Chapter 9: How Important
Ashley's POV
My God you are beautiful.
I should say this out loud.
"Spencer…" I whisper softly as she begins to stir beneath me. Our naked bodies are wrapped up in each other and we have been drifting in and out of sleep, waking up here and there to continue where we left off as sleep would intermittently find us throughout the night.
And now it is 4:40 in the morning and I am staring at her. I can safely say she has slept a little more than me.
I have been watching her sleep. Taking her in, listening to her soft breathing, wondering where her random smiles and soft whimpers are coming from.
"Spencer…"
She slowly opens her eyes and I watch as they adjust a bit and focus on me. She breathes deeply and I feel her arms grasp me more tightly. I pull her to me and brush her hair from her face.
"You are so beautiful," I whisper into her ear as I kiss her neck.
"Mmmmm…baby, why aren't we sleeping?" she questions as her hands slide up and down my damp back, signaling to me that she may not really want to slip back into whatever dream she was just having.
Though I cannot help but think by the smile on her face it was a good one.
And I hope I was in it.
"Because…" I draw out slowly as I continue kissing her neck and move ever so slowly to her jaw line and then to her cheek, each kiss deeper and wetter.
"Because what?" she teases as her right arm slides up my stomach and her fingers graze my hardened nipple.
"Becauuusee…." I reply as I pull her on top of my body and take her lips in my own.
"Okaaay…" she surrenders and our kisses become deep and passionate.
I have to leave in the morning for Miami, and although Spencer is considering coming for a few days, I am painfully aware of the fact that tonight…well technically this morning…might be the last chance I have to be with her for a while, and sleep just isn't a priority.
And considering her hand is sliding down in between us, I am guessing she is thinking the same thing.
I spread my legs wider and allow her as much access as she needs. Her fingers trace slowly through my folds as her tongue dances wildly with my own.
I groan loudly as I feel her fingers slip into me, one on her first thrust, adding a second a few later and then a third as I lose any and all control of my hips.
Within seconds she is kneeling in front of me, her fingers pumping in to me, my knees bent, her free arm positioned under my lower back, pulling me into her with each thrust.
Wanting to touch her the way she is me, I push myself up so I am sitting with my legs wrapped around her. I feel her slide down so that her legs can spread out in front of her and wrap around me. I pull her body flush to mine and snake one of my arms down in between us and feel her lift her center to me so I can plunge three fingers into her.
"Oh God baby," she cries as our lips meet again and we pull each other closer, our thrusting fingers matching pace and deepness and urgency. I feel a fourth finger slide into me and I fight for control of my body as I slide a fourth back into her. I feel her forehead rest on my shoulder in response and I bury my face in her neck as we continue exploring the deepest most intimate places that are reserved for only one another.
As my orgasm begins to take over, I yank my head back and bring her chin up with my free hand so I can look at her and she can look at me. And the minute our eyes meet, our bodies jolt violently against one another and she cries out, my name escaping her lips and her name falling from mine.
…
"Bo, Lyla, come in here," I hear Spencer call from the kitchen as I am pulling my bags down the hallway. "Mommy's leaving."
I struggle a bit as I make my way down the stairs and find my family huddled near the front door. I meet Spencer's stare as she pulls our children closely to each side.
Setting my bags by the door, I walk over to them, and pick Lyla up first.
"Mommy, awe we comin to see you in Chicawgo?" she asks, clearly not capable of understanding that I am going somewhere different than the last trip where she went with me.
"No, baby, Mommy is not going to Chicago this time," I explain as I nestle her little body into my chest. "But Mommy will be home real soon," I assure her as I kiss her gently. "You be good for your Mama, okay?" I request as her little brown eyes stare at me with slight confusion.
"I wiwell, Mommy. But whea awe ya goin?"
"I am going to Florida, princess. It's sunny and warm there, just like here," I try to explain, having little energy to try to give her much more. I kiss her again and set her down at her Mama's feet, moving next to our son.
Although he's six, he's not too old for me to scoop him up in my arms as I did his sister.
"Bubba, you take care of your Mama and sissy for me, okay mister?" He nods slowly and I can sense his sadness, which makes my heart break. He really is not used to me being gone yet, and the hesitation in his eyes reminds me that he is too young to understand this just yet.
"Ok, Mommy. We wiw see ya tomowow wight?"
And my heart breaks again.
"No, Buddy. But I will be home in two weeks, and then I have a big surprise for you and Lyla and Mama." I raise my eyebrows as his big blue eyes widen, the sadness momentarily escaping them.
"A sapwise? What is it, Mommy?" I feel his little body grow tense as he hops up and down in my arms.
I chuckle at him and look at Spencer.
The apple did NOT fall far from that tree.
"Son, if I told you it would not be a surprise," I tease him gently as I give him a serious look.
"Aw…MAN!" he groans and I hear my wife laugh loudly at this more than mature response.
"Aw, MAN!" I tease him as I give him multiple kisses on his cheek.
"Mommy!" he giggles as I give him another firm kiss on his forehead. "I love you and I will see you real soon."
I set him down and turn to Spencer, and am a little taken back to see her beautiful blue eyes filled with tears.
"Hey, Bo Bo, take your sissy in to the living room and help her find her new Dora coloring book, okay?" I request softly.
"Ok, Mommy," he replies sweetly as he takes Lyla's tiny hand in his own. "Come on Wywa, let's go cula a picshure for Mommy and Mama, okay?" She smiles adoringly at her big brother and lets him lead her out of the room.
