AN – UGH, something went way screwy with this fic on ff.net, and in the process of trying to fix it, I ended up deleting the whole fic, thereby losing all my reviews…all 44 of them…*cries*, please leave me some feedback so I can have some reviews listed, I'd really appreciate it!

Author's Notes – This is mostly a fluffy part with a bit of angst.  But of special note, assume that between B/A's meeting during Forever and the post Flooded/CN meeting, that Angel told Buffy the basics about LA (i.e. Darla, W&H, rescuing Fred, Cordy getting the visions, etc).  I don't feel like having him explain ALL that stuff, there's enough more important stuff he has to explain.  Also, I know many of you wanted me to include s7/4's big bads and what has been going on, but I'm not going to.  This fic is post s6/3, so anything after that is left out.  It would have made things more complicated than I wanted to make them, and basically I have no idea where Joss is going with some of the 'interesting' events of this season on both shows.  So just block out what has been happening on both shows.  Also, Connor is included, as well as talk about A/C but I changed things slightly from actual happenings on the show, so just bear with me, and accept the changes for the purpose of creative freedom and storyline needs.

AN2 – I'm not all that satisfied with this part, I glossed over a lot, but honestly, I didn't want to have to have Angel rehash so much, and I'm no where near as familiar with ATS as I am with BTVS.  And I altered things a tad.  Plus Buffy is exceedingly understanding, maybe too much.  But try to ignore any of those faults.

Special Dedication – This goes out to the cast of BTVS (even though they'll never read this).  It's been a great ride for 7 years.  All of us fans, me included, will miss the show greatly.

Spoilers – general for 'IWRY', 'This year's girl', 'Who are you', 'Sanctuary', and basic knowledge of ATS major stories for seasons 1-3

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Part 9

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For long minutes, history's strongest Slayer, and The Powers That Be's chosen Warrior remained locked in a hushed embrace.  Tear tracks marred the face of each.  But they were not tears of sadness.  They were tears arisen from the restoration of a union that seemed forever doomed.  Both had always hoped that this exact moment would someday come, but neither had really truly believed that it ever would.  And now that it had, the emotions it triggered were overwhelming.

It was Angel who finally broke the silence with words softly whispered into his beloved's ear.

"You're back."

"You noticed that huh?" she joked softly.

"I didn't think you would."

"I wasn't sure I would either."

"What made you decide?"

"Why don't we go sit on the couch and talk, I guess there's a lot we both need to say." Buffy replied while forcing herself to pull out of the long held embrace.

The two walked hand in hand to the sofa in the middle of the room.  Angel sat on the end while Buffy sat facing him with her legs cross, the need for physical contact remained and they continued holding hands.

"We were so worried about you, no one knew where you were," Angel spoke, looking directly into her eyes.

"I'm sorry about that.  I needed to get away, and I didn't want anyone to know where.  They would only try to tell me what to do, or talk in circles, I needed to decided for myself," spoke Buffy with a sigh before continuing.

"They mean well, but sometimes they push me in certain direction just because they think its what's best for me.  Anyway, I went and saw Dawn, then I went up to this place in the mountains, a spa where they pamper you like you wouldn't believe.  But mostly I spent the whole time trying to figure out what I wanted.  No matter how much I thought about everything though, I just couldn't figure it all out.

"I guess you did decide, though, since you're here," interjected Angel when she paused for a few moments.

"I did.  It's funny, I wasn't even really thinking about it this morning when it came to me.  I was just sitting there relaxing, not trying to think about anything.  Then these visions, or maybe they were dreams, started popping up in my head about us doing things together that we never had a chance to do before, walks on the beach, hanging out with the gang, waking up next to each other.  When I snapped myself out of my little fantasies I realized how much I wanted those things with you, and that was when I knew what it was that I wanted to do.  Which brings me to now," finished Buffy with a slight hitch in her voice.  She hadn't meant to let it show, but there was still some unease in her decision, she was still afraid that he would break her heart again.

Angel recognized the hesitation in her voice and closed his eyes for a moment.  He knew that he was still going to have to work to win back her trust after all the things he'd done to her in the distant and not so distant past.  But he was willing to work at it.  This time, he was not going to let her get away. 

