Marshall didn't care who he hurt right now. They didn't get what it was like. "You think you know what I'm going through? I'm not one of your boy toys you can yank around by a leash. Go back to drying tears for your alcoholic mother and leave me alone!"
"At least she's trying to do something about her situation. You're just going to wallow in self pity…no better than some of the people we deal with," Mary almost said witnesses, but caught herself in time, "Marshall Mann, first U.S Marshal in five generations who didn't have the courage or bravery to stand and fight for himself. What kind of legacy are you going to leave behind? It won't be much since you've proven to be a quitter."
"You are the most damaged, screwed up misfit that I've ever had the misfortune to know," Marshall continued to fling insults at her.
Mary had to suppress the smile, as each time Marshall spoke in anger at her and the more riled up he got, the further he was moving across the bars. So far he was about half way there and hadn't realized it yet.
"True, but as you once told me, I must have been a big disappoint to my family by going into law enforcement. I, at, least can catch the bad guys. What are you going to do? Sit back and cry about how you were once part of one of the best teams in Albuquerque but couldn't muster enough courage to fight for what you want? What do you think people will say about the weak guy who didn't have enough guts to stand up for himself?"
"Maybe I should be remembered as a screw up who doesn't know how to follow rules and can't keep anyone around her because she's got no feelings? She'll take what she wants and run out the door. She can't commit to anything but will shag the first thing that looks like they know how to screw just to stop feeling empty for a few minutes. Scared a fiancé away because he was nothing more than a sex toy and he finally figured it out?" Marshall's words were laced with venom.
Mary knew he was striking her in the lowest way to get even with her but it still hurt. Deep down, she knew it wasn't what he really thought. She would've doubted that years ago, but not now. She also realized he was now about five steps from reaching her. One more low blow and this would hopefully be over.
"At least I have relationships. What do you do for fun? When's the last time a girl was interested in you?" Mary cringed inside for that remark but it looked like it was going to get him right in front of her which is where she wanted him.
"I'm not like you. I prefer to have meaningful relationships," Marshall stated, standing face to face with Mary and was suddenly confused by the huge smile that plastered her face. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Congratulations, Doofus, you made it across without any help." Mary looked pointedly at the parallel bars and watched the shock register in Marshall's eyes.
"You did that on purpose," Marshall was finally registering what happened and felt ashamed of his behavior. "Mare, I'm …"
She watched the tear streak down his face and casually brushed it away.
"You were hurt, angry and distracted and didn't mean what you said. I know that, Marshall. The whole idea was to get you to stop worrying so much about failure or falling that you'd be motivated to move across. Who better than me to push your buttons?" Her smile radiated across her face. "Care to make it back the other way without insults thrown?"
When he nodded she leaned in kissed his forehead and stood behind him just in case he started to fall.
Ellen had worried about the technique and almost put a stop to it until she saw him take the first step forward, and when he was totally angry he finished the job. She smiled as his partner cheered him on all the way back to her.
"Great job, Marshall."
"Thanks."
"Alright, I think we've worn you out enough. I'll see you in another four days. Keep up the exercises at home." Ellen then looked to Mary. "Unorthodox idea but it managed to work."
"What can I say? I love to push his buttons, Mary teased, and Marshall's hand squeeze hers.
Jesse, Warren, and Lilly all sighed in relief when it was over. They were so excited he managed to get all the way across, but had been worried about the words hurtled back and forth between the two partners until Mary kissed his forehead.
Marshall had a huge smile on his face, and they were all relieved to see it. He could see the relief on their faces and knew he had a lot of apologizing to do for his behavior, which he knew they would all blow off. He wondered sometimes how he managed to get so blessed with the people in his life.
Mary was happy to see the smile, but they still needed to talk about what caused it and how to prevent it from happening if things took longer than Marshall felt they should.
"Marshall and I are going to take a little drive. We'll pick up something for lunch and bring it back, if you don't mind," Mary stated, and she saw her partner tense a little knowing he was in for a talking to.
"Sure, we'll get things set up for when you arrive. Take your time," Warren said, knowing something important needed to be addressed between the two. "Marshall, good job today," He squeezed his shoulder and led Lilly and Jesse out of the building while Mary took Marshall to the SUV.
