Chapter 9:

"Commander, can we talk?" Clarke greeted her in the war room surrounded by a few people and was leaning over a map. She stood and nodded. She said something to them Clarke didn't understand and ushered her into the throne room.

"Who was in the woods?" She asked.

"Bellamy and Octavia."

"They want you to return to your people." Lexa said and put her hand on Clarke's waist.

"My mother… she's sick."

Lexa's expression was worry.

"I am sorry, Clarke."

"I need to go back."

The expression went from worry to sadness in an instant.

"You promised."

"I'll come back. I just need to check on her." Clarke downplayed the extent of her mother's condition. "I'll be back as soon as I can. You can come with me."

Lexa looked at her doubtfully.

"Your people will not wish to see me."

"I wish to see you." Clarke rested her hand on Lexa's cheek.

"I cannot leave right now, Clarke. There is much to do with the Old Ones."

"What happened in the meeting?"

"We've made a decision to meet with them again."

"That's great." Clarke smiled. "I'm still worried there's something going on there, but it's good to see you're not going straight into a war with them."

"How long will you be gone?" Lexa asked.

"I don't know. It's two days to get there and two days to get back and whatever time I need there."

"I will handle things here. I will send 4 guards with you and I will leave Indra in charge and join you in ten days if you have not returned."

"And what if I'm walking back while you're walking there?" Clarke asked and leaned forward to press their foreheads together. She knew she needed to check on her mother and she was worried she might lose her, but the idea of leaving Lexa right now also worried her.

"I will find you." Lexa told her and kissed her gently. "I will always find you, Clarke of the Sky People."

Bellamy and Octavia were right where they said they'd be when Clarke arrived with enough supplies for the journey and back again.

"They're coming too?" Octavia said noting the guards.

"Yes, they're protection."

"For who? Since when do you need protection?"
"I don't. It was offered and it wasn't worth arguing about."

Octavia seemed to be taking everything in. Bellamy was just packing up his stuff.

"You and Lexa, right?" She guessed.

"How did you know?"

"Please, you two were always summoning each other, finding excuses to be alone together. I figured you were getting it on."

"We weren't getting anything on." Clarke felt the need to defend. "Nothing happened until I arrived here." She left out the kiss because it didn't exactly help prove her point.

"And what? You're together?" Bellamy asked. He stood up straight and placed his pack on his shoulders.

"Yeah, we're together." Clarke admitted before really thinking about it.

"So, you're like a grounder now?" Octavia asked with a little hurt in her voice.

"No, I'm not a grounder. I'm just Clarke. I can't help what I feel for her." She paused and shifted her pack. "Now, let's go."

Octavia spoke no more of it and Bellamy was silent on the matter as well as the seven of them started back to Jaha. The grounders spoke only to each other and only rarely since Octavia spoke their language fluently and Clarke had picked up some along the way.

"Where's Lincoln?" Clarke asked Octavia after several hours of walking non-stop at a brisk pace.

"He's back at the camp. I asked him to watch over Raven and your mom."

"Thank you." Clarke expressed.

"Don't thank me. She's still dying, Clarke." Octavia said with no emotion and walked ahead of the group.

"Don't be mad at her. She's still upset about Indra ditching her in the cave." Bellamy protected.

"I had nothing to do with that. Why is she taking it out on me?"

"She's taking it out on everybody."

They slept outside that night with the grounders taking turns keeping watch. Octavia didn't trust them so she stayed up for half the night and Bellamy took part in the second shift watch. Clarke tried her hardest to sleep and when the nightmares came, she woke and wished she had Lexa there beside her.

At dawn, they packed and quickly started off again. To make it there by nightfall would be a miracle, but Clarke was hoping for one.

"No one understands why you just left Clarke." Bellamy told her as they walked behind Octavia and in front of the grounders. "I mean, I get it. Kind of. Blood's on my hands too. I was there. I saw it. I just wish you would have stayed."

"I couldn't, Bell. You know why."

"Because of her?" He asked.

"Lexa? No. It wasn't like that." Clarke began. "I wasn't looking for her. At least, I don't think I was. Now it kind of seems like that, but when I left, I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want anyone to have to depend on me for a while. I just picked a direction and kept walking. I ended up at the capital."

"I get that you wanted to go, but you could've waited."

"I didn't want to go, Bellamy. I needed to go. I can't explain it any better than that. Now, come on." She started walking faster. He held back recognizing the moment to press her had passed.