With a gentleness uncommon for a person of his size and bulk, he pulled her onto his lap and wrapped his arms around her once again.  Buffy immediately relaxed in the new position, laying her head against the broad expanse of his chest while Angel rested his cheek on the top of her head.

"Just so you know, I want those things to…the things you dreamed about.  There's nothing I want more in this world than to have to moments with you," he whispered soothingly to her.

"I know.  I knew that before I left, but it's not easy to forget the past.  It's always there reminding me of all the hurt and heartache," Buffy replied in a soft voice.

"And I've caused most of that.  You'll never know how sorry I am for all of the things that I've done that have hurt you," answered Angel sorrowfully.

"Angel, no.  We've both hurt each other more times than imaginable.  I've done things I'm not so proud of that have hurt you deeply."  Buffy lifted her head to look at Angel's eyes before continuing.  "I never did say I was sorry for the things I said to you in LA when I came because of Faith.  I've regretted those words ever since then.  I lashed out and hurt you because of it."

"I won't lie to you and say it didn't hurt because it did.  I felt like my heart was torn in two.  Deep down I knew you didn't mean it, that you were just trying to hurt me, but it still stung," responded Angel as he stroked the back of her hair.

"I was upset and hurt.  Faith had come out of her coma and reeked havoc on my life.  She attacked me, switched our bodies, slept with Riley, and then I come to LA and found you protecting her.  I just couldn't understand it at the time.  So I lashed out.  And on some unconscious level I was punishing you.  I couldn't believe that Riley had been with her and hadn't known it wasn't really me.  I knew you would have figured it out.  But you weren't there.  You left me.  And I wanted to punish you for that.  So I said all those things to you, but I never really meant it," explained Buffy in a tear stained voice.

"I know, baby.  It's ok.  We were both hurting and we both did things we regret.  For my part, I'm sorry too, for 'stalking' you that Thanksgiving, the things I said when you came about Faith, for all the times I haven't been there for you in the past years, and most of all, I'm sorry for the way I left you.  If I had it to do over again, I'd do it differently, but even so, I still would have left.  I wanted what was best for you and I didn't think you'd get that if I had stayed," said Angel, hoping that she understood what he was trying to convey.

"I understand that now or at least I try to.  I didn't get it at the time and it hurt more than you could possibly know to think that you didn't want to be with me.  I was so young then, though  I needed to grow up…"

"and I needed to find myself, to find my purpose in life," finished Angel.  "Maybe we had to be apart to be ready for now.  We had to become the people that we are before we could look toward our future, together."

"Maybe, but the short trip around would have been better than the scenic route.  Would have saved on a lot of not-so-nice stuff that we did to each other," replied Buffy in a sarcasm tinged voice.

"Yeah, it would have.  But that's all in the past now.  We can't change it, and we probably can't ever forget about it all, but we can move forward from it.  We can learn from out past mistakes and look toward a future, our future, together," responded Angel, his voice soft and gentle.

"Together, I like the sound of that," sighed Buffy while laying her head back down on his chest.

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"So tell me about LA.  I told you what's been going on here, tell me what's been going on with your team," questioned Buffy later that night after the pair spent much time just holding each other.

"A lot's happened in the past few years.  Some of it I probably should have called an told you about, but at the time there was so much going on that I didn't have a chance, and then later I kept talking myself out of it, and there was some other…stuff going on.  But please hear me out before you get upset about anything I say.  I guess I'll start with the less important stuff.  Remember the girl Fred I told you about," at Buffy's nod he continued.

"Her and Gunn got married a few years ago, they still work for me.  So do Wes and Cordy.  We've basically just spent the last few years fighting evil, saving souls.  We took down Wolfram & Hart, finally, like I told you.  We're still working from the hotel I told you about.  Lorne, the demon who reads souls, re-opened Caritas last year, but we still see him a lot…" he trailed off not knowing how to tell her about the major things that had happened in his life.

"Angel, it's ok.  You can tell me anything.  I can't guarantee it won't upset me, but I'll try to understand," reassured Buffy.

"I know, I just don't want to hurt you anymore," Angel sighed and rubbed his hands over his face.  "Darla came back not long after the last time I saw you all those years ago.  And she was pregnant.  Which I know you're thinking is not possible.  But she was.  And she said the child was mine."  The look of utter shock on Buffy's face did not escape Angel.

