Of Muffin Men and Janitors

26th of July 1996

9am

Can someone please indulge me and remind me when "Leave Me Alone, All of You" translated into "lets plan a family get together and talk about all the old unhappy times and smoke cigarettes while naked men women rub up against each other". OK so maybe I added the last part in – but seriously. Well apparently to Belinda Iero, that is a fact. So it's bad enough that I have a double period of HELL CLASS (I think that deserves big BOLD writing), but now I have to go to this get together dinner, which by total accident turned into 'Welcome Ways Without Woefulness' (alliteration rules!)

Anyway, so today has now turned into the worst day ever. I mean Gerard has to meet MY family. I mean we are not even dating – yet – and he is already meeting my parents. And Oh God, I like have 4 parents and like I only want actually none of them, and this is going to be bad real bad, and it is all Sleazy Mc-crack Whore's bloody fault.

9:25am

I know it's not really surprising considering the fact that she is always trying to ruin my life! But she did, this is what happened. It was like 5pm in the afternoon yesterday, I was innocently working at the kitchen table doing my homework when the EVIL SPAWN 1# also known as Wayne Kur starts to cry because he is hungry and shit and is way too lazy to get it himself. So Sleazy Mc-crack Whore walks into the room. Her totally thin body now big from having the baby (it's karma I knew it was real.)

I sarcastically roll my eyes at her and tell her that maybe she isn't working out enough because she sure could lose a few pounds kindly smile at my sister, who I love so dearly if she would never talk to me again and said:

"Hello" because Frank Iero, is always nice. (Vote me for mayor, I will make skittles free and allow gay men the right to marry, at least in this city.) Anyway Sleazy Mc-crack Whore who is mentally unstable rolls her eyes at me and thrusts the milk bottle into the baby's mouth (Oh I bet she is used to being in that kind of position and instead of milk bottle, it is male dick bottle ahahaha i crack myself up sometimes). Then the birds all start to flutter and everything is all really sweet and stuff and it was if I was watching a Disney movie but I wasn't it was just like Life of Frankie and Edgar.

Then mom walked into the room followed by Mr. Overall. And I will NEVER EVER EVER get used to him being in my sort of old house though I haven't moved out yet but I am moving out tonight yada yada yada. And then mom mentioned that when dad comes over tonight he and Janette and Jamia will be staying for dinner. More jaw dropped. Like not literally because I think that is the most stupidest figure of speech I have ever heard.

I mean you don't see my jaw dropping whenever I see Gerard. I more have a Gerard Attack, stumble over easy words like "hey" and feel like my world is on an axis. You know the normal stuff. So then I sarcastically told mom that "Why don't we invite the Way's" because we were already going to have the whole population of Australia in our house.

Then the worst thing happened. Mom's eyes glistened and she said "Frankie, what a fabulous idea" and she said fabulous really long and I kind of got sidetracked for a while, so when after five minutes I jumped up and said "WHAT!" like in all of those romance movies Sleazy Mc-crack Whore doesn't own and the couples go "NO!" it was like kind of like that. But more real life. And I probably am making no sense. BUT WHAT THE FREAK.

Gerard can abso-fucking-lutely not meet my four not wanted parents. Its. Just. Not. Going. To. Happen!

10:23am

Apparently it *is* going to happen, because Mikey approached me after class and said his mom was thrilled about the invitation to go to dinner. At least one normal loving caring considerate human being (who needs to get over an obsession with American Pie) is excited about tonight. Mikey can't be considered he isn't human anyway.

1pm

How do you say "fuck" in Hell Class Language you just say fuck. You know, I will never accept my mom dating Mr. Overall but I mean come on even this is going too far. Like I am used to not liking Hell Class. I mean I don't call it Hell Class because it sounds cool actually I do but stay on point Edgar I call it Hell Class because it was always HELL! So after Mikey thanked me again for asking them to dinner, I tried to successfully find Gerard at school. But finding your hot soon to be boy friend someone in this school is impossible.

So I gave up and went to class. So I walked in and went straight to the back of the gym where I was the furthest from the class and the furthest from Mr. Overall. Though Edgar you know how my life has been so sucky that I might cry well it got heaps worse.

Everyone at the school had heard of my mom and Mr. Overall dating. I was surprised people hadn't started to laugh and point at me. Like the muffin man could be my new father if they ever got married (I really wouldn't like to see their children together. There is enough evil spawn in the world.)

So, we played the usual basketball. Which is fine by me. Mr. Overall came into the room, he was in his gym shorts (and to think I have seen him in less than that *shivers*). And well all was fine I got out my discman cause I was hoping to Buddha that I wouldn't be picked and I could sit on the sideline and not be noticed.

