Chapter 9: Starting Point


For all that Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi schemed to put Mei Ru and Du An in the same small kitchen together, an uncomfortable silence stretched between the two lovers for the whole duration of their being there. Though they both knew that they each held the deepest love for the other, and also knew, in their heart of heart, that their love was returned, there seemed to be an invisible barrier between them. On one hand, Mei Ru held on to the belief that she could no long let herself hope of being his, that having married Yong Qi, she could not be worthy of him again. On the other hand, Du An would welcome her back in a heartbeat but held himself back because she held herself aloof from him.

The kitchen was small, which meant that they had to manoeuvre around each other. Mei Ru didn't know how she wasn't driven insane from all the times that her body brushed against him, all the times she had to stop herself glancing his way, and all the times when she couldn't help herself, and looked only to find him staring at her.

Mei Ru felt like her voice had locked cold in her throat. Her mind was numb and she couldn't think of one thing to say to him, though she felt like she should. She remembered the number of times she had sneaked out the house to see him, and how there used to be a time when they could talk endlessly about every subject under the sun. But now…she wasn't the rebellious Mei Ru who defied her father, her family, to keep on that relationship with him anymore. After her father caught her eloping, and had ordered Du An to be beaten nearly to death, she realised that a woman was such a small thing in this world belonging to men. She could struggle, she could rebel, she could disobey, but it only ended up hurting those most precious to her, and in the end, she would still be caught in her father's grip. Time did not spare anyone. Four years had been enough for her to come out of that naïve belief that if she struggled enough she would come free.

Mei Ru was both glad and pained to leave the kitchen, leave him, to bring the food to everyone in the house. Xiao Jian and Chen Tai yi, who had returned with money from his trip to Xiao Jian's house, ate outside in the front room while she brought food inside the bedroom for Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi.

Both Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi were unaware of her pushing the door open. Mei Ru paused in the threshold as she caught sight of them locked in a kiss. A strange feeling rose up in Mei Ru, and she shook herself mentally. It was not as if this was the first time she walked in on them in an intimate position. It was impossible to live in the same house as them without catching a glimpse now and then. So now she wondered why she suddenly was feeling so flustered about catching them kissing. There was also a sudden twinge of longing inside her as somehow her mind drifted to Du An.

Mei Ru pushed these sudden feelings aside as best as she could and cleared her throat, which made Xiao Yan Zi pull away from Yong Qi, looking around, a faint blush on her cheeks.

"You shouldn't be depriving him of air, you know," Mei Ru said to Xiao Yan Zi in a mock chastising tone. "He's going to need it all to recover from the wound."

"Pretty poor attempt to get back at our teasing you earlier, I must say," Yong Qi said, completely unflustered, much to Mei Ru's annoyance.

She shrugged as she set down the tray of food. They were all silent for a while, as Xiao Yan Zi fed Yong Qi his bowl of porridge, despite his insistence that he could fed himself. Then, as she set the empty bowl down and picked up a dumpling for herself, Xiao Yan Zi looked astutely at Mei Ru, who had not really been noticing what she had been eating but staring off in front of her.

"Did you actually talk to him or was all our scheming completely fruitless?" she asked.

Mei Ru shrugged. Xiao Yan Zi and Yong Qi exchanged exasperatedly looks.

"Mei Ru…" Yong Qi began.

"Drop it," she said determinedly. Then, she cleared the finished breakfast things and announced, "I'm going outside for a walk."

Before either Yong Qi or Xiao Yan Zi could stop her or say anymore, she fled the room.

"Aiyah!" Xiao Yan Zi exclaimed. "I really don't know what's going through her head right now. Usually Mei Ru is so alert but today it's like she's lost her head completely. She's been in the clouds every time that someone is not talking to her."

"Well, really, what did we expect, with her stubbornness?"

"How did they meet, anyway, Mei Ru and Du An?"

"Du An is a physician, you know, and as high as his skills are, he treats only poor people for very small fees."

"That would explain why he's so poor. Though where was he when people at Da Za Yuan needed medical care and Liu Qing, Liu Hong and I couldn't get enough money to call a physician?"

"Beijing is a big city, Xiao Yan Zi. Isn't Da Za Yuan somewhere on the opposite side of the city from here?"

"I guess."

