~ Chapter 9 - Feelings ~

There was nothing that could have prepared him for the pain that he was currently feeling. All the hours of viewing gay porn and reading about how men coupled were just lies. It didn't feel good or made him find his way to completion in a haze of stars. It only wanted him to pass out and forget about it. Okay, the abuse to his prostate had felt really good and the foreplay before that too, but the initial intercourse was a pain in the ass, literally. Grimmjow was too big and the lack of lubrication didn't help either. The fraternity leader had tried to lubricant with some of his spit at the beginning, though that was long gone.

Ichigo felt the arousal of being penetrated repeatedly and his manhood had swelled even further. The pain was a constant reminder of what was happening. Grimmjow were having a good time, he grunted with each thrust. Sucking lips found Ichigo's neck and most likely left a bruise. He buried his head in the sheets after the fraternity leader marked him. A long pained groan escaped Grimmjow's lips probably indicating that he was close. The speed picked up and the thrusts became heavier than before. This also made the pain more unbearable for Ichigo. He tried to take breaths to keep up with the pain, it worked but only barely.

Then everything came to a standstill. Grimmjow ceased his movement, burying himself deep inside of Ichigo. The orangette felt how the man tensed over him and how he breathed out heavily. Glad that the abusing pain stopped, Ichigo relaxed a little and was able to let go of his death grip on the blanket. With a kiss between his shoulder blades, Grimmjow slowly pulled out. Ichigo moaned quietly at the sensation, since he finally could feel something more than just the pain. He couldn't remember finding his own completion and he felt sticky and very…open. Behind him, Grimmjow probably took of his used condom judging by the sound he was causing. The man then laid down beside him, letting his fingers trace his spine lazily. Ichigo's body was cooling down and the action made an involuntary shiver go through his body. He wanted a shower badly, he felt disgusting, but didn't trust his legs to bear him yet.

"Cold?" Grimmjow asked, his voice higher than a whisper.

Ichigo nodded, not trusting his voice at the moment. In a fluent movement, the fraternity leader managed to pull away the blanket under them to cover their naked bodies with. Grimmjow never got so far to take of his boxers earlier and was still wearing them to Ichigo's relief. Collecting as much of the blanket as he could, he snuggled into it. He tried to move into another position, but it only made pain shot up his spine, so he stayed on his stomach.

He didn't know what to say to Grimmjow. Should he comment on their moment together or just be causal about it? What was the usual protocol? It was a big thing for him, but for Grimmjow with experience under his belt, it was just another time. Right?

"You're quiet." Grimmjow said behind him.

Ichigo had no idea what he should answer. Of course he was quiet; his mind still comprehended everything. He'd just lost his virginity for pete's sake… So then lie, he thought.

"Sorry, I was thinking." Ichigo finally answered.

"'bout?"

Of course that stupid follow question would come. "Uhm… you." There was futile to lie, even if he desperately wanted to, when Grimmjow always managed to bring out the truth. Ichigo could feel himself blush madly. In a way he wasn't lying since he thought about Grimmjow in a sense.

Grimmjow reached out and enveloped his whole body in an embrace, burying his face in Ichigo's neck, inhaled the sweet scent of sweat and the subtle scent that he orangette always wore. Ichigo felt warm with the skin to skin contact and the hot breath tickled his throat. It made him smile. He carefully turned around to face Grimmjow despite the ache, since he had hidden his face the entire time. The man followed his move and ended up lying with his arm above Ichigo's head. With his right hand, he traced the dark hickey on Ichigo's throat. The fraternity leader leaned in further and claimed his lips. Prepared, Ichigo parted his and they kissed one of those slow, serene ones that made his toes curl in bliss. He almost sighed happily. Grimmjow's lip was still swollen, his eye was just as purple and his blue hair was a mess, but he still looked drop dead gorgeous. For what seemed like the hundredth time, a blush crept forward making him feel like a love sick school girl. They laid like that, looking at each other and let their eyes do the talking with an occasional lazy kiss once in a while. Ichigo's head was in the clouds however it all was disturbed by Grimmjow's phone going off in his pant pocket. The fraternity leader ignored it and soon the ringing stopped for a second only to go off again. Apparently it was important. Grimmjow realized this too.

