Chapter Nine: Christmas

Christmas itself came pretty quickly, and Jane and John were about equally excited. It was true that they didn't have a conventional household, but that didn't stop them from having wonderful Christmas mornings. Jane was gifted a new Ron Swanson poster and a DVD set of Columbo, among various baking utensils, and John got a magic kit, as well as a book on paranormal lore and The Dummy's Guide to Computer Programming. His friends had also given him gifts, but he refrained from opening them in front of his family, as it seemed rude that he'd gotten more presents than them (plus he was pretty sure he could guess at least two of them). However, after they'd wrapped up—or rather, unwrapped—opening the gifts from under the tree, John took his three remaining presents into his room. As John had predicted, the box from Dave contained a mixtape full of whatever Dave was working on and a SBaHJ card.
hey so not to be overemotional sappy trash but youre a pretty cool guy. i mean youre not actually cool youre like the biggest dork to ever dork but youre really chill and basically my best friend. i couldnt do much for christmas this year cause of the situation and all but here are my sickest rhymes. dont blame me if the sick fires are so hot your headphones spontaneously combust.
-dave
Okay, that was actually pretty sweet, John thought. He moved on to the next one, a box wrapped with a silver-white snowflake-patterned wrapping paper and a lilac ribbon John could guarantee had been deemed "elegant" by a certain Miss Lalonde. Inside the box, after John ripped it open, he found what looked like a knitted hat in an overly plush, soft yarn. He picked up the note.
Merry Christmas, John. I'd been mulling over what to do about Christmas presents for a bit, and after deciding to do homemade presents this year, I remembered you in particular always seem to get cold this time of year. Now, a scarf would be more in my repertoire but I felt you might appreciate this a bit more.
-Rose
John put the hat on. It was really soft, and it looked like Rose had used smaller needles than she typically did, as the stitches were very close and tight, for maximum warmth. It was true, John often complained in the winter about the tips of his ears getting cold, especially with the metal of his glasses. There was only one more gift left, and that was the one from Jade. She'd explicitly warned him not to shake it, as he was one to do, and that warning only made him more curious, but he'd managed to refrain until that moment. Inside the box (which was quite haphazardly wrapped, quite similar to the ones John had given to his friends) he found a small glass bowl, filled a little less than halfway with soil, and it contained 3 small plants—succulents, John thought—and a yellow salamander made out of clay. It was adorable.
Merry Christmas John! Guess what—these plants are some of the last ones I brought from the island. I gave a terrarium to Dave and Rose as well, so we can all raise some! I thought it would be cool if we were all able to grow them at the same time. I guess succulents aren't really in season but oh well! Hope you like it :)
-Jade
John smiled. His friends were far too kind to him. He took the hat back off, set the succulent down on his desk, and put Dave's disc in the computer to rip the songs into iTunes before darting downstairs, already feeling the warmth of the oven hit him about halfway down. Jane was in the kitchen.

Jane's favorite thing about the holidays was getting to bake about a dozen different recipes with her father, and usually her uncle as well. John, however, entered the kitchen with much contempt.
"John, come decorate the sugar cookies with us!" Jane said, smiling at her cousin. John squinted at her, held up the can of frosting, and investigated it.
"Betty Crocker," he hissed. "Disgusting. Are the cookies her brand too?"
"No, John, I made them from scratch."
"Good," John muttered, taking one of the unfrosted cookies from the cooling rack and biting into it. "Your recipe is way better anyway."
"John! Those are for family!"
"I am family."
"You know exactly what I mean."
John simply stuck out his tongue at his cousin before taking another bite into the cookie. To her credit, Jane Crocker was one hell of a baker. And John didn't even care for baked goods, typically. He hated the copious amount of Betty Crocker products in the house, but Jane was heir to the company. He couldn't blame her for actually using the product. Jane, however, was more invested in decorating the cookies than bickering with John. She knew there wasn't much time before their grandparents showed up, so she went back to her work. John simply tried to stay out of the way, but he did snatch another cookie before plopping onto the couch with his phone in his hand. The group chat was beginning to go off a bit, now that (John assumed) everyone had done the obligatory Christmas Morning events. There was always a bit of a lull between unwrapping presents and extended family showing up.