BUT OF COURSE THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

So, Mr. Overall called the two team captains Brandon and Mark. So you probably could guess my surprise when nobody said anything for a few minutes no names were mentioned so I looked up and saw all the guys on the team looking nervously at me and then at Mr. Overall. By then my mind was slowly start to connect the VERY MUFFIN LIKE DOTS.

Then ever so slowly, Brandon and Mark yell out at the same time:

"ILL TAKE FRANKIE!"

Like, if it was Gerard saying that, I'd be like so how would you like me? But it was not Gerard, it was two of the most obnoxious jocks in my year and they both wanted to "take" me. Whether it was sexual, out of fear or because I clearly AM a good basketball player I don't know.

But because this was already bordering on being a day time drama I stalked out of my room. Kicking everything I find. I wouldn't do that again if I was angry because right now my big toe is throbbing like a bitch. (Takes time to swear in Italian, German and Frankie language.)

And because it was a daytime drama Mr. Overall followed me. To others it would look like we were having like a lovers spat or something. But seriously, no muffin! I just want to remind you of that fact that he is old and wrinkly and old and too muffin like and straight. Anyway so we are in the hallway and he is chasing after me and I am running and I really wish I could turn around fast enough and kick him in the crotch but you know that's not going to happen. Because it will probably end up hurting me more than him.

So, I take a corner and end up bumping into Gerard Way. Like skin on skin is good but not when you are trying to run away from the muffin man who is trying to get you to like him by getting his students to suck up to you. Gerard looks shocked and I really couldn't look up into his eyes. I mean, that day on the porch felt like eons ago. And it would be nice to be back into his nice warm embrace. I for a while forgot that I was being chased by the muffin man and he caught up with me, panting.

"Frankie" Seriously, Frankie?

"That's Frank to you" I burned him so bad, it was kind of sad. I tried not to make any eye contact with Gerard or Muffin Man. Though you couldn't blame me really. Mr. Overall panted slightly and I admit I was planning numerous ways that I could escape but of course I didn't make it out of there in time. I mean it's just my luck and all. =(

"Frank, look what's wrong?" Hahaha, he makes me laugh. I pity him for his obliviousness the fool. You know right at that moment I knew that I was going to do something I regret, like I have the tendency to either start something that can be epically disastrous or blurt something out that I will equally regret. Like in third grade I was best friends with a girl named Cynthia Mackson, she had the biggest crush on the most jerk of a guy Billy Donavan. So me being me a person who can't hold a secret even if I have a gun at my throat telling me that if I tell anyone I would be sure to die, went and yelled it out in the middle of class. Thus leading to crying/losing best friend/said best friend moving out of town/Frankie Fucking Friendless (I really do love alliteration).

"What's wrong" I did not sputter"WHATS WRONG. You told those jack asses Brandon and Mark and probably the rest of the Hell Class to involve me more in the class! I mean why would you do that? Because your FUCKING" I guess I did scream that word a bit too loud.

"Franklin" Fuck, it's not that he tried to order me around or anything because who listens to muffins anyway but the fact that he called me Franklin. You know I don't think it will get through his fucking muffin like head that I don't want to be called FRANKLIN.

"MY MOTHER, doesn't mean that you can start to treat me as if I am your son. I am nobody's son. Get that through your thick muffin like headthat I don't want anything to do with you. And really, would you be asking Dickhead 1# and Dickhead 2# to involve me more if you didn't care – if you can care for that beast of a woman – about my mother." Now here is the best part. I mean, this is where it gets really good. This is where it gets all movie like. When all the people start streaming out of the classrooms to see two people fight to the ULTIMATE DEATH! But that didn't really happen it was more like Gerard stood gobsmacked like I had just made out with a girl or something and Mr. Overall didn't know whether to kill me or himself. (Himself would be better.)

"Of course I would have Frank. I think of the students well being before my own" You know, if I didn't want to smell the guy I think I could smell BULLSHIT reeking off of him. Ahahahaha get it. Nevermind.

"Stop bullshitting, it doesn't suit you dude" I ended it laid back and turned and walked around. And you know, it felt really good to call him muffin man in front of him than rather just to you. It felt exuberant and all that crock. Though I didn't know at the time that Gerard had followed me. I would like to report to you that he took me in his arms and snogged me to my very happy death. But no that didn't happen. Actually we really didn't talk. It was more like a warm hand on a shoulder and a see you tonight more. After I told him to piss off and drop the Gerard Act for once, I was livid I could have killed a cat or something.

So you can understand why I hate hell class. The bastard thought that he could win me over once by giving me role as captain, then he thought that he could win me over by bullying his kids with fear to accept me into the group. Next he will join a band and start singing songs about how to cook Pancakes and do you really have STD's? And the hit seller: The Muffin Man.

Do you know the muffin man Yes the muffin man YES the muffin man GOD DAMN IT YES who lives on fuck I want you to fall off the edge of the planet and pummel to your death lane I'm pretty sure that's it.

