Definition of Psychosis: A severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.
Wednesday, January 10th
Dean Winchester was not gay. Just a fact. When Castiel showed up on his doorstep Wednesday night, Dean let him in without question, but he also kissed his cheek and ruffled his hair. Cas smiled at Dean, and it was one of his rare genuine smiles, too. Dean's stomach did not do a flip flop. When they walked up the stairs together and Cas laid down on Dean's bed like it was his own, Dean did not feel a little twinge of possessiveness. When the seventeen year old helped his best friend undress, he saw that he was really dirty.
"Cas," sighed Dean. "Were you sleeping outside again?"
Castiel had been on his stomach with his face stuffed in Dean's pillows, and now he turned over onto his back and sat up.
"Yeah... my mom and I were fighting again."
"Again?"
Cas looked away. "Yeah. We've been fighting for awhile now."
"And when were you gonna tell me this?"
"Dean-"
"No, you know what? It's alright, Cas. Just... forget it."
Of course it wasn't alright! Castiel was his boyfriend and he acted as if he could trust no one. He was glad Cas was writing a whole thing about what it was like to be him, and that Dean would be able to read it when it was done. Castiel had started that notebook in late December and now it was mid January, so it shouldn't be too long until it was finished.
"You should take a bath." Said Dean, extending his hand to help Cas up.
Castiel took it gladly, and when their bodies were flush against one another upon his rise, he kissed Dean softly. When he pulled back he said something like 'would you like to join me?', his warm breath ghosting over the older boy's lips.
Dean Winchester was gay, but only for Castiel.
Thursday, January 11th
On Thursday afternoon, Rachel Milton hurriedly dialed the number and waited for someone to pick up, tapping her foot eagerly. A female voice answered 'hello?' on the third ring.
"Hey, Mary... this is Rachel."
"Rachel? Uh, what's up?"
"I have some great news!"
"What is it?"
Rachel took a deep breath and then released it slowly. " says that Castiel's results came in and I'm going over there in about..." she checked her watch, then continued. "Twenty minutes."
"Oh! That's great! I'll tell Cas."
Rachel smiled to herself. "You go ahead and do that, Mary. It was nice talking to you."
"Yeah... you too, Rachel. Drive safely."
"Will do."
When Mary Winchester hung up the phone, she headed for Dean's bedroom, too distracted with the good news to bother knocking. Upon entering, she was caught completely off guard when she saw her son on top of his best friend on the bedroom floor, making out rather aggressively and practically dry humping him. She thought about just closing the door and leaving the two alone when Castiel met her gaze from under Dean, eyes wide with shock and fear. He all but shoved Dean off of him and sat bolt up right on the carpet, lips red and kiss swollen. Dean turned around, expecting it to be Sam or his bitch of a girlfriend Ruby, but when he saw that it was his mother his face turned tomato red and he scrambled to his feet.
"M-mom."
Mary bit her lip to hide a smile. For the longest time she thought she saw something between the two, especially from the way Cas would look at Dean, like he was the only person on the planet. But she figured she was mistaken when both boys started dating girls, that is until Castiel dropped all interest in the opposite gender and just stayed single. She knew that Dean hung around with a different girl every so often, so her final conclusion had been that Castiel was gay and her son was not, but now she stood corrected.
"Boys, I have some good news. Why don't you come downstairs for some brie and crackers with me."
Dean looked back at his lover on the floor. Well, at least they'd both been fully clothed when Mary intruded on them. He helped Cas to his feet, and they exchanged glances and then looked over to the women standing in the doorway of Dean's bedroom. When Mary simply smiled, Dean felt a wave of relief wash over him, and by the way Castiel's hand loosened in his as the two men just stood there, he knew that Cas was relived as well.
"Yeah, mom. Sounds good."
When they went downstairs with Mary and sat at the kitchen table eating brie and crackers, no one brought up what had happened. Instead, Mary told them about Rachel going to see Dr. Bradbury about the results today. Cas and Dean were seated at one end of the table and Mary at the other, and Dean rested his hand on his boyfriend's thigh to comfort him once the news was delivered. He knew that Castiel would be anxious to discover what had really been wrong with him all these years, and he didn't want the adrenaline to send him over the edge, particularly not with his mother right there. Of course she knew all about the shit Cas had lived with for years, but nonetheless it wasn't something either teenager would want her to witness first hand.