Ichigo openly ogled Grimmjow's half naked body as he took the call. His joy was easily taken away when he saw the man's serious facial expression. He had to go, Ichigo just knew it. Grimmjow ended the call and threw the cell on the bed before bending down to take on his pants.

"It was Nnoitra. Szayel has apparently decided to drop out." The leader gritted out.

"What?" That made Ichigo wake up some from his post coital hibernation.

"He's obviously out of his mind. Fuck." Grimmjow put on his shirt before dragging a hand through his hair. "I'm sorry."

"It's dark outside. Can't it wait till' tomorrow?"

"It could be too late tomorrow."

Bracing himself mentally, Ichigo sat up in his bed, bringing his covers with him. It still hurt but more in a sore way. He took Grimmjow's phone and unlocked the screen; surprised that he didn't have any password. He then added his own contact info in the phone's address book. It seemed appropriate after what their time together. When he was done he gave it back to Grimmjow who was ready to go. The leader bent down and pecked him quickly on the lips, leaving Ichigo stupefied. They had been doing a lot of kissing since Grimmjow forced his way inside his apartment.

"I'll text ya when I get home." Grimmjow promised and Ichigo nodded with a smile.

When the outer door slammed shut, his apartment went back to quiet and felt empty. Without the warmth of Grimmjow in his bed, Ichigo suddenly felt very cold. It was finally time to try and get that shower. A hot one. Carefully he sat down his feet on the floor and stood up slowly. So far so good. Taking the first step forward, Ichigo could feel that the pain he had felt had just been temporary but the soreness from being tense during the whole intercourse was still there. Grimmjow hadn't been as rough as he initially thought. He walked slowly to the shower and let it heat up before going in.

The water against his skin was heavenly, a bath to soak in would have been even more so. Finally rid of that icky feeling between his legs, he could let himself relax and try to warm up. He didn't step out until his limbs were a pile of mush.

Refreshed and out of the shower, he froze in front of the mirror upon seeing the huge hickey on his throat. His index finger followed the contours and he didn't find it embarrassing at all. It hadn't been placed there to make a fool out of him, or so he thought at least. The way it had been created had felt different from that. Wow, that was a new perspective but with Grimmjow most things felt okay and not that scary. He made it feel safe to let that controlling feeling go. He had always had trouble trusting people and he trusted Grimmjow a great deal. It made him smile for what felt like the hundredth time this evening. You're so lovesick, Ichigo.

Remembering that he hadn't eaten yet he ate something light before changing his sheets. It was beginning to get late and even though he had gotten a power nap before, he felt exhausted.

~xxx~

Grimmjow had texted him as promised.

[He's out.]

Ichigo hadn't expected that at all. The person to convince anyone to reconsider would be Grimmjow. He laid in bed, wondering what he should text back. Nothing he said would change anything and he didn't want to make the man more upset. Losing one of your fracción could be considered a weakness in the fraternity or that it had a weak leader. Grimmjow was nothing like that, but outsiders wouldn't be able to see it in the same way Ichigo did. Rumors would be spread and probably damage the club further. The betrayal Szayel had done had consequences on so many levels. Ichigo wondered why the man had chosen to quit so suddenly. The only answer Ichigo really could give in his uninformed situation was:

[I'm sorry.]

He hoped that Grimmjow wouldn't take the reply the wrong way.