"To make a very long story short, she got pregnant on that one night we spent together, the one I told you about.  There was some prophecy about two vampires creating a child.  So there was Darla, pregnant.  In the end, she staked herself to save the baby, it would have never been able to be born otherwise.  And all of the sudden I had a son, Connor.  He was the light in my dark world."

"Was?" repeated Buffy.  Despite the shock of learning Angel had a son, and hurt that it hadn't been her that carried it, she had noticed his use of the past tense.

"Everyone was after Connor, any evil group you could imagine wanted him.  And there was Holtz, a man who time-traveled from long ago to exact revenge on me for killing his family.  Wolfram & Hart was also playing some mind games.  During all that Wes found some prophecy that said I would kill Connor and in the end he kidnapped him.  But that played right into Holtz's plan.  He and this girl Justine almost killed Wes and took Connor.  I watched as Holtz jumped through a portal to another dimension…with my son."  Tears burned in Angel's eyes as he spoke of one of the most horrible events in his life.

"Oh Angel, I'm so sorry.  I can't imagine what that would have been like for you.  And to have Wes take your son," soothed Buffy.  Any hurt she felt over the son she never knew about faded into the background as she listened to Angel talk about him.  The love that radiated in his eyes for the child was obvious and she couldn't help but feel glad that Angel had had a chance to be a father, even if it wasn't with her.

"I felt so betrayed by Wes, I could have killed him.  As it was, I didn't want anything to do with him for months, but eventually we slowly started working our way back, it took a long time, though, to feel comfortable with each other again.  It changed both of us.  Wes became a bit…harder because of what he had done and the aftermath.  And I'd lost my son, that changes a person," said Angel sadly.

"I don't know if I would have ever been able to trust him again.  I still remember what he did when Faith shot you with the poisoned arrow.  You were always better at forgiveness than me though," smirked Buffy, thinking back on the things that had happened with Faith.  "What happened with Connor?  Did you try to get him back?"

"We tried, but nothing seemed to work, and then one day he just came back on his own, a few months later.  A portal opened up in the hotel while we were all standing there and out dropped a teenage boy.  Connor.  In the few months he was gone on earth, he grew up years in a Hell-like dimension.  He was so hostile.  Holtz had fed him endless diatribes about me.  He was taught to hate me.  I tried so hard to convince him I wasn't a monster.  All I wanted was to be his father.  I thought for a while I was getting through to him, but then Holtz struck again, killing himself and making it look like I killed him.  Connor attacked me, locked me in a metal tomb and dropped me into the ocean.  I was there for months until Wes rescued me.  When I got out I told Connor that I loved him but that I never wanted to see him again.  And I haven't," finished Angel, tears rolling out of his eyes.

"That must have been hard for you," stated Buffy, saddened by the things she hadn't been there to help Angel through. 

"It was, but it was what I had to do.  Nothing I did would make him understand that I'm not the monster that Angelus was.  And I couldn't let him continue to hurt my team, and me, the way that he was.  I still think about him all the time.  I keep my ear to the ground, and every once in a while I hear something about a kid fighting demons.  So I know he's still out there and ok.  I guess I still hope that someday, he'll be able to accept me, but I can't force him to.  If he does, it will be when he's ready to," explained Angel, not bothering to hide the hurt in his voice over the situation with his son.

"I hope someday he does.  He's missing out on having a great father," stated Buffy, lifting her hand to lightly caress his cheek.

"Thank you, it means a lot to me to hear you say that, and thank you for being so understanding.  I know it must be hard to hear about it," replied Angel, reaching up his own hand to cup the one Buffy had placed on his face.

"It's…strange, I'll admit that, and it hurts a little.  But I can see how much he meant…means…to you.  Who am I to judge you about it?  At least I already knew about what happened with Darla before.  And it's not like you're telling me about a girlfriend or something."  The minute the words left her mouth, Buffy instantly recognized the guilt on his face and the sudden stiffness throughout his body.

"Angel?" she questioned nervously.  When he didn't reply and wouldn't look her in the face she quickly scrambled out of his lap and came to a halt a few feet in front of him.  "Tell me," she demanded.

