Mock Effect 2

Chapter 10: Eclipse of the Zipper

INT: NORMANDY ENGINEERING DECK: DAY

(JANE SHEPARD looks through the windows down at the engineering deck, where there are no signs of life, save for SCOTTY & GABBY's quiet bickering in the background. Having given orders to JOKER to set a course for Illium, she has snuck away to the Engineering deck in order to get a moment's peace. She is surprised by JACK [who thanks to some very convenient DLC is now wearing a motorcycle jacket and Geordi Laforge's visor])

JANE: What are you doing with that visor?

JACK: I got it from a friend.

JANE: It looks suspiciously familiar.

JACK: Relax, that Star Trek timeline doesn't start for another 200 years.

JANE: But looking at your head is very confusing. From behind I think Picard, and then you turn around and I think Geordi. It takes some time before I remember your name is Jack.

JACK: (Mischievously) You know, Jack can be short for James...

JANE: AUGH! Not you too! What is it with this ship? Is there a cult to drive me crazy?

JACK: Funny you should mention cults, that's where I got this neat haircut!

JANE: You don't have any hair.

JACK: Exactly.

JANE: I'm going to go talk to Grunt. He's got to make more sense than you do.

(Casting a confused look over her shoulder at biotic, JANE enters the Port Supply section, which has been converted into living quarters for Grunt. [No one wanted the job of asking him to move] In the center of the room, GRUNT is posed in the classic "Thinker" position)

GRUNT: Come in, Shepard, I was just pondering our finite existence

JANE: You were what?

GRUNT: Thinking of ways to kill you.

JANE: What a coincidence! Me too. Any breakthroughs?

GRUNT: I know the easiest way to blow up the ship. But I don't care about it. It's just pictures in my head.

JANE: Well, that's a relief.

GRUNT: And then there's the inferiority complex. I think I'll go back to the ripping a turian's head open memory. That always cheers me up.

JANE: Uh-huh. Well, I'll be on the bridge (Mutters) trying to jump off…

GRUNT: Ha –Ha! His eyes are popping out… hehehe…

INT: NORMANDY COMMAND DECK: DAY

(JANE walks up behind JOKER, out the viewport they can see a busy alien city)

JOKER: Nos Astra Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

JANE: I thought that was Mos Eisley.

JOKER: Did Mos Eisely have blue alien women who never grasped the concept of modesty?

JOHN: Nah. I would remember it if it did. All I remember is some guy named Greedo shooting first. Or was it second… Either way he died.

(Having satisfied the obligatory Star Wars allusion for this chapter, JANE and JOHN disembark, taking along MORDIN and GARRUS)

EXT: ILLIUM: TRADING FLOOR: DAY

JOHN: Why'd you have to bring Garrus?

JANE: Because otherwise it was Jacob's turn.

JOHN: Oh, ok.

JANE: So who do you want to go after? The Justicar or the Assassin?

JOHN: Oooh, the Assassin sounds cool.

JANE: Justicar it is then.

JOHN: You do that just to annoy me, don't you?

(They are interrupted by an Asari wearing a dress held up by her bellybutton, guarded by robots)

ASARI: Hello, I'm here to greet you. You'll be as safe here as on the Citadel.

JANE: You mean that place that was attacked by huge robots from outer space a few years ago?

ASARI: Er… ok, not so safe. That's why I have robots with me. Also, I never sign anything.

JANE: That must make getting your paychecks interesting.

(JOHN's efforts to put a single in her dress are foiled by a kick from JANE's boot)

JANE: Do you happen to know where I might find a Justicar?

ASARI: Nope, but I know who can tell you. Liara T'Soni. She's got an office over there. She said to stop by anyway, since she paid your docking fees.

JANE: Liara the archaeologist? Knows where I can find the Justicar? Oooo k.

(Each of them making a character appropriate comment at the balcony, they proceed to LIARA's upstairs office. Looking confused, they are motioned forward into Liara's office by a purple asari who is furiously texting and looks rather bored)

LIARA: (Into video screen) Have you ever faced an Asari commando unit before?

VIDEO-SCREEN-GUY: Oh come on, babe, I'm sorry about the carpet burn! What was I supposed to do, throw it out? My grandma gave it to me!