Turning back to Spencer, I see that the tears have now started falling. I swallow the lump that is forming just from seeing her like this and take her hand, pulling her to the front door. Turning to face her I take her face in both of my hands and attempt in vain to wipe the tears away, which are now falling too quickly for me to be of any use.
"Baby, what is it?" I ask her softly, pulling her closer to me.
And she breaks down into body-racking sobs and I cannot do anything but stand there and hold her tightly until she calms enough to pull back and look at me again.
"I'm sorry, baby. I don't know what is wrong with me," she begins in a broken voice.
I just nod as I cup her face again, trying to signal to her that she can tell me what is going on in her head.
"Ash, I just get used to you being here with me and then you are gone again. And I know it's going to be okay…" She takes a deep breath and squeezes her eyes shut.
I feel my heart break all over again, and I cannot find any words of comfort in this moment.
"I just want you to know I love you and I want us to be us." She looks at me seriously and I feel the confusion overtake my face.
"Spence…what do you mean?" I shake my head at her and slide my hands from her face and pull her body tightly into mine. "We are US," I assure her as I kiss her soft lips, holding her there for as long as I can.
Pulling her face from mine, she sighs. "I know, honey, but I feel like all we do lately is fight and make up," she explains, the sadness not leaving her expression for a minute. "And I love making up with you, baby, but I don't want this to be hard. It's you and me, Ashley. It was hard enough for so long, and then it was perfect, and lately, I just…I don't know…" her voice trails off as she looks deeply into my eyes and shakes her head softly.
Why do I have to go right now?
"Baby, listen to me. I know things have been a little tense at times, but remember what I told you in high school when you were struggling with how to tell your parents about us?" I nod my head, urging her to think back to that night in my car in front of her parent's house.
I see a smile begin to creep up on the corners of her lips, and I guess she might be remembering.
How else do you know how important it really is?
…
As I set my bags down in my hotel room in Miami, I take in the somewhat familiar surroundings. I have been here before, on a previous tour, and though it's not home, it's at least not brand new.
I glance at my watch and do some quick, sober math.
It's not too late to call her, I assure myself.
Flipping open my phone, I hit send and slide down onto the bed.
"Hey, baby," I hear from the other end of the country, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
"Hey…did I wake you?" I kick off my shoes and relax back against the headboard.
I have a sound check early in the morning, but at this moment, I don't think about sleep, or anything else but the woman on the other end of the line.
And the country, I think again.
"No, babe. You know I can't sleep until I know you are at your hotel," she reminds me.
I smile at the realization that this is still the case.
"I know. I am sorry it's so late. Traffic was bad. This city doesn't sleep," I inform her with a little irritation.
"Well, I expect you to show me the lack of sleep to be gotten when I get there next week," she teases me and I laugh.
I am going to be in Miami for one show, then Orlando, and then up to North Carolina, before coming back to Miami for two more shows next weekend. The plan is for Spencer to meet me for the second Miami leg, though we have not bought a plane ticket yet. She has to make sure childcare is lined up…a.k.a. Paula and Arthur and Christine are not all suddenly leaving the country…and she also has to make sure Bree can still get out of some family reunion in order to cover another wedding.
And honestly, if I didn't have selfish motives…that being my wife coming to Miami to see me…I'd be a little irritated at Bree's willingness to skip out on a family event to 'be there' for my wife.
But that's another story.
"You think you will be able to make it?" I ask her hopefully as I rise and begin undressing with one hand so I can hold the phone and continue talking to her.
"I think so, babe. The rents are stoked, but I won't know for sure till I talk to Bree next week," she explains me, and I hear her yawn into the phone.
"Honey, you're tired. Why don't you call me tomorrow," I suggest, feeling guilty that I have kept her up waiting for my call.
"No, it's okay, Ash," she assures me sweetly, but I hear another yawn in the midst of her assurances. "I…" yawn… "I'm fine." She breathes out and I know she's not.
"It's okay, baby. Get some sleep. Kiss the babies for me tomorrow and call me when you can," I urge her as I slide back onto the bed, my own exhaustion taking over my body.
"Ok…" she replies slowly. "I'll call you tomorrow. I love you, baby." I hear yet another yawn and all the sudden wish I was there, holding her as she drifts off.
"I love you, too sweetheart," I tell her honestly.
"Hey, wait. Ashley…"
"Yeah, babe?"
"Will you sing me a song?"
I smile as I sit up in the bed. "Yeah, sure I will," I respond. "Let me think…"
I hear her breathing into the phone as I search for words to tell her how I am feeling.
"Okay, you ready?" I ask her as I clear my throat.
"Yeah…" I hear her breathe and I imagine her settling in under the covers.
Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick, sometimes you picture me-- if you're lost you can look--and you will find me after my picture fades and darkness has if you're lost you can look--and you will find me you said go slow-- if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
and think of you
caught up in circles confusion--
is nothing new
Flashback--warm nights--
almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after--
I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear
what you've said--
Then you say--go slow--
I fall behind--
the second hand unwinds
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time
turned to gray
watching through windows--you're wondering
if I'm OK
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time--
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time
I fall behind
the second hand unwinds--
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time
...time after time
time after time
time after time
time after time
I hear her breathing grow heavy.
"Baby, you still there?"
"Yeah…I love you…goodnight baby."
"Goodnight, Spence…"
