Actual title: The Necronomiconvection Oven used by a Lethal Chef that Bakes a Recipe for Disaster with a Grain of Salt which Cooks Up Trouble
"Wow." Drakken stared at the monstrosity, barely capable of grasping what it was. The mad scientist had created many horrifying things in his long career of villainy. He was no stranger to eldritch abominations or breaking the laws of the universe. But this…this was just barely within his realm of comprehension.
It had been years since something had managed to have this effect on him. Partly because he had mostly stopped all of his morally questionable research, but mostly because few things were as hard to understand as this.
With awe clear on his face, he turned to the person that had created said thing and asked, "How in the world did you make this? I mean—" his arm waved at the pot of…stuff "—how? It shouldn't even be possible! I mean…I mean…" a choking sound erupted from his throat as he glanced at it again "…tentacles!"
Kim stood, staring with a sort of vague horror at the mass of what should not be. No movement or recognition of being addressed. In fact, she hadn't moved an inch since her first scream of confusion when she had first checked on her little experiment. Drakken was just about to ask louder when she replied quietly.
"I have no idea." The color had completely drained from her face, her red hair looking even brighter in the contrast. "I just…you said to experiment…that I couldn't be as bad as my family warned you." She suddenly turned and grabbed Drakken by his collar of his labcoat and shook him, crying "I JUST POURED SOME SALT AND NOODLES IN WATER AND BAKED IT!"
Drakken, subject to minor head trauma for a few seconds, managed to slip out of his coat and fall to the floor. For some reason that didn't stop Kim from continuing to shake the coat. The blue man stood up and just watched his girlfriend for a few minutes. The redhead continued, oblivious to the fact that the coat was empty and that he was standing staring right at her.
He looked from her to the thing that should not be. The flesh of it bubbled as small appendages—some ending in claws, most erupting into tentacles that spread out into smaller tentacles, and a handful developing fully into miniature human arms—burst forth from it before they withered and fell back into the writhing mass. What Drakken assumed were mouths split open all over the blob and shrieked, moaned, cried out in many voices before they were once again swallowed by itself.
It must have some sort of insanity effect. How he was mostly immune he wasn't sure. All Drakken knew was that this thing needed to be gotten rid of.
As Kim continued to shake the coat mercilessly, caught in some sort of mind-altering state, Drakken left the kitchen intent on solving the problem. He returned several minutes later with a small (by his usual standards) cannon of some sort.
"Can't leave you sitting around here," he said to the writhing mass of amorphous flesh. "I wish I could keep you if just to figure out how my Cherry Pie managed to make you…" he lifted the gun up onto his shoulder and aimed "…but I've run into enough alternate dimensional beasts to know when one is just too much trouble. Toodles!"
With a laugh of mad joy, Drakken depressed the trigger with his palm. A flash of purple light burst from the end of the cannon and encompassed the pot. The thing let out a shriek from all of its many warping mouths before it, the pot, and most of the stove and counter next to the stove vanished.
Kim stiffened, dropping the coat she had been shaking and blinked in confusion. "Wh—what just happened?"
"Oh nothing," Drakken replied before he flipped his cannon over and blew on the smoking end. "Hm. Must've overloaded something."
"Nothing? NOTHING?" The redhead waved a hand at the destroyed kitchen. "You call that nothing?"
"Ah ah ah! You forget, I've had to deal with certain people blowing up my homes—"
"Evil lairs."
"—a ton of times before! This little bit of damage is nothing." Drakken winced as he noticed the smell of gas. His vines snaked out from his collar and quickly tied off the ends of the pipes that had been inadvertently zapped to a different place in the space/time continuum along with the oven. "Eheh…just have to get it fixed."
"Right," Kim said, eyebrow raised. "And this has nothing to do with me having tried to bake something?"
"…weeeelllll…" Drakken scratched his head. "Let's just say that I'll be the one doing all the cooking from now on. Including making basic sandwiches."
The young woman groaned. "This is why I don't try to cook. I end up making something melt or a cake batter explodes…or that one time when I somehow brought a chicken back to life…"
The blue man stared at Kim blankly.
"…what?" she asked defensively. "I can do anything, but there are some things that I'm not very good at." A flash of anger hit her at admitting a fault which she immediately bit back. It was something she needed to get better at. Even the girl that can do everything can't be perfect at everything.
"...remind me not to let you mess with anything in my laboratory. If you can create something that horrific from just cooking materials, I would be horrified to see what would happen with proper supplies." He paused for a second. "Actually, I would be thrilled. But since we just got my lab cleaned up from the trolling problem I would prefer to spend some more time in it before we do any sort of permanent damage."
"Why would I—"
"Because baking is the science of YUM!" Drakken cried as he posed dramatically, a arm raised into the air.
Kim narrowed her eyes and growled. She was so not in the mood for his jokes.
The blue man stood for several minutes and waited for Kim to respond with something besides a growl. The only thing she did was go from glaring at him to rubbing her head. He suddenly realized that maybe now wasn't the time to tell jokes. After all, he didn't even know the possible side effects of insanity induced by a universal horror.
Slowly and sheepishly, the scientist let his arm drop. "I read that in one of my favorite comics once."
"…" Kim turned away from him and began walking to the door.
"Where are you going?" he asked, somewhat lost.
"I'm going to go see if there are any places to buy kitchen parts from in the area. And a new oven." She paused at the doorway before turning back to the confused man and saying, "Also, 'Cherry Pie' won't work." A shudder of revulsion spread through her as she continued with, "It feels like something my parents would call me."
Drakken folded his arms in annoyance as she went into the main hallway. Why does she have to say no to all of his nickname suggestions? None of them were as bad as Bubble Butt!
He reached into his coat and pulled out a small, thick piece of paper. His small but nimble fingers quickly unfolded it into a long sheet of paper which he took over to what was left of the counter. After he made sure he wasn't accidentally setting it down in any possible remaining water, he pulled a pen out from the same pocket and crossed out 'Cherry Pie'. It was placed between 'Baby Mama' (which he had heard from tv and had thought sounded like a common nickname in a relationship) and 'All That' on his list. The title of the paper read 'Nicknames for Cuddly Bear Kim' with the Cuddly Bear part mostly erased from existence.
"Hm." Drakken looked his list over again and realized that all but 4 of the names on his list of over 200 possibilities were crossed out. "I think I need a bigger list."
A/N:
That title is a result of me asking people for chapter title ideas and getting several responses. I decided that nearly all of them should be used in it, making the title much too long for tolerance sakes. I'm keeping it anyway because it reminds me of a MST3K film and amuses me to no end.
Poor Kim just can't catch a break from authors, can she? Alas, writing the girl that can do everything failing at something is a lot more fun than I had thought it'd be. A 400 word drabble ballooned to over 1200 words as a result.
Drakken's in the market for nicknames to give Kim. Unfortunately for him, she isn't really one for nicknames. At least not since Shego used them for terms of endangerment. And her parents, we can't forget them. But he's determined. We all know that he doesn't give up that easily. XD
Thanks to Pojko for taking a look at this and props to kgs for inadvertently putting the image of the mini-monster in my head.
