Holly woke up with the sun the next morning. She put on a robe and went to sit by the window, hoping that this time alone might allow her to put some order in her thoughts.
This trip to Boston was going to define her whole future.
Here she was with her ex-husband, trying to determine if her fiancé had once killed a woman out of jealous rage. If he was guilty, the next step was easy as far as her heart was concerned: she would walk away. She could not love a murderer.
If he turned out to be innocent, however, her path was not as clear. Since sleeping with Roger, her mind had been working overtime, trying to process what she felt for both men. As the days went by, some hard truths were emerging, truths that she could no longer ignore. One of them was that Daniel had always been more in love with her than she with him. He had been the one pushing for an engagement and for marriage all along, while she could have satisfied herself with the casual dating they did at the beginning.
Why accept his proposal, then? Maybe because it felt good to be wanted again after the debacle with Ross. Maybe because she was tired of being alone. Or maybe, she thought with some embarrassment, because she had wanted to piss Roger off.
As to her ex-husband, her feelings were still muddled.
While watching the sun emerge from the Atlantic, she enumerated out loud what she knew for certain with the hope that it would help her entangle the rest.
"I know that I don't hate him anymore, and I know that I'm attracted to him…and that's all I know," she muttered with a sigh of frustration. She knew that what she was feeling was intense, but she was not ready to recognize it as love. As to the possibility of them ever sharing a future together, it was out of the question as far as she was concerned. She shuddered only to think of the way that people would react if she ever did.
And yet, a small voice said inside of her, did he not prove to you in the last few years just how much he loves you? Was he not the one who secretly invested in WSPR when you could not afford to keep it alone? Was he not the one who had refused to sleep with you out of respect in Acapulco? Was he not the one who had kept silent when you had tried to smother him with a pillow when he had first came back to Springfield?
Would it be so crazy share her life with a man like that?
She shook her head and glanced at her watch. It was time to get ready for their appointment with Doctor Donaldson, the husband of Daniel's late lover. She was looking through the closet for a suitable outfit when there was a knock at the door. She was surprised to see Susan, holding two cups of coffee.
"Mind if I come in?" the latter asked with a smile.
"Of course not! Please do."
Susan handed her one cup and sat on the armchair near the window. She crossed her legs and looked at the view for a few seconds, apparently looking for the best way to begin the conversation. "You must wonder why I'm here," she finally said.
"A little," Holly admitted.
"I'm with Roger on this whole thing, I really think that Daniel has something to hide. The way we handle the next few days will be crucial when it comes to your safety, so it's important for you to be able to trust me. I want us to get along."
"What makes you think that we don't?" Holly said a little defiantly.
"The fact that you look like a woman who fears that I'm sleeping with her ex-husband."
For a few seconds, Holly was too stunned to speak. "Are you?" she finally asked.
"No, I am not. I'm a happily married woman."
"And before you were married?"
Susan shook her head, "Nope, never happened. Roger and I don't have that kind of relationship." She glanced at Holly who was now sitting on her bed. "My! Don't we look relieved!"
Holly reddened, embarrassed by Susan's accuracy. "You never sugar-coat anything, do you?"
"I prefer to call them like I see them. It's pretty obvious that something is going on between you two."
"What did Roger tell you?"
"Not much. He said that he loved you and that he wanted you back, and that your fiancé was a nutcase. Oh, and when we were at the agency he also told me about the things that happened before he fell off that cliff. He didn't sugar-coat that story either."
She glanced at Holly, who was staring at her hands. "Roger was my buddy from the start, he was my first friend at the agency, but I have to say that he has been a regular asshole to you. When he told me what he had done, I was so mad at him that I didn't speak to him for weeks."
She took a cigarette from her purse and searched around for matches. "Oh, and I punched him in the face and broke his nose. You see, someone did to me what he has done to you."
She stopped what she was doing and looked at Holly. The latter swallowed hard to keep inside the tears that were threatening to overflow. She suddenly had a new respect for this strong, no-nonsense woman.
Susan finally found her matches and asked Holly if she could smoke. She then lit her cigarette, took a long drag and exhaled away from Holly. "I won't go into my own story now, but I wanted to tell you how being Roger's friend helped me cope with what had happened to me, as crazy as it may sound. Sometime after our fight, we were assigned to a case together out of the country. We had to make peace because our lives literally depended on it, and so we did. In order to do that, though, I had to understand what could push him to do such a thing."
Holly shook her head. "I don't think that there is anything to understand about it, believe me, I tried!"
"That's what I figured out. We talked and talked about it, but he couldn't come up with an explanation. I think that he still doesn't understand half of what he did in those years. All I know is that the more we talked, the more I saw how he was hurting and how profoundly unhappy he was, and had been for years. In the end, that's what made me forgive for what he had did to you."
She glanced at Holly and took another drag. "Now, I know that it's much easier for me to forgive him than for you. I never saw the guy who raped me, he was a stranger, but if our paths ever cross again I think I might yet just kill him. Probably not, though. You see, talking to Roger also helped me deal with my own anger and my own pain."
Holly clasped and unclasped her hands. "What are you telling me all of this? Besides the fact that you want us to get along, I mean."
"Because I see that you're tormenting yourself about Roger, about whether or not you should give in to whatever you're feeling. I want to tell you that Roger has changed. I saw his evolution first-hand; this guy is not the same that came in the agency eleven years ago. He's much more at peace with who he is, and he had learned to channel his aggressiveness to better purpose. You don't have to be afraid of him anymore."
"I know, not physically anyway."
Susan chuckled. "He can still be a conniving son-of-bitch when he wants to, that's true. It comes in handy with the CIA, but I can understand that it could make a romantic relationship difficult. All I know is that he really loves you, Holly. Only you can bring out the best in him. What you do decide to do with that is up to you."
Holly put her head in her hands. "I'm so confused about everything right now. A few weeks ago, when Roger first came to me with the idea that Daniel was dangerous, I thought he just wanted to get revenge on him, or that he wanted to ruin things for me, because he could not stand to see me happy with anyone else. Now, I don't know. He said that no matter what happened between us two, he wanted me to be safe."
She inhaled deeply and sat up straight. The latter lit up another cigarette with the butt of her first and sat more comfortably. "Then there is Daniel. I feel like I don't know him anymore, and I'm not..." She paused and looked at Susan. "I'm not sure if I love him enough to get married to him, even if he turns out to be innocent. He loves me though, I'm sure that he does."
"So, let me get this straight. You have two men that would lay their life at your feet in a heartbeat. Must be hard being you," Susan said. Holly gasped but then saw the twinkle in Susan's eyes and they both started to laugh.
"I'm sorry," Susan said. "I know that you're in a difficult situation right now, but I find that it helps to de-dramatize things."
"You're right!" Holly said before laughing again. "I don't know what I'm going to do, though."
Susan glanced at her watch and got up. "Well, the next thing that you're going to do is getting ready for our first appointment. It's okay not to have all the answers right now, Holly. Don't worry, life has a way of sorting itself out. You'll see."
"Let's hope so. And Susan?"
"Yes?" Susan said from across the doorway.
"Thanks for the talk."
To Amy: When I first started writing this story, Susan was actually supposed to be Susanne from the show. Then I remembered that I didn't not like her either, and so she became Susan. I just got lazy on the name picking :)