"Well, anyway, Mei Ru used to have a maid who was very loyal to her, called Jin Yun. Mei Ru said that for all the people in her family, out of everyone in her house, Jin Yun was her best friend growing up. Jin Yun's father fell ill once, and Jin Yun wanted to go home to see him, but, of course, being sold into the Xi Lin Jue Luo household, there would be no way Zhang Li would let her go off on such a trip. So, under the pretence that Mei Ru was going to the temple to pray, Mei Ru and Jin Yun went to Jin Yun's house to visit her father. Mei Ru met Du An at Jin Yun's house. After that, Mei Ru started to 'go to the temple' quite often, but now to see Du An. I guess her sudden interest in the temple made Zhang Li suspicious and he started having people follow her. He didn't make his suspicion known until he disrupted their plan to elope. After Zhang Li, as well as Mei Ru, thought for sure that Du An was dead, he dragged her back home, dismissed Jin Yun and Mei Ru got landed with Xiao Qiao instead. Until she married me, Mei Ru was constantly under Xiao Qiao's watch, even when she sleeps. I don't think Mei Ru bothered to resist Xiao Qiao then."

Xiao Yan Zi stiffened and narrowed her eyes at the mention of Xiao Qiao. "I guess now Mei Ru will be rid of Xiao Qiao, after…"

Just that moment, Du An walked in with the first dose of Yong Qi's antidote.

"Mei Ru is outside, I think in the garden," Xiao Yan Zi remarked casually to Du An.

"I know," he said curtly. Then, he turned to Yong Qi and said, "Wu Ah Ge, you should drink that directly."

"I will. But really, can we lose the Wu Ah Ge? You've saved my life, it's really awkward to be hearing Wu Ah Ge this, Wu Ah Ge that. If you insist we don't call you Da ye, then we insist you also address us by name."

"I think," Xiao Yan Zi pressed on, "that Mei Ru might want some company." Yong Qi turned away to hide a smile at her determination to get the couple together.

"I assure you that she certainly doesn't want my company," Du An finally said dejectedly.

"How do you know that?" Yong Qi asked, sipping his medicine.

"We were in the kitchen together for half an hour and she didn't say a word to me."

"That doesn't mean she doesn't want you there," Xiao Yan Zi pointed out.

"Trust me, I know that she's not totally happy with me and some of my decision."

"Did you expect her to be happy that you let her believe you were dead, and making her so miserable?" Xiao Yan Zi asked. "She's upset that you thought such a decision was right, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to be with you."

"Look, how about I stop beating around the bush and come out and say this?" Yong Qi said. "You do want a chance to be with her, right?"

There was a silence as Du An gave Yong Qi a long searching look. Then he said quietly, "Yes, but I am not as stupid as to think there is such a chance. When I let her believe I was dead, when I stood back and let her get married, I was very aware of what I was letting go, and I will have to live with my decision."

"And if I were to give her back to you now, a pure and untouched pearl as she was four years ago?" Yong Qi gave Du An a piercing look.

"I think the question is not about me, the question is will she take me back?" Du An asked softly.

"The question is can we convince her to admit to herself that she does." Xiao Yan Zi smiled.

Later, after Du An had left them alone, Xiao Yan Zi looked at Yong Qi and smiled.

"I guess I'm giving away my 'Huan Zhu' title, am I not?" she said.

"No, this just gives a whole new meaning to 'Huan Zhu'. You, on the other hand, are my Huan Zhu." Yong Qi tweaked her nose.

"Really? I was under the impression I was Huang Ah Ma's Huan Zhu."

"That, my love, was really Zi Wei, not you," he pointed out.

Xiao Yan Zi exhaled slowly. "Well, at least we're at some sort of starting point. We've got one of them, at least, to admit their feelings."

"I don't think it's hard to get them to admit their feelings. It's harder to convince them to do anything about it."

"Is it just me or does this have some sort of parallel with what we went through?" Xiao Yan Zi shook her head and asked.

"I think it's just you," Yong Qi said with a smile, to which she rolled her eyes.

Mei Ru, it turned out, had resorted to trying to avoid Du An, Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi all at the same time. This, of course, was an impossible plan as the house was tiny and Mei Ru herself couldn't resist being close enough to look at Du An. The next day, Xiao Yan Zi sighed heavily as she managed to drag Mei Ru into the bedroom so that Yong Qi could talk to her. Shaking her head to herself, she closed the door behind her to go join Xiao Jian, Chen Tai yi and Du An in the main room to discuss Yong Qi's healing progress.