They made it to the entrance of the camp around midnight. The Jaha guards let them through and Clarke used all the energy she had left after two solid days of walking to run to medical in search of her mother. The lights in the room were dim, but she could make out at least 6 people lying in beds. She walked over to each and checked to see who it was. A few of them were people she didn't recognize. Wick was in a bed next to Raven. Raven was hooked to machines, but he appeared to be unharmed. Clarke remembered their connection from before and guessed he was just there to keep her company. Clarke hoped Raven would let him in after what happened with Finn. She deserved to be happy and Wick seemed like a good guy. There was a woman in the last bed, but it wasn't her mother.

"Clarke?" Her mom asked and Clarke spun around quickly to see her standing there holding an IV bag.

"Mom? You're okay?" Clarke ran to her and hugged her.

"Careful!" Her mom said. She embraced her daughter gingerly. Clarke pulled back.

"Did I hurt you?"

"My leg. It's still healing."

"But you're okay? Other than that?" She looked her mom up and down.

"I'm fine."

Bellamy and Octavia entered the tent.
"Bellamy, what the hell?" Clarke pushed him against the wall. "She's fine! You told me she was dying!"

"Clarke, it wasn't his fault." Abby said. "I told him to get you here."

"He told me you were dying, mom!"

"I had to get you back here."

"It was my idea." Octavia joined in. "I knew it would work."

"Clarke, don't be angry with them."

"Why am I here?" Clarke asked folding her arms across her chest.

"Because this is where you belong." Abby responded and walked to her daughter.

"That's for me to decide, mom. I'm not a child anymore. You can't just dictate what I do."

"You need to deal with what happened and being on your own won't help you do that. We can help you, Clarke." Abby paused. "What happened at Mount Weather is not your fault."

"I am dealing with it and I wasn't alone, mom. I was with Lexa."

"That's the last person I want you with. She's the reason-"

"She's the reason I'm getting through this!" Clarke stopped her mother.

Just then beeping on one of the machines increased in rhythm.

"Raven!" Abby announced and ran to Raven's bedside.

"What happened?" Wick woke up and sat on his bed watching Raven seize, unable to do anything.

"Hold her down!" Abby ordered and Wick helped with her shoulders. Bellamy and Octavia each took a leg. Abby injected something into her IV and Raven's seizure slowed before stopping.

"What's wrong with her?" Clarke asked after watching the whole thing from a few feet away.

"They took a lot of her marrow, Clarke. She hasn't been responding to treatment how I'd like."

"But she'll be okay, right?" Wick asked looking at Abby desperately.

"I don't know yet, Wick. I'm sorry." Abby stood up and looked over at Clarke. "Your friends need you here, Clarke."

"I'll stay for a couple of days. Until Raven's out of the woods. I owe her that much, but then I'm leaving."

"Abby, why are there 4 grounders standing outside the camp?" It was Kane's voice as he entered. "Clarke? You're back?"

"They're with me." She told him.

"You brought grounders?"

"They escorted us for protection. You should let them in. They're with me. They won't hurt anyone."

"They won't help anyone either." Wick stood. "They left us on that mountain. They're the reason Raven's in this bed right now."

"They stay or I go." Clarke stood her ground. "They'll stay out of the way and they'll leave with me."

"Clarke, you don't have to go." Kane stated and walked closer. "You saved us all. The people here want to thank you."

Clarke started back outside.

"I don't want anyone's thanks, Kane." She left medical and walked outside. She breathed a deep sigh of relief that her mother was alive and well. She worried about Raven and others. Some she'd lost on the mountain and some before that. She missed her dad because he'd always provided the best advice.

Kane exited and walked toward two camp guards. He spoke with them briefly and then motioned for the grounders to enter. They joined Clarke and without saying anything, she walked them to a space they could call their own while she was here. She returned to her old bunk. It looked exactly the same as when she left it the last time. It even smelled the same. On her bed was a black, leather jacket. She'd gotten it from Lexa. She was to wear it the night of the battle, but it was too small for fighting because it made it hard to move so she was given a different one. She smiled at the thought of Lexa giving her gifts. The jacket was a gift even before their kiss in the tent. In parts, Lexa had told her. She'd fell in love with her in parts.

When she woke in the morning, she checked on the grounders who were already up and had gone hunting in the woods surrounding the camp. She'd assured them she was safe inside its fence. She walked into medical and saw the bed next to Raven was empty. Wick was probably told to get back to work. There were two people working, but Clarke's mom wasn't one of them. She sat on the bed next to Raven and watched as the girl slept.