"There was someone…a few years back," Angel replied guiltily.  When he saw that Buffy was waiting for him to tell more, he went on.  "I was lonely, Connor needed a mother, and she was always around.  These feelings just started to arise that I didn't understand.  Everyone around us was pushing us together and she seemed to feel the same way.  So we just kind of…got together.  It didn't last long though."

Buffy listened to him talk about this other woman and felt anger building within her.  She knew it wasn't exactly fair to be upset about it.  Angel had every right to move on with his life.  She had.  But at the same time, when she thought about the reasons he had left her for, it seemed she had every right to be a bit angry.

"Who was she?" Buffy bit out.

"It's not imp-" started Angel, but quickly realized he was going to have to answer the question.  "Cordelia."

"CORDELIA?!?!  The Cordelia Chase?  Queen C bitch of Sunnydale?!?!" she screamed out.

"Yes," winced Angel.

"Oh, this is just great.  YOU leave ME so I can have this 'normal life' you think I have to have, but you can hook yourself up with Cordelia?" Buffy yelled angrily. 

"Which is exactly what she said," responded Angel softly.

"Huh?" wondered Buffy as she stopped the pacing she'd started a few moments earlier.

"That's the same thing she told me.  A few months after we got together she came to me one day and said it wasn't going to work.  She said she wasn't going to play second best to you," explained Angel tiredly.  He had known this topic was going to come up and that Buffy was not going to like it.  Rubbing the back of his neck for a moment and then leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees he continued.

"She gave me this big speech one day about how she knew why I left you, that I loved you so much that I left you to have better than me.  And how I was afraid to stay with you for fear of releasing the demon again.  Then she asked me how I thought that made her feel.  I didn't really understand why she asked me that so she spelled it out plain and simple for me.  I left you to have a normal life and to keep myself from getting too happy, but I would let myself be with Cordelia.  She told me that led to two conclusions for her, one being that I didn't love her as much as you since I was willing to keep her from a normal life, and the other being that I didn't seem to be afraid of getting too happy with her.  So she told me that she wasn't going to play some consolation prize since I couldn't have you," finished Angel, warily casting a glance in Buffy's direction.

"That's Queen C for ya, never one to stand for being second best," joked Buffy lamely, not knowing what else to say at the moment.

"She was right, though.  I was desperate, and lonely.  And so much was going on at that point in time.  I took whatever feelings I had for her and made them into love.  There was a certain feeling a safety for me being with her, and she was there at a time when I really needed someone," relayed Angel quietly as he prayed that Buffy would understand what he was going through.

"Angel," started Buffy, running a hand through her long blonde hair.  "I can't say I'm not hurt that you let yourself be with her.  It definitely stings a bit.  But I can understand that need, to lose yourself in someone.  My reasons for doing it may have been different, but that's what I did with Spike after I was brought back to life."  As she finished the sentence, Buffy sat herself down on the couch next to Angel, pulling her knees up to her chest.

"Do you forgive me for it?" asked Angel with a cautious look in Buffy's direction.

"No…because there's nothing I have to forgive you for.  As much as I hate the idea that you let yourself be with her, I don't have a right to be mad, we weren't together then.  So we both did the best we could given our circumstances."  Climbing onto Angel's lap once again, Buffy spoke in a tired voice, "we really know how to make a mess of our lives don't we?"

"Yes, love, that we do," chuckled Angel, a mirroring tiredness in his voice.

Without intending to, the two lovers were soon mired in a deep sleep, wrapped in each others arms.  Buffy lay with her head resting over the steady beat of Angel's newly awakened heart while her Angel rested his cheek against the top of her head, savoring the sweet scent that he'd missed for so long.  Nothing could disturb the pair as they slept more peacefully than either had in a long time.

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Buffy was slowly awakened by a stray beam of sunlight caressing her smooth skin.  The feel of strong arms still wrapped gently around her caused a silent sigh to escape her lips.  This was exactly where she'd dreamed of being for so long.  And it was blissfully perfect.

She knew without looking that Angel was also awake.  The soft, lulling motion of one of his thumbs on the small of her back assured her of that.  She shifted slightly to bring her left hand out from around his waist up on to his chest, content to feel the strong muscles beneath.