gardenGnostic [GG] opened a memo in group: sex drugs and shrek

GG: merry christmas guys!
EB: christ, i forgot our group chat was named that.
GG: courtesy of mr. strider :P
TG: you guys talking shit without me
GG: nooooo of course not
TG: sarcasm really isn't your bag is it
GG: i'm sorry we can't all be as cool as you mr. coolguy mcsunglass pants
TT: Ignoring my cousin for the moment, how is everyone's mornings going?
TG: up yours lalonde
TT: I trust you all received your presents.
EB: yeah! thanks so much, rose, it's super warm
EB: i actually just finished opening all three of the presents
EB: they're so nice!
GG: aw im glad you like it john!
EB: actually dave i haven't listened to the music yet but the note was nice
TG: jesus dude i give you the gift of sick ass beats
TG: something actually not dorky to listen to
TG: and this is how im repaid
TT: Don't be so melodramatic.
TG: you telling me not to be melodramatic is the highest point of irony ive seen in a month
TG: and coming from me that's a pretty big fucking deal
EB: i hope you guys like your gifts too
EB: i'm kind of terrible at shopping
GG: i haven't opened it yet, gram-gram said jake and i had to wait to open all our presents until grandpa gets here
TG: gram gram
GG: yes.
TT: Dave, I take it you and Dirk will be joining us here at the Lalondes' for dinner?
TG: jesus fuckin
TG: yeah
EB: have fun guys!
EB: my dad's gesturing for me to get off the phone now
EB: he probably wants me to pointlessly clean something
EB: so… merry christmas!

"John, can you make sure the bathroom is clean? You know how Nana is," his father requested. John groaned a bit but ultimately nodded, and moved to get the cleaning bucket out of the spare closet.

After John finished the chores requested of him, he cleaned himself up a bit, wanting to look a bit more presentable. He combed his hair a bit and put on his blue collared shirt from Homecoming, just as someone knocked on the door. He heard his uncle call, "I got it", and grabbed his phone before leaving his room.
Christmas was a relatively slow affair, just a lot of chatter as family members slowly made their way in and appetizers were put out. John didn't have a lot of contribution to make to the conversation, so he spend a decent amount of time flicking through different apps on his phone (even though his father chided him). Eventually, Pesterchum went off.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY

turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo.
TG: what
ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo.
EB: hey, i am here.
EB: oh, hi dave!
TG: hey
EB: what is going on in here?
TG: some kind of asshole rumpus looks like
CG: Everybody shut the fuck up, I hate you both, etc. etc. etc.
CG: Now that the pleASANTRIES ARE OUT OF THE WAY, THERE IS IMPORTANT BUSINESS TO DISCUSS.
TG: why are you typing in all caps
CG: MY FINGER SLIPS ON THE BUTTON FROM TIME TO TIME.
CG: BUT SHUT UP.
CG: THIS MEMO IS NOT ABOUT WHICH GUY CAN MANAGE TO BE THE HEFTIEST DICKBAG TO ONE ANOTHER.
CG: IT IS NOT ABOUT WHICH ONE OF US WILL MOST DECISIVELY TAKE THE OTHERS TO SCHOOL, WHERE THEY WILL RECEIVE A VAST HELPING OF "OH SNAP" RAMMED DOWN THEIR THROATS.
CG: THIS IS AN IMPORTANT CONVERSATION WHICH I BELIEVE NEEDS TO TAKE PLACE HERE AND NOW, SO YOU WILL BOTH SHAPE YOUR SHIT UP AND PERHAPS BEGIN TO APPROXIMATE PEOPLE WHO AREN'T EXCRUCIATINGLY RETARDED.
TG: ok later windbag
CG: STRIDER FUCK OFF
CG: AND BY FUCK OFF I MEAN FUCK OFF RIGHT BACK HERE AND LISTEN, YOU INSUFFERABLE PRICK.
EB: yeah, dave, don't go!
EB: i think we should listen to what he has to say.
CG: YES, LISTEN TO HIM, DAVE.
CG: AS DUMB AS EGBERT IS, HE IS SMARTER THAN YOU.
CG: BUT I'M SMARTER THAN BOTH OF YOU AND WHAT YOU REALLY NEED TO BE DOING IS LISTENING TO ME.
CG: SO DAVE, TRY TO KEEP ALL THOSE SICK FIRES CHECKED AND THOSE STOIC LIPS PURSED FOR A GODDAMN SECOND
CG: AND TAKE THIS SIMPLE BIT OF FRIENDLY ADVICE:
CG: STOP HITTING ON TEREZI IMMEDIATELY, IT'S FUCKING EMBARRASSING TO WATCH.
TG: nah
EB: haha, dave you're hitting on terezi? Really?
TG: no
TG: but whatever he thinks im doing im not going to stop
TG: the guys jealous obviously he thinks his girlfriend has a thing for me and you know what hes probably right
TG: but what else is new just another lady mackin on me whatever chance she gets
CG: OH, HA HA! IF SMUG WAS A MOTORCYCLE, IT JUST JUMPED OVER A FUCKING CANYON.
CG: THE CROWD GOES WILD WITH DISMAY, AND THEN COMMITS MASS SUICIDE.
EB: karkat, is terezi really your girlfriend?
CG: GUESS WHAT THIS CONVERSATION IS ABOUT! NOT THAT PARTICULAR TOPIC.
CG: ALSO GUESS WHOSE BUSINESS THAT STILL ISN'T, FUCKING YOURS, THAT'S RIGHT.
TG: pretty sure she is
TG: or he thinks she is or something
TG: why else would he be in a tirade about this
CG: ROMANCE IS MUCH MORE COMPLICATED THAN WHAT YOU UNDERSTAND.
TG: right
TG: sounds like its time to get a clue she is over you dude
EB: this is such silly drama
EB: who cares, jeeeeeeeez.
CG: YES, EXactly. Who cares?
CG: Which brings me to a related point of business.
CG: John, don't think I didn't notice how many E's you just typed.
CG: That's got to stop too.
EB: what does?
CG: Stop flirting with Vriska. I'm fucking serious.
EB: what!
EB: no way. vriska's cool, i'll talk to her all i want!
CG: You jackass, you have no idea what you're getting yourself into.
CG: She's dangerous, and you're blundering right into her hypercompetitive mindfuck.
CG: You are both fucking hopeless, I give up.
TG: k then bye

