Chapter 9 - It's not for you
Rejection - The dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc.
Ah, rejection. The one thing many of us humans fear. It's a feeling which we can understand, at times people could work days or even weeks leading up to the proposal which ends up being turned down. No matter how perfect we attempt to live out our lives, it's inevitable that we would face rejection in multiple different ways whether it would be being rejected by someone you have a crush on, being rejected by a job you applied for or even something minimal like being denied a idea you brought up in class by other classmates or the teacher. One could say rejection is the most devastating thing to hurt us emotionally. Once again, it's understandable. Different people obviously react to rejection in different ways. Some people never recover from rejection and end up staying in their rooms all day while others are able to wear a smile on their face and pretend it never happened. No matter how you slice it, being rejected will hurt anyone. Just distracting yourself never fully helps. Rejection is the only thing which stops people from expressing their true feelings towards one another. We truly don't want to be turned down by anyone.
But people have to understand, rejection is not necessarily always a bad thing.
Just like everything else in life, rejection could be used as a experience to help us make better choices later on. No, I do not mean "better choices" by never proposing to anyone for the rest of your days, I mean proposing to the right people in the right way. Maybe if you get rejected a job you could ask the manager why you didn't get employed? You could figure out what you need to improve on yourself or maybe if they say "we just found someone better" at least you don't lose anything. It's better than not knowing why. Same thing could be said for confessing someone. From being rejected myself, I was able to better understand other people's true nature which I feel ended up helping me tremendously later on. I probably would have made more embarrassing and heartbreaking choices if it wasn't for that rejection back in middle school.
Maybe if you get rejected you could take it as a signal. You could believe the famous saying "everything happens for a reason". If you get rejected by someone after confessing them, maybe it means you were never right for them. If you apply for countless jobs and get rejected by all of them, maybe it's a signal telling you that you need to spend your time doing something else rather than working.
With those 3 questions, I initially only rejected the first one. Actually I take that back, she interpreted my reaction as a rejection. Just thinking back about it really sinks my heart. At least in that situation rejecting her may have hurt me as badly as it hurt her. I never truly knew how it felt to be on the other side of the stick being on the rejecting side. I really wonder where would I be now if I accepted her.
I said "initially" as with the second question I pretty much rejected her a lot later on in a different way. I now feel I should have rejected her right at the start, knowing what happened a lot later on or what was happening.
I ended up with the person I am with now due to the second question. If I didn't go through that "toxic" relationship with the second girl, I might not be where I am now but for some strange reason I truly feel we were truly destined together. No matter how I responded to those 3 questions differently, I feel I would have ended up with her at the end.
Looking down I immediately realised what she was trying to tell me.
Between my legs my fly was right open, exposing the face of my dark blue underwear to the outside open world.
My brain played an imaginary scene of Yukinoshita saying the sentence:
"I realised the zips on your trousers were open"
That had to be what she was trying to tell me. It clearly explains why she seemed so uncomfortable. I would be uncomfortable as well if Haya… no someone else, Zaimokuza was hanging around me with his fly wide open.
I zipped it back up faster than anything you can imagine.
How long has it been open for? Since I went to the bathroom back at the karaoke? How many people have seen?
As I asked myself those questions, countless embarrassing worst case scenarios started popping up in my head.
I dropped my head lightly on the table out of embarrassment. Followed by me covering my eyes.
I want to die I want to die I want to die
"Hikki… are you okay?"
Yuigahama looked at me with a semi-weirded out expression.
Yukinoshita looked at me in a similar way, just not as dramatic.
You know damn well why I'm like this!
After a few seconds I felt like I put myself back together so I tried to look normal as possible.
"Don't worry it's nothing" I said in the most natural way possible
"That's weird… anyway Yukino back to what I was saying"
We ended up staying in the cafe for another hour and it didn't feel like a "final club meeting" at all. The usual event of Yuigahama just chatting on with Yukinoshita continued as it did with any other meeting but every once in awhile Yuigahama, being the kind girl that she is, constantly attempted to include me in the conversation in some way. After we left the cafe the three of us walked over to Yukinoshita's apartment to say our goodbyes for the day. One strange thing I noticed about Yukinoshita was that she still seemed a little awkward towards me. Even with my stupid fly right up. Anyway, after our parting with Yukinoshita, Yuigahama asked me if I can walk back to her house with her. As I couldn't find a reason to say no, I said yes.
It was well past afternoon at that point. The weather that day was half decent as there was some wind. The fresh smell of spring was freely rooming the air. Again a weird feeling hit me. The thought that it was the last day for me to wear this Sobu uniform and the thought that all these high school moments were soon going to become just a plain old memory just weirded me out. Me and Yuigahama continued to walk in silence without too much distance from each other.
