Chapter 8: Dawn's Lament
Does anybody even notice?
Does anybody even care?
Elizabeth felt like she was on display and hated it. It wasn't the man or even the environment. It was just that she had spent so much time pretending to be okay that admitting she wasn't even to a stranger was difficult.
Dr. Kevin Collins' office was decorated in soothing earth tones and Elizabeth felt at ease. Kevin's voice and obvious concern further relaxed her. "So, Elizabeth, start at the beginning. Take your time. Just tell me whatever you feel comfortable sharing."
Elizabeth took a breath. "A little over three months ago, my boyfriend had to leave town on business. The first couple of days, I noticed this other man hanging around more. This man, he hates Jason and he's always looking for ways to hurt him so I ignored him. He just kept showing up and it unnerved me. Now I know what he was planning and I keep thinking I should have seen it then. If I had called Sonny or Johnny or Francis, if I listened to that small warning voice inside me, nothing would have happened.
But I didn't. Instead I headed out to Vista Point one night after work. Jason and I used to go there and I was missing him. I thought I would feel closer to him and instead it was the worst thing I could have done. Ri…, the man, he followed me. It was late and there was no one else around. He cornered me and he, he," she gulped in air. "He was talking but I don't remember what he said. I just remember he tore my skirt and he held me so tight he left bruises on my arms and legs and, and breasts. He forced himself into me and it hurt so bad! And all the while he was talking but I was in too much pain to hear him. I wanted it over but he, when he finished, he shoved me down and lifted my shirt. He put his mouth on my chest and then he, he was in me again."
Kevin's heart broke and he placed a hand on her to anchor her to the present. "You're safe now. Take a moment. Breathe."
Elizabeth closed her eyes and continued. "I thought that was the worst he could do. I was wrong. He told me that it wasn't really about me, that Jason needed to pay. He said if I told Jason, Jason would kill him. And there's a letter. Ri…he said there's a letter describing what he did and why Jason would kill him. If he disappears, the letter will be sent and then Jason will end up in prison. I can't let that happen! But all I want is for Jason to know and to hold me and to help me get over this."
The doctor cleared his throat. "It's natural to want to rely on our loved ones at times like this but, Elizabeth, Jason can't do this for you. You are strong and you will heal. I think you should talk to Jason but look inside yourself for answers. It's not healthy to expect him to fix this. You aren't a broken dish that can be glued back together. You are a person and what happened will always be a part of you. It's up to you alone to decide how big a part."
She knew he was right but still felt weak. "The man, he's still around. He won't leave me alone. He's there at the diner every time I work. He knows which shops I like and follows me around. He doesn't usually say anything but he doesn't have to. One look and I'm back at Vista Point. He, he keeps touching me and he's even kissed me a few times. It's like he thinks, God, I don't know what he thinks! I just know I can't move forward while he's always in my face."
Kevin sighed. "That has to change. I know you don't want to involve the police but you should consider a restraining order." Knowing she was exhausted, he moved over to his desk. "Why don't we stop here and pick this up again in a couple of days. I have an opening at ten on Thursday."
Thankful for his understanding, Elizabeth made the appointment and left feeling like some of the weight was off her shoulders.
-gh-
"Have you thought about the restraining order?" Kevin asked.
Liz nodded. "I have but I'm not going to do it. Jason would find out. Sonny has contacts."
The doctor shifted in his seat. "Rape is about power and control. He took those from you. You need to reclaim them in some way. Pressing charges helps some women, support groups work for others. Keeping quiet never works. I know you're scared but maybe you're scared for the wrong reasons."
"I'm scared of Jason spending the rest of his life in prison. How is that a wrong reason?" she questioned.
Kevin relented some. "That's not, if it's the real reason."
Elizabeth squirmed. "What other reason could there be?"
"Sometimes when we have been victimized, we fear it will lessen us in the eyes of our loved ones. Make us seem dirty or unworthy." He could see his point hit home. "That's not true but then fear is rarely based on truth."
Elizabeth was quiet for a long time. "Yeah, I get that."
-gh-
"Do you think it's a mistake for me to, um, be intimate with someone?" Elizabeth asked, stumbling across the words.
Kevin studied her. "That depends. Have you tried?"
"More than tried. Jason and I, well, we have been together a few times. I shouldn't want that this soon, should I?"
"Before I answer that, could you tell me how it made you feel?"
She blushed a bright red. "Good. It made me feel good. While we were, um, you know, during the actual, uh, lovemaking, I wasn't thinking about the rape. It was just about me and Jason and it was good."
The doctor relaxed back into his chair. "Then I don't think it was a mistake. Elizabeth, seeking physical pleasure from someone you love is natural and at the right time can help with the healing process. How did you feel after the intimacy?"
"I was so close to telling Jason everything and that scared me. I'm trying to protect him and he doesn't understand."
"Because you haven't explained. He can't read your mind."
The patient stared at her hands. "Once I tell him, he'll do the very thing I fear most and I'll lose him forever."
The doctor placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "You can't control his actions by withholding information. He loves you and deserves the truth."
Liz let a sigh of frustration. "He hates when other people make decisions for him."
"I think he will be too focused on your pain to be angry at you."
Elizabeth was confused. "I'm not sure that will be any better. I don't want him to pity me."
Dr. Collins shook his head. "I didn't say anything about pity. I know Jason; he will do everything in his power to help you but he won't pity you. He'll see your strength and your courage."
His words made sense and relief flooded her. "Thanks."
-gh-
Monday's session was even more positive. Elizabeth was ready to face the facts. "You said something about support groups. Do you think that would help me?"
Kevin smiled. "Yes, I do. You've kept this bottled up. Talking to me is only the first step toward healing. Meeting other women who have been through similar trials is another."
Liz cleared her throat. "How many steps are there?"
"As many as you need. You're an individual and so your recovery needs to be tailored to reflect that."
"Okay," she said. "I've been thinking about telling Jason. Not the man's identity but, you know, what happened. Emily and Nikolas have been great. Talking to you is helping. The group probably will too. But until I talk to Jason, Ri…the man who did this still holds all the power."
Kevin bit back another smile. His patient was stronger than she thought she was. She was moving forward already.
