Trigger warning: This chapter contains mentioning of both physical and emotional abuse, so for those of you who do not want to read something like that I would recommend not to read this chapter.
Disclaimer: I do not own Fifty Shades of Grey; all characters belong to EL James.
Christian
Leaving Ana downstairs I slowly make my way up the stairs to the playroom. I haven't been in here for over five months now... I just couldn't. I was too afraid just being inside the playroom would somehow trigger the monster in me or bring back the memories of the last time I was in here.
Christ, when Ana asked me to tie her up it was a shock. It's a pretty common fantasy, but with my past it momentarily took me aback. Still, I would love to play a little and since Ana brought it up... why not.
In front of the door I stop and stare at the closed door for a moment. It's not a room or what others have tried to make you believe that defines you, Christian. You define who you are. Nothing that happened is your fault... it's just a room. Mia's words come back to my mind and with those words in my head I open the door.
The first I notice is the strong scent of citrus cleaner, leather and wood. I don't think I've noticed the scent before. Maybe, I was too busy creating the scenes in my mind to notice it before.
I sit down on the Chesterfield couch and look around, trying to figure out why this room was so important to me, but I just can't see it anymore. This room has to go. It's been long overdue... especially now that I've found Ana; I want no part of my old life jeopardizing my new life with Ana.
I get up and collect some of the red bondage rope from a hook by the door. It's the softest rope I have in here... maybe I should ask Gail to buy some silk scarves, I don't want to leave marks on Ana's beautiful skin, but for tonight the rope has to do. I collect a sleeping mask as a blindfold and on my way over to the chest of drawers, where I have a peacock feather tickler, my gaze drifts to the rack with the canes.
Automatically, I step closer and take my favorite cane. Fuck, it's heavy. Did I really use this to punish my subs with? It seems unreal now. Even more so that I would actually enjoy it. But I did... now even the thought of using anything like this ever again makes me feel sick.
I'm just about to put the cane back in its place when I hear a noise by the door. I turn to look and my world stops. Fuck, it's Ana...
"A- Ana ... I ... let me explain." I stutter shocked.
"No, stay away from me! You are sick!" She gasps in horror and turns around to run from the playroom.
Fuck! She is running... she won't even let me explain... no she can't leave me.
Dropping everything in my hands I run after her and see her hurrying down the stairs.
"Ana please, wait! Let me explain." I call after her and when she looks over her shoulder, probably to see how close I have gotten, she trips. I jump down at least four steps at once, nearly lose my balance, but manage to grab her arms before she falls and pull her close to me.
"No let go... let go... you are just like him... I don't want to be here..." She sobs hysterically and tries to get out of my embrace.
Fuck, in this moment I realize, that this isn't really about me. Somehow seeing me in the playroom with that fucking cane must have triggered something within Ana. Most likely memories from the time with her mother's third husband.
"Ana please... I was never planning to take the cane with me... I should have gotten rid of everything months ago, but I couldn't even bear to set foot into the room. I've left this part of my life behind me and I should have told you... but I was too scared that you would run, Ana. You are the best thing that has happened to me since the Grey's adopted me... and there haven't been many good things in my life... I just couldn't risk to lose you. But I would never hurt you... I would kill myself before I would ever hurt you... please Ana... don't run." I stop when I realize that I am rambling and look at Ana.
She still has tears running down her face, but her sobbing has stopped and she is staring at me.
"You didn't want to hit me with the cane?" She asks with a shaky voice.
"No... God, Ana. I would never do that to you... please believe me."
"I... I don't know... I..." She stutters and I know I need to do something to make her believe me.
"Taylor!" I call out and he is by the stairs within 20 seconds.
"Sir?"
"Taylor, go to the playroom. I want all the whips, belts, canes, straps and all the other shit gone within the next 10 minutes." I order and he nods and heads upstairs.
"I'll get rid of the room too. I promise you, Ana. You never have to be afraid of me." I try again.
"He hit my mother and me with canes... I don't ever want to go through that again." She cries softly and I hug her tighter. Fuck, I'm going to find that bastard and kill him myself.
"Your mother's third husband?" I ask and when she nods I pick her up and sit down on the sofa in the great room with her in my lap.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask and she just stares out of the window her gaze completely empty. I'm starting to think that she isn't going to say anything when she starts.