"All right, I should have known you two would do this. Can we get this over with?" Mei Ru said huffily.

Yong Qi observed Mei Ru for a long time, then said quietly, "You know, Mei Ru, it's all right to admit that you're scared."

Mei Ru opened her mouth, couldn't think of anything to say, closed it, and looked away. There was a long silence. "I am not scared," she whispered stubbornly when Yong Qi didn't say anything but just continued to look at her.

Yong Qi gave a small laugh, "Then why are you acting like I did when Xiao Yan Zi came back? I pushed Xiao Yan Zi away and refused to tell her my feelings because I was afraid to face my feelings with all their strengths, because I knew how they would uproot my life and I was afraid of how it would hurt me as well as her. Now, you are pushing Du An away. What is worst for you is that for all you do, Du An knows that you love him, or at least, loved him. Xiao Yan Zi had no such idea when she still didn't have her memories. Don't you think you're hurting Du An more than I hurt Xiao Yan Zi by being silent around him when he desperately wants to know what you're feeling right now?"

"So if I take back everything I said to you when you were being stupid about Xiao Yan Zi, would you leave me alone and let me be stupid about Du An in peace?"

"No, and you know I won't," Yong Qi said with a smile. Then he sobered. "Mei Ru – "

"Four years…four years is a long time, Yong Qi," she cut through him. "Things have changed, I've changed, he has changed. We can't go back to the way things were before…I can't just pick things up where we left it off, just like that…"

"I didn't say you could," Yong Qi said gently. "And it wasn't three long years for me and Xiao Yan Zi? You really can't grasp as I do how much Xiao Yan Zi had changed over the years. Mei Ru, our perspective on life, our way of thinking, our hopes, our dreams have all changed, for all four of us, but that doesn't mean that our feelings changed. You know as well as I do that no matter how much our lives were turned upside down these few years, our feelings were the only thing that stayed constant. You are right, both you and Du An can't just pick things up where you left them. You both will need time to be comfortable around each other again. But Mei Ru," he took her hand and gave her a sympathetic smile. "You're not alone anymore. That is one change for the better, isn't it? You're not in your father's grip anymore; you don't have to plan your escape alone. There is more hope for success now, you know. Han Xiang was in even a bleaker predicament than you and we still managed to free her. Nothing is impossible, Mei Ru, you just have to want it enough to not be afraid to try it again."

"I don't want to think about it…I don't want to consider it…the consequences are too dire, on Du An, on your reputation, if things went wrong," Mei Ru shook her head.

"My reputation?"

"Yong Qi, you must know the kind of gossip that would rise if anyone knew that I – well – eloped with Du An."

"Well, I had more in mind of a well thought-out plan that could have no way of going wrong so that it doesn't become universal knowledge," Yong Qi shrugged. "Mei Ru, will you quit worry about me, or consequences, or anything just now? What you need to get straight now is what you want, truly, irrevocably, and whole-heartedly want, no matter how we might go about achieving it or the consequences of it. As I said, nothing is impossible, but nothing could be done unless you want it enough to cooperate."

"Of course I want it," Mei Ru whispered, "but…"

"But nothing!" Yong Qi said firmly. "Honestly, Mei Ru, there are ways to make things happen." He sighed. "You know what your problem is, right now, that you're refusing to tell him how you feel or consider the chances that you could have?"

"Do you?" Mei Ru retorted, immediately regretting as she realised that she had fallen for his bait.

"I know you, Mei Ru. All this about the consequences and worry about how it would affect the rest of us doesn't bother you as much as you yourself. All these years you've locked up your heart, you've pushed away all the pain and heartbreak that losing Du An put on you. And I can't blame you for doing that, because I know what that pain is like. All this time you've tried not to feel and you've put up that barrier up around you to protect yourself from hurt. Now you're afraid to break down that barrier, you're afraid to trust your heart again. You're afraid to take the risk, to feel too much, because you are afraid to be hurt again."

Mei Ru looked away, and both of them knew that Yong Qi's words had hit a bit too close to home.

"I don't deserve this, I am not worthy of him anymore," Mei Ru said quietly, staring at a wall, her eyes blurred with tears.

"So what are you going to do? Spend the rest of your life being miserable, knowing he's also miserable, and driving yourself insane with knowing what you could have? It's not going to work like that, Mei Ru, and I won't let it happen like that."

There was a silence. Then:

"So…what?"

