disclaimer: I do not own the Twilight series. It all belongs to Stephenie Meyer (what an amazing author/woman for creating such a perfect world). I use dialogue from her outtakes and from the actual novels. It is her ideas, with a twist of my own thoughts behind the complex character of Edward Cullen..sigh..

9. THE TRUTH

I lay next to Bella as she slept. This brought back so many good memories. Ones that would haunt me for the rest of my existence if I lost Bella again when she woke.

Bella actually talked very little in her sleep tonight. It tortured me to think of what she was dreaming about. I could only imagine the nightmares she described earlier.

I heard her inhale deeply, so I touched her forehead with the softest pressure. Bella squeezed her eyes more tightly shut. I still had my arms wrapped around her. I knew it would hurt me later, but I would take it gladly. I would do anything to relive this moment.

She sighed, and opened her eyes. "Oh!" she gasped, throwing her fists over her eyes.

"Did I frighten you?" I asked anxiously, as Bella opened her eyes again.

"Oh, crap," she croaked.

"What's wrong, Bella?"

She frowned unhappily. What was wrong? I really wished I could read her thoughts. This was driving me insane.

"I'm dead, right?" she moaned. "I did drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie."

I frowned, too. "You're not dead."

"Then why am I not waking up?" she challenged.

"You are awake, Bella."

She shook her head, refusing to believe me. "Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. If I wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee and Jake…" she trailed off.

"I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare," I tried smiling, but I did not find this situation humorous. "But I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?"

She grimaced. "Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me."

I sighed, content but worried. It seemed that Bella still wanted to be with me. How could she not remember what had happened in the past three days?

"Did all of that really happen, then?"

"That depends." I smiled. "If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes."

"How strange," she mused. "I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?"

Of course, she would think about that, rather than the being massacred part. I rolled my eyes. "Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent."

"I'm not tired anymore. What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?"

"It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours."

"Charlie?" I asked.

I frowned. I did not want to be reminded of the confrontation. It hurt too much. I was forbidden to ever step through the door of his house again. "Sleeping. You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window… But, still, the intent was clear."

"Charlie banned you from the house?" she asked.

I could tell my eyes and face were sad. It was only to be expected. "Did you expect anything else?"

Hereyes were furious. "What's the story?" she asked, surprising me. Everything she did surprised me.

"What do you mean?"

"What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for… how long was I gone, anyway?"

"Just three days. Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing."

Bella groaned. "Fabulous."

"Well, maybe Alice will come up with something," I offered, trying to comfort her.

"So," she began. "What have you been doing, up until three days ago?"

"Nothing terribly exciting." I definitely did not want to talk about this with her. Not now.

"Of course not," she mumbled.

"Why are you making that face?"

"Well. If you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up."

I sighed again. "If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?"

"Nightmare!" she repeated scornfully. I waited for my answer. "Maybe," Bella said after a second of thought. "If you tell me."

"I was… hunting."

"Is that the best you can do?" she criticized. "That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake."

I hesitated, and then spoke slowly, choosing my words with care. This was not going to go well. "I wasn't hunting for food… I was actually trying my hand at… tracking. I'm not very good at it." That was definitely the understatement of the century.

"What were you tracking?" Bella asked, now intrigued. I was afraid of this. I did not want to frighten her anymore. The Volturi had done enough damage on their part.

"Nothing of consequence."

"I don't understand."

I hesitated again. Should I tell her the truth or lie? Right and wrong played before my eyes again.

"I—" I took a deep breath. "I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know that I had no idea. I didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria,"—my lips curled back when I said the name—"would come back. I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize why now—she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him—that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there.

"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice—what she saw herself—when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself"—I shuddered and the gush of words halted for a short second. "Please know that I had no

idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for—"

"Stop," she interrupted me. I stared at her with agonized eyes. "Edward. This has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this… this guilt… rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault, it's just part of how life is for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and not your fault. I know it's your… your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible—think of Esme and Carlisle and—"

"Isabella Marie Swan," I whispered. "Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?"

Did she not remember me tell her that I could not live without her? That there was no point to my world without her? That she was the very core of my existence? Guilt was the last reason why I went to the Volturi.