"So..." said Dean to break the awkward silence that followed, "I guess today's the day we get our answers, huh, buddy?" He then bumped his boyfriend with his shoulder playfully. Cas' lips twitched up in what passed as a smile if you squinted just so, and he whispered, "Thank you, Dean."
Mary watched them with fondness, and Dean rolled his green eyes.
"Cas, could you excuse us for just a minute?" Asked Dean as Castiel cut a slice of brie from the wheel with a butter knife, then spread it on his cracker and plopped the whole thing in his mouth.
"What for?" He wondered once he'd finished chewing and swallowing. Then, "Oh, that cheese is quite textured."
Dean chuckled and patted his friend's shoulder once. "Cause I gotta talk to my mom for a sec, okay?"
Castiel nodded and scooted out of the breakfast nook and then left the kitchen. In his absence, Mary spoke up.
"Dean, sweetie... you don't need to worry. I love you no matter who you love."
Dean nodded, grateful that his mother would be so understanding. "Yeah, I know. But... could you, um..." he trailed off, not wanting to sound like a closet homo, which he was not. In fact, he wasn't even sure he was a homo at all, because he'd never looked twice at a man before Castiel had seduced him back at that motel somewhere out of town.
"I won't tell John."
Dean had been fidgeting with his hands in his lap, unable to meet his mother's gaze. Now he did, and his mouth opened and closed but nothing came out. This elicited a laugh from the women, and she took a sip of her tea with a lasting smile.
"Mom... thank you."
"No problem honeybunch. I know you'll tell your father when you're ready to, but it's not my place to judge or to get involved. This is between you and your boyfriend."
Dean blushed furiously at her blunt choice of words.
"I... I'll go tell Cas that he can come back, now." He then hurried out of the kitchen, trying to get his thumping heart under control. He found his friend in the living room reading one of the Winchesters' many books.
"You can come back if you wanna." Said the older boy, taking a seat beside him on the leather sofa.
Cas was narrowing his eyes at the words on the pages. He didn't seem to notice Dean.
"Cas?"
Now the blue-eyed boy looked up and without prior notice he kissed Dean, and abruptly pulled away after a moment. Dean was puzzled at his friend's odd behavior, but said nothing, because Castiel was always odd.
"Wacha' reading?" He said instead.
"I'm not reading." This was true. Though the sixteen year old often tried to read, the words never made sense and he always saw them as other words. His brain was in a constant state of Scramble, and that's part of the reason why he didn't bother to keep up with school. The teachers never understood when he said that he needed extra attention in math class or anything that involved reading and writing. Since he'd been neglected a doctor for so many years, he didn't have anything to go by when he begged for the teachers to help him. They probably thought he was just stupid, but the truth was that reality was too far away for him to reach, and he needed help getting there. He could see what was going on in the world that everyone else lived in, but he could never be apart of it, and he wouldn't even know where to begin because all his life he was in Cassie Land.
"What do you mean?" Asked Dean, his face scrunched up in concern.
"Dean... I really can't read the way you can. I'll explain it all in my notebook, okay?"
"...Okay..."
I get carried away, carried away from you-when I'm open and afraid
Cause I'm sorry, sorry about that
Sorry about things that I've said
Always let it get to my head
Castiel played the music loudly on his laptop as he sat on Dean's bed, biting his nails down to the quick as he thought about the results. Soon Rachel would be done at Dr. Bradbury's office and he'd finally know what was wrong with him. Dean was doing homework behind him on the big bed, and he was looking quite exasperated with Castiel's choice of music.
"Dude, what the hell is this? It sounds 80's or something."
"It's not."
Conversation lapsed after that, Dean engrossed in his work and Cas engrossed in making paper boats while listening to his weird music. When the playlist got to Only For You by Heartless Bastards, Dean smiled to himself and set down his pencil in his notebook and closed it, then crawled along the bed wrapped his arms around Cas from behind him, resting his chin on his lover's shoulder.
"You wanna try again?" He whispered in Castiel's ear, then kissed the shell of it tenderly.
Cas shivered and set down the paper boat he'd just made in a pile of other paper boats on the floor beside the bed. "Yeah... let's do it."
"Do what?" Dean had to ask, just to make sure he stayed on the same page as Cas.
"Let's... try to go all the way."