Once Mary started the car Marshall decided to ask, "Where are we going?"
"My house to talk and then we'll get lunch. Brandi is at school and no one else lives there anymore so we can talk privately. You have some explaining to do," Mary warned.
"I know, and I'm truly sorry for all those things I said back there. I was mad at you and the world at the time."
She noted he wasn't looking at her, just out the window.
"Marshall, look at me. I'm not angry with you. I know you were upset that things weren't moving as fast as you wanted. You would never say those things to me under normal circumstances but I was provoking you. I hope you know I didn't mean anything by what I said either. I just knew that you needed to be pushed." She was glad they were almost to her house because when he looked back at her she could see the tears in his eyes and it broke her heart.
She pulled into her driveway and helped Marshall into the house which was a little tricky without the ramp. The tears were starting to fall from the corners of his eyes and she was starting to really worry.
"Do you want to lie down or sit on the couch?" Mary didn't care where they talked as long as Marshall was okay when they were done.
"Couch," Marshall barely choked out before the sob escaped his throat.
Mary got him onto the couch and pulled him to her as his shoulders began to shake and he finally broke down. She just held on tightly and let him get it out of his system knowing he needed the release.
"I'm here, Marshall," she whispered gently over and over as she ran her fingers soothingly through his hair while he cried himself to sleep. Grabbing her phone she made a call.
"Lilly, it's Mary. I think we may have to wait on bringing lunch. Marshall fell asleep and I don't want to wake him. We haven't had our talk yet, so it might be awhile. Can we change the plans to us bringing dinner?"
"Is he okay?" The concern came through the phone.
"He will be. He just needed a release to all his worries and fears," Mary reassured.
"Take your time with him. We'll be fine."
Mary hung up and kept guard over Marshall. She was just getting comfortable when the door opened and Brandi and Peter came in. They took notice of Marshall lying with his head in Mary's lap and looked surprised.
"Is he okay?" Brandi asked, concerned.
"He's getting there. I know the two of you just got here, but would you mind going to Peter's instead? Marshall and I need to talk and he won't do that with a crowd."
"Not a problem. Let us know if you need anything." Peter gently led Brandi back out the door.
Mary relaxed her head against the back of the couch and listened as they drove away. Eventually her eyes drifted closed and she fell asleep. She felt a movement and startled awake. Noticing the clock she realized it had been two hours. Looking down she watched as Marshall was shifting as he started to wake up. When his eyes finally opened she looked at him and smiled.
"Morning, sleepyhead," she stated, yawning.
Marshall grinned a little at that. "How long have we been asleep?"
"A couple of hours, and don't panic, I told your mom we wouldn't be back until supper. We'll need to figure out what to pick up later."
"Okay."
Mary didn't miss the hesitation in his voice and knew he was leery of the conversation that was coming.
"Marshall, we have to talk about what is happening with you. We are all worried about you."
Marshall tilted his head down, ashamed of his behavior and the way he had lashed out at everyone. He felt Mary gently grab his chin and tilt it back up so she could see him.
"It's complicated. I knew I was doing well in the water therapy and thought it would continue over into the land therapy, but it wasn't getting better and I was worried that I may not be able to get out of the wheelchair, be your partner, or be the same again, and it made me angry."
"Marshall, according to Ellen you were doing remarkably well until last week. The only thing standing in the way of you moving forward was you. While at times I admire all of the knowledge you have, over thinking things was giving you a mental block and getting in the way of your recovery. You needed to stop worrying about everything and just do the therapy. It's why I pushed you today. It was in you the entire time but you were too busy fighting it to see."
"It's easier said than done. This is all I have. The job is everything to me and I know I could survive being forced to work behind a desk, but for me it wouldn't be living. I know I said terrible things and was a royal pain in the ass, but I was just so tired of trying and failing that I snapped at everyone. I didn't mean what I said to you either."
