Ch9

"Why?" Carter asked.

It was just one word but it shocked Abby. It scared her. She didn't know how to talk about it. She'd never told a single person about it, and now everything was happening so quickly. She didn't want to answer. She knew the answers were hard to explain and even harder to understand.

"Abby please tell me." John said in a quiet, patient tone.

Abby's hands started to shake and then her whole body. She was terrified.

Carter noticed the change in her and wrapped his arms around her and pulled her back to lie against him while he waited for her answer.

"It's just easier," she said.

"What is?"

"It's easier to.to do that then deal with my thoughts." Abby couldn't bring herself to say the words. She didn't think she would ever be able to speak them. "I can't deal with the emotional stuff so I make it physical. I can deal with that. It blocks everything else out - it makes it real."

Abby was crying again. She hated it. She tried to stop but Carter noticed.

"Abby it's OK to cry" he whispered. " You've been hurt so much for so long you need to get it out."

Abby cried again. There was so much pain. Carter hated seeing her that way. It made him realize all over again how much she'd been through in her life and it made him feel guilty. He felt guilty for not noticing sooner. Guilty for not pushing her harder to find out what was really wrong. He felt like he had failed her for not being there more and that was an awful feeling. He wished so badly that he could take away everything that had ever hurt her. He wished he could physically roll it all up into a ball and throw it away.

But he couldn't. All he could do was hold her and find a way to get through this. And that Carter knew was not going to be easy. "Does anyone else know? Luka, Richard, anyone?" He didn't know how long she'd been doing this and he needed to know. Maybe it was the wrong time to ask but he was a doctor and he couldn't help himself.

"No. It wasn't so bad with Richard until the end and by then he was to busy cheating on me to notice." Abby said with sharp sarcasm that made Carter wince. Her words scared him - Abby had been with Richard years ago. How long had she been doing this?

"It started shortly after the drinking." Abby said as if she could read his mind. "I hated everything. I hated Maggie for being sick, I hated my father for leaving, and most of all I hated me for becoming a drunk. I just hated. The first time it happened it was actually a suicide attempt but I couldn't go through with it. The pain made me feel better and after that it became a habit. No one ever knew. It never hurt any one and I could keep everything to myself. I could deal with it alone and it never hurt any one else. I kept it from Maggie, from Eric, from Richard, even from Luka."

Abby's words stung Carter. They cut straight through his heart.

"Years," Carter thought. "She's been alone with this for years." The thought made him feel sick. How could he have known her for so long and not see the signs? How could he be with her and not know? He had let her down and he hated himself for it.

"I don't want you to know." Abby said her voice starting to shake as she realized the enormity of it all. "I hate that you know." She began to get angry - it was more out of fear but she couldn't stop herself. She tried to get out of his grasp but he wouldn't let her.

"Carter stop it! Let me go!" Abby said, panic and fear building up inside her. "You aren't supposed to know!" Abby yelled at him, finally getting out of his arms. "I'm only hurting you, I'm selfish and I can't be with you."

Abby hated what she was saying. She hated that she was pushing him away but the voices had been right. She'd seen the look of terror on his face when he found her. She had heard him cry when he'd held her and all of it was her fault. She was the one who did that to him. She had hurt him and she hated herself for it.

Abby ran into her bedroom the only place in her tiny apartment where she could get away from Carter.

"Carter sat on the couch for a few moments after she left. He felt stunned, shocked, hurt. There were a million words that would fit the way he felt at that moment. He didn't know what to do. At first he wanted to chase after her, but then he realized he should let her be alone for awhile. She was pretty frazzled and needed time to calm down.

He stood up and began straightening up the room. It wasn't really messy but he needed something to do.

Abby sat on the floor under the window in her room and hugged her knees to her chest. She half expected Carter to follow her but he didn't. She wanted him to more then anything. She wanted him to come in the room and wrap his arms around her and tell her he was glad he knew. She wanted him to tell her that it scared him but he could handle it because he loved her.

'Look what you did Abby: you hurt and scared Carter, then you yelled at him. He's not coming in here, you're alone again. He's probably leaving right now.'

Abby knew Carter wasn't leaving. Part of her wanted him to. The mean, horrible side of Abby that liked her to be miserable hoped he would just give up and leave. But the other side wanted him to stay. She realized this is what she'd always wanted: someone who would be there for her no matter what. It was what she'd always dreamed of but had been too afraid to hope for. She wondered if Carter really could be that person. He had found her darkest secret and he hadn't run. He had done the opposite. He had held her and let her cry. Abby wondered if maybe, just maybe, Carter was meant to save her.