2:01pm

AHAHAHAHAHA.

No.

2:43pm

So, we had to do one of those career tests in class. It was pretty exciting because shit if I know what I want to do when I grow up and getting into the New Jersey scene was hard when you are fourteen and only know three songs on the guitar (Green Day songs of course.). Nah I'm just lying. It's hard to get into a band, because like every fucking kid in this town (even the preppy ones) are in a band. And I was in a band. Buht it didn't work out. Long story more things to explain about.

Anyway Career Test. It seemed fun, like I was pretty sure that Mikey would get "geek" but I wasn't entirely sure what I would get.

Pimp, The Homosexual Of The Town That Got Everything For Free From Nice Old Ladies And Kinky Girls, or maybe even a baker (I have thought about it once and twice, Now Iero bakers in the family, I could start a trend.)

But I went in there with no likings of a job. Then I had to sit the test. It was totally stupid and not worth my time.

You find that children are:

Beautiful and would love to have some in the future.

Not sure, hadn't really thought about it.

Would rather not answer. (Which means you think that they are EVIL Spawn)

Your ideal job would be in the area of:

Creativity. (Your mind and soul are in the creativity spirit)

Studious. (You find yourself at a desk job working nine to five. Earning the usual American money.)

Has not thought about future. (Which means you're a bum and are always going to be a bum and marry a bum and have bum children.)

You wake up in the morning and realise your dogs dead (Rovers dead!) what is the first thing you do?

Call your parents, and cry on their shoulder you loved that dog.

Bury him and pretend you're a priest giving it its final words till they go to the dog afterlife. (dog afterlife? Huh)

Scream and run up a wall in fright. A dog? A Dead DOG! (I sometimes wonder who wrote this test, and whether they were right in the head).

Neither. You would walk past it. Dead dogs aren't your thing.

I don't own a dog.

You have a top notch job coming in, though your friend has invited to a party, you have to work on it the night of the party what do you do?

Rush the work and quickly get ready for the party. You can multi tast all day and night BABY!

Skip the party. Work comes before Play.

Do neither. Bludge through both and go see your favourite band.

What friends you have no time for friends. If you have time to write/take this test you clearly have no LIFE. (OK I added that for my amusement =) hahaha)

What would your friends say about you?

Oh she/he is always studying. We can never get her for ourselves.

All she does is party, party, party. We have never seen her/him read a book.

Kind and considerate. Knows her/his morals and sticks by them through thick and thin.

She is such a bitch and a slut and a two faced liar. I hate her so much. What a whore

None of the above

And it gets even more crappier trust me. Though when I got it back you will never guess what I got!

I got.

JANITOR.

JANITOR IERO

Well there have never been any Janitor's in the family. Maybe I can start that trend. I mean I have always wanted to be a janitor. It has been my life ambitioned since 10 minutes ago when I did the test.

Has a nice ring to it. Janitor Iero.

My adult life is going to suck if I become a janitor.

I mean what man wants to date a janitor if they don't want to be a janitor themselves.

So unfair. I DEMAND A RE-TEST!

2am

OK, I am currently at Mikey's house for a just decided sleep over that was planned in less than 10 seconds and I am wearing Mikey's really tight shirt (like I like tight but I AM SUFFOCATING and it is not like Gerard is going to notice or anything unless my nipples turn hard that would be embarrassing I bet it will rip the t-shirt.)

I am probably making no sense at all. Well that is considerate enough because well tonight was as out of control as I thought it would be. You just don't have dinner with your enemies. It's not like Satan and God are up there drinking tea and laughing at our stupidity. They are probably sending fire through mail to kill their enemy.

I'm sure the Easter Bunny knows that it doesn't even compare to Santa Clause or Jack. It just is not possible, it's a big bunny that gives chocolate. At least at Christmas you get to unwrap things and teach little kiddies rude songs to sing to the parents and watch them get into trouble. You can't do that on Easter. Because EASTER IS BORING.

But that is so not the point right now. Mikey is snoring. Like you wouldn't think something so small and thin could snore. But it does. And it's loud and when he breathes in it is a whiny like snort and it kind of sounds like a train whistling and he is keeping me awake that god damn son of a very nice woman who I really shouldn't call a bitch.

I guess you are going to want to know what happened? I am not sure really what to tell you, where do I start. I mean I could start at Jonathon Iero's birthday where everything in the world came crashing down. Or maybe at Belinda Iero's birth where she turned into a bitch at the age of an infant. I mean I can ever start at yesterday. But that is not important.

My point is how the fuck do I get people to stop calling me Franklin.

Franklin is a turtle and a town.

You don't see me going to Chad at school, Oh I know you you are a lake near Egypt. Or going up to Sydney Lean, have you been to Australia lately?

OK that may not be the problem but it is one of them.

One of the many in my sucky life.

So this is what happened...