out the door. He met Hobbes, lying in the sun. "Hobbes! There's a mob of kids after me!"

"There's always a mob of kids after you."

Calvin looked around in a panic. "Where's Spaceman Spiff and the others?"

"Obviously making some friends."

"If I can find them, I'll be able to prove that I'm not the one doing all this stuff!"

Spiff drove by in a bus. "There he is!" cried Calvin. "...he's got a bus."

"You have a sick mind," said Hobbes.

Calvin grabbed the bus, and was dragged along the road. Spiff saw him and opened the door. Calvin jumped. "What are you doing!" he screamed.

"I'm trying out your ships! They're a lot of fun!"

"You're gonna crash!"

Spiff just laughed. "I'm sure this has a shield of some sort."

Calvin lost it. "That's it! I...I'm sending you back to where you belong! In space!"

Calvin thought hard. Spiff touched him gently. "I'll be right here." On those words, the spaceman vanished.

Calvin looked a little sad. "Well, I'll meet up with him again." Calvin realized that he was still in a runaway bus. He hit the breaks and jumped out before he could crash. Hobbes ran over. "The kids! They have Bullet, and they think he's you!"

"That idiot is gonna get himself killed by them!" groaned Calvin. "What do we do?"

"Find the kids!"

The kids were gathered in the main room. Sarah sat on a judge's stand. Tied up in the center was Bullet. "It's the underworld meeting, and I'm the subject at hand," he narrated to himself. "It looks like Bullet's biting the bullet. I've walked my last. My mind is racing faster than a..."

"SILENCE!" yelled Sarah. "ORDER! ORDER!"

Jimmy steppe up. "Calvin is held here today on account of behavior more reckless than usual, and annoying the heck out of everyone. If found guilty, he will get a beating from all of us, one kid at a time."

"I call Mr. 2X4 to the stand," said Sarah.

Johnny sat down. "Well, Calvin was acting weird! He shot Plank!"

Calvin and Hobbes were hiding and watching from the hallway. "This will not end well unless we save him," said Hobbes.

"I'll send him back like I did with Spiff!" said Calvin.

"In front of all those kids! They'll go crazy!"

Calvin looked innocent. "Is there a problem with that?"

Hobbes started drawing something. "What are you drawing?" asked Calvin. "Is that supposed to be me? My mouth isn't that big!"

"Oh, be quiet." Hobbes turned his drawing into a paper airplane and sent it into the courtroom. Johnny opened it up. "Look! It's a picture of Calvin!"

Sarah grabbed it. "It says he was somewhere else the whole time, and this picture proves it! Well, then, who's this guy?"

Hobbes threw another piece of paper at her. She read it. "'What guy?'"

Calvin had imagined Bullet away, so when everyone looked back at him, no one was there. "Wow..." said Jason.

"What just happened?" asked Charlie Brown.

"An odd phenomenon," remarked Linus. "I say we never speak of this again."

"Well, this solves everything!" said Calvin. "Wait...where did Stupendous Man go?"

Stupendous Man was beating up Moe a few feet away. "You're a freak!" cried the bully. "I'm gettin' outta here!" Moe ran away, screaming.

Calvin was amazed. "Wow, that worked out well...now to send you back."

"No one sends Stupendous Man away!" Stupendous Man jumped into a Mario book.

"I'm not going in there!" said Calvin. "He's the Koopa's problem!"


This wasn't the best story I ever wrote. Obviously, "One Jump Ahead" is in here to stretch the story out. Really, this is only notable for the first camp episode to have egos other than General Calvin and Aqua Calvin. Spaceman Spiff's parting line is an "E.T." refrence. Alos, this is has an awkward scene where Hobbes reveals that he's aware that some people say he's stuffed.