"Hikki, can we walk through the park?" Yuigahama said out of nowhere. She continued "It's around the corner, the blossom trees should look great around this time." As she pointed ahead.
I couldn't really say no, not that I needed to.
"I wouldn't mind." I replied to Yuigahama.
Yuigahama looked back at me with a bright smile, teeth showing.
We continued on walking towards the direction she pointed at earlier. As we turned the corner I was immediately stunned by the beautiful scenery I was looking at.
What usually was just a boring old park was now a beautiful piece of scenery, with all of the trees magnificently displaying its rich, pink, natural decorations.
A fairly long and narrow concrete path went across the park, with a long row of cherry blossoms trees to keep it company by its side.
Without saying much the two of us went on the path.
There was a very slight but noticeable comfortable atmosphere in the afternoon air. Yuigahama continued to walk by my side in silence. I honestly didn't really know where we were going but I trusted my pink haired companion to know the directions.
Come think of it, when was the last time I was alone with Yuigahama?.
As we carried on walking on the path a fairly strong piece of wind whizzed past, pushing against the trees. The peaceful sound of the branches and leaves rustling filled up our ears. As the wind carried on doing its thing, I took a glance at Yuigahama.
Her smooth, short hair flowed along with the wind, revealing her bright cheek and her soft rounded earlobe. Those eyes she owned peered straight forwards. Her soft looking lips giving off the slightest smile.
My heart beat twice for a second.
Was Yuigahama always this beautiful?
"Hikki, is something wrong?... you're looking at me weird…" she said slightly leaning forward.
"No no it's nothing." I quickly said without hesitation.
We were maybe around a quarter way through the path when she asked me.
"Hey Hikki…. do you think we can still meet up even though we are adults now?" Yuigahama said in a way that I could tell she was choosing her words carefully. You could count all the times she talked that way on one hand.
"You already know what I feel about those types of things." I said. "You know, back on that trip."
Yuigahama angled her head slightly downwards, she wore a small smile but her eyes suggested the opposite.
"I know, I know but still…" she replied. "You know I really liked everyone I came across, at our school, in our class, in the service club…. Everything felt so special to me. It's strange, I didn't feel this way back in elementary or middle school… I felt like things were going to be this way forever but now that it's possibly all over, it just makes me a little bit sad…" Yuigahama continued to look down. "Haha… sorry was that weird?...' she carried on as she looked back at me with a awkward smile.
"If all of us never see each other again, there's nothing anyone can do about it. We are all going to go our own separate ways, we are all going to see new places and interact with new people. It's just too unrealistic to imagine our class is still going to be on the same terms with everyone for the coming years." I answered with my honest thoughts. "It's also not a good thing to try hard to keep relationships together when you are away. As we change, it just becomes a burden to keep in touch with people you used to know."
As I finished Yuigahama bent down to pick up a small stem of one of the cherry blossoms which had dropped onto the ground. As she held it near her face to inspect it, it seemed to me like I was looking at a photograph from some magazine. The bright, white and pink cherry blossom suited Yuigahama's aura almost too well.
"Hikki…. I understand that. But at the least, I really wish our service club members still stay in touch in some way." Yuigahama said.
Even now, at present day, although I am 26, more than 8 years later, I still remember that scene very clearly. After remembering about Yuigahama again, the scenery of that park pops into my mind non stop. If I had better painting skills, I feel like i would be able to create a painting almost identical to the park scene I saw that afternoon.
"You know, honestly Hikki. That class we were in felt "good" to me, with all of our great classmates, but our service club, with you, me and Yukinon felt "special". Special at least to me. I feel like I'll never meet any two people like you and Yukinon. At least I don't want to, since it might take out the "special" feeling I have towards our club."
Admittedly, I was a little bit touched by those words for some strange reason. I can't explain it well.
Another piece of wind came past, this time a lot stronger.
The angle of the trees slightly swayed to the right in reaction to the wind. The branches shook and rustled like it was waving its hand violently.
As the wind carried on, a small group of cherry blossom petals came towards my face, making me stop squint my eyes. As I did so I heard a faint moan from Yuigahama.
Brushing off the petals in my hair I looked over to her.
Yuigahama's hair was filled with petals, far more than mine.
"Sigh… what a annoying wind." She said in a innocent way as she attempted to brushed her hair lightly.
As she stopped I noticed she still had a couple of petals on her hair.
"Hey" I said. "You still have a few here, here and here." I pointed at different points on my hair to demonstrate where they were.
After looking at me in a expressionless state she put on a hesitant smile.
She held her hands behind her back as she faced me. Leaning forwards, bringing her head close to me.
"Can you…. take them off?"
I pulled my head back a little bit out of embarrassment.
"Um.. ok" I replied.
I began taking the petals off her hair. As I did so I realised she had closed her eyes. It was only then I noticed she had very long and well shaped eyelashes.