"I've only felt this way once before.  Like a normal girl, falling asleep in the arms of her normal boyfriend. It's perfect." She cooed in a quiet voice, afraid to break the peace of the early morning.

Angel instantly stiffened after hearing her words.  Even now, so many years later, he still remembered every single moment of their lost day.  The one he had taken back without giving her a choice.  The one she still knew nothing about.  He knew that he had to tell her, but he feared her reaction.  They'd gained so much in the last few hours, he didn't want to lose it all once again.  But he had to do it.

The sudden change in Angel's body language was not lost on Buffy.  She debated for a moment about whether to push him to talk about it, and decided they needed to clear the air, about everything.

"Angel?" she questioned, finally picking her head up off his chest to look into his eyes.

"Buffy…I…there's something I need to tell you about," he stuttered out with a nervousness of epic proportions.

"Angel…I know," Buffy responded in a steady voice.

"K-know?  W-what?" he breathed out, confused at her words.  He wondered what it was she 'knew'.  There was no way she could…

Buffy turned in his lap so that she could look directly into his eyes.  She'd known, or at least she'd hoped she known, exactly what her words would trigger in Angel.  And his reaction didn't disappoint.  But now it was her time to reveal what she knew.

"I told you I'd never forget, but I did.  At least for a little while," she divulged, her eyes moistened at the thought of what Angel must have gone through possessing those memories for so long.

"H-how?  The oracles said you'd never remember," asked a thoroughly shocked Angel.  Her revelation had come completely unexpected.

"I know, and they were pretty much right.  About a year and a half ago, this psycho warlock demon came to town.  He thought he'd have a little fun messing with our heads, made us all a little crazy for a while, but I eventually killed him.  Except that the head magic he used on us didn't fully disappear after he was dead.  Willow used some spell to clear out the haziness, when it was finished…there they were.  I guess the spell unlocked the memories somehow," explained Buffy with a shrug at the end.  How the memories came back to her was still pretty much a mystery beyond the spell Willow did.

"I'm so sorry.  I should have told you a long time ago…," apologized Angel, quickly turning his gaze downward.

"Angel, I'm not mad at you," Buffy stated firmly, cupping his chin in her hand and pulling his head back up to meet hers.

"You're not?" queried Angel, stunned to say the least.  He thought for sure he was going to have to face the wrath of an extremely pissed off Slayer, but he should have known by now that his Buffy was full of surprises.

"No, I'm not.  At least not now.  I was furious when I first put all the memories together, but funny enough, it was Xander that made me understand it all," chuckled Buffy, thinking back to the talk she had with her brown haired friend.  She moved around a little on Angel's lap to get more comfortable before finishing her tale of events.

"After the spell finished, there were these flashes, images, in my head.  They made no sense…just these short clips of you and me together that I was sure had never really happened.  But the flashes kept coming.  Everyone else went up to bed and I went out on the back porch to try and sort through what was going on.  After a while, they weren't just flashes, I had a complete memory of everything that had happened.  I was furious with you for again making a decision without me, but I didn't know what to do about it at the time.

Not long after that Xander came and sat down next to me.  I guess he noticed something was wrong after the spell was finished so he came to check on me.  I hardly noticed he was there, I just started sobbing and yelling and poor Xander just sat there and took it all.  When I finally calmed down I told him what I'd remembered.  I got up and told him I was going to go to LA to beat the crap out of you when he asked me a question…" Buffy left the sentence hang while the memory of Xander's words washed over her.

"What did he ask you?" prodded Angel softly.

"He said 'Wouldn't you have done the same for him?'  It stopped me dead in my tracks.  And I knew he was right.  I would have done the same.  But I was still mad, and furthermore confused because of all people, Xander was coming to your defense.  I asked him why and he told me that any guy that would sacrifice his humanity, something that he'd probably wanted for so long, for a girl that he loved, was all right in his book.  And my heart broke even more because I realized Xander was exactly right.  You gave up your redemption, for me, so that I could live.  That's not something I could ever be angry with."  A faint sob escaped her lips when she'd finished speaking.

Angel pulled her body flush against his and stroked her long golden tresses.  He'd never imagined that she would be able to forgive him for the decision he'd made back then.  But she had, for which he was immensely grateful.  And it only further proved to him how much she had matured as a person.

"Why didn't you ever tell me that you knew?" he murmured into her ear.