"So consider a way out," Yong Qi said simply.

Before either of them could say anymore, there was an urgent knock at the door. It opened to let in Xiao Yan Zi, Xiao Jian, Du An and Er Kang.

"We have a bit of a dilemma," Er Kang announced.

"Don't we always?" Xiao Yan Zi muttered under her breath.

"You know," Er Kang said, turning to Mei Ru, "if there's one thing I have to admire your father about, it's the fact that he's got this undying perseverance."

"Well, this promise to be a nice, comfortable and enjoyable discussion," Mei Ru muttered.

Er Kang took a deep breath, then said:

"All right, first things first. Xiao Qiao. Huang Ah Ma was present when my father questioned her. Chen Tai yi was correct in his analysis of what was in the soup, that the soup really did contain a substance called Hong Hua Fen, which would have caused dire harm to Xiao Yan Zi if she consumed it."

"Wait, where is Chen Tai yi?" Mei Ru interrupted.

"He's in the kitchen, watching over the medicine," Du An answered.

Xiao Yan Zi looked at Yong Qi questioningly. He shook his head at her.

"Anyway, Xiao Qiao did confess to putting the Hong Hua Fen into Xiao Yan Zi's soup. But she was insistent that no one ordered her to do, that the whole plot had been her own plan."

"Stupid girl," Mei Ru muttered and shook her head.

"So consequently, we had no evidence to prosecute anyone other than Xiao Qiao in this situation."

"What do you mean, we have no evidence to prosecute anyone else?" Mei Ru exclaimed heatedly. "How likely is it that a maid like Xiao Qiao would have any incentive to do something like this, unless she was given an order from someone else? It's obvious that there's someone behind this."

"And if someone were to insist that you were the one behind this?" Er Kang asked back. "Mei Ru, cases like this, there's some extremely delicate issues involved with high stakes. If we insist that there is definitely someone higher behind this case, then Xiao Yan Zi is right, the suspicion falls more on you than anyone. Even if it's obvious to anyone who knows the three of you that you wouldn't do anything like this, it's not to the rest of the world. You insist that your father is behind this, maybe he is, I am not about to agree in public with you, whatever I think. But whatever our suspicions are, we can't openly accuse your father and he is not likely to admit he is behind this, is he?"

"Er Kang is right," Yong Qi added. "Your father is a high ranking official at court, accusing him of anything is not something to do lightly. Besides, for something as serious as this, we can hardly accuse him without substantial evidence, and that we don't have. If Xiao Qiao insists that she is acting alone in this, and we can't find any hard evidence of your father, or anyone, having a hand in this, we can hardly accuse anyone."

"That's ridiculous, though," Mei Ru complained.

"Mei Ru, think about it," Xiao Jian said. "Assuming that your father is really the one behind this, do you really honestly want him to be convicted? I think we all agree that he's not exactly the nicest person in the world, but he is your father. This is a serious offence, Mei Ru, it is likely to affect the whole of your family. You can't say you don't care that disaster is going to fall on all of your family if it is discovered that your father has something to do with this."

Mei Ru opened her mouth to start to say something then the force of Xiao Jian's words hit her. She closed her mouth, furrowed her brows in a frown and sighed.

"Why are you pointing this out to me?" Mei Ru asked Xiao Jian in confusion. "It's your sister's well being at stake here."

"Because you learn to appreciate whatever family you have when you grow up without one," Xiao Jian said simply.

"It's not even a question or whether we want to prosecute anyone other than Xiao Qiao, as we don't have any evidence to prosecute anyone other than Xiao Qiao," Er Kang said.

"So what happens now?"

"Well, Xiao Qiao is locked up in Zhong Ren Fu, and obviously will not escape a death sentence. She is lucky that she doesn't have surviving family, or they'd be driven to death with her as well, " Er Kang reported with a sigh. Then he paused and looked around for a moment. "Anyway, I told Huang Ah Ma that you were staying at the home of a friend."

"Now that we're a bit less panicky, it astonishes me how Huang Ah Ma didn't press for who Du An is and where he lives," Xiao Yan Zi mused.

"Actually he did. When I came to the palace to report Yong Qi's condition to him, Huang Ah Ma was most insistent on finding out the details of Du An's background and I told him some small white lies. I couldn't very well tell him that none of us except Mei Ru have met him before. I think Huang Ah Ma believed me though. Anyway, Huang Ah Ma is under the impression that we know Du An through Liu Qing and Liu Hong..."