"I know, Marshall. I whipped out some zingers to you that I didn't mean. I knew they would make you angry and spur you on so you'd see what you could do. You have to promise to not bottle all of this inside of you. It's time for you to let others be strong for you. We're all here for you. Don't shut us out, it hurts when you do that."
"Mare, it's not that simple."
"Why not?"
"I don't want to hurt you," Marshall finally admitted.
"You're afraid that because you blame Jinx for this that it would strain our friendship," Mary watched as he nodded in agreement. "Right now that woman is lucky I haven't shot her myself. You have every right in the world to be angry and hate her and I wouldn't hold it against you because I feel the same. You can discuss this with me."
Marshall again nodded and tried to figure out how bad the next statement was going to go over. "I want to see the video and the photos."
"What? Why?" Mary squeaked and couldn't believe she did.
Marshall's eyebrow went up at her voice.
"Because I need to know, Mare. I have this chunk of my life missing because of an accident that I can't recall. It's just something I need to do."
"Marshall, what more than she swerved and slammed into your truck do you need to know. It's quite obvious what she did." Mary never wanted to see that video again. It gave her nightmares.
"They'll show it in court and I don't want to see it that way first," Marshall spoke softly.
Mary could tell by his voice he was serious and grabbed her phone and called Stan.
"Stan, can you bring the copy of the video of the accident to my house?"
"Why?" Stan asked, knowing how they both felt when they saw how hard Marshall was hit.
"Doofus feels the need to see it before court, and it matters to him so don't argue."
"Are you sure that this is a good idea?" Stan couldn't see the merit in it.
"No, but I always say he has the worst ideas." Mary smirked and saw Marshall smile in recollection.
"Fine, I'll be there in a half hour," Stan reluctantly answered before they hung up.
"What else is going on inside, Marshall?" When he looked away from her she let out a frustrated sigh. "We only have a half hour before Stan shows up, start talking."
"Are you going to hate me when this is all over?" He still couldn't look at her, not with the questions that kept circling in his mind.
"Why would I?" Mary asked, completely confused.
"You gave up your fiancé, and your mother will more than likely spend time in jail. This whole thing has ripped your life apart and if I hadn't been the victim none of these things would've happened."
"Look at me," Mary demanded. "There is not one part of me that will ever blame you for this. Raph and I were never meant to be and would've ended up divorced if we did make it to the altar. The only person to blame for this is Jinx and, Marshall, I may get angry with you once in a while but I have never hated you. You are the single most important person in my life. Do you understand that?"
"Family is important, Mary," Marshall reminded.
"Brandi and I will always be family, and sometime in the far future I might actually find it in myself to forgive Jinx. My family isn't tight like yours and honestly, I'm more comfortable around your family than my own. What does that say?"
"My wacky family has gotten to you," Marshall stated seriously. "I'm still scared that I won't get back to one hundred percent. I'm more confident than I was before the therapy today, but it's still in the back of my mind."
"Then let's take it one day at a time. When it starts to overwhelm you then tell us, because we want to help and we don't like it when you're cranky."
"Thanks."
"Anytime partner, anytime," Mary said honestly.
They watched some TV until Marshall began to doze off. The therapy usually made him tired, but adding the emotional baggage seemed to be making it worse. Five minutes after he fell asleep with his head in her lap the doorbell rang. Mary looked out the window to see Stan.
"Come in." She yelled loud enough for him to hear her but hopefully quiet enough to not wake Marshall.
Stan entered and saw Mary on the couch before noticing Marshall asleep.
"Is he alright?"
"Tired emotionally and physically." Mary shrugged, not wanting to expand on it.
"How'd the therapy go?"
"I made him angry and he managed to get across and back the parallel bars on his own."
"That good, what's next?"
"They want him to use a walker, then a cane, and from there walking on his own. The therapist said he was doing well. His problem was more mental than physical."
"Over thinking," Stan smirked. "I'm assuming he was analyzing everything that could go wrong and not focusing on what needed to be done?"
"Pretty much, but I knew I could push his buttons and get him to forget long enough to try and tell me off face to face."
Stan smiled at that and was about to answer.
"Not hard when your partner can be a pain in your ass," Marshall teased as he tried to focus on his surroundings. "Hey Stan, did you bring it?"