When the phone, still clutched in his hand, vibrated Ichigo was startled awake. He had been more tired than he'd thought. The sleep that he had gotten though was filled with nightmares and he felt hot and cold at the same time. He looked at the sealing blurrily and felt how wet his t-shirt was. His mouth was like cotton and he was trying to read the message he had gotten, but couldn't focus properly. With squinted eyes he somewhat managed to read it. It was from Shinji who wondered if they could study together. Ichigo tapped on his phone explaining that he wasn't feeling well, but could need some help with exam studies. He was behind after all and even though he'd sworn to not study with anyone else but himself, he could need the help. Since they lived in the same building, it would be easy for Shinji to go home without trouble also. Shinji promised to bring something to eat.

Ichigo took careful steps to the shower, the world around him swayed dangerously. He definitely had a fever. In the bathroom he quickly searched for medicine to reduce it. Finding the pack, Ichigo swallowed two with a lot of water to help rehydrate his body. He got rid of his wet shirt and tried to fight the chill on his clammy skin. To be on the safe side he sat on the floor in the shower to not slip and crack his head open. The medicine had yet to have any effect. The water against his skin was heavenly, knowing that Shinji soon would be at his door, he showered necessarily long. The rest of the bathroom felt cold now when his skin had heated up from the warm water. Ichigo quickly redressed in dry clothes and brush his teeth. No sooner than he had exited his bathroom the door bell chimed, notifying him of Shinji's arrival.

Taking his time, Ichigo made his way towards the door. Shinji's smile faltered a little as he saw Ichigo's flushed face.

"You look like hell." He said.

Hello to you too. "It snuck up on me all of a sudden." Ichigo replied and let the blonde inside. "You got any studying done?"

"I've tried, but I can't really get into it. Takes me hours just to start."

"Yeah me too, first time a study block has happened." I've had too much on my mind lately. Ichigo mused.

"Food while we start everything up? You look to need it." Shinji suggested.

Ichigo agreed and they placed everything on the coffee table before sitting down. He had been forced to sit at one point and let Shinji do everything as he didn't have any strength to move around much. His back throbbed a little in certain angles too, making him wince quietly when it came as a surprise. They ate and studied simultaneously. Shinji was actually concentrated and quiet for once.

Grimmjow still hadn't replied on his text message and it made Ichigo check his phone repeatedly to see if he had.

"You are awfully interested in that phone."

He didn't think any of it until Shinji commented about it. "Am I?" Ichigo said and busied himself in a text book.

"It's pretty obvious." Shinji put some food in his mouth and wrote down notes at the same time.

"Oh, sorry. I'll stop if it's annoying." Ichigo put it away, but let it rest against his thigh in the couch to let him know if it vibrated. "Can we ask each other questions to see if we get the literature? I think it's easier to remember that way?"

"Why not, it's different."

Throwing questions and answers at each other made the time go rapidly and both of them got better and better at answering them. It felt really good to finally be able to grasp the content. With this new good feeling, they decided to take a break. Ichigo was starting to feel the fever again and needed to get more medicine too. Their study session in the couch had made him stiff and he swayed a little from dizziness as he stood up.

"Grimmjow texted you." Shinji said when he came back.

"He did?" Ichigo answered a little too excited to seem causal about it. He took up the phone and read it.

"Was he the one to give you that hickey?"

Ichigo froze, but continued to stare at his phone.

"A hickey, a fever and an almost unnoticeable limp. Looks like someone got to the fourth base… well fifth in this case." Shinji cocked an eyebrow, already knowing that he had found out something good. He certainly knew that the sudden red color to Ichigo's face wasn't just from the fever. "Come sit,-" Shinji tapped the soft cushion of the sofa. "-and tell me everything."

Ichigo did as Shinji asked, but refused to spill on own accord. It wasn't he blonde's business, nor was he keen on speaking of such an embarrassing act.

"So… was it good?"

"I won't even answer that." How could he, when he didn't have anything to compare it with?

"Then I'll assume that it was." Shinji propped his feet in the couch and leaned his back against the armrest. "But for you to get a fever, he must have had a impressive third leg or you just wasn't used to it. First bottom or first man?"

