Grand Romantic Gestures

Chapter Four – Part One

January 21, 2009

What is forgiveness? By definition forgiveness is an action, the act of freeing from guilt or blame. We are to treat the offender as if the offense had not occurred but how is that possible? Can we truly forgive and forget, paint a new canvas, erase the past? In the face of true betrayal, how do we wish away the pain that colours our judgement or mend tears as easily as three whispered words might suggest?

I forgive you. It's a noble ideal but what does it really mean?

And where do we begin? I've been told we must start with compassion but what if we are not of a compassionate nature? What if we can not forgive ourselves? If our greatest anger and disgust is centered not on an outward source but within? Anger directed outward can be tempered by friendship or undermined by lust. Anger directed inward can find no alleviation until it burns completely through.

I forgive myself. It's the hardest of all.

Eric Van der Woodsen

Blair let her eyes graze across every corner of the courtyard, eyes drifting from designer boots to evergreens, thick emerald branches poking from beneath white winter blankets, frosty breath encircling thousand dollar earrings. She examined every inch, leaving her most determined glance for the end. Her eyes swept the sea of boys until they landed on the one who, despite several weeks of dating Dan Humphrey, still occupied her thoughts.

Blair had been avoiding Chuck for as long, waiting for him to chase her across the halls or drop swarmy comments from above. He did none of these things. Instead, he spent every break perched on his stupid wall. Except it wasn't like years past. He didn't stare across the courtyard, gathering the hard partying crew, throwing obscene comments to any particular target. He reclined against the stone building, feet dangling lazily from the side and black leather journal open in his lap. That's all he did. He just sat there, cigarette in hand, writing furiously. He'd stop to banter with Nate, move over to let Eric or Serena sit beside him, but Chuck barely acknowledged the rest.

He'd come back an entirely different person and Blair hated it! It disturbed her to know that she no longer understood him.

Blair pried her eyes back to her steps. She opened her small tub of low-fat yogurt and jabbed a spoon inside. She stirred the mess of white repeatedly, knocking her heels on the pavement. Beside her Kat and Is were debating the merits of vitamin water and Blair rolled her eyes, jabbing a little harder with her spoon. She missed Serena.

The bell sounded through the courtyard and Blair immediately stood. She tossed her untouched yogurt in the trash bin nearest Chuck's wall. She would have to meet him halfway and that meant grazing just close enough to the stone structure to brush Eric's leg. "Eric!" she greeted the younger boy, saving a single glare for Chuck. "Bass."

Chuck's smirk grew at her ploy and Blair wished she had been more circumspect. "Waldorf," his sharp voice drowned out Eric's softer reply.

Blair tossed a handful of curls, and with slow steps moved to leave. She could hear Chuck jump from the wall, feet crunching on loose gravel. A smug smile crossed her features and she added a slight sway to her hips for his benefit.

"How's the subway ride to Brooklyn?" Chuck called lightly to her retreating frame.

"How are the Asian fantasies?" Blair countered with a look over her shoulder.

"You should check your sources." Chuck stepped closer, "It's an Asian and an African."

Blair curled one lip in disgust. "You're heinous."

"You ought to be flattered." He assured her, smirk pulling one side of his mouth. "It took two women to replace you."

Blair's lip curled more, exposing her perfectly straight teeth. Her eyes formed a matching line. "This conversation is over!" She announced with her back held straight and increased her pace. The accompanying male laughter announced to the world that she'd lost yet again.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Rufus paced down the street, darting between the waves of pedestrians walking towards him. The sun had risen enough to kiss the apartment buildings that rose higher with every block. It washed the streets in a yellow glow, reflected blindingly on the lingering piles of snow. Rufus kept walking until he reached the whitewashed building Lily had described. He walked in without keying a number, climbing the three flights of stairs until he reached apartment 352.

He could have met them elsewhere but somehow the privacy afforded here was better.

"Mr. Humphrey," Damien put his hand out and Rufus could see the thrum of excitement play across the young man's features.

"Call me Rufus." He offered with his hand.

"Please," Damien stepped back, "Come in." Rufus stepped into the small space, kicking his shoes off by habit. "I took some of my work from storage." Rufus hummed when he needed to. He didn't need to see the boys work; it was splashed across no less than five different arts magazines and Rufus read them all faithfully.

He wouldn't pass this opportunity by; Lily had known when she proposed it. The publicity surrounding this young man had been unprecedented to start, (far beyond what his small Bedford Avenue Gallery could aspire to), and once Damien dropped his show it had become ravenous. Rufus had had only one question. Would the boy display? Lily had answered it on her third glass of wine, weaved it within the admission that Damien was her son's lover and even though Rufus had already guessed, he was still shocked to hear the truth from Lily's lips.