"At first, I liked him. He was nice. I didn't like to move away from Ray, but I didn't want to be separated from my mother either. After the first month he put this board in his study. I didn't know what it was at first. Turns out it was a list with punishable misdemeanors. Both my mother and I thought he was joking... but that was just the beginning. He would always add new things to the list, then he would make either one of us come into his study and get one of the canes for him..." She whispers and shudders. Fuck, this is torture to listen to.
"One night he ordered me in his study... he had added not finishing everything on one's plate to the list. He told me since I had broken this rule since the first day I lived in his house he would have to make my punishment extra severe. He made me take a really thick bamboo cane and I had to take it outside. There were rain barrels outside and I had to put the cane into one of them. He said it would have to stay in there for 24 hours. This way the cane would be more flexible and he could hit me harder with it." She stops again and I want to tell her that she doesn't have to continue, but I know that it can be healing to get it all out for once.
"My mother was begging him not to do this to me... she ... she offered to take the punishment for me. He agreed, but only if she was willing to take double the amount of strikes I would have been given. She wanted to protect me, so she agreed. But it wasn't good enough for him. He made me watch... and ... and I wasn't allowed to cry or he would add ten more strikes... my mom told me everything would be fine... but her skin cracked after only two strikes and he wouldn't stop until he ... til he..."
Suddenly Ana jumps up and reaches the kitchen just in time to empty her stomach in the sink. I hold her hair up in a makeshift ponytail and rub her back until the dry hives have stopped. I guide her to the breakfast bar and hand her a bottle of water one she is sitting.
"Better?" I ask and she nods.
"Ana, is he in prison?" I ask and she shakes her head.
"What is his name?"
"No... I ... I can't ... please don't make me... I..." She panics and I grab her shoulders.
"Ana... breathe, please... breathe. It's okay. I won't ask you for his name again. Breathe... yes that's right, baby." I try to calm her and she slowly relaxes.
"Do you want to lie down for a moment?"
"No... maybe... I don't know."
"Come, you need to rest, Ana." I carry her into the bedroom and help her to change into one of my t-shirts.
"Do you want me to lie down with you or would you prefer it if I sleep upstairs?"
"Please don't leave me alone." She whispers panicked, so I get into bed behind her and hold her close.
Once Ana is fast asleep, I quietly leave the bedroom and make my way to the security office where Taylor is sitting at his desk.
"Is everything gone?"
"Yes, Sir."
"Good, I want the playroom gone by Wednesday at latest."
"On it, Sir." He says and I leave the security office and head into my study where I make a phone call.
"Steele?"
"Mr. Steele, this is Christian Grey."
"Mr. Grey, is Annie alright?" He asks immediately.
"Yes, she is fine. I'm calling because I need your help. Can you give me the name of Mrs. Adams third husband?"
There is silence on the line for the longest time and I know this is not good.
"Leave it be." Is all Mr. Steele finally replies.
"Sir, with all due respect, but I can't. Ana has just shared a tiny piece of what has happened to her with me and I just can't leave it be. How is it that this fucker is not locked away in a jail cell?"
"That would be because the son of a bitch paid his way out of everything. He made Annie and Carla look like two crazy women. It was hard enough to get them out of his so called home. The only thing you achieve by digging into that part of Annie's past is to bring him back into her life."
"I can protect her." I reply and he snorts.
"Maybe, but I'm not prepared to take that risk. It took Annie years of therapy to get over it and even with all that therapy she is not able to say his name. I know that you care a great deal about my daughter, so take my advice and just leave it be. She will cut you off if you push the topic."
"Fuck, I just can't leave it be. That bastard hurt her... scarred her emotionally and he is somewhere out there, possibly doing the very same thing to another woman."
"No he won't. I made sure of it. Smug bastard had a charming face, that's why women fell for him so easily. I only had one chance to get my hands on him and I took that chance. He isn't such a pretty boy anymore."
"What have you done?"
"You don't need to know that, Mr. Grey. Anyway, I can't help you with that and please don't ask Annie's mother. It will only upset her. She refused therapy. Neither of them wanted to touch the money. Annie had no choice, because she wasn't 21 at the time and it was my decision how to use it."
"Money?"
"He tried to pay for their silence. At first I wasn't having it, but they were both traumatized, so in the end I accepted the money for them, just to make him go away for good and sign the god damn divorce papers. Carla used it to get settled in Georgia and help Bob built his company. Annie however, she never touched it. She says it is blood money. She even refuses to have the account in her name, it's still in mine."