LIARA: Goodbye, Governor Karpyshn. Shepard! You're back!

JOHN & JANE: Which one of us?

(LIARA doesn't answer them, instead enfolding them in an awkward group hug. They both remain very still until she backs off.)

MORDIN: Asari at dock said you would tell us where to find subjects.

GARRUS: I thought she was an archaeologist?

LIARA: Well… I was. But after you died, the writers were kind of clueless what to do with my character. It's hard to write canon for a character that may or may not be a love interest for the main character whose gender is undetermined.

JANE: Then how did you get here?

LIARA: For that story, you'll have to pick up "Mass Effect: Redemption" a graphic novel available at all good bookshops.

JOHN: Why would I read a novel when I can hold you up against a wall and threaten you?

JANE: John, she said it was a graphic novel, which is a grown-up gentrified version of a comic book

JOHN: Oooh, I like comic books.

(Throughout the conversation, LIARA can't stay still, wincing every time she sits down)

JANE: Is something wrong?

LIARA: Er… the information I obtained last night came at a price.

JANE: The price of carpet burn? Because if you'd sit still for 5 seconds we might be able to understand this nonsensical storyline.

LIARA: I'm afraid that's impossible. Suffice it to say that instead of an inexperienced archaeologist, I'm now a revenge-driven power monger.

JANE: Wow. That's … different.

LIARA: You could help if you want to. I need someone other than my completely trustworthy assistant to go hack a bunch of computers and tell me who's spying on me.

JANE: We'll pass. Intro lady said you'd know where the Justicar & Assassin were?

LIARA: Oh somewhere around here. You should probably talk to their parole officers.

JANE: Parole Officers? Perfect…

LIARA: Yeah… they are somewhere around here… around the corner, behind the tower on the left. Or was that right? Anyhow, over there.

JANE: What did you say your new job was again?

LIARA: Information Broker.

JANE: Right. Great.

(After an awkward silence while LIARA stands up and sits down five more times, the team nods a friendly goodbye, and get out of there as fast as they can. They walk down a long hallway, which is plastered with ads for a "Blasto the Hanar Spectre" vid.)

JOHN: This looks very interesting.

JANE: This looks like something you and Wrex would cook up. Lame action lines and everything. I wouldn't go see it. Am I right, guys?

MORDIN: What are these "Vids"? I haven't been out of the lab much these last few years.

GARRUS: Actually, now that I'm badass, I think it's a job requirement.

JOHN: There's the spirit! "ENKINDLE THIS!"

JANE: Idiots.

(They find themselves in a large shopping area shaped like a horseshoe with balconies at each end. JANE spies an asari all by herself in the corner and goes over to ask for directions to the parole office. The ASARI is grimacing and is avoiding the gaze of a Krogan standing nearby.)

JANE: Excuse me, could you tell me where to find the local parole office?

ASARI: Do I look like a map, lady?

JANE: Whoa, sorry, no offense meant…

ASARI: I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped. I'm having romantic troubles and it's been a rough day.

JOHN: And this is our problem how?

ASARI: Well if you want to get a discount, you're going to have to help me solve it.

GARRUS: What's that krogan staring at you for?

MORDIN: Probably sexual inadequacy. Hence popularity of this planet. Fantasies of entire planet of attractive loose women have existed in science fiction since Galileo's little known work "Planet of the Hot Babes."

JANE: Wait, Galileo was human, how would you know that?

MORDIN: Salarian versions too. However, shorter life spans encourage less timidity about obscenity in titles. Settled for human equivalent.

ASARI: A-hem. If you could perhaps help me with my problem?

JOHN: Well, he's standing near a balcony. One upsy-daisy and all your problems are over.

ASARI: No! I love him... but we're on a break.

JANE: (Sigh) and why is that?

ASARI: Wait for it.

(The KROGAN straightens up and starts reciting awful poetry with hideous metaphors and very few rhymes)

ENTIRE TEAM: Ohhhhhh!

JOHN: Again. One upsy-daisy… Problems over. Just saying.

JANE: Have you considered earplugs?

MORDIN: Sexual drive causing this. Perhaps sexual satisfaction ends poetic cycle?