My first everything. Ichigo looked away, uncomfortable about the subject. Couldn't Shinji get off his case already? He could feel how Shinji was staring at him. "It's none of your concern." It really wasn't.

Shinji's eyes widened, suddenly realizing something. "First time?"

It had been so easy to admit it to Renji on that night when he first had gone out with the group, but not now. They had been a little drunk then, not that it should make any difference on the embarrassing- scale. He found himself suddenly in Shinji's arms. "Congratulations." He said and stroked Ichigo's back. "Yesterday was a big day!"

"Don't make it bigger than it is."

"Good to know that you and Grimmjow have something going on. It makes life more interesting. What did he text you?"

Ichigo had completely forgotten to answer Grimmjow's message. He opened his phone again and typed a reply. "He wondered if we could meet, but I replied that I am with you." The tell tale smoke smell drifted inside as if on cue. Shinji noticed it too and immediately wanted to go outside and talk to his neighbor. "I'm not ready yet." Ichigo pleaded.

"You talked afterwards right?"

"Yes."

"And you still find it awkward that you slept together?"

Ichigo nodded. "I don't know how I should handle all the feelings I'm feeling."

"Just act normal. That's the best thing you could do. I'm guessing all of this is kind of a secret between the two of you and-"

"Don't you dare tell anyone anything. Grimmjow doesn't need more attention right now."

"Oh? Something else happened?"

"This is secret until the day everyone knows. Okay?"

"Yes, yes." Shinji waved his hand impatiently.

"Szayel dropped out." The look on Shinji's face was priceless.

"You're kidding?"

"No, I'm honest."

"I so didn't need this information before exams, how am I going to be able to concentrate?"

"Like everyone else, use your brain." Ichigo joked and got a pillow thrown in his face.

~xxx~

After he and Shinji had met to study together, studying had gone much easier and Ichigo was finally feeling confident over the exam that was due tomorrow. He still hadn't met Grimmjow, but they had stayed in contact through messages. It was stupid when they were neighbors, but Ichigo's fever had stayed another day after Shinji's visit and then both had been forced to concentrate on studying. The whole situation with the Espada still was a matter for Grimmjow to handle, but today Ichigo had invited him to dinner. He finally had come to terms with his feelings and felt that both needed a calm night before the exam.

Ichigo felt a little nervous, not over his cooking but where the night would end. Would Grimmjow expect him to 'put out' now that they already had done it once? Shinji had told him to not over think things and just go with the flow. It was easier said than done. The door bell chimed as Ichigo poured out the potato water in the sink.

When he opened the door, Grimmjow stood there fresh as ever and Ichigo got a good feeling about this night.

"Hey." Grimmjow said before giving him a hug. It was warm, he smelled good and his hair was still a little damp. Ichigo took a greedy whiff before they parted.

"The food is ready." He said and led them further into his apartment. Grimmjow sat down at the set table while Ichigo placed the pots and pans on it. He had made potatoes and oven baked salmon with lemon sauce. There also was an easy salad to go with it. The fraternity leader didn't hesitate to start plate his food. He must have been starving since he quickly took his first bite of it before Ichigo had gotten to put sauce over his potatoes.

"Wow, this is great." He said genuinely.

"Thank you. It's easy to make since it handles itself while cooking. The sauce is quick too."

"I tried this once, but ended up with dry salmon. Never tried it since. How has your studying been going?"

"At first it was disaster, but I think I got the hang of it now. What about you?"

"I've recalculated all math problems three times so I should be able to handle the exam, but you never know till you walk out from the classroom." Grimmjow didn't look to be a nerd, but he was and it was kind of cute.

"True story. Hopefully they use similar questions from the previous exams."

"Yeah. Can I have a second helping?" Grimmjow wondered.

"Of course, eat till you're satisfied. I've made plenty."

Grimmjow took more food and it made Ichigo happy that he had been able to cook something that the other liked. A foot brushed against his own, making him look up from his plate, straight into Grimmjow's blue eyes. They stared at him with such intensity that a faint blush threatened to come forward.