"I see... so it's late, I don't want to keep you up, Mr. Steele. Thank you for talking to me."
"Anytime." He says and I hang up. Next I call Welch so he can find out what the money is all about. Then I leave a message for Andrea to tell her that I won't be coming into the office tomorrow and for her to call GP and tell them that Ana isn't coming in either.
I need to tell Ana about my past and it's nothing that I would want to discuss hurriedly during breakfast and before my parents arrive for dinner tomorrow evening. If I have to tell her about my fucked up past and what happened to make me see the truth, I need time.
After quickly answering some emails, I go back to bed, hoping and praying that this isn't going to be the last time I get to hold Ana in my arms at night.
The next morning I am up before Ana and decide to let her sleep a little longer. When I leave the bathroom I find Ana running around the bedroom trying to get ready.
"Oh my God, Christian! Why didn't you wake me up, I'm going to be late for work." She complains.
"No you won't. I had Andrea call GP; they know that you aren't coming in today."
"What? Why would you do that? I just returned to work yesterday, I'm going to get fired!" She snaps clearly pissed and I sit down on the bed and pull her in my arms.
"Ana, I can assure you that you won't get fired, but we need to talk. I need to tell you about my past and it's not something I can do in a matter of minutes."
"I'm not sure I want to know." She whispers.
"I know, but I don't want this to come between us, Ana. Once you know everything you can decide if you want to stay or not. You've seen the room upstairs and I don't want you to be afraid of me."
"Okay, can I take a shower first?"
"Of course, I'll be in the kitchen. We have breakfast and then we can talk."
For the first time in my life, I couldn't wait for a meal to be over. The silence between Ana and I was pure torture and at this point I just want to get it over with. There is no point in postponing this conversation and Ana has a right to know the truth. So, we sit down in the great room and I start.
"Growing up, I never felt worthy of my family. In some ways I still feel that I am responsible for the death of my birth mother. I couldn't protect her and logically I can understand now that it wasn't my responsibility to protect or safe her, but still... these thoughts haunted me through all of my childhood and most of my adult life. In addition with my phobia of being touched, I always felt like a misfit. In school as well as at home. In my teenage years I started to fight at school. It was the only way to get rid of the aggression and frustration I felt inside. Of course, my parents were less than pleased with me at the time. Especially after I was kicked out of several schools. That is why they made me do the backyard for a family friend when I was 15."
I stop and think about a way to tell her about Elena. I want to explain this right, but at this point I can't even explain to myself why I fell for her lies.
"The friend's name was Elena. She was in her early thirties back then and married to a man who only saw her as arm candy. Anyway, she seduced me, but not into having a regular affaire. She made me become her submissive."
"Her what?" Ana asks confused and I smile about her innocents.
"Submissive... have you ever heard of BDSM?" I ask.
"I think so, but not in any depth."
"Okay, so a submissive or sub is a person who willingly surrenders him or herself to another person sexually and often times in many other aspects of their lives."
"Why?"
"Above all because they enjoy it, but also because it takes away the need to make decisions for themselves among other things. I guess each person has their own reasons. In my case I believed that I wasn't fit to take control of my own life, so I let Elena make those decisions for me. She gave me rules, made me work hard for school; she stopped my secret drinking habit and made me treat my parents with respect. In return I was allowed to fuck her. However, if I didn't follow her rules, she was quick to dish out punishments."
"She punished you?" Ana asks clearly horrified and I wish that this was already the worst part of my story.
"Yes, she had a room similar to the room you saw upstairs. I won't go into details of what those punishments entailed, but it got pretty ugly sometimes."
"Why didn't you tell your parents... I... I don't understand."
"Ana, look... I've told you that I was an out of control teenager and Elena she was a good friend of my mother. She took advantage of what my mother had shared with her about me. She played on my insecurities and made me believe that this is what I deserve. More so, she made me believe that it is the only way for me to be with someone. At the time I believed her... I thought she was helping me."
"How did it end?"
"After six years I didn't want to be the submissive anymore... so I became a Dominant myself." I stop to let her digest this piece of information and she just stares at me.
"How... how old were the woman you did this with?" She asks clearly scared to hear my answer.
"They were all over 21, I had very clear rules. I have never engaged into any sort of sexual relationship with someone under the age of consent, Ana. Every sub that I had knew what she was getting herself into. They were all established in the lifestyle and signed the contract knowing what was involved."