GARRUS: You could write hideous poetry back and see how he likes it.

(They all look at GARRUS disgustedly)

GARRUS: Hey, I'm new to this badass stuff. No poetry then?

JANE: Didn't you ever read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? "On no account should you allow a vogon to read poetry at you!"

GARRUS: But he's not a vogon.

JANE: With that poetry, he should be.

JOHN: Lady, we don't care. If you guys hurry up and have kids, he can recite them the poems, not you.

ASARI: Thanks! You've solved my problem. Here's your discount!

JOHN: I did? Damn. What do I get with this discount? FISH? Again?

(After getting nowhere with the Asari, JANE starts walking to what looks like a cubicle on the other side. If there's any place to find a bureaucratic official that would be it. On their way over they are interrupted by another Asari who seems to recognize them. This one is green)

GREEN ASARI: Shepard!

JOHN & JANE: Yes?

JOHN: It was my turn!

JANE: I'm in charge.

JOHN: I hate you.

JANE: Fine, you can handle this one. Just let the green lady talk.

GREEN ASARI: Don't you remember me, Shepard? From Feros? Shiala?

JOHN: I don't remember a lot of what went on at Feros. Thanks to someone (Glares at JANE).

SHIALA: I was the Asari who attacked you at every turn of the Thorian tunnel, and whom Jane talked you into letting go at the end of the mission?

JOHN: Oh, right…. Weren't you blue?

SHIALA: Er… yes, but I and the rest of the survivors have had weird medical problems since the Thorian was killed. I turned green. That shopkeeper guy from deep space nine starting singing showtunes backwards. And a few other people can still share one another's sensations. Makes Valentine's day very awkward.

JOHN: And this is my problem how?

SHIALA: We hired a surveying team to run some body scans. Turns out when you hire mapmakers to do a doctor's job, they turn into control freaks. They think they can do whatever they want to us. I was hoping you could talk that grumpy asari over by the balcony into letting us off the hook.

JANE: Yep, Feros is still Feros. The Morons are still in control.

JOHN: I thought you said they'd lynch her!

JANE: I lied. You cheered up and stopped being a jerk for twenty minutes. Everybody was happy.

SHIALA: Can you help us?

JOHN: I can do whatever I want?

JANE: Just don't kill her. I'm going to go over here and talk to the nice parole officer.

(JANE goes around the corner and approaches Tracking Officer DARA, whilst JOHN walks up to the grumpy asari and starts a conversation)

JANE: Good afternoon, I'm looking for a Justicar named (Looks at list) Samara?

DARA: Oh my God, has she killed somebody already?

JANE: No… I wanted to hire her for a mission. Should I be concerned?

DARA: Yes. No. I don't know. Well, she's a Justicar.

JANE: Yes I know. That's why I want to hire her. What does a Justicar do?

DARA: They are the embodiment of the Asari's highest laws. They follow the code.

JANE: What code?

DARA: You know…THE code… they just do.

JANE: Which has them do what exactly?

DARA: Go around shooting people who disobey the law. But usually they only deal with Asari. Which could be a problem…

JANE: How so?

DARA: Well, different species have different morals. She runs someone she doesn't understand doing something she can't allow, and you have interstellar war on your hands.

JANE: Like what?

DARA: Like that.

(DARA points beyond JANE, where JOHN is dangling the grumpy asari over the balcony by her feet)

JANE: I leave him alone for one minute! I gotta go. Where can I find Samara?

DARA: I don't know, ask a taxi driver!

(JANE rushes over to JOHN, who is just hauling the dizzy asari back over the side. She quickly signs a paper, and runs away as fast her legs can carry her.)

JANE: What the hell do you think you're doing?

JOHN: Negotiating. She wouldn't come up with a decent deal, so I offered to let her down easy.

GARRUS: The part about the busy traffic underneath was especially encouraging.

MORDIN: Subject eager to cooperate. Mission accomplished.

(SHIALA comes running up and thanks them for their help. She is especially grateful to JOHN, whispering something in his ear that makes him smirk.)

JANE: That's enough of that now.

SHIALA: Bye! Thanks again!

JOHN: Heheheh… Bye! Guess what she said!

