Title: To recap...
Summary: Let's try to digest this week's happenings, okay?
"Right crew, shut up!" Luffy snapped, his eyes bland as his finger went on another gold-mining expedition inside his nose. "The Thousand Sunny's weekly nakama meeting is now underway. What's the first thing we're supposed to talk about?"
"Shitty long-nose here would like to apologize to the men on board for being a flaming ass this week, and he has sworn to become a fucking tea-totaller for the next few weeks," Sanji ground out around his cigarette stub, visible eyebrow twitching violently as he lay a platter of roasted vegetables in front of Nami and Robin.
"When the hell did I promise to lay off the-" Usopp began, before a violent thud and a cloud of wood dust stopped his complaints. Once the cloud was fanned away by Franky's Coup de Vent, the crew could clearly observe the way that Sungdai Kitetsu was thrust into - and through - the dining room table in front of the marksman's seat. They could also see the way in which Usopp's nose darted around the blade as Sanji repeatedly kicked the younger man in the back of the head.
"I sin - augh! - cerely promise - ow, dammit! - to forsake alcohol - shit, that was close! - for the next two weeks! Ouch, now that was uncalled for! Particularly bubbly white Zinfandel, no matter how much - I'm not a doll, my nose can't get sewn back on, you idiot! - said liquor improves my artistic renderings!"
Luffy absentmindedly flicked a large booger at brown curls as Nami handed an apology sign to Usopp and made him sit in the corner of the dining hall. Zoro removed the sword from the furniture, and Sanji went back to serving lunch.
"Next."
"Yohohohoho, we're out of toothpaste and mouthwash in the men's quarters!" Brook commented, hand raised. "This is weeks too early for us to run out of these items, but I think we can manage without them if we share with the girls. Although, to think of my enamel fading..."
"Nami, next supply ship you see, buy some more. A lot more," Zoro growled, eyes closed as he held his head up with his left hand. His right hand kept sliding his swords in and out of their respective sheaths. A yellow streak painted itself down Usopp's back, but he steadfastly ignored the urge to scream for his mother, particularly because he thought he might meet her later that night.
"With what money, you green-haired pauper? I bought those items at a specially reduced price in Water 7, and you know those supply ships overcharge everything by 200%!"
Luffy thumped his hand on the table.
"New toothpaste and mouthwash, check. Nami, get on it the next time we see a ship. Next."
"This is going on your principal and interest rate, weed head!"
"Yeah, yeah, everything but the swords and my first-born, witch."
Zoro's face was forcefully merged with the wood of the table. The footprint in his cropped hair reminded an idle skeleton of the last time Luffy did acrobatics on the lawn. Chopper tentatively raised a hoof as he checked his green idol for skull fractures.
"Ah! Usopp's statues of Sogeking are really cool, but we can't really secure them above deck."
Usopp pointedly ignored three heated glares on his back.
"I'll just take them back below deck to the dark, dank, underappreciated storeroom," he grumbled, more to the wall he was facing than to anyone else. Chopper ran over to the prolific liar and hugged him, wailing at the thought of the great hero's likenesses locked in the gloom below deck.
"I hate to see them go, but Sogeking would be fine with it, given the stuff that happened because of them," Luffy nodded sagely, ignoring the beads of sweat that ran down his human crewmates' faces. "Next?"
Robin carefully raised a hand. Noone cared that it was growing from the top of her head, except for Chopper, who thought she looked a lot like page 37 in True life Donners and Blitzens: the secret life of Reindeer. The looks from Franky, Sanji, and Zoro made him join Usopp in the corner.
"I am afraid that storytelling hour will have to be pushed forward to 6:00 p.m. tonight."
"Aw~!" Luffy, Chopper, Brook, and Sanji wailed, while Zoro snorted apathetically.
"I apologize, however I have made an engineering discovery in one of my archives, and I would like to discuss the plans with Franky so as to correctly substitute modern materials and measurements."
"Since when do you discuss things with your arms like that?" Usopp whispered to Chopper, only to be silenced with Ocho Fleur Flip.
"See, that voyeurism right there is why the village of Syrop should be charged with dereliction of a minor," Sanji muttered in Franky's ear as he dropped a plate of fries in front of the cyborg. "Also, try not to blush, you shitty hunk of self-propelled scrap metal."
"Ok, fine, but don't argue so loudly this time," Luffy commented, while Nami slapped her face with her hands. She decided to leave the appendages right there while muttering prayers for patience. Zoro's snores began to drown out everything else.
"Next!"
"Nami-swan! I'm out of oranges, and I request permission to harvest your precious jewels of citrus-y delight!"
"Yes, yes, Sanji, I'll see what's in season, and you can come and collect them later. No, Luffy, I will not raise our meat allowance. Next?"
Usopp slowly raised his hand.
"We need to budget for clothes. Sorry, but I couldn't recover half the stuff from Thriller Bark, even after patching for most of the night."
"Are you sure it isn't because they're orange?" Nami groused, her fingers flying over her pocket calculator.
"Luffy and all of us versus exploding zombies? I'm not that great a maid. Being orange would be a kindness for that green lout's white shirts."
Nami thought for a moment, and doubled the total on her screen.
"Boring. You guys should spend your money wisely on stuff that lasts, like meat! Next!" Luffy cried out eagerly.
"Three quarters of our income goes to feeding you!" everyone else cried out aloud, as Luffy began rooting in his ear.
Franky sighed, then raised his correctly labeled cola into the air.
"We're running low on soda! I've got a few inventions that we might need to use pretty soon, so we need to add cola to the supply list."
"Why the hell do you always use cola as a fuel, for fuck's sake?" Nami roared her last nerve audibly snapping, her head easily overshadowing Franky's seven-foot frame.
"Woah, Nami-sis, have you seen the price of fuel? That cola is a bargain! I'm the future of green technology, baby!"
"Don't baby me you transforming pervert! You will wait till we get to solid ground until you get your soda, and I'm charging interest! You motherfucking spendthrifts!" roared dragon-Nami, who was being consoled by Robin. "Meeting adjourned!"
"Na, Nami! That's my line! Oh hey, do you want your meat?"
Several thumps later, the meeting was truly over, although Usopp was stuck spoon-feeding lunch to a battered Luffy while Sanji pureed leftovers for his captain.
"How long till we get to Shabby Undies, again?" Luffy mumbled, as Usopp moved the rubber jaw in a rough approximation of chewing.
"Shabondy? Too long," Sanji sighed thoughtfully, throwing another bottle at Zoro as the ronin first mate wandered back through the galley. "Far too long."
The bottle missed the green target as Zoro ducked to pick up one of Chopper's bandage rolls, then masterfully turned away from the deer framed by the infirmary doors to his right, heading instead for the pantry.
"At least we'll have time to sleep. Franky, you need to give better directions to the crow's nest, man."
"Swords-bro, that is totally not super. Follow me, again."
Brook simultaneously slurped his tea, burped, farted, and thanked the deities that Nami had gone to take a nap. She would kill him for his rudeness, except he was already dead.
"Skeleton Joke!" he chortled quietly, just as a thunderbolt struck him where he sat.
And just like that, another totally normal week on the Thousand Sunny was over.
Author says:
I may be busy the next few days, so I decided to leave a sorta/kinda ending chapter just in case I can't get back to this too soon. I hope everyone enjoyed these random tales of crack, angst, smutty implications, and whatever the hell else I threw out while under the influence. Reviews are greatly welcomed and appreciated, because I have no betas, and I'd like to correct my mistakes while improving my writing style whenever next I post.