"…who I have never heard of," Du An pointed out.

"You will probably meet them after I get through explaining the rest of things that are going on in the palace," Er Kang said. "Now that the person behind Xiao Yan Zi's poisoning attempt is revealed," – here he paused and added, in after thought – "some what, there's still the matter of who ordered the assassins on Yong Qi. To put it plainly, again, there is no evidence to accuse anyone. All we have to work on is the arrow, which is not enough. Though…though I do have a hunch on who might be behind this."

"And your hunch is…?" Xiao Yan Zi queried when Er Kang didn't continue.

"That's irrelevant," he replied dismissively.

"Irrelevant? Somehow I don't think you have as many hunches as you have educated guesses, Er Kang," Xiao Jian said.

"That's not the point, the point is that no matter what my hunch or my educated guess is, we…"

"…don't have enough evidence," Xiao Yan Zi finished exasperatedly and huffily. "This is ridiculous. It's so unfair."

"Welcome to the real world," Yong Qi said, rolling his eyes. Xiao Yan Zi glared at him.

"Anyway, we have some problems a little closer at hand right now that might be a little more pressing. Mei Ru, what did you tell your father about where you are?"

"Xiao Gui Zi told him that we were staying at Hui Bin Lou, why?"

"Well it would seem that your father moves much quicker than I would had expected. I think he must have had people follow Xiao Jian, Xiao Yan Zi and I as we left the palace to come here."

"How do you know that?" Mei Ru asked, startled.

"Because he approached me this morning and asked some questions about where you three were and dropped some hints that suggested that he knew where you were staying and that he knew that place was not Hui Bin Lou. Also when I came here I made a couple of detours and found evidence that this area may be under watch…most likely from your father's henchmen, since I caught a glimpse of someone who could be Ma Lin, Zhang Li's head eunuch, around this house."

Mei Ru pursed her lips together, closed her eyes and slowly let out a breath.

Xiao Jian asked her, "I take it your father believed that Du An is dead all these years as well?"

"Yes," Mei Ru answered.

"And now that he knows that I am alive, he'll want me dead," Du An added off-handedly.

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is our problem at hand right now," Er Kang said. "And I suggest a solution."

"Where does Hui Bin Lou come into any of this?" Xiao Yan Zi asked.

"I'm coming to that. Think, right now, with Yong Qi and Mei Ru in the house, I doubt that Zhang Li will take any drastic actions on Du An's life just yet. Whoever it is that Zhang Li wants harmed, I think we can safely conclude that Mei Ru and Yong Qi are not in the list. The real threat will only come, I expect, after we leave here. Which is why I suggest, after Yong Qi is ready to move back into the palace, that Du An also vacate this place." Er Kang raised up a hand as he sensed Du An was about to protest. "Trust me, you are one man, and I know you must know that Zhang Li can deliver an army of men here to finish you off. You will not survive alone. However, if you come and stay with our friends at Hui Bin Lou, you will be much safer. For one thing, Hui Bin Lou is a public place, and you will be in constant company of other people. It will be much harder to attack you there. Also, Hui Bin Lou is conspicuously known as our favourite haunt in town. Zhang Li will think twice before attacking such a place so well-connected to us for fear that the attack will be traced back to him."

"Do I have to point out that I do not know your friends?" Du An asked.

"Oh that's definitely not a problem," Xiao Yan Zi brushed his concern aside. "Liu Qing and Liu Hong are practically used to harbouring people with a 'problem' in their house."

Xiao Jian, Er Kang and Yong Qi all laughed. "What exactly do you mean by 'people with a problem'?" Xiao Jian asked.

Xiao Yan Zi shrugged, "Well, there was Zi Wei who was the Emperor's daughter who had a sworn sister who was impersonating her in the palace, then there was Meng Dan who was the lover of one of the Emperor's concubines, then there was Xiao Jian who we guessed to have a problem very early on as he refused to tell us his real name. Then we discovered that he had a deadly grudge against the Emperor which in the end he thankfully let go of. Actually, Du An, I think compared to all of them, your problem is actually simpler and less life-threatening."

Er Kang shook his head but said in amusement. "Honestly, Xiao Yan Zi, I think you're the only person who could make a joke out of things like this."