I never noticed they were so long…
As I carried on removing the petals, for some reason a part of me wanted to take more time.
Anymore…. no.
"Done" I said after removing the last one.
Yuigahama tilted her head back up and looked back at me in the eyes.
"Hehe.. thanks, Hikki!"
We carried on walking after the short exchange. As I looked straight forwards I knew we were at least more than halfway through the path.
"Oi, Yuigahama. I am being honest here." I said. You were always the shiny person out of everyone. You have something inside you which attracts good people. Something you can't teach. For a popular girl like you it's pretty much guaranteed you are going to meet more and possibly better people. At least better than a lone wolf like me." I finished
Yuigahama looked at me in a slightly surprised fashion.
"Thanks Hikki but are you fine just admitting you are a lone wolf?" She said. "Are you just going to be completely fine even if you don't make any more friends or anything?".
"Hey I'm not implying that. I've done things alone for a long time and I don't intend to change anything. Back when I was a kid I used to care too much about how I looked but now I don't care. I'm going to walk my path in my own way. Again society looks at guys like me as "weird" but again, I can't care less."
After I finished we both stayed silent for a moment.
"Hikki… I'm gonna try my best." Yuigahama said.
What?
"Try your best at what?"
"You are right. It's better to walk your path on your own way. I'm gonna do things that way from now on. I might have done and chose things based on what others did, but from now I'm gonna do things by what I choose alone." Yuigahama said. "And Hikki, I never said this but there are things I admire about you. Like what you said before. Not caring what others think. You don't let other people's opinions bother you one bit. No matter how many or how badly. Like after the school festival. Everyone was against you but you didn't let any of it get to your head."
Wow, Yuigahama complimenting me?
"Urghh… That's kind of embarrassing, saying things that way."
We were at the end of the path now. Out of the whole park, this place, where we were now had the most blossom trees. The empty benches were scattered around all over the grass.
Yuigahama and I stopped.
"Hey Hikki one more thing." Yuigahama said. "Actually two"
"What?"
As she stood in front of me she faced her body towards mine.
It was clearly dusk at that point. The sun was on its way to saying goodbye for the day. For some reason the sunset seemed especially magnificent that time. Everything was soaked in a brilliant orangey red colour. My hand, Yuigahama's face, my shoes, the world. As if some special kind of fruit juice had splashed down on everything. The light of the sun filtered through the trees branches creating different shades of red and orange on the grass and the concrete.
"I understand that our club might not meet ever again, but even so, I don't want any of us to forget it." Yuigahama said. "Obviously, I'll be a little sad if we never meet each other as a group again but at the very least, I'll be happy if all of three of us, in our hearts, keep the memories tucked away in a special place. Even when I'm a lot older I want to look back on all the times the three of us had together. I want this for you and Yukinon as well. I'll be more than happy just knowing my existence still has a place in Yukinon's and Hikki's hearts. Even though I don't remember you saying anything about loving our club, I know deep down, that you do. Please, Hikki. Don't forget about the connection you, me and Yukinon had."
I was left in slight awe, not expecting Yuigahama to say something that sounds like something straight out of a famous movie.
"I understand. I said as I smiled. won't forget. I have a sharp memory in some aspects."
Thinking back to that conversation now, it's too ironic. Yuigahama clearly told me not to forget about her or the service club but after the scooter accident, I had forgotten about her for over 6 years. When I talked to Yukinoshita back at the family restaurant it really hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt extremely bad for her. Almost burst to tears myself after remembering the last time I saw Yuigahama. Not only did I hurt her badly, I couldn't fulfill her request she so badly wanted me to carry on. I felt extremely guilty for not remembering her for so long. That day, even after I hurt her, I swore to myself I'll at least fulfill her first request but I couldn't even do just that. Yuigahama had completely faded away from my memory.
"Thank you Hikki" said Yuigahama. "Hehe"
As she chuckled lightly, she skipped off the concrete path and went standing on the grass, under one of the trees.
"The other thing now" She said. "Come here Hikki" She said as she gestured her hand for me to come closer.
Without much in mind, I followed what she said and stood by her under the tree.
Looking up the look of the cherry blossom branches, being shined through by the light of the dusk sun looked amazing. I was left in slight awe.
Yuigahama pulled on my sleeve, grabbing my attention.
She turned around, facing away from me.
Huh?
"Hikki turn around."
What?
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Please, just do it Hikki"
I took one quick glance at Yuigahama, before turning around making both of our backs face each other.
"Yeah ok I've turned around, now what."
"Close your eyes."
Inside my mind I considered asking for what reason, but I figured she will just tell me to do it again.
I sealed my eyes shut.
"And Hikki relax, don't tense up your face, just lightly close your eyes." I heard from behind me. Letting me know Yuigahama still had her back towards me as well.