"I-I have dessert too if you want some." Ichigo stumbled on his words to his embarrassment.

"There's always room for dessert." Grimmjow said, obviously suggesting something completely different and smirked. That definitely made him blush harder.

After they finished eating, Grimmjow helped Ichigo to take away the used plates and pots. It was still early so they decided to watch some TV while eating the dessert Ichigo had gotten for them. The dessert was chocolate cake with whipped cream, homemade of course. Ichigo had baked them in two individual molds to make them portion sized; the whip cream was on the side in a bowl. Grimmjow's eyes almost rolled back in his head when he took the first bite. Ichigo chuckled at the expression secretly jumping on the inside that the leader liked the cake.

"You really should learn how to cook."

"I'd get fat if I did."

As if he could get fat with that body.

"I haven't always been this gorgeous." Grimmjow continued and winked. "I used to be chubby when I was younger. A change of diet and exercise sort it out. Maybe puberty had something to do with it too." That must be why he had been insecure.

"Oh? Then I could take that cake of your hands and spare you from chubbiness!" Ichigo joked and stretched to take Grimmjow's dessert away from him. He easily held it high in the air where Ichigo couldn't reach it. Ichigo weren't about to fall in to the trap of climbing onto Grimmjow's lap, it had been too obvious so he settled down again instead and finished eating his cake. When the bluenette had finished his, he laid an arm around his shoulders while leaning against him. Ichigo found himself squeezed close to the other and he enjoyed it. Grimmjow was warm so he curled up against him to not lose the warmth. His sickness, all the thinking and the stress from exam studying had made him tired. It was good to finally feel relaxed. He hoped that Grimmjow felt the same; he must have because his nose had been going back and forth in his hair for a while now.

"Will you come tomorrow?" The leader murmured into his hair.

"Come to what?"

"The usual party the Club House holds after exams. Preparty at my place with my fracción…" Grimmjow let out a sigh. "I mean with Nnoitra."

"Maybe, these past weeks have been tiring. I'll think about it."

"I can't force you." Grimmjow said sounding, dare he guess, a little disappointed? "You know where my door is if you change your mind."

"How is everything with the fraternity now?"

"Things are a little bit difficult at the moment. Szayel left his key yesterday and didn't say a word to me. Nnoitra shouted at him, but he remained quiet. It's what hurts the most. I only want to know what made him change his decision."

"There must be some reason, don't worry." Ichigo tried to reassure Grimmjow. He knew that it probably wouldn't make any difference, but he just wanted Grimmjow to know that he cared. "Uhm, your clothes that I borrowed… do you want them or should I wash them first?

"No need to wash them, just return them when you feel like it."

Ichigo turned his head and looked at Grimmjow before answering 'Okay'. Grimmjow leaned in closer and they shared a kiss. Ichigo had been missing this the entire time after he had come to terms with himself. He missed the closeness it meant. It was over quite quickly, a little too quickly, but it seemed that they still tested the waters of what they had. Because they did have something right? Why would Grimmjow still approach him if they didn't? A finger smoothed out his scrunched up forehead, it made Ichigo blush for the hundredth time around Grimmjow.

"You shouldn't think so much. Your forehead will get wrinkly in no time." Grimmjow teased him. "I need a smoke, is it okay if I use your balcony?" Ichigo nodded. He followed Grimmjow from the couch as he walked through his small apartment and exited through the balcony door. A hand cupped the cigarette to shield if from the wind as he lighted it. Grimmjow blew out a puff of smoke and then sat down on one of Ichigo's chairs. Ichigo watched him through the window and right there came to an understanding with his feelings.


AN:

Thanks for all reviews in chapter 8, highest review count for a chapter for any of my stories I think!

If you want to follow my progress or random thoughts more closely, like my author page on Facebook. (Link in bio). Say hi or whatever you like. I haven't updated much yet since no one is following it, but I'll try if there's an interest.

Love,

BIAE