Author's Note: Dear me, it's been ages since I updated! Lame apologies, a thousand times over. I've been on vacation. However, I love all of you wonderful, amazing, magnificent people who reviewed, or added this story to your alert/favorites list! It makes me so, so happy. But enough, and on with the chapter!
When Hermione walked into Sophie's office on Saturday morning, Pansy was already there. She was sitting in one of the loveseats, filing her nails in an absent-minded way. She looked up when Hermione entered and patted the seat next to her. Wondering if this would end up causing a stir, Hermione hesitated for a moment before joining her.
"This will be fun."
Hermione frowned, thinking. "What will? Going to Hogsmeade later?" She had invited Pansy to join her and Ginny, who had arranged to meet Ron and Harry at the Three Broomsticks for lunch. She had written to both Ron and Harry, explaining her and Pansy's newfound friendship, and to warn them that Pansy would be accompanying her. She had not heard back from either of them, but hoped that was only because they had been too busy to respond, as she had only written to them three days prior.
"Oh, well, that too. But I was talking about us sitting together. It will leave someone having to sit out of their comfort zone." She grinned at Hermione devilishly. "Let's watch."
Pansy would surely be right, although Hermione hoped it wouldn't be Neville, because then she would feel rather bad. Fortunately, right at that moment he came walking in…with Hannah Abbott. They took the other loveseat.
She turned to look at Pansy, her eyebrows rising up to her hairline in surprise. Neville and Hannah were chatting happily and seemed very comfortable, and now that Hermione thought about it, they had been leaving Herbology together almost all year…
Hannah was pretty, in a girl-next-door kind of way. She had long blonde hair that she often wore in a plait, and a kind, round face, much like Neville's. Her soft brown eyes were currently looking up at Neville adoringly as he spoke animatedly about something Hermione couldn't quite overhear. Hannah started laughing, leaning forward and covering her mouth with her hands, and Neville seemed very pleased with himself. He caught Hermione's eye and winked, then looked at Hannah with such a sweet expression that it almost made Hermione's heart skip a beat. She found herself wishing someone would look at her like that, and turned away wistfully. Ron never had, at least that she had seen.
"They make quite a cute couple," Pansy observed. Hermione only managed a nod in response.
Ernie and Susan filed in soon after, taking a spot on one of the couches. Malfoy and Zabini followed, neither speaking to the other, sitting down together on the other couch. Upon walking in and seeing the options they had left, Parvati and Lavender hastily took the two armchairs by the fireplace. Michael walked in alone and sat down with Ernie and Susan. They greeted him fairly cheerfully, as they had all been in the D.A. together. When Anthony Goldstein walked in last, he looked quite horrified when he realized the only spot left was on the couch next to Malfoy. Pansy was chuckling quietly to herself, and Hermione gave her a rather reproachful look. She stopped chuckling immediately. Hermione turned to watch Anthony as he approached the couch.
He looked rather angry and possibly slightly afraid. Malfoy noticed this, and Hermione saw that he seemed rather…upset by it. When Anthony sat next to him, Malfoy nodded at him and said something, but once again she couldn't hear. She was quite surprised by his civility, and so, it appeared, was Anthony. However, he returned the greeting, albeit a little unsurely, and the anger and fear vanished from his face.
When Hermione looked back at Malfoy, she was shocked to see that he was staring directly at her. He quickly looked away, and at that precise moment, Sophie walked in.
For today's group session, they were supposed to be talking about "more serious" things. Sophie wanted them to "open up" and "share their stories". It was supposed to help them "bond" and "heal". It was supposed to help them "come to grips" with what had happened and "move on".
Well, eff that. Draco had already moved on, and he didn't need to share his feelings to prove it.
However, he did have to admit that he was quite interested to hear everyone else's stories. He honestly didn't know very much about any of the seventh years outside of those in his own house, and he was strangely fascinated to hear what they would all say. Would his story be similar to any of theirs? He doubted it. He was the only former Death Eater in the room. Still, he couldn't help but wonder…
Longbottom spoke first, of course. Draco hadn't been at Hogwarts the previous year; in fact, he was the only pureblood of student-age given special permission not to attend, by the Dark Lord himself. Therefore he wasn't so familiar with what had gone on at school. But he was hearing it now, straight from the kelpie's mouth. And he had to admit, he was rather impressed by Longbottom's nerve! Of course, the Carrows weren't much to contend with magically, but Snape had always been incredibly powerful and much feared by anyone who hadn't been in Slytherin. And of course, Longbottom had stood up to the Dark Lord himself, during the Battle of Hogwarts. Draco had to hand it to him. As ill-founded as he liked to pretend "Gryffindor bravery" was, Longbottom had a lot of it. And he was a bit…jealous? He didn't like feeling that way.