"Contract?"
"Yes, with each sub I had, I had a contract clearly stating what we would and wouldn't do. It was all consensual. In someway I knew all along that what Elena did to me was wrong, which is why I was so adamant about not engaging with a sub under the age of 21. I wouldn't even train a newbie submissive, because it never appealed to me or even felt wrong..."
"And this woman, Elena... she just let you go?"
"Until five months ago, I considered her my friend. I was a silent partner in her business and she even helped me to find new subs from time to time. Now, I know that she was only controlling me... I was her puppet even when I thought I had long moved on from being her submissive." I explain and can't help the bitter sound of my voice.
"But you are no longer in the lifestyle?"
"No, about seven months ago I've started to get bored with the lifestyle. It was always the same... and every sub blurred into being the same as the one before. Elena was trying to get me to take on a new sub, but I wasn't having it. I thought she understood my point, but in reality she was afraid of me leaving the lifestyle and moving on with a normal relationship. So, she contacted a former sub of mine." I explain and stop, trying to control my breathing. Fuck, even thinking about that night is like a never-ending nightmare.
Ana seems to sense my unease and takes my hand in hers. "What happened?"
"The sub... her name was Leila. I ended the contract with her, because she wanted more and I wasn't up for more at the time. Anyway, Elena knew that I had sent Gail and Taylor away for the weekend. I had worked long at Grey House and when I came home around ten... fuck, it was like stepping into a nightmare. There were drops of blood and chunks of hair leading up to the playroom. I heard some whimpering coming from the playroom... when I got inside... fuck..."
"Christian you don't have to tell me." Ana offers, but I know I have to get it out now. Otherwise she won't understand why I would never in my life go back to the lifestyle.
"No, it's fine. Inside were Leila and another girl... she had beaten her and was just about to strangle her... at first I didn't even recognize her. Leila had cut chunks of hair off her head, her clothes were ripped and her face was a bloody mess..."
"Was she a sub too?" Ana asks and I shake my head.
"It was Mia." I reply and have to fight the urge to vomit when pictures of that horrible night flood my mind.
"Mia... but why?"
"Leila had issues with her mental health. Elena had made her believe that I wanted her back and that she was supposed to wait here for me. What no one knew was that Mia had decided to come back home from Paris as a surprise for Elliot's birthday. She knew that my parents were out of town and she didn't want Elliot to see her until his party, so she decided to surprise me first. When she came into the apartment, Leila saw her and thought Mia was my new sub. Leila snapped and attacked Mia... she tortured her for hours until I arrived... when Leila saw me she ran and got hit by a car just a two blocks away from here... she died before the paramedics arrived. I didn't find out until a day later. I didn't want to leave Mia alone in the hospital... I was certain she wouldn't want to see me anymore once she was awake again, but she surprised me..."
"How?"
"The hospital called the police... Mia told them right away that she got attacked on the street while taking a short cut through a back alley and that she somehow managed to get to Escala... it was sheer luck that the security cameras weren't working that night or else they would have caught on to her lie immediately. I didn't understand why she would lie to protect me... but to her it was never in question to mention the playroom, Leila or anything that could have affected me."
"She's your sister; she didn't want to see you getting exposed to the media." Ana offers and I shake my head.
"She shouldn't have cared about me, it was my fault Ana. If it wasn't for me and that fucked up lifestyle, none of that would have happened to her. When our parents and Elliot arrived I couldn't lie to their faces. So, I told them the truth, expecting them to disown me, but they didn't. Fuck, my mother wanted to kill Elena with her bare hands... at the time I still wanted to protect her... she had me so caught up in her lies. It wasn't until Elliot pointed out to me that Leila must have gotten the code for the elevator from someone. And it had me thinking, apart from my family, Gail and Taylor no one other than Elena had the code. That's when I confronted her."
"What happened when you confronted her?"
"At first she lied and when I wasn't having it, she finally admitted to giving Leila the elevator code. In that moment I was so fucking angry, I told her that I would cut all ties to her, that my family knew about what she had done to me and that she was on her own now. And that's when she showed me her true colors. She started to yell at me, how she had made me that I would be nothing without her and that no one would ever love me. Saying that was her one mistake, because I knew she was lying. For the first time in my life I knew that my family truly loves me. Why else would Mia lie to protect me, why would my parents still talk to me and my brother wanted to kill Elena himself. For the first time in my life I was ready to accept their love and I was not willing to let Elena take that away from me. So, I just left her screaming and fuming like a demon and never looked back. She left the Seattle the next day, probably scared of what my parents would do to her."