"I did, but I need to know that you're fully aware of what this is going to be like." Stan couldn't hide the concern from his inspector.
"I realize that it is going to be less than pleasant, but I don't want to see it for the first time in the courtroom. I'm not a kid and can handle it."
"Fine, but I'm staying while you watch it." Stan was firm in that aspect. If Marshall had to do this they would be here for him. "Mary, if you don't want to see it again then I suggest you leave the room."
Mary didn't want to see it again. It made her nauseous when she saw it, but if Marshall needed to see it then they would all watch it together.
"I'm staying," she said firmly while helping Marshall into a sitting position and reaching out for his hand.
Stan put the tape in and they played the crash. Both Mary and Stan cringed at the impending collision and Mary buried her head into Marshall's shoulder while squeezing his hand tightly. When the tape stopped the room was silent until Marshall leaned in and spoke into Mary's ear.
"I'm still here." He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead as she struggled to remain calm. Marshall looked to Stan. "Thanks for bringing the tape."
Mary's head snapped up. "Thanks? What is with that? Why aren't you angry or screaming or something more emotional?"
"I'm not you. I process and I think it through. I was lucky that night. The truck could have easily flipped and I wouldn't be here at all." Marshall shrugged.
Stan and Mary looked at each other and then back to Marshall. They were both deeply concerned by the lack of reaction as they had reacted to it harshly the first time they saw it.
"Mary, could you please give us a few minutes?" Stan asked, and when Mary was about to argue with him he gave her a look that left her no room to argue with him.
"Five minutes and I'll be back."
"Fifteen and not a second sooner," Stan warned her.
"You do realize that you are in my house, right?"
"Welcome to my world, Mary," Stan said sarcastically as she huffed by.
"Alright, now tell me what you're really thinking. I know full well that you're trying to protect Mary from the way you feel towards her mother," Stan said calmly. "You always put her first. This time it needs to be about what you need first and we are all trying here. Mary understands your anger, Marshall, and she doesn't hold it against you. She has by far been the angriest, and that should be your position at the moment."
"She said the same thing earlier. A week ago I might've agreed with you, but it felt good to make it across and back on the parallel bars today. Yes, I'm angrier than hell at her mother, but Jinx is still Mary's mom and I don't want to ruin any chance of them reconciling in the future by poisoning Mary against her. A part of me is grateful that it wasn't a family that she hit, but either way she managed to make people suffer. She hurt her daughter and my family and yes, that makes me angry, Stan, but right now what I need to focus on is me and getting better."
"Good. Nice job at therapy by the way. Take care and call if you need anything." Stan then yelled out, "See you later, Mary."
Mary returned to the living room as the door closed. "So what was so secretive that he couldn't say it in front of me?"
"Can you come over here?" Marshall patted the seat next to him.
Mary, just to be obstinate, took a seat on the coffee table in front of him.
"What?" Her voice reflected her irritation at being left out of the conversation.
"We need to talk about the accident from your side, Mare."
"What more do you need to know? I'm angry as sin at Jinx for damn near killing you and causing you and your family so much pain." Mary looked at him oddly, knowing they discussed this already.
"What about your family? She hurt all of you and probably scared you too."
Mary wasn't ready to answer his question so she brought up her own.
"Why don't you hate Brandi and me? We enabled her for years instead of forcing her to stay sober or stay out of our lives." Mary asked insecurely, because the idea of him hating her scared her more than anything. She knew he answered this before, but it still bothered her.
"I don't think I could ever hate you, Mare. Get angry with you, yes, but hate, no. You are her daughters and you care whether you like it or not. You saw her hurting you, Brandi, and herself but not the rest of the world." Marshall felt bad when he saw the tears forming in her eyes.
"She's never hurt anyone else before, and I guess I thought she would be okay. She hasn't had anything to drink since rehab. It was the first time in our lives she managed to stay sober. I thought she had finally made a breakthrough, but then she hit you and I could've lost the single most important person in my life. Do you realize how lucky you are to be alive?"