He glanced around the room to see how his "peers" were receiving Longbottom's story. Every eye was riveted on him, looking at Longbottom with a mixture of admiration and awe. Even Blaise! Yes, Draco was certainly a little jealous of him.
After Longbottom finished speaking, there was thanks from Sophie to him for "sharing so honestly" and murmurs of admiration all-around. Sophie asked who wanted to share next, and there was an awkward silence. People looked around shiftily or stared resolutely at the floor. Either they didn't want to share their own feelings just as much as he didn't, or no one wanted to follow up Longbottom's story. Well, he could hardly blame them for that.
Then Pansy spoke.
"I'll share."
Every eye immediately turned to her, and Blaise raised his eyebrows slightly, conveying mild interest. Draco hadn't seen him this engaged the whole year, and wondered what was up. He looked back at Pansy, and was amazed to see her looking so nonchalant. But then again, Pansy never had much of a problem being in the spotlight.
And so she started speaking. Draco, of course, knew the whole story, so he only half-listened to her talk about her father's steady downward spiral, her fear for her own life, her jubilation at hearing of Voldemort's death, and how that day changed her entire life. He was fairly surprised at how open she was being, telling a room full of people her innermost thoughts and feelings. He noticed Granger grab her hand and give it a light, reassuring squeeze as her voice began to shake when she talked of her reunion with her father before he was taken to Azkaban. Looking around the room, he saw Patil and Brown sobbing quietly, and both Hufflepuff girls (whose names he didn't know) were wiping their eyes with the backs of their hands. In fact, Granger was the only girl with dry eyes in the room.
"I never knew that…about your mum…," Patil said quietly, after Pansy had finished speaking. "And watching your Dad…that must have been awful for you…"
Draco looked at Pansy. She seemed gratified by Patil's response, but shrugged with a sad little smile. "It was hard, but I learned how to detach myself. I dealt with it in my own way, mainly by being a bitch to everyone."
Brown giggled, a little maniacally, because she was still crying too. Everyone turned to give her a strange look, and a slight blush crept onto her cheeks.
"So-sorry," she hiccupped. "It's ju-just…you ki-kind of were. A bi-bitch, I mean."
Oddly enough, Pansy grinned at this statement. "Yes. And I'm sorry about that."
Draco stared, he couldn't help it. Pansy had just apologized, AND NOW ALL THE GIRLS WERE LAUGHING TOGETHER LIKE IT WAS SOME BIG JOKE. Pansy had treated them all absolutely horribly for seven years! Were they really going to forgive her that easily?
Would they forgive him that easily, if he apologized?
He felt his chest start seizing up just at the thought.
These past few weeks had been hard for him. He'd always been fairly good at being alone, but it was finally starting to get to him, if only a little bit. He had figured that he would just concentrate on school, ace his N.E.W.T.s, get a job, and then start meeting people who didn't know about his past. He didn't need friends now, they'd just be a distraction, and besides, basically everyone at Hogwarts hated him. He wanted to show that he was different, but only by not being a jackass. He didn't need to grovel, or anything demeaning like that. Because he didn't need to be friends with any of these people. Chances were that even if he tried they wouldn't care. So, he had told himself not to even bother. Why waste his time?
But all these things with Pansy kept messing up his assumptions. Pansy hadn't ever been a Death Eater, but she'd been a right bitch and had wanted Potter to be handed over to the Dark Lord, if only to save her own skin. Yet here she was, best friends with Granger, of all people, and now all the other seventh year girls were laughing at the fact that she used to try and make their lives a living hell.
It was totally messing with him. Not to mention ruining his whole no-one-here-would-ever-truly-forgive-him theory.
Eff.
Hermione sat at a table in the Three Broomsticks, marveling at how well Pansy was fitting in. Somehow the girl seemed to know just what to say to assuage any fears that Hermione's friends may have had about her.
First, Pansy had won over Ginny. The three of them had enjoyed a lovely walk in the crisp October air after the seventh year group session, Pansy and Ginny getting along swimmingly as they gossiped about the various boys on the House Quidditch teams. Pansy was able to provide Ginny with previously unknown tidbits about the Slytherin boys, such as the gem that Vaisey once let people play exploding snap on his bum and he had to go down to the infirmary for a month so Madam Pomfrey could apply a special ointment. Pansy had related the tale most descriptively, and Ginny had to make them stop walking for a minute, she was laughing so hard. Before, Ginny had only given Hermione her blessing on her and Pansy's friendship by saying that she trusted Hermione's judgment. But as they made their way into the village, Ginny had whispered to Hermione "I see what you like about this girl."