Now Dean pulled back ,sitting on his knees atop the patterned blankets. "Cas, I don't know..."
"Dean, I'm not four years old. I can take care of myself."
"Yeah, but-"
"But what? Dean... not everything is your responsibility."
Dean's face contorted with anger, but before he could object Castiel put his hands on his chest and pushed him down onto the bed and began kissing him. Dean deepened the kiss by tilting his head just so, licking his way into the younger boy's mouth. After a moment Cas pulled away and said, "Do you have the protection we need?"
Dean nodded and his mouth moved on it's own, sucking on Castiel's bottom lip eagerly. Cas had been getting better at blowjobs and handjobs, so maybe he was more comfortable with that, but Dean was not sure that he was ready for all this just yet. Regardless, he went along with it, his fingers tangling in dark messy hair. In between kisses he rasped, "You can stop anytime you want to. Just say the word."
Cas pulled back. "What word?" He asked with a tilt of his head.
Dean rolled his eyes and chuckled, kissed him quickly and then responded, "Well, let's have a safe word, alright?"
"Okay."
"Mine'll be Kelly."
"Kelly?"
"Yeah, like Kelly Clarkson."
Cas smacked the side of his head, and Dean yelped "Ouch!"
Cas smiled timidly and kissed him deeply to make up for it. "Wait, why do you need a safe word?" Wondered Cas after a moment.
"I don't know! Just tell me your's so we can get on with this."
"Hmm..." Said Castiel as he straddled Dean's hips with his knees on either side of him. "Mine will be The Arcade Fire."
"That's too long!" Whined Dean.
"Okay, okay. What's got your panties in a bunch?"
"I want to be inside of you." Said Dean as he stroked his tongue up Castiel's neck, receiving a moan. Dean was rock hard in an instant. Man, the things Cas could do to him.
"Oh... okay." Said Castiel, his voice low with arousal. "Then... my safe word is Paramore."
Dean nodded and kissed him, then flipped them over so that he was on top of Cas. "I'm topping." He said by way of explanation.
Cas rolled his eyes but did not object. As they made out, Dean ran his hands up under Castiel's multicolored shirt and scrapped his nails along the younger boy's torso, and Cas bucked up into his touch. Already Dean had him panting as he removed Castiel's shirt and started kissing the bare skin that was revealed to him, stopping to suck on one of his nipples. Castiel groaned and tugged on Dean's short dirty blonde hair, and Dean chuckled against his lover's skin.
"Down boy." He purred, nibbling at the younger boy's ear.
He then sat up and took off his own shirt and jeans, then worked to take off Cas' pants too. Once that was accomplished, he gripped him through the fabric of his boxers and got a low groan in return. He smiled, then took off his own boxers and reached over his boyfriend for the lube in the nightstand drawer. Once he had the bottle in his hand he squeezed out quite a bit and then spread it around on his hands before sticking one finger in his entrance. He moaned, shutting his eyes at the sensation. When he opened them again, he was met with two black ones. He'd never seen Castiel looking so aroused before, and fuck, that was hot. When he managed to stick a second finger in his entrance, he let out a shaky breath, scissoring them inside himself to make sure he was good and opened. After pulling his fingers back out, he applied more lubricant to his hands and then slid Castiel's boxers off.
"You ready?" He whispered against his lover's lips.
Cas nodded, unable to form words. Dean opening himself was just too much. Dean then slowly and carefully slid one finger into Cas' entrance, and the man bucked up into Dean's hand, but Dean settled him down by resting a hand on his chest and gently keeping him in place.
"Calm down, baby. It's alright."
Castiel took a deep breath and held it as Dean worked his finger inside of him. Damn that felt good. He knew that Dean didn't like it when he rushed things because he was aware of what Castiel was doing, which was just zooming through it like it was nothing special because he was too nervous and anxious. Dean wanted him to feel comfortable around him... he wanted him to feel at home. When Dean smoothly inserted another finger, Cas moaned and squirmed beneath him. Then a third finger was inside the blue-eyed boy and he groaned through gritted teeth. When Dean pulled his digits out, Cas felt empty and cold, that is until Dean reached into the nightstand drawer, got a condom and kissed him, then rolled it on with practiced ease. Cas didn't want to think about all the girls he'd slept with right now. He wanted to feel like Dean's first, because Dean was about to be his.
"You okay so far?" Asked Dean, leaning over him and getting ready to be inside of Cas.