"Didn't you?"

"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend."

"Then… what are you saying? I don't understand."

"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead," I said with my voice as soft as possible. "Even if I'd had no hand in your death"—I shuddered at the last word—"even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful—I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?"

"The odds…" I muttered then, distracted. "The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again."

"But I still don't understand," I said. "That's my whole point. So what?"

"Excuse me?"

"So what if I was dead?"

I stared at her dubiously for a long moment before answering. She obviously did not remember that day very well, when we were on her couch watching Romeo and Juliet. "Don't you remember anything I told you before?"

"I remember everything that you told me."

I brushed the tip of her lower lip. "Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension." I closed his eyes, shaking my head back and forth with half a smile. "I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

"I am. Confused."

I stared deep into her eyes. "I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be."

I shook my shoulder, trying to loosen her sudden rigid pose. "Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly." I winced. I was prepared to lie for hours to get her to believe me that I didn't love her. It only took a few seconds. Ridiculous. "That was… excruciating."

She waited, still frozen.

"When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye, you weren't going to let go," I whispered. "I could see that. I didn't want to do it—it felt like it would kill me to do it—but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't

love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I'd moved on, so would you."

"A clean break," she whispered through unmoving lips.

"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible—that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry—sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry. But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?"

She didn't answer.

"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept—as if there were any way that I could exist without needing you!"

Silence filled the room again. I shook her shoulder again, trying to make it sink in. How could she believe the lie but not the truth?

"Bella," I sighed. "Really, what were you thinking!"

And then she started to cry. "I knew it," I sobbed. "I knew I was dreaming."

"You're impossible," I said, and I laughed once out of frustration. "How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

Bella shook her head again while the tears continued to ooze from the corners of her eyes down her cheeks.

"You don't believe me, do you?" I whispered. I could feel my face pale even more than usual. "Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"

"It never made sense for you to love me," she explained, with her voice breaking twice. "I always knew that."

My eyes narrowed, and my jaw tightened. What an absurd belief! I was lucky to have her love me, not the other way around.

"I'll prove you're awake," I promised. Then, I took her face between my hands. I ignored her when she tried to look away. I needed to do this. I needed to kiss her.

"Please don't," she whispered.

Then I stopped, my lips just half an inch from hers. She really didn't want to kiss me.

"Why not?" he demanded.

"When I wake up"—I opened my mouth to protest—"okay, forget that one—when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too."

I pulled back an inch, to stare at her face. That explained so much.

"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so… hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be… quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" I whispered.

"What kind of an idiotic question is that?"

"Just answer it. Please."

She stared at me darkly for a long moment. It seemed endless to wait for her answer. "The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you—and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"That's all I needed to hear."

Suddenly, I kissed her with a passion I never had before. I needed her. Every inch. I wasn't as careful as usual, but that was fine for the moment. I could feel her body against mine. My hands touched her face, memorizing it again, as hers were tracing my face.

I could sense that Bella couldn't breathe anymore, so I pulled away. Her heart was soaring, so I lay my ear against it.

I waited for her gasping for air to slow and quiet a little.

"By the way," I said in a casual tone. "I'm not leaving you." No. I would never do that again. I was not strong enough. Besides, my leaving was a terrible mistake. Bella was not any safer without me than she was with me. She truly was a danger magnet and needed a protector. I could do that.

I lifted her face to lock my gaze in hers. "I'm not going anywhere. Not without you," I added more seriously. "I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you—keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving

was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted… what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay—thank heaven for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."

"Don't promise me anything," she whispered, still doubting me.

Now I was starting to get angry. "You think I'm lying to you now?"

"No—not lying." She shook her head. "You could mean it… now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"

I flinched. But no. That wouldn't change anything. I now saw that no matter what I did, it wouldn't help Bella.

"It isn't as if you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it?" Bella spoke again. "You'll end up doing what you think is right."

"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for," I said. "Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was only a matter of time—and not much of it—before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."

She grimaced. "Be serious, please."

"Oh, I am," I insisted. I would do anything to make Bella accept me again. "Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?"

I waited, making sure she was really listening.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason… And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

"Your eyes will adjust," she mumbled.