For four days, it was like this. She'd wake, check on the grounders, walk to medical and sit next to Raven. After that, she'd return to her bunk while the others worked. She recalled her time in solitary on the ark, she listened to the music engineering had figured out how to play over speakers throughout the camp and she'd think of Lexa. She took lunch outside, but with Bellamy only. Octavia still kind of hated her. People tried to thank her when they saw her, but she never said anything back. She'd nod or do nothing at all. She didn't deserve their thanks. It was her responsibility to find them and get them out of that mountain. Nothing more. She tried having dinner with her mother, but that ended when they argued over Clarke's decisions. The missile was still on Abby's mind. Even though she said she understood Clarke's decision not to say anything, there was still something there in her tone that made Clarke feel like no matter what she did, she'd always be a child to her mom. Her father never made her feel that way. She longed for him.

By day five, Raven still wasn't awake and Abby worried there was something internal she'd missed. They reviewed charts inside medical while people in the camp played games outside reveling in the fact that, for once, there was no enemy lurking out there trying to kill them.

The surgery was 13 hours long. Abby had missed something, but it wasn't her fault. They had some of the equipment the ark had to offer, but not all of it was running and resources were scarce. Raven barely pulled through the operation and required several blood transfusions.

Clarke didn't want to participate in anything the camp had to offer. She just wasn't ready to be involved again because being involved meant being in charge for her. There really was no alternative. Even the adults deferred to her at this point. She had to stop thinking of them like that though. The adults versus the children. The original 100 were children, but the surviving group had long since grown up. It wasn't the children trying to lead the adults. It had turned into people leading people and she didn't want to be a leader right now and she couldn't be a follower. She didn't have that in her. In that way, Lexa was right. She was born to lead because she wasn't born to follow.

"Clarke?" Abby asked walking into Clarke's bunk.

"Raven?" Clarke jumped.

"She's okay. She's still out, but she's okay."

Clarke relaxed her body.

"Good. I'm going to check on her before I call it a night. Is there anything I can do?"

"You can talk to me." Abby said and sat down next to her on the bed.

"Mom, that's not what I meant."

"I know, but Clarke, you need to talk to someone. Why not me?"

"Because you don't understand."
"I don't understand? People dying? Clarke, I'm a doctor. I lived on the ark. I dealt with life and death everyday."

"But you were upset about the missile?" Clarke explained her concern.

"In the moment, yes. I didn't understand your decision to let others die." She started. "It took me some time, but I understand now. I'm sorry I didn't get it then. The emotion of it all-"

"I had to turn those off."

"Clarke, you can't just turn off your emotions. Even if you try, they just come right back."

"I know that now, but Lexa was right, mom. We couldn't give up Bellamy. If we would have stopped the missile, they would have found him and the acid fog wouldn't have stopped and we wouldn't have been able-"

"To save everyone. I know." Her mom finished.

"I didn't want to do it." Clarke lowered her head.

"I know that too. Believe me, I understand what it's like to have to make those decisions now, honey." She rubbed Clarke's back. "I can't say I understand your situation completely, but I can try." She took a deep breath. "I remember the feeling of hugging you on the ark for what I thought was the last time."

Clarke looked over at her.

"The day we left?"

"Yes." She paused and rested her hands in her lap and clasped them together tightly at the memory. "I hoped the earth was survivable. I hoped I'd see you again, but I didn't know and I had to send you here. I had to possibly sacrifice my own daughter for the greater good of the human race."

"Would you do it again?" Clarke asked.

Abby looked at her and then back to her hands considering.

"I don't know. It wasn't entirely my choice the first time, was it? You were to be executed in a month. I don't know if I could have convinced Jaha to change that. I'd tried after your arrest. Every day, I tried, but the law was the law and there were no exceptions." She paused. "Your dad probably would have done better." Another pause with a deep breath. "He couldn't have saved himself, but he was good with words. He had a way with them. He might have been able to talk to Jaha or Kane and convince them, but I'm not as good as he was."

"Mom…"

"Coming here gave you a chance. I had to take it." There was a tear rolling down Abby's cheek. She swiped it away. "I know you think you have to go, but you don't. You can stay. You don't have to participate if you're not ready, but you should stay, Clarke. We all want you here."

"I know, but…"

"Clarke, you have a visitor." It was Bellamy at the open door.

"Who?"

"Guess." He said and walked away. Clarke didn't know what that meant, but she stood and walked out of her bunk. Her mother followed not knowing what was going on either. They exited and walked toward the front of the camp following Bellamy.

It was then that Clarke saw all four of the grounders standing at the entrance. She approached them with her mother behind and Bellamy to her right.

"Heda wishes to approach." One of them stated.

"What? She's here?" Clarke asked. "How many days have I been here?"

"Who's here, Clarke?" Her mom asked not knowing the term for commander in grounder speak.

"Where is she?" Clarke asked.

"The woods. We can take you."

Clarke looked at the ground and then over at Bellamy.

"Good luck." He offered and walked off toward medical.

"Mom, Lexa's here."