Cas nodded and swallowed down the anxiety that was swimming just beneath the surface. "Yeah... I'm alright, let's do this."
He offered a nervous smile, but it ended up being more of a wince and Dean kissed it away then fisted his own cock and lined himself up and slid inside of Castiel. Cas screamed but Dean muffled it with a chaste kiss before he worked up a slow movement inside of the younger boy. Castiel was panting beneath him, his hands everywhere on Dean's body. Dean lifted out and then pushed back in, maybe a little too hard as Castiel's face contorted with pain. Dean froze inside of him, waiting for a safe word, but he didn't say it, so he continued. He thrust back and forth, getting moans and whimpers from the younger boy. Or maybe that was him, but he couldn't be sure as his mind was flying at the prospect of actually doing this with Cas. He felt himself getting near his climax, so he tried to hold off and give Cas this moment. He wanted his best friend to enjoy this and not get ripped off. He thrust in deeper every time he came down, and when he grazed Castiel's prostate the sixteen year old screamed and that was it. When Dean came inside of Cas, he saw white and there was a ringing in his ears. Not long after Castiel followed, and Dean worked him through it as he thrust in and out, grazing his prostate every so often. When he pulled out of Cas completely, he flopped down on the bed beside him and kissed his sweaty temple.
"How was I?" He asked.
Castiel stared up at the ceiling in awe. "You were... wonderful." He breathed.
Dean chuckled and kissed him again, only this time on his lips. "So... feel any different?"
Cas was surprised at how coherent Dean could be after such an amazing orgasm. Well at least his was, but he didn't know about Dean.
"Different about what?"
"Not being a virgin anymore." Responded the green-eyed boy as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"Not really no." And then he laughed. Actually laughed, and the sound was so sweet Dean thought he might be ready for another round.
"What about you? Did you come?"
"Yeah, Cas. Don't worry. I came before you did." He chuckled, feeling the semen dry on his belly. He scrunched up his nose. "We should go shower."
"Yeah..."
But both boys just laid there until Castiel asked, "Together?"
Dean kissed his shoulder and smiled. "Sounds like a plan."
He then helped his boyfriend up, and the younger boy leaned most of his weight on Dean, completely wiped out from his first fuck. They undressed as Dean ran the water a bit too hot, and when they both got under the spray Cas instantly got washing up. Dean was a little offended until Cas explained that he just wanted to get out and go to sleep cause he'd worn him out. Dean laughed and said, "Lemme help you, then."
He washed up Castiel's hair, and he smiled at the smell of his own shampoo in his boyfriend's hair. The fact that Cas now smelled like him was too much and he couldn't help it when he started kissing Cas. Castiel returned it lazily, then washed Dean's back for him. When they got out, both boys collapsed into bed and rested.
Rachel Milton knocked on the Winchestes' door. By now John was home and so she would have to face him. Even though she and Mary had an unspoken alliance now, she wasn't sure if Mary had buttered him up or not yet. When Sam answered it, he huffed in disapproval but let her by because he heard that she was coming baring news.
"Thank you." Said Rachel as she entered. "It's nice to see you, Sam."
"You too." Muttered the thirteen year old, completely unconvincingly. Then he walked through the house announcing that Rachel Milton was here. He then mounted the steps and tapped on his older brother's door.
"Guys, I don't wanna walk in on anything." He pleaded, rapping his knuckles along the door.
Dean got out of bed and woke Cas up, too, and they got dressed and ready to go downstairs. Rachel and Mary were already setting the table for dinner, and John was sitting at the head of the table, arms crossed and scowling as the women jabbered to one another. When Sam, Dean and Castiel entered, everyone looked at Cas, and he shifted his weight from one foot to the other.
"Hey, Cas." Said John, breaking the awkward silence.
"Hello, Mr. Winchester."
He then took his seat at the table next to Dean, and Sam sat opposite them with Rachel while Mary sat across from John on the other end. Dinner was pork and mashed potatos with green beans, and Dean picked up his fork when John said, "Ah, ah, ah. We haven't said grace yet, Dean."
Dean groaned but put his fork down. Rachel smiled at him, and he resisted the urge to flip her off. He still didn't forgive her for the shit she put Castiel through for all those years. He was there that night when he walked Cas home and he and Rachel begin to fight, and Castiel literally begged for help because he couldn't stand the panic attacks any longer, but his mother refused him. It broke Dean's heart, but it no doubt broke Castiel's more. When everyone's hands were clasped, Mary did the honors.