"That's just the problem—they can't."

"What about your distractions?"

I laughed without a trace of humor. "Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the… the agony. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone—like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you."

"That's funny," she muttered.

"Funny?" How could my pain be funny?

"I meant strange—I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing, too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long. And my heart. That was definitely lost."

I closed my eyes and laid my ear over her heart again. Bella's heartbeat was the most beautiful sound I ever heard. Bella pressed her cheek against my hair.

"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?" she asked again, curious.

"No." I sighed. Back to the subject I preferred not to talk about. "That was never a distraction. It was an obligation."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with… Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil—and really she came here." I groaned. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, worse than my worst fears—"

"You were hunting Victoria?" she half-shrieked.

Charlie's distant snores stuttered, and then picked up a regular rhythm again.

"Not well," Edward answered, studying her outraged expression with a confused look. "But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer."

"That is… out of the question," she choked out.

"It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after—"

Bella interrupted me again, trying to sound calm. "Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave? That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"

I frowned. She was right. A snarl began to build low in my chest. "I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria"—the snarl became more pronounced—"is going to die. Soon."

"Let's not be hasty," she said. "Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."

My eyes narrowed, but I nodded. "It's true. The werewolves are a problem."

She snorted. "I wasn't talking about Jacob. My problems are a lot worse that a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble."

"Really?" I asked. I fought back what I really wanted to say, but criticizing her running around with stupid wolves would not make the situation easier. "Then what would be your greatest problem? That would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?"

"How about the second greatest?" she hedged.

"All right," I agreed. I could not imagine anything.

She paused. "There are others who are coming to look for me," she reminded me in a subdued whisper.

I sighed. "The Volturi are only the second greatest?"

"You don't seem that upset about it," she noted. Very observant, indeed.

"Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again," I added.

"You don't have to be afraid," I said, anxious as I saw tears dew up again on the rims of her eyes. "I won't let them hurt you."

"While you're here."

I took her face between my two hands, holding it tightly while my eyes glared into hers. "I will never leave you again."

"But you said thirty," she whispered. The tears leaked over the edge. "What? You're going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right."

My eyes softened, but my mouth went hard. "That's exactly what I'm going to do. What choice do I have? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul."

"Is this really…"

"Yes?" I asked, waiting for the question.

"But what about when I get so old that people think I'm your mother? Your grandmother?"

I brushed the tears from her cheek with my lips. "That doesn't mean anything to me," I breathed against her skin. "You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. Of course…" I hesitated, flinching slightly. "If you outgrew me—if you wanted something more—I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me."

"You do realize that I'll die eventually, right?" she demanded.

"I'll follow after as soon as I can."

"That is seriously. Sick."

"Bella, it's the only right way left—"

"Let's just back up for a minute," she said. "You do remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me till I'm thirty"—hissing the word—"do you really think they'll forget?"

"No," I answered slowly, shaking my head. "They won't forget. But…"

"But?"

I grinned while she stared at me warily. "I have a few plans."

"And these plans. These plans all center around me staying human."

"Naturally."

We glowered at each other for a long minute.

Then she took a deep breath, squared her shoulders, and pushed my arms away so that she could sit up.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked. It hurt, but I tried not to show it. I doubted it worked, since Bella's heart fluttered in response.

"No," she declared. "I'm leaving."

I watched her suspiciously as she climbed out of the bed and fumbled around in the dark room, looking for shoes. What was she thinking now?

"May I ask where you are going?" I asked.

"I'm going to your house," she affirmed confidently.

I got up and came to her side. She was still fumbling around. "Here are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?"

"My truck."

"That will probably wake Charlie."

She sighed. "I know. But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?"

"None. He'll blame me, not you."

"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears."

"Stay here," I suggested. I doubted she would actually listen.

"No dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home," Bella encouraged as she headed for the door.

But I was there before her, and blocked her way.

She turned around and headed for the window.

"Okay," I sighed. "I'll give you a ride."

She shrugged. "Either way. But you probably should be there, too."

What was she planning? I had no idea what she was doing. "And why is that?"

"Because you're extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views."

"My views on which subject?" I asked through my teeth.

"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know. If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say."

"A say in what?"

"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."