"Where is she now?"
"She is in prison in Bangkok."
"How?"
"From what Taylor and my Dad could find out, she found herself a toyboy and he asked her to take a Buddha sculpture for his mom back to the states. Too bad that she was searched at the airport and they found five pounds of cocaine inside the sculpture." I reply and can't help the smirk on my face. Karma really is a bitch.
"And since then you've left the lifestyle?"
"Yes, it just made me realize what Elena took from me over the years and after seeing my sister like that... I could never ever take a woman in that room again or use a cane, whip or whatever on her without seeing the pictures of Mia badly beaten and tortured in my mind. It's not what I want or need anymore. All I want now is to have a normal relationship with you, Ana. All these little things like going to the movies, playing cards or just talk for hours, I never had that before and more so, I never thought I could have that. But now I know that I can. I don't feel the need to control every aspect of your life... well the rational part of me doesn't want to." I add with a wink and Ana smiles.
"You are not that controlling... well... at least it doesn't bother me much whenever you are, because I know it comes from a good place... believe me otherwise I wouldn't be here anymore." She says.
"So... you are not leaving me?"
"Can I ask you something, before I answer that question?"
"Of course." Please don't leave me.
"Why were you holding that cane when I came to look where you are and why do you still have that room anyway?" She asks still uncertain, but after what she has been through I can't blame her.
"I wasn't in there since that night. I just couldn't, but at the same time I felt it was important for me to keep the room, so that I could go in there and face my fears once I'm ready. Sometimes I wanted to go in there in just destroy the room myself... but in the end I never went back in there. Yesterday, when you told me about your fantasy I was taken aback for a second. Not because it's an unusual fantasy, but because I never expected it from you... still I liked the idea. All I wanted to get was some rope, a sleeping mask and a feather tickler. Then I saw the canes and grabbed one just to understand how I ever felt that hitting someone with a cane was okay, as long as it happened between consenting adults. It just seems so wrong to me now... I was about to put it back when you came into the room. Please Ana, you have to believe me... I would have never betrayed your trust in me like that. The thought of hurting you, it's abhorrent to me."
I stare at her, willing her to understand this one thing. She can't leave me, not because of a lifestyle I have left behind.
"I want to believe you, Christian. I really do... but it's not that easy for me. But I don't want to leave you either. I know it's unfair for me to ask, because I'm still keeping a part of my past from you, but promise me that there are no more secrets... I want to trust you, plan my future with you and I can't do that if you are only feeding me bits and pieces of information whenever I happen to stumble upon something."
"Elena made me believe that I am a sadist and for a long while I picked my subs so they would look like my birth mother. I know better now... many joint sessions with my family and Flynn finally made me see the truth... but that really is all, Ana. No more secrets. This is me... in all my glorious shades of fucked upness."
She leans forward to stroke my cheek and I can't help but lean into her touch.
"You are not fucked up, Christian."
"Ana..."
"No, listen to me. You've been through so much in your life and still you are here... look at everything you have achieved... you've never given up... and that's all that truly counts. If anything you are a survivor... you've been dealt with a shit hand of cards and you turned it into something good. And if you tell me that this lifestyle is in your past, then I can live with it. All I need to know is that you don't need it now... because I want to give you all that you need, but that is the one thing I can't give you."
"I need you, Ana. Just you."
"Then we can work through everything else. I'm not going to give up on you, Christian. So, to answer your question. No, I'm not leaving you."
"Oh thank God" I mutter and pull her in my arms to kiss her.
"Thank you, Ana. You have no idea what this means to me."
"You are very welcome... and I want to promise you something... I want to tell you about my past... everything that happened with husband number three... I'm just not ready; can you give me a little more time?"
"Yes, I don't want to pressure you, Ana. You can tell me when you are ready. You know, I just want to protect and it's not easy to do that if I don't know from what or whom I have to protect you."
"I know. Come... let's do something normal." She says suddenly and gets up.
"What do you want to do?"
"How about we take a walk in a park and have a picnic?" She asks with a smile.
"You know what? That sounds like a great plan!"
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