JANE: I don't want to know. Now don't dangle anyone off the ledge while I get us a cab!

(JANE walks over to the cab machine, which strangely enough has only one option entitled "Justicar Alley" She selects it and a cab appears)

EXT: ILLIUM: JUSTICAR ALLEY: DARK AND STORMY NIGHT

(The cab pulls to a stop in what appears to be the seedy part of seedyville. As they exit the cab, they see a sign for "Police Station." They enter, and JANE & MORDIN have a seat at a desk marked DETECTIVE ANAYA, while JOHN & GARRUS investigate the vending machine)

DETECTIVE ANAYA: What can I do to help you? If it involves bribes, see that guy on the Citadel.

JANE: No, nothing like that. I'm just trying to find a Justicar. You wouldn't happen to know what one is, would you?

DET. ANAYA: Er… They're sort of like warrior monks. They follow a strict code. None of us knows what it is, but given the fact that you get killed if you break it, we all stick to it whenever we're around them.

JANE: They can kill indiscriminately for no reason? Other than this code thing?

DET. ANAYA: Well, they kill anyone they see breaking the law around them. (Looks pointedly at JOHN with his arm halfway in the vending machine) And they usually have some sort of lifelong mission, but they will stop and help any good cause that asks.

MORDIN: Detours might explain why mission "lifelong".

DET. ANAYA: Out of complete curiosity, why do you want to find her?

(They continue ignoring the drama in the corner, wherein JOHN and now GARRUS have both got their arms stuck in the vending machine)

JANE: I need to hire her for a job. Need to go save the universe. Again.

DET. ANAYA: (Huge sigh of relief) Oh thank God! My idiotic bosses have ordered me to arrest her so she doesn't kill anyone important around here. We've never had to deal with Justicars this far out, no one's been following any rules, and if she gets anywhere near the trading floor, there's going to be hell to pay.

JANE: But you don't want to.

DET. ANAYA: No way. I haven't survived this long in this neighborhood by being ambitious.

JANE: It's a suicidal order. You should refuse. What can they do that's worse?

DET. ANAYA: It's rumored they're looking for another envoy to the quarian fleet. The last one put herself out the airlock. They say her last words were "Ahhh peace and quiet at last!"

JANE: Oh… that is serious. So where can I find Samara?

DET. ANAYA: Somewhere back of the police line. Some corrupt volus got himself killed the other night and she wanted to go back there.

JANE: And you said yes?

DET. ANAYA: Do I look ambitious? When the Justicar is around, you do what the Justicar says. Then you get to stay around too.

(JANE gets up and goes to the vending machine where JOHN and GARRUS look up guiltily. She puts a hand on each of their heads and slams them together. The shock and change of position is enough to loosen their arms from the vending machine, but only JOHN is able to hold on to his candy bar)

INT: ILLIUM: JUSTICAR ALLEY: BLUSTERY DAY

(As JANE, JOHN, GARRUS, and MORDIN approach the door to where they are supposed to find SAMARA, they hear a smashing sound. They open the door, only to see a body whiz biotically by. Following it flying biotically is an older Asari who is wearing a skin tight red leather jumpsuit with a high collar. To JOHN's delight, this collar is detached and the jumpsuit is zipped down to the Asari's mid abdomen, showing off the majority of … well, you get the idea.)

JANE: That's a Warrior MONK?

MORDIN: It would appear that zipper is made of titanium to withstand such stress.

GARRUS: I need to do some calibrations.

JOHN: Habbabda habbada huh?

SAMARA: (To victim) Tell me the name of the ship!

VICTIM: The S.S. I Am Entirely Too Loyal For My Own Good!

SAMARA: Wrong answer.

(Politely as possible, SAMARA smashes the VICTIM's head in. JOHN is drooling open mouthed now, and twisting his head at an odd angle for a better view of … the body. SAMARA wipes her hands and steps over to the NORMANDY team)

SAMARA: I see a heavily armed team of soldiers in front of me. Behind me you will note the remains of the last heavily armed team of soldiers I encountered. Are we going to have a problem?

JANE: Nope. I don't think so, but I would like to point out that it's not nice to kill prisoners like that. It's not important. Just thought I'd bring it up.

