Chapter Nine

A week after LaBoeuf left Fort Worth Mattie learned that she was finally being replaced as school teacher, and her services would no longer be needed.

That same morning she received a letter from her mother, once again asking her to return home. As she stared down into her mother's childish scrawl, the inevitability of her situation loomed over her, and she knew she could no longer stay in Fort Worth.

She quickly wrote her mother a reply, and putting on her hat and coat, stepped out to post it.

The sky was dark with storm clouds, but she had not thought to bring an umbrella. Sure enough it began to rain; large drops that dripped down from her hat onto her face.

She was surprised to find she was crying. Tears poured down her cheeks where they mixed with the rain, and then into her mouth where she could taste their saltiness.


She said her goodbyes to Mrs. Lee and Mrs. Brown (who cried), and took the train to Arkansas. After deliberating what to do with Scout, she had decided to bring him with her. The journey home was uneventful, and Mattie stared numbly out the window as the scenery passed.

Her sister and brother were at the station to meet her when she arrived. She was surprised to find that Little Frank had grown almost a foot in her absence and that Victoria was engaged to be married.

Married! Victoria!

It was not possible that her younger sister could already be engaged. But at sixteen ("Too young," Mattie sniffed, much to her sister's chagrin) she was, and would be married in September.

As Little Frank drove the team home, Mattie listened as Victoria chattered about her beau and all his attributes. His name was Samuel Graves and he was taking over his father's store in town. He was handsome, kind, and mother adored him.

Mattie could not help but notice how beautiful Victoria looked as she spoke of her intended. Her eyes sparkled and she almost glowed from within. Mattie felt a wistful tug in her heart, but she shoved it down. Even so, LaBoeuf's expression of surprise and pain as she refused him came back to her, and she did not hear Victoria until she was tugging on her sleeve.

"Mattie! Mattie, you are not listening!"

Mattie looked up into Victoria's pouting face and said, "Of course I was, little sister. I always listen to you."

Once again happy, Victoria looped her arm through Mattie's and began speaking of the house they were to live in and the drapes she would hang in the parlor.

The sun was setting behind the pine trees as they reached home. Mattie had not realized just how much she had missed her mother until she was in her strong and warm embrace.

"My child, how I have missed you," she whispered against Mattie's hair.

Mattie could not respond, for clinging to her. She was not one to give into emotional words, but she knew her mother could tell she had missed her as well.

When they broke apart, her mother held Mattie at arm's length in front of her and said, "Why, you have finally become a lady, Mattie Ross!"

Mattie snorted in disdain, but she could not help feeling pleasure at her mother's words. Too often she had seen dismay on her face instead of pride, so it warmed her heart.

"I have learned much," she admitted with a small smile. "Just as you hoped."

"And what of the Texas Ranger?" her mother asked, looking into her eyes.

The smile dropped from Mattie's face before she could stop it. She dropped her eyes as well.

"He has gone back to Austin," she said, her voice sounding forced. She was afraid to look into her mother's face for fear of seeing pity there.

"Well," her mother said briskly, dropping the subject of LaBoeuf, "let's get you inside. It's is cold and supper is waiting.

Then without another word, her arm tight around Mattie's waist, she led her eldest daughter into the warm house.


Mattie soon settled back into her life in Arkansas, though she missed Fort Worth and her school children terribly. She even missed Mrs. Brown, as much as she hated to admit it.

But There was much work to do before the harvest and Victoria's wedding, and it kept her from thinking about Fort Worth or LaBoeuf for any long period of time. In the evenings she would eat supper and fall into an exhausted sleep for a few hours before getting up the next morning and doing it all over again. She was not happy, this she knew, but she thought sooner or later everything would return to normal and eventually she would be content. But as the months passed, contentment never came, and still life went on.

In April she turned twenty.

In July she oversaw the picking of the cotton and took it to Little Rock, where she got thirteen cents a pound.

In September Victoria was finally married, and left Mattie to sleep alone in the room they had shared almost all their lives.

The months had passed like clockwork, and it wasn't until one day in late October when she finally examined her heart and discovered the truth that lay there.


She was looking for a brooch Victoria claimed she had left in their room, when she caught sight of herself in the mirror above the dresser. For a moment she thought she was looking at a stranger, until she realized with an unwelcome jolt of surprise, she was looking at herself.

There were dark shadows under her eyes and lines around her grim mouth. Her hair was pulled back in a severe bun and her skin was sallow. She looked older than her twenty years, and deeply unhappy.

Mattie slowly sat down on her bed, stunned by how much she had changed. Had others seen the change in her as well? As she thought about it, she recalled that she had recently caught her mother watching her when she thought she wasn't looking, an expression of worry etched on her face. And the night before her wedding, Victoria had squeezed her hand and asked Mattie if she would be alright without her.

Mattie took a deep breath and let it out slowly, and with it the tension she had been holding in her for months.

She had always known she would never marry, and had resigned herself to it at a very young age. Being lonely was just a part of her life, and she had never expected anything else.

But then LaBoeuf had entered her life a second time, and she had been…happy.

As she sat there in the fading twilight filled with a strange sort of emptiness, she wondered where he was and what he was doing. Was he still working for the Rangers? Had he finally met his end at the hands of a Comanche or the gun of an outlaw?

Had he married another?

That last thought caused her such physical pain she let out a sob and placed her hand over her mouth to stifle the noise. Her emotional reaction shook her to her core, and it was in that startling moment that she realized she was in love with him, and had been for a very long time.

She had loved him since the day he put her on the train to Arkansas, sending her home with one arm, but leaving her pride intact as he had called her the bravest woman he knew. She had not known it then, but she knew now her heart had been lost to him at that moment, and as she thought back to her reaction to his attempted his proposal, she burned in shame.

Oh, God, what a fool she had been!

She had been afraid of what his true intentions might be, and to protect herself she had pushed him away, not realizing he was one that could make her truly happy. Even if he did not love her with the depth that she did him, it did not mean that his regard for her was any less real or genuine.

Almost a year had passed, and she had missed her chance at happiness.

She lay back on the bed, sobs wracking her body in agony. She ignored her mother's calls and her brother's knocks. For hours she cried and when there were no tears left, she slept.

When she awoke it was dark, and the house was silent. Splashing water on her face, she went out to find her mother and brother had gone to bed. There was a dish of stew on the kitchen table, which she ate hungrily. After she finished, she put on her coat and lit a lamp, which she carried down to the stables.

Scout was asleep, but woke when she placed her hand on his mane. Putting her face up against his warm body, she stood there for a very long time.

As the sun rose, she had made a decision: she would not remain a passive bystander in life any longer. There was still a chance, however small that he still cared for her, so she would seize her happiness if it was still available. If it were not, she could live out the rest of her life knowing she hadn't been a coward.

She would go to Austin and find LaBoeuf.