Then, they had arrived at the Three Broomsticks. Ginny had positively squealed when she saw Harry, whose face had lit up with an expression of pure delight as he took her in his arms and spun her around. Hermione had approached Ron a bit more tentatively, but he had hugged her tightly all the same and given her a kiss on the cheek. She and Harry had embraced fiercely as well, and just seeing her two best friends almost made tears well up in her eyes. She had blinked them back furiously and turned to Pansy, who had hung back a bit awkwardly during their spirited reunion.
"Ron, Harry, you both know Pansy."
The boys glanced at each other then, but Harry had moved forward to shake her hand anyway, smiling. "I know Hermione has been feeling lonely, and I'm glad you two have become friends."
Pansy smiled back graciously. "It's me who should be grateful. Without Hermione I'd be stuck hanging around Draco and Blaise all the time, and they've become quite the bores. Honestly, I've thought about transfiguring Draco into a ferret a few times, just because he'd be more entertaining that way!"
And that, quite simply, had done it. Ron had been staring at her with a bit of a sneer on his face, which changed to disbelief as she referred to Malfoy and Zabini as "bores", and by the mention of turning Malfoy into a ferret he had started cracking up. He put his arm around Hermione's shoulder, more to help keep him standing than anything, and addressed Pansy with a grin on his face.
"I've got to admit, Parkinson, I thought Hermione must have been mental when she wrote us that letter saying you'd be coming here, but you're alright."
And he had clapped her on the shoulder, like she was "one of the guys", which was rather bizarre, but Hermione supposed Ron couldn't have thought of what else to do, and Pansy didn't seem to mind.
So now they were all sitting at a table toward the back of the bar, and Neville had come over to say hi with Hannah in tow, and Luna had wandered over dreamily, like she'd walked in by accident, and Hermione was sure she couldn't think of a more unusual group to be talking and laughing together like they did this everyday. Well, actually, if Malfoy or Zabini had been there it would have been more unusual, and probably Michael Corner too. Even so, it filled her with a strange sense of happiness. She had been very worried that Ron and Harry would react to Pansy very negatively…well, more so Ron, but she couldn't have imagined it going any better.
Harry and Ginny were trying not to be overly affectionate in front of everyone, but no one missed them holding hands under the table or the long glances they gave each other when they thought no one was looking. Hermione was wondering vaguely if she would get any alone time with Ron, and was surprised to find that she wouldn't be very upset if she didn't, when he slipped his arm around her waist and whispered in her ear "let's go for a walk."
Her heart began to flutter nervously, although she couldn't say for sure why because she'd been alone with Ron hundreds of times before. She looked over at Pansy and saw she was stuck listening to Luna tell her about the summer she spent looking for the Crumple-Horned Snorkack in Sweden with her father. Hermione noticed Pansy was struggling to remain polite as she told Luna that to believe in such a thing was ridiculous. She bit back a smirk and turned to Ron.
"Sure."
Their departure went unnoticed by the rest of the group, and she followed Ron out into the weak afternoon sun. She thought about grabbing his hand, but saw he had put them both in his jean pockets. Wilting a bit with disappointment, she trudged down the main road beside him in silence.
"I've been thinking a lot lately."
She turned to look up at him, a comment about that being unusual for him (meant to be gently teasing) rising to her lips, but she stopped herself when she saw his face. His expression was a mixture of seriousness and sadness, and her heart rate increased quickly. Was he finally ready to start talking about the war? About Fred, or Remus?
"I know I've been pretty reclusive lately. I don't really feel like myself anymore, you know?"
She nodded, unsure of what to say, of what he wanted to hear. He took a deep breath, ran his hand through his hair.
"I care about you a lot, Hermione. You're one of my best friends." He grabbed her hand, then, and his was so warm and rough, she could feel the calluses. He smiled down at her sheepishly.
"I'll always care about you, you know that, right?"
Still she was unable to say anything, just nod, although this time it was because she felt her throat closing up because she could already hear his next words-
"But, I think I want to be alone right now." He breathed out a big sigh.
She stopped walking.
"Alone?" It came out as a strangled cry.
He looked down at her warily.
"Yes. Just to like, try and figure some stuff out."
She could feel blood rushing to her face, and she felt like she might be sick. Ron was breaking up with her. RON WAS BREAKING UP WITH HER. Ohgodohgodohgodohgod.
"Are you okay?" His tone was filled with genuine worry as he peered down at her, eyebrows scrunched together.
She couldn't think, she couldn't breathe. She could hear herself talking though, and she distantly registered that her voice was about two octaves too high to sound normal.