SAMARA: Oh that's nice dear. I appreciate that you care. What's wrong with your fellow over here? He looks like he's about to have a seizure.

JANE: Oh, no! Er… I mean, he's one of my crew. My brother actually. Don't let him worry you. He's got a mental condition. We call it Tourrette's Syndrome. Uh… it makes him say really stupid things and like …

JOHN: Are those real?

JANE: Well, like that. You just ignore anything he says or does, because chances are he doesn't know he's doing it.

JOHN: I what? Listen you sneaky little skank, you stole my command out from under me, you put me on janitor duty, and you were probably the one who told Jack I had a tiny … (notices JANE's rapid throat cutting gesture and trails off) … Did I say something again?

JANE: Why of course not, Johnny. You just be a good boy and go out and wait for us in hall, OK?

JOHN: OK, sis! (JOHN mouths something nasty as he walks away).

JANE: It's quite sad, really. One time I only barely stopped him from killing an entire village in one of his episodes.

MORDIN: (Nudged by JANE for corroboration) Mentally disturbed. No cure.

GARRUS: But a great guy when he's not hanging people off ledges!

SAMARA: That's nice dear. Now what did you want to see me about?

JANE: I don't know if you'd be interested, but I have an impossible cause, and I need warrior monks like you to help me pull it off… Err. I mean put it together… I mean… do it.

SAMARA: Oh my, I love impossible causes! Almost as much as I love making apple pies and embroidery sets! But I simply can't go until you find the name of the ship my fugitive left on. Of course, I can't tell you who or what the fugitive is, but I'm sure you'll figure it out.

DET. ANAYA: I wish you'd have gone with them, Ma'am. I'm going to have to arrest you. With these lightweight handcuffs. Which I'm bringing over extremely slowly. Did I mention I have a glass jaw? One tiny punch and I'm out like a light.

SAMARA: Those will not be necessary. I'll come with you. We can chat while Shepard here does all the work. You will help, won't you dear?

(Before JANE has a chance to reply, SAMARA walks away with DET. ANAYA. Frustrated, JANE follows them out. Before she gets very far, she sees a sign that says: "Eclipse Hideout: No non-murderers allowed!" A few shiny buttons pressed in the right order, and it opens and allows them entry. They ride an elevator down.)

JOHN: Tourette's Syndrome? Do I look like a retard to you?

JANE: What you look like is beside the point. If I didn't give her a reason to ignore you and quick, you were going to get us all killed! Besides it's a good cover. If you stay out of her way, then whatever idiotic things you do around her can be blamed on your insufficient brain.

JOHN: My brain is not Insuffoshyont!

JANE: Whatever. Go kill those robots!

(JOHN storms out and smashes through some rather poor defenses. However, halfway through it becomes apparent that in addition to being terrible shots, these Eclipse mercenaries also have very little survival sense, and left containers of toxic gas sitting everywhere. A few well placed shots, and the team is most of the way through the Eclipse base. After picking up a few modded shotguns, they hear a whimpering in a side room)

JANE: Is anyone there?

(The whimpering stops and a scared looking Asari pops out, stuttering excuses)

ASARI: I didn't shoot at you, I swear. I was just… admiring the scenery down here, and someone shoved a gun in my hand and said I had to shoot at you. But I didn't. I shot at those pretty red boxes you were hiding behind!

JOHN: You were down here admiring the scenery?

ASARI: Yep… that was it. (Pretends to flirt with JOHN) And boy is it getting better all the time.

JANE: So you were admiring the scenery, and only shooting the pretty red boxes full of poison?

ASARI: (Eagerly) Yep. Uh huh. That's all!

JOHN: Can we shoot her?

ASARI: BLEEP That!

(She unslings her gun and shoots JOHN in the chest. John's shield absorbs all of it and suddenly she is facing four heavily armed soldiers. She drops her gun faster than JANE can say "That")

JANE: That was stupid.

ASARI: (Friendly grin) Just testing. Yep, your shields are definitely working. Well, I'll be on my way now. Look out for those pretty red boxes!

JOHN: Let me shoot her!

JANE: Nah. I want to see what she does in Mass Effect 3.

MORDIN: She had better obtain better armaments if she wishes to be included.