"Lord bless this food to our use and us to thy service in Christs' name we ask it, Amen."
"Amen." Everybody retorted.
Dean was scarfing his potatoes down like a lion, and he noticed that Cas was smiling at him. It wasn't a genuine smile that showed contentedness, but instead it was an amused one, though Dean was happy with those, too.
"So," Said Rachel after a moment as she sipped her glass of wine. Another thing Dean hated about her was that she was a heavy duty alcoholic, and she was a mean drunk as well.
"I received the news on Castiel's diagnosis, and I'm sure you'd all like to know."
Dean looked up from stuffing his face. "Yeah." He said around a mouthful of pork. After swallowing, he added, "We would."
Rachel sighed, cleared her throat, and then dropped the bomb. "Well, there are three. Depression, Anxiety disorder, and Psychosis."
There was a long pause, and then John cleared his throat and raised his glass. "Well, I'm glad we all know what's wrong with him now. To Castiel."
Everyone clinked glasses except Cas, who scooted his chair back from the table. Well, I'm glad we finally know what's wrong with him now. Dean was dating a fucking Psychotic? He deserved better than Castiel. He deserved someone who could get in touch with reality. Sure, they were sitting in the same room now, but they might as well be on different planets. When he left the dining room, it was an unspoken agreement among all of them that Dean be the one to go comfort him. He chased his boyfriend into the entry way where the younger man was slipping on his shoes.
"Cas, wait."
But Castiel ignored him and opened the front door. He gazed out at the snow covered front lawn, then turned back, tears in his azure eyes.
"Dean... I love you."
Dean's breath caught in his throat at those words, and many years later he would wish that he'd said them back, but right now, he stayed quiet and Castiel left the house. His home.
Cas called his mother to tell her where he went so that she didn't call the police or anything, and he also texted Dean telling him that he was fine and not to come looking for him, and then he dumped his cellphone somewhere. After he'd left Dean's that night, he went to the Roadhouse to explain his absence, and told Ellen and Jo that he'd understand if they fired him, but Ellen just looked at him sternly and promised that he was always welcomed back. Then he did what he knew he'd end up doing: He went to Lydia's. Lydia took him in and let him stay in her large house, and Castiel felt okay for the time being. He understood that he'd soon be getting a prescription for anti-Psychotics, and that he'd need a refill of Prozac, but he figured since Lydia was a total dealer that she might be able to get him some stuff to make up for it. He heard that Xanax was a street drug, and that the medication was actually used to treat anxiety, so he hoped for that. He bought a calender and marked down the days until Dean's birthday. Dean would turn eighteen a week before graduation, and he remembered that when they were young they promised each other that they'd be there for either one of their graduations.
Maybe his head would be clear by then and he'd be able to go. One night Lydia came home from wherever she was, and she ordered pizza and she and Cas ate at the kitchen table under a lonely florescent light and she told him all about the drugs she'd managed to get, and he told her all about how in love with Dean he was, and that he was a coward for leaving him because he was afraid he wasn't good enough. Lydia told him that he wasn't a coward, and that she herself would never be dumb enough to date a person who would forever be dancing to a Psychotic waltz. This of course only made Castiel feel worse, and he drowned his sorrows in alcohol and drugs.
Monday, January 15th
At first Dean Winchester asked Rachel Milton to tell him where Castiel had gone, but when she refused, he asked his own parents, and as it turns out they didn't know either. Dean figured that he was either at Meg's, (though she probably wouldn't take him in after he tried to kill himself in her house) Chuck's, Lydia's or any of his other druggie friends' places. He knew that if he found him at one of their houses that he would have to confront him, and he wasn't sure he was ready for that. Monday evening, he looked at his boyfriend's notebook resting on the nightstand and wondered if he should take a peek, but then he thought better of it, feeling like if he were to look at it then he would just be assuming that Cas wouldn't come home to him, and he did not like that idea. So he waited for him, growing more and more anxious despite Rachel's words.
"He's fine. That's all I'll tell you. He has other friends besides you, Dean, and I'm sure he's perfectly happy where he is."
"But what about his medication? He's gonna need Prozac and some other drugs, too."
"Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it."