"Okay? Yes, yes, I'm fine. I understand, Ronald. You want to be alone, that's fine, just fine. I'm going to go back to school now, though, would you please say goodbye to Harry for me, and tell Ginny and Pansy where I've gone? I've just realized I forgot to return a book to the library, you see, and it's a day overdue, and Madam Pince will be positively livid, you know, so I really must return it as soon as possible."
She felt her body turning around, away from Ron, and felt her feet moving across the cold hard ground back toward the school. It was amazing, really, her body's ability to act of its own accord like this, because her brain was definitely too jumbled right now to be sending out any readable signals.
She thought she heard Ron calling her name, but she might have been imagining it. She thought about turning around, to see if he was running after her, but the thought that he might not be made her feel sick again, so she kept walking, putting one foot in front of the other. That's it, she told herself calmly, just keep walking. Everything will be fine if you just keep walking.
When she reached the end of the main road, she lost it.
She took one shuddering breath, then began to sob in earnest. Her breath came in ragged gasps, and she sat down on a nearby boulder before she fell over. She had never felt an emotion like this before. Her heart felt like it had been ripped out of her chest. Not to mention she was angry! How could he break up with her? After all they had been through? After everything she had put up with that summer? How dare he!
How dare he break up with me before I broke up with him, a nagging little voice said in the back of her head. The thought made her stomach twist uncomfortably, but she stopped crying, at least. Which was good, because she could hear footsteps behind her. She did not lift up her head, but could tell by the scent of cherries that floated on the air toward her that it was Pansy. Pansy's cherry lip gloss was very pungent.
"Hullo," she said, rather dully. Pansy slowly sat down beside her.
"Weasley told us what happened."
She nodded.
"Well, more like he came back in looking all crestfallen, and Ginny asked where you were, and he mumbled something incoherent and Potter whispered something to her and then she started screaming at him about why in the hell would he break up with you."
She chuckled despite herself. It sounded exactly like the sort of thing Ginny would do.
"You okay?"
She shrugged, still looking down at the ground. She didn't want Pansy to see that she had been crying. Pansy put her arm around her and shook her gently.
"It's okay to be upset, you know. I'd be upset if I were as brilliant as you and some numbskull like him had the audacity to break up with me."
Hermione smiled, then wiped her nose with her sleeve. She looked up at Pansy, and saw concern flood Pansy's eyes as she took in her own puffy red ones.
"If I'm honest with myself, I guess I'm more upset that he did it first. Because a part of me that I hadn't really acknowledged had been thinking about doing it."
Pansy nodded, urging her on.
"I'm upset, too, because I love him. But…the whole time we've been together, it's never been right. It's never been what I always imagined it would be like." She struggled to put her thoughts into words, to examine those thoughts she'd been having but refusing to accept as valid.
"I always imagined us…having this perfect relationship, because I thought we were meant to be. But, the longer we were together, the less right it felt…and I love him, but I guess I'm really upset because I don't love him in that way. And it's hard to process. I had our whole lives planned out…" she trailed off with a sigh. Pansy let her sit there and ruminate for a minute, then she popped up, holding out her hand. Hermione looked up at her inquisitively.
"Come on, we're going to Honeydukes. This calls for a cauldron-full of their best chocolate, I think, followed by a binge which forces us into choco-comas for the rest of the weekend."
Hermione laughed, letting Pansy help her up, then followed her back down the road into the village.
Author's Note: I know, I know, you guys hate it, right? You were totally expecting Ron to blow up at Hermione for being friends with Pansy, and that cause their breakup, or something, right? Well, let me explain Ron's passiveness a bit.
First and foremost, I would like to emphasize that I believe the war changed EVERYONE very SIGNIFICANTLY. The main way this manifests itself, to me, is by having people be more forgiving. Plus, young people are more forgiving generally, I think.
But what about hot-headed, loyal-to-a-fault Ron, you ask in indignation?
I believe a major changing point for Ron started when he came back to Harry and Hermione in DH after walking out on them. Ron's pretty immature throughout the series in terms of owning up to his feelings etc, etc, but to me him coming back marks Ron growing up, a lot.
Harry, of course, hated Snape with the fire of a thousand suns, only to have his whole world turned upside down when he went through Snape's memories. These two life-changing moments humbled both of them, in my opinion. Not to mention, 1) it was more Hermione that had major beef with Pansy at school, not so much Harry and Ron, and 2) after you've gone through a WAR and seen your friends and classmates DIE, little shit like old school rivalries seem a bit trivial, don't you think? And I like to think that all of the characters I'm focusing on in this story are mature and smart enough to realize that. Even Ron. So, terribly sorry if you were expecting an infuriating/hilarious scene with Ron yelling at Hermione and bashing Pansy, but, that's not what I was aiming for. So, it is what it is. As always, (though which significantly less certainty than I'm used to), hope you enjoyed the chapter!