"She does have a point though," Yong Qi smiled. "But I think, Du An, that your staying at Hui Bin Lou is definitely a good idea, as you will be a much easier target to attack if you continue to stay here alone. At least, you can keep yourself alive at Hui Bin Lou till we…come up with a more permanent solution to this whole situation." He looked pointedly at Mei Ru as he said the last part.

Mei Ru, who had all this time had her eyes closed, slowly opened them and met Yong Qi's eyes. Then she said slowly but determinedly, "I agree."

Yong Qi smiled in satisfaction while Xiao Yan Zi, Xiao Jian and Er Kang exchanged a surprised look.

"I have a question, though," Xiao Yan Zi spoke up. "Even though it will be harder for Zhang Li to attack Du An at Hui Bin Lou, we don't exactly want to flaunt it to him that Du An is at Hui Bin Lou. If this house is being spied on, how will Du An make the move to Hui Bin Lou without making it obvious to Zhang Li that he was leaving the house?"

"The same way I managed to sneak out of jail," Er Kang said simply. "From how I see it, I don't think Zhang Li will waste much time after Yong Qi had left the house to attack Du An. I think the best way would be to have Du An accompany you lot out of here, and I will stay to stall Zhang Li's men. Once they recognise me, I doubt they will kill me. At least, I don't think they will be that stupid. Meanwhile, you can take a detour to Xiao Jian's house where can drop off Du An and he can go to Hui Bin Lou from there while you stay there to hold off whoever may be following you."

Yong Qi looked at Er Kang in amazement. "That's it?"

"What do you mean, that's it?" Er Kang asked.

"Er Kang, that has got to be the floppiest plan I've had from you for all my years of knowing you."

"Floppy?"

"Yes! I can think of a million things that can go wrong with that plan of yours. For one thing, we are assuming a lot of things here. Don't you think that if this house is being spied on, don't you think whoever is watching us will recognise that the person leaving with us is not you, but Du An? How are we going to explain to anyone why are even taking a detour at Xiao Jian's house in the first place? And how do you know they won't attack you anyway when finding out you're not Du An? What's saying that we're not being followed even as we leave here and how will Du An make it to Hui Bin Lou unscathed if we were?"

"Well, I suggest you set out from here at dusk, which means it will be quite dark, making it hard for anyone to recognise that Du An is not actually me. Also travelling at dusk will give you an excuse to detour at Xiao Jian's house. As to your being followed, well, do you honestly think Huang Ah Ma will let you go from here to the palace without sending some dozens of guard escorts considering it was an assassination attempt that got you here in the first place? Actually, I am under instruction to come back to the palace tomorrow to bring the guards here to guard this place for the duration of your stay here. I only managed to convince Huang Ah Ma to let me come here today to warn you of his sending a small militia here before they actually come. When you leave, some of the guards can remain here with me and that will ward off the attacks should they decide to attack me anyway. Du An doesn't necessarily have to go Hui Bin Lou straight away but can lie low at Xiao Jian's house for a while. I'd suggest he stay at Xiao Jian's place altogether but I reckon it's more convenient at Hui Bin Lou. Of course, all of us will have to exercise a lot of vigilance and have a backup plan. I've learned that while we can plan these kinds of things, when it does happen, we'll have to be on our feet and ready to be spontaneous because things never go as we expect them to."

"I agree with that last part," Xiao Jian said. "But I think we can only really know what we could best do as the time comes nearer for us to leave. Sitting here and planning this now doesn't exactly help."

"Though it would help if we did have a plan," Yong Qi pointed out.

"Yong Qi, can you leave the planning of this to us? You stay alive and we'd all be eternally grateful," Er Kang said.

"I take it as an insult that you don't think I'm capable of worrying about this right now. And I'll point out that I am alive," Yong Qi said.

"Well, I'm flattered, not many people get to insult you." Er Kang said, rolling his eyes.

"So where are you going to be during all this?" Xiao Yan Zi asked Er Kang.

"Well, once the guard entourage gets here, I'll go to Hui Bin Lou to tell them about the situation. I'll be fleeting in and out of here, but I will be around in case some one tries to murder you all in your sleep."

"That's not half as funny as it could be considering it could come true, you know," Mei Ru pointed out. "Are we done, though?"

"Pretty much, why?"

She turned to Du An and said quietly, "Can I talk to you, outside?"

Du An looked around and saw that Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi were exchanging a smug look, and both Er Kang and Xiao Jian were trying to keep neutral faces. "Erm…of course."