(Moving past more "pretty red boxes" and a few stubborn mercenaries who were too high to hide in the closet, they eventually make their way to the final hallway, wherein stands a rather strange looking Volus who smells like he has had far too many beans for comfort.)

VOLUS: Fear me! For I am a Biotic God!

GARRUS: You're a what?

(The VOLUS bends over and farts with a great amount of effort, creating a smelly biotic push that stirs their hair gently)

VOLUS: A Biotic God! I think things and they happen. I am all powerful! (Fart)

JANE: Well, you're certainly a Biotic wind, but we've got this under control.

VOLUS: No! I will toss them about with a tempest! (Fart)

JOHN: Hey what's that over there?

(The VOLUS turns to look, but JOHN knocks him on the head with his rifle and he lays on the floor unconscious. They proceed to the Boss Chamber)

BOSS: Oh come on! First a Space Vampire, then a Justicar, then that Smelly Biotic God, and now a bunch of humans? Does no one read the "Murderers Only" sign?

JOHN: If it's any consolation, I'm a great murderer!

BOSS: (Throwing a Pretty Red Box of poison at him) It's not.

(Several minutes later, they emerge from the cover, successful but stoned out of their minds.)

JOHN: Wow. I loved that battle. It was so, so… I don't know. So I Don't KNOW!

GARRUS: Are any of you hungry? I'm hungry. I'm so hungry I could eat a whole pile of donuts. They never gave us decent donuts at C-sec….

JANE: Dude, I'm high, and you're still boring me. Shut up already.

(MORDIN has dozed off on his feet and falls over onto the desk, drooling on a tablet that is sitting on top of a huge pile. He wakes up slightly)

MORDIN: Hey… uh… Guys! This … HA HA HA (He goes into a laughing fit and then falls asleep on the desk again)

JANE: This … this yellow thing. It has important stuff on it. We should take it back… yeah. Take it back to the Busty-car! Hahehehah

JOHN: Busty-car! Priceless! Heheheheh!

GARRUS: They never let the Women at C-Sec wear those uniforms. If they had, I wouldn't have minded it so much.

JANE: Put a sock in it Garrus!

(They walk the long trek back to the police station. Being wasted, it takes longer with all the wrong turns, and by the time they get back its morning and they are all fairly sober, except MORDIN, who is draped over JOHN's back)

JANE: Samara, oh Samara!

SAMARA: Do you have the name of the ship?

JANE: Nope. John does.

JOHN: No. Garrus does.

GARRUS: They never gave us decent tablets at C-sec. Not like this one with some ship's name on it.

(OK, so maybe they aren't completely sober… )

SAMARA: Oh goody. Well I'm so happy that you got this for me that I'll go on your little mission to save the world. Who did you say it was for?

JANE: Interstellar Terrorists. Or was that Freedom Fighters… I forget.

SAMARA: Oh, how nice. Well I promised to come help, so I will. But first I must swear an oath to you so I won't kill you at your first infraction, which judging by your bloodshot eyes, might be very soon.

JOHN: Cool. Is that vending machine still over there?

(SAMARA gets on her knees and ghostly biotic light surrounds her as she says the solemn words)

SAMARA: By the Code, I will serve you, Shepard. I vow to leap from life to life, righting what once was wrong. Your choices will be my choices, your morals my morals. Except for the morals I don't like. Those I can kill you for when we get done. Alrighty then.

JANE: That vow… it sounds familiar. You don't know anyone named 'Al' do you?

SAMARA: Al? Why, whoever do you mean?

JANE: Short guy, invisible to anyone but you, smokes a cigar constantly?

SAMARA: The strange fantasies these humans have… No, dear, I haven't seen him. Now where would you like me to stay?

JANE: Where do you want to stay?

SAMARA: A room with a view would be nice.

JANE: Absolutely. Just move into the port side viewing room.

JOHN: HEY! That's my room!

JANE: Not anymore. Put your stuff into the life support area.

JOHN: I hate you.

SAMARA: Thank you Commander Shepard. I'm looking forward to serving with an honorable company of heroes.

(JANE holds her face solemnly still until SAMARA is out of earshot, and then breaks down laughing)