"I wanted to, but it wouldn't have changed anything.  We still couldn't be together and it would have only hurt us more to have to deal with it back then.  So I kept it to myself, Xander was the only person who knew about it," Buffy whispered in response.

For long minutes they remained as they were.  Angel continued to place gentle caresses on Buffy's hair and back, soothing away the troubles from their past.  They'd cleared the air of everything between them, or at least Angel hoped that was everything.

"I think we've managed to dredge up every little thing important in the last few hours, don't you?  Unless there's anything else you have to tell…" he spoke, somewhat in jest.

"No, I think that's pretty much everything.  We like to go heavy duty on the emotional torture don't we?" she joked back at him.

"Can't disagree with you there.  But like I said before, it's all in the past.  We have a future ahead of us…one we will have together."  He kissed her softly, their first kiss, in what Angel felt was way too long.  A loud rumble coming from the woman in his arms interrupted the sweet moment.

"I guess someone's hungry," laughed Angel.  The unusual sound of his laughter brought a smile to her face.

"Gee, how'd ya figure that one out," she playfully smacked his arm.

"Why don't we go into the kitchen and I'll make you some breakfast," suggested Angel as he stood, still holding Buffy in his arms.

"Works for me," she beamed at him.  Her earlier sentiments echoed in her head.  This was indeed perfect.  A morning with her Angel.  Nothing could be any better.

^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^-^

They ate the French toast breakfast that Angel made in companionable silence.  Being in the others presence enough to sate their needs.  Angel marveled internally about the fact that the one woman that he'd ever really, truly loved, but always seemed so far out of reach, was sitting only a few feet away from him and wanted the same thing he did.  A future together.  He couldn't keep his eyes off her.  He loved the way the sun reflected off her hair and the rumpled look of her clothes from being in them all night.  But really, there was nothing about her that he didn't love.

She knew he was watching her and part of her reveled in that notion.  After all this time, he still wanted her, was still hopelessly in need of her.  It gave her a warm feeling all over to be that desired.  She wondered if he realized that she felt the same way about him.  Her heartbeat jumped slightly as she gazed over his masculine form.  The dark green, obviously expensive, sweater he wore clung in all the right places.  The muscular arms that always held her with such love were easily noticeable underneath the soft material.  She licked her lips unconsciously as she thought about what was underneath that sweater.

Unrealized by either one, they had both ceased eating their breakfasts and were now staring intently at each other.  And neither noticed the fact that they had risen from their seats to come rest standing face to face, only separated by mere inches.  And neither consciously made the move that found them tangled in each others arms, lips locked in an expression of passion, lust, love and need, held in for years.

Hands groped while tongues intertwined in the warm recesses of their mouths.  The need for each other completely overwhelmed the long separated lovers.  The feel, the touch, the taste, the smell, they couldn't get enough. 

When Angel finally regained some sense of reality he realized that he had Buffy backed against a wall, her legs wrapped around his waist.  He quickly pulled away, carefully placing her feet back on the floor.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't ha-" he started in a hoarse voice.

"Don't be sorry," she whispered, voice equally hazy.

"We shouldn't.  I don't want to rush things," replied Angel, his frustration not hidden in the least.

"Angel, we've waited long enough," answered Buffy, pressing her body up against his, placing a hand on his face in a loving caress.

"Are you sure?" he turned his head to place a kiss on her palm.

"Make love to me, my Angel," she requested, love shining in her eyes.

Her plea was all Angel needed.  He swept Buffy up into his arms, placing a promising kiss onto her warm soft lips.  With a swift turn, he strode out of the kitchen, his blonde goddess giggling at his eagerness.  A few short seconds later, the sound of a door slamming somewhere echoed throughout the mansion.

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TBC…feedback always welcome and appreciated

All right…this is highly annoying, there is an optional reading add-on to this part (which can't be posted here due to ratings rules), but every time I upload this part to ff.net, the URL magically disappears from the document which I'll assume has something to do with ff.net's rules.  SOOO, if you wish to read part 9.5, feel free to email me (vagabond_angel@comcast.net) and request the URL, or go to my profile at ff.net, go to my website, click on 'I Dreamt of Someday', go to the bottom, and there will be a link to part 9.5.