Damien was shifting through a stack of canvases when Rufus heard the door to the bathroom open. His eyes strayed naturally that way and when he caught the flash of blonde they remained turned. Lily had a hand in her hair, distractedly pulling at a few strands that had blown free from her bun. When she turned to face him her fingers stopped their movement, hanging distractedly in her straight locks. Then she relaxed, a bright and genuine smile transforming her light features.

She was positively stunning but then, to Rufus, she always had been.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Central Park was nearly deserted, the darkening skies and freezing temperatures sending most to their homes. Nate sat in the center of a swirl of smoke, Chuck keeping company to the right. Once the hit was taken and the joint passed over, Nate's face went from relaxed to perplexed. It was becoming his regular state and Chuck understood why. It'd been more than two weeks since Nate had arrived on the Van der Bass doorstep and pledged his desires with daisies.

He and Serena were no closer to arriving at a conclusion.

"We've talked about it three times," Nate explaining, fingers itching for the blunt.

"That's the problem," Chuck decided, losing himself in the high.

"What do you mean?"

"Serena talks herself in circles; if that's the approach you take with her than you'll be looped too."

"What do you suggest?"

"The direct approach," Chuck held the joint close to his lips, smirk forming beneath it.

"I was very clear."

"I wasn't talking about words..." Chuck petered off.

"What should I do?" Nate genuinely didn't understand.

"Find an abandoned closet and do what you two do best."

Nate nearly scoffed but he replaced it with a thought. Perhaps talking about it wasn't the right approach. After all, they'd never discussed it before and yet made so much more progress. "You might just have a point."

"I always do," Chuck assured, handing the blunt back. He leaned back against the park bench and smiled. "Besides...watching the two of you grapple with a conundrum is just painful."

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Blair could feel every last ounce of blood drain from her cheeks, her face, her head even. She blinked repeatedly, shut her eyes harshly and reopened them but the truth was still plain in front of her. It shouldn't have bothered her; she ought to have been happy for him. She wasn't even sure why she wasn't.

"Blair," Dan put a hand to his girlfriend's waist. "What's the matter?" He whispered into her ear.

That cracked through the brunettes haze. "Nothing," she stood straight again, crafted smile finding its way to her face. "Congratulations on heading your class again."

Dan's eyes shifted to the paper she'd been studying. Constance and St. Judes had posted their honour rolls, and Dan's eyes quickly scanned them both. Blair was second in her class again, always trailing Nelly Yuki. That wasn't the source of Blair's distress. It was the other second that held them both in shock. Written directly below Dan's own name was Charles Bartholomew Bass.

How had he managed that? Blair tried to make a joke about it, laugh it off as a typing error but the staff at St. Judes didn't make those kinds of mistakes. It had to be genuine and Blair suddenly understood why Chuck had been avoiding the regular haunts, the parties and his customary crew. It wasn't the only thing. He'd flown across the country the week prior to whispers of multimillion dollar business workings. Blair didn't know the specifics; she'd been disowned from her regular circle and their inside information. She'd been reduced to depending on gossip.

Blair could feel the pieces of her broken heart crack further, shatter into even smaller pieces. Chuck was succeeding, genuinely and truly succeeding in life and she had had no hand in it. He was doing it entirely on his own and somehow that hurt her. All she had ever wanted was to be there for him, to help him find his way, to be his support. Now it was clear. He had never needed her.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Serena piled books into her locker, and grabbed her uniform gym strip from the hook. She shut her locker door and rested against it a moment. The walls weren't empty but she felt alone. She was alone. There were no girls gathered around, no one to gossip or laugh with. She missed Blair.

They hadn't managed to bridge the crack formed when Blair started dating Dan. To be honest, neither had made a great attempt. They had very differing schedules, Blair primed for university with preparatory courses, Serena skidding to graduation on an easier track. It made it easier for the two to ignore their problems and each other.

Serena pushed off her locker and started towards the large gymnasium. She made it halfway there when someone grabbed her from behind. Serena gave out startled gasp and a momentary struggle. The arms were strong and they pulled both to a nearby utility closet before they let her free. Serena might have been scared but she recognized the pleasing Polo scent and, when her eyes adjusted to the darkness, they again traced the familiar cheekbones. She was about to offer a chastisement when Nate's lips came down on her, stealing away not only the thought but the sentiment behind it. He wound one muscular arm around her waist and could feel the doubts, the uncertainly and the misgivings evaporate under his touch.