Mary choked on the last phrase and Marshall coaxed her over to him. She straddled his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck and clung for dear life as the pain finally escaped. He held her till the tears stopped and her breathing went back to normal. When she pulled back he swiped the tears from her cheek.
"Do you resent me for being the one she hit?" Marshall figured they might as well get all of the insecurities out of the way.
"Marshall, I could no more hate you or resent you any more than you could me. You were the innocent person in all of this. Yes, it's causing a rift between Brandi, Jinx, and me, but that is because of Jinx's problems, not because of your involvement. She's been doing this to us since we were kids and it needs to stop. Maybe some jail time will set her straight. I don't like the idea of her going there, and yet I know she needs to."
"So let's talk about you and how this affects you. Don't look away from me, Mare, please. We're making some progress here and it all needs to be discussed. I don't want any regrets on either of our parts when this is all over. Stan is right in the fact that if we don't deal with all of this it will fester inside and could do a lot of damage to both of us. I don't want that, and I don't want you to hide your feelings for her, good or bad, from me. I can't tell you that I feel very charitable towards her just yet, but I'm willing to listen to you especially if it helps you." Marshall hoped he didn't scare her away with all of this.
Mary wanted to run out the door but knew it wouldn't be fair to Marshall. It's not like she hadn't been forcing him to deal with his own demons.
"Alright, I'm torn but not torn if that makes sense. She deserves jail time and to pay for what she did to you. That makes me angry and sad. The first thing she said was that it was a fender bender and that she only had some scratches no big deal. I was relieved to hear that, but you could hear her slurring her words and then Stan called and I was trying to figure out why he had gotten a call that night. When I put it all together, I felt nothing but spite and hate for her. She's my mother, and most of the time I'm either fighting with her or angry with her, but until that night I've never hated her. I know things were hard for her and her way of coping was the bottle. It's probably why my dad meant more to me than she ever did. He may be a criminal, but it wasn't anything that hurt us at least not until he left." Mary began to pick at Marshall's t-shirt before continuing. "The hatred kept building up after the night she hit you. When the lawyer showed up and they had the nerve to be looking to put at least part of the blame on you..." Mary shrugged not needing to say more on that.
She looked into his face and could see him struggling with the anger provoked by that information. She watched him swallow hard, and then he said nothing so she took it as her cue to continue.
"Raph, of course, was trying to help her and couldn't understand why I took your side. It was the final straw when he said we were just partners. He doesn't understand me, and Jinx was acting like we betrayed her. Marshall, I can't begin to tell you how many times she's betrayed me or blamed me for the outcome of her life. That hurts more than I can ever tell her, but I try to remember it's her way of coping with her problems. I'm tired of making excuses and justifications for her. I won't clean up her messes any more, and I should have never started. The bitter truth is that a part of me is glad that she is being charged with a felony because maybe, just maybe, it will wake her up to what she has become and how it has impacted so many others. I don't want her to have a long sentence, but I want her to learn that she has to change or there won't be anyone left standing in her corner. That scares me too. But none of that scares me as much as it did when you almost died. I couldn't take losing you. The rest of the world could disappear, but not you. I need you and I always will."
The tears continued to stream down her face while Marshall pulled her closer.
"Is that why you broke up with Raph?" Marshall asked.
"I understand his loyalty to family because he has a close one. He'll never understand why you're more like family to me than Jinx is, or was. Not really sure on that part yet. Sometimes I don't think he understands that blood or marital status doesn't mean they are the only people who can be family. I don't think he gets me the way I need him to, and it shouldn't be so difficult to make things work."
"This is truly what you want, and not just because of his reaction to all of this?" Marshall asked, not wanting her to ruin her chance at happiness because of him. He loved her enough to let her be with the person she chose to love, even if it wasn't him.
"Yes, Yoda. This is truly what I want. We were never right for each other, and he is a person that is good and decent and deserves to find happiness with someone that wants the same things as him. That someone is definitely not me and I have a feeling he knows it as well. Sometimes it's just harder to admit it to yourself."
Marshall smiled at the Yoda part. "I told you that you would like the Star Wars saga."
Mary chuckled at that, but punched him in the arm just the same. "Dork."