The four others watched as the couple made their way out of the room. There was a short silence as the door closed behind Du An. Then Xiao Yan Zi burst into giggles.

"Do they think they will actually talk to each other now instead of dancing around each other like nervous kittens like they've been doing ever since we arrived here?" Xiao Jian asked, smiling.

"Well, let's hope so," Er Kang said. Looking at Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi, he added, "I thought you two were stubborn, but they're even worst. I recognised this and I went away for a whole day!"

"Remind me thank Zhang Li then," Yong Qi said with amusement. "I think something about what he's plotting may have been the push she needed to get out of her stubbornness."

Xiao Yan Zi shook her head, grinning. "I'm sure he'd be glad to know he had been able to help his daughter in her happiness."

Soon after that, Xiao Jian and Er Kang left Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi alone.

Xiao Yan Zi sat on the edge of bed silently looking pensively at the wall opposite her.

"What's wrong?" Yong Qi asked.

"Nothing." She sighed. "Just thinking…"

"About…?"

Another sigh. "Xiao Qiao."

"Xiao Qiao?"

"Hmm…"

Yong Qi looked at her suspiciously. "You are not feeling bad for her, are you?"

"A bit."

Yong Qi looked at her in astonishment. "Since when did you start channelling Zi Wei? Xiao Yan Zi, she tried to harm you, and kill our child."

Xiao Yan Zi bit her lip. "I know what she did. And I would never be able to forgive her if she succeeded. But…"

"But?"

"But don't you think she's a poor girl, really? I mean, to be under the power of someone like Zhang Li must be terrifying. What choice does she have really, except follow orders? She must have her own desperation."

"I'm not disputing what you're saying but mustn't there be some moral involved even with following orders?"

"I don't know…how can we judge if we're not in her position?"

"You can't tell me you'd do something like what she tried to do to you, no matter what was at stake."

Xiao Yan Zi looked at him, "Would you, if it were my life at stake?"

"No, I'd rather die first than do something like that or watch you die knowing I can't do anything to stop it. There are worst things than death, you know, and one of the worst would be living and having something like that on your conscience."

"That's all very well now but you can't really know until you really are in the situation, can you? I mean, you can hypothesise now, but how can you really know what you will feel until you are put in that situation? It's like…it's like your making the decision to not tell me about us when I lost my memory. You have your reason for it but to me that reason is completely unreasonable and stupid and I can never understand it. But to you it's different."

"That's different from this, Xiao Yan Zi," Yong Qi shook his head.

"Different how?"

"I believed I was doing you good. Or at least I convinced myself that I was. How could anyone convince themselves that there was some good in killing an unborn child?"

"You convinced yourself you were doing me some good by hurting yourself and annoying virtually everyone around you. Xiao Qiao could have convinced herself that she was doing Mei Ru some good."

"By killing a child?"

"I get your point," Xiao Yan Zi said in frustration, "but can't you see what I'm trying to say? That we might be looking at the situation from a biased point of view and we don't know why she did it?"

"Xiao Yan Zi, it's incredible. You've always been one to take things at face value. How is it that you start diving into analysis now, and about something like this?"

She glared at him. "Oh, thanks."

He smiled for a moment and squeezed her hand. Then he turned serious again, and said, "The point is, no matter what the reason is, it still doesn't make what she tried to do right, fair, or just. No matter what standpoint you're looking from."

"Right or wrong is relative."

Yong Qi let out a frustrated groan. "How is killing an innocent child relatively right? Any child, not just our child."

Xiao Yan Zi couldn't think of answer to this question. "I never said what she did was right, though," she argued stubbornly.

"Then we are arguing a moot point. What she did was wrong, she knew what her punishment would be if she were found out and she did it anyway. She could have made things a little easier for herself by saying who ordered her to do it and why she did it but she didn't. There is no one to save her now. End of story."

"That doesn't mean she isn't to be pitied."

"But there's a difference between pitying her and letting her go unpunished."

"I never said she should go unpunished. I just feel bad because she made such a stupid decision and has to die for it. That I should be the cause of it." Xiao Yan Zi sighed heavily. The she pushed Yong Qi back onto the bed and said decisively, "But what's done cannot be undone. We're arguing in circle with this, you need to rest."

Yong Qi smiled and shook his head. "I'm not complaining."

Meanwhile, Mei Ru and Du An walked out into the garden.