There was a familiarity to his movements, the way his knuckles grazed along her side, the urgency of his tongue. It was a memory she should have abhorred but she never would. She wasn't Blair but once upon a time she had fallen for the same slightly greying knight.

At last Nate broke free and she was disgusted to realize that she missed the warmth more than the reprimand that wouldn't form. He stared at her expectantly and that's when she knew for sure. She was going to burn in hell.

Strangely she didn't mind being ablaze. That's why she wrapped her nails around Nate's stripped tie, dragging his lips back to hers.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Blair couldn't say seated on the edge of her bed. Dan was laid across her comforter, textbook turning colours of green and yellow. He barely looked up as she jumped again, this time to grab more loose leaf from her antique desk. She had given up on studying; now she was reorganizing her dividers, redecorating her schedule, doing anything that would busy her hands.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" Dan suggested as Blair made another circle of the room. Blair just stared back at him? Who did he think she was? Holly Hobbit? "Or get some coffee?" Dan tried another route.

"I'm good," Blair sat down again and then popped up. "Did you want Dorota to make you a cup?"

"Blair," Dan put a hand out and stopped the brunette from moving any further. "Sit down," He ordered softly, pulling her to the bed. Blair let him lead her back. "Just tell me what's bothering you."

"I'm fine," Blair countered immediately and tried to stand up again. Dan wouldn't let her. He held her by the hand, other going to cup her cheek.

"You don't have to lie to me."

"I'm not lying,' Blair insisted.

"You don't have to pretend with me. I don't care about image and all that stuff."

"Well that's obvious."

Dan wasn't unnerved by her insult; he'd built up his suit of armour to reflect her digs. "I can see your wince every time Gossip Girl blogs about him. I see the way your eyes trail..."

"Like yours?" Blair countered in her own defence, pushing his hand from her face.

Dan took a deep breath because it was one thing to confront someone else, but another to be confronted. "I'm not going to deny it," Dan decided at last.

Blair felt the push to movement stop at his honestly. Even after weeks of dating she wasn't used to such candidness. It was too foreign. She was used to subtle dishonestly and guarded layerings of the truth. Where did that leave them? was the question playing on her lips but she couldn't say something that weak. In the end she didn't need to. Dan answered without the words.

"Why don't we just put things in the open; talk honestly and see what happens."

Blair first instinct was to mock, to poke fun at his after-school-special view of the world where everything could be fixed with truthfulness and a hug. She had to bite her tongue hard to stop the words from instinctually spilling, wade through the insults until she could force out a softly delivered "okay."

Wasn't it what she wanted? To have a stable relationship with a responsible male?

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

A/N – okay that chapter was pretty short but it's a natural break there. The other half is rather long and I might end up having to break it. Think we can make it to 100 reviews this chapter?

Ashtondene - I agree with you entirely. I also feel sorry for Damien but I also recognize that he deserved everything that happened to him. Maybe it'll make him appreciate his second chance that much more.

Puresimplicity – I adore Austen in general, the only other ff I've written has been centred on her novels. Blair's opinion of Elizabeth is not my own but it's one I have heard many times in my involvement with JASNA. It's meant, as you guessed, to reflect D&B. I'm glad I haven't read the fic you mention, it sounds like it'd be traumatizing for me :) I'd like to believe that Chuck and Blair would resolve their issues prior to getting married.

BRKOD – YIPPEE! I'm glad you're reading this. I thought maybe I'd scared you off. Lewis will be making a couple more appearances. I had written into the fic originally that Chuck had got her number before he left California but I couldn't make it flow so I ended up making it unsaid.

Annablake – You also got the reading of the P&P discussion right. It was a coded discussion of BD with D as Elizabeth :) thanks for the wonderful praise :)

Sky Samuelle – I'm also a huge fan of P&P :) NS is definitely on now (prepare for the backlash). I still have no internet but I wrote on my hand to save your file to USB so I'll have it ready when next I post.

Provocative – I hope I fulfilled both of you wishes. There's some major CB involvement by the end of this chapter.

Bradshaw-esque – well Lily did a pretty shitty job with Chuck after his dad's death too. I'm trying to warm up to LR but I just hate the way they did it on the show. In this fic, Bart is currently away on business but hopefully the CN made up for it.

Bluestriker - thanks

BlackLace – I have a soft spot for them too. I think the act of "falling" for Blair would force Dan to re-examine his own judgements. Kind of like how finding her crying in season one forced him to see her POV. And I think that Dan could hold the key to Blair being a little more open and candid with things.

Up Next – College prospects dinner creates more than one scene, one silent and the other gloriously loud. Vanessa and Dan get to be BFFs. What could possibly bring Serena and Blair back together? What other breakthroughs could be made at Dr. Sherman's?