"Ye.. yeah ok"
I listened to her and gently closed my eyes, in a relaxed way like I was sleeping.
…..what were we doing again?
I thought to myself.
In what type of gesture or good luck game, does it require two people to look away from each other, and close their eyes?.
….
We both stood like that for maybe 10 seconds.
Another light wind whizzed past.
The rich, relaxing sound of the branches, peacefully rustling filled up my eardrums again. This time, from up above as we were standing directly under it. Although I did not have my eyes opened to see, I could clearly imagine in what fashion the branches swayed in reaction to the wind.
I heard a odd sound on my right.
?
I felt something.
?
As I felt it, I also felt a soft touch around my neck.
….
The slightest twinge went through my entire body. From the top of my head to the bottom of my toes.
I was met with a indescribable but very pleasant and "nice" smell.
The rustling sound carried on but this time a lot, lot slower.
?
...
The world fell away.
There was a very soft and kind sensation brushed against my lip.
I reopened my eyes.
….
Yuigahama's face was right by mine. Her beautiful eyes closed, those long eyelashes showing. Her well shaped nose above her soft, small lips.
Her soft, small lips which were making contact with mine.
In a millisecond my entire body got hot.
My brain felt as if someone had poured gasoline on it and lit it with a match. The warmth quickly spread throughout my entire body.
For the first time in what felt like a long time my mind was locked into the present.
I
…
I was
…
I was kissing
….
I was kissing Yuigahama
….
My first kiss with Yuigahama
…..
No, my first kiss with anyone.
I finally realised what was happening.
We were so close the hot breath coming out of her nose, entered mine. It smelt good.
She moved her hand onto my left cheek.
She tilted her head to a slight angle and pushed in more. Her hand on my cheek giving her more support.
Something small and wet gently tickled its way through the tiny gap in between my lips.
She slipped her tongue into my mouth.
Our tongues touched as I heard a slight moan from her. She still had her eyes closed.
The world around me became unfocused as it all blurred.
Her arms reach up and tangle around my neck.
She breathed sharply and initiated delicately.
I had no idea how long we maintained that position.
Her beautiful eyes opened, staring right back at mine. She eventually pulled her face away slowly, separating our lips.
I breathed in and out heavily.
Without noticing, it seems like I held my breath the entire time.
Yuigahama touched her lip with the tip of her fingers lightly.
"Hehe… I'm gonna lose it if I keep carrying on…." She said.
I was left in numb, strange state.
I felt extremely dreamy.
Did me and Yuigahama just kiss?
….
Am I dreaming?
A part of me just expected to wake up in bed as usual.
But it didn't seem like that was the case.
My heart started to calm down.
"Hikki" Yuigahama called out.
Her face was no more than 15cms away from mine.
She looked at me with a happy but serious expression.
"I love you Hikki." She said with the words flowing out her mouth.
My heavy hands were shaking.
A confession.
The act of admitting something.
It was happening to me right now.
Someone was confessing to me right here right now.
In Japan, a pink haired girl was confessing her feelings to one of her now, former classmates.
Yuigahama Yui, admitted her true, genuine feelings towards Hikigaya Hachiman.
Yuigahama told me her inner feeling towards me.
That she loved me.
Yuigahama slowly came closer as she placed her hands on my chest, resting her head onto my shoulder.
Everything felt more and more dreamy.
I looked around myself for what seemed like the first time in forever.
I didn't see anyone else at the park.
Or
Maybe I couldn't see
Maybe my eyes and my mind just ignored everyone and everything around me.
I couldn't see 100m ahead.
Everything out of a 100m radius from where I was, had vanished. At least in my eyes.
I saw a world only consisting of me, a couple acres of grass, a few blossom trees and most importantly, Yuigahama.
Everything else in the world was the orangey red colour I saw before.
The sky, the everything.
Like we were inside a page of a picture book.
The trees began to sway again.
What was strange was that I couldn't hear any of the rustling I heard earlier.
It was almost dead silent.
There was only one noise I heard.
I could only hear Yuigahama's soft breathing as she carried on resting her head on my shoulder.
Is this what it feels like to be asked out?
IMPORTANT NEWS EVERYONE PLEASE READ
First of all Thank you to everyone who is still reading. I decided that I'm going to write and publish 8mans past on a seperate fic since there is a high chance it will be much longer than this one.
It will pretty much be a whole separate story on its own so I want to make it so that new readers can enjoy it without reading this fic.
So what I plan to do is:
-Write maybe 3-5 more chapters to this fic
-Start and finish the story explaining everything in detail about 8man and Yukinoshitas past
-After you guys, the readers understand everything up to this point, I will wrap up the whole story on this fic.
Please I want to know, what was the best chapter in your opinion? and what did you think of this chapter?
Again thanks to everyone, hopefully I finish the next chapter by the next U.S election ;)