Mei Ru stood in front of Du An, her arms crossed protectively around herself and stared out in front of her for a long time.

"Have you ever wanted something so badly but there's something inside you that is holding you back and you have to fight that something desperately to convince yourself to go after what you want?" She asked quietly, still not looking at him.

"Yes. You," he answered.

"Have you ever known something but try so desperately to deny it from yourself then there comes a time when you realise that it's impossible to be in denial because it's too obvious?"

"Yes. That I love you."

Mei Ru whirled around to face him, her eyes shining with emotions.

"So why is it so hard for me to admit to myself what I want?" she exclaimed. "When both the choices I have now seem to me like selfish choices, why can't I just take the choice that I want? Why is it that every time I feel like letting go, something has to hold me back and I don't even know what that something is?"

They stared at each other for a moment, then Mei Ru diverted her eyes away and whispered resentfully, "Why does Yong Qi have to so right now, of all time?"

"What is he right about?"

"That I am scared. That…I know what my feelings are…but…I can't seem to let myself cope with them. That I'm scared to."

"What are your feelings?"

A long silence. Then, "I love you, and I want to be with you."

There, she said it. She'd gambled it all now, by laying it out there on the open. Never had Mei Ru felt so exposed in her life, and just by stating out loud what they both, and everyone else, knew.

"Why are you saying this now?" Du An asked grimly.

Mei Ru was so startled at his tone that she couldn't answer. He turned away from her at the silence, and said, in an equally dark voice, "Is it because you resent what your father is doing and this is some way to get back at him? Is this your way of punishing him for what he did to Huan Zhu Ge Ge, because he can't be punished another way? If your father didn't order your maid to poison your friend, would you still be stubbornly keeping your feelings to yourself? Do you really want to be with me or is that just a reason to defy your father, Mei Ru?"

"How could you think that?" she asked, shocked. "How could you doubt that I love – "

"I don't doubt that you love me," Du An interrupted her abruptly. "I just doubt your reason for admitting it when these couple of days you have been refusing to, even to yourself. You are not admitting your feelings because of me, Mei Ru, you are admitting them because your father drove you to a point of wanting to defy him again!"

"Or is it because my father drove me to the point of being able to push aside my fears to reach out for what I want?" Mei Ru retorted heatedly. "Because what he nearly did to Xiao Yan Zi made me realise that these four years, when I did what my father wanted me to – marry Yong Qi – I was just submitting to his will, and in the process I was losing myself. I lost everything that made me who I was, once, when I thought I lost you, when you made me think you were dead. And now, to be thrown back into your presence like this, do you know what it's like for me, to suddenly realise you're alive when all this time I thought you were dead? And I keep asking myself why, why we have to go through all this. I don't know what we have to do now to get past this painful situation we're in, because I don't even know what there is left of us, of our relationship anymore."

There was a long silence, then Mei Ru said, more softly, "You're right, I finally admit my feelings now because what my father is doing is driving me to admit them. But this is not for the sake of getting back at him, but to get myself back to who I was before I lost you. I still remember what it was like, then, to live my life around you, and I want to find that life again, because I only realised, now that I've admitted my feelings to myself, how much I missed it. How much I missed you. If I were to walk away from you now, you know life for both us will only be that much harder after this. My father's perseverance, as usual, wears out mine. If I remain where I am now, it doesn't just make the two of us miserable, but puts Yong Qi and Xiao Yan Zi in danger of my father's ambitions as well, and I can't put them in that position."

He looked at her, still serious. "So what is left of us now, Mei Ru? How could we pick things up again? Could this work, Mei Ru?"

"You don't think it would work between us again." She made this a statement but there was a pleading questioning tone in her voice, as if begging him to contradict what she just said.

His voice softened, "No, I am asking how we could make it work again. It's…it's been so long. Could we go back to what we had before?"

"No," she whispered. "And you know we can't. But we don't necessarily have to go back to the way things were before. We can start over."

"Can you forgive me enough for us to start over?"

"On two conditions. Firstly, if you will forgive me for marrying someone who is not you."

"Considering all things between the two of you, I don't think that will be a problem."

"Secondly," she said softly, stepping closer towards him and looking up at him tenderly, "promise me you will never, no matter how bad things are, no matter what the risks were, no matter what was at stake, let go of me again."

He didn't answer immediately but took a step towards her. They were now standing very close together. There was a long, yet somehow, comforting silence.

"I promise."