Another chat popped open on John's screen.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: dont tell karkles i said this
TG: but he might have a point about vriska
TG: she definitely paralyzed tav and also i think is the one who blinded terezi

John didn't answer, just frowned at the screen. He had no idea how far back everyone's past went. Maybe she was dangerous. He went back to the memo.

CG: You don't get it.
CG: I do acknowledge that as much as it makes me sick to my stomach, these girls are clearly flirting with both of you pretty hard.
CG: The fact that they have swept you both into their sick games is sadly what makes this obvious. It's what they do.
EB: oh gosh
TG: what dude i thought you liked her
EB: i don't think i have ever actually liked a girl before in that way so i am not really sure what i am supposed to feel or do…
CG: Somehow I regret even bringing this up.
TG: you just sound bitter
TG: not like you actually have our best interests at heart
TG: i bet one of them rejected you
TG: probably tz
TG: or both
CG: FUCK. OFF.
TG: haha wow bingo
TG: see how i look right now that's a poker face might want to take some notes
CG: First off I CAN'T fucking see you.
CG: Second off even if I could, I guarantee all I would see is a coward behind dark eyewear clearly designed for women and a pair of impudent lips pursed so tight it'll sound like air squealing out of a balloon when I punch you in the gut.
TG: oh god stop talking about my lips thats the second time
TG: ok youre clearly gay and youve probably got some issues about it

There was a long pause, nobody so much as typing in the memo. Normally, Karkat would have blocked everyone. After a while, one last message appeared in black.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] has closed the memo

Once again, another conversation buzzed in John's phone.

arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

AG: Hi John.
EB: oh, hey there, vriska.
AG: John, are you mad at me?
EB: um…no?
AG: Then what's the matter?
EB: i dunno, i should probably be socializing with my family.
AG: I never understood how you're so sentimental.
EB: yeah, i know.
EB: but how do you feel about your family?
AG: It's just my sister and my mom.
AG: And I never liked my mom that much.
AG: Things have been pretty chilly between us. I spend most of my time avoiding her. Haha.
EB: that…
EB: is too bad.
AG: John.
AG: Are you suuuuuuuure you're not mad at me?
EB: no!
EB: why would i be mad at you, vriska?
AG: Because of the way I acted last weekend!
AG: We haven't exactly talked since then.
EB: oh. Right.
EB: i…actually almost forgot about that!
AG: Would it help if I said I was sorry?
EB: why would you need to apologize to me though?
EB: i mean, tavros deserves an apology more than me i think…
EB: we were all pretty confused about it.
EB: uh…
EB: are you there?
AG: Yes, I am here.
AG: Sorry, I wasn't sure what to say for a moment.
AG: I am relieved you are not angry with me.
EB: heh, i don't really think i have much reason to be angry.
AG: I don't know, John. People resent me a lot but you seem to get me.
AG: That's why youre special.
EB: shruuuuuuuug!
AG: 33333333
EB: so…
EB: is that what you wanted to talk to me about?
AG: Yes.
AG: Well.
AG: Not exactly.
AG: John, I do really bad things.
AG: I know I do.
EB: well, how do you feel about it?
AG: Horrible!
AG: But I don't want people to think I'm weak.
EB: oh…
EB: i guess i understand.
AG: Do you?
EB: i don't know, it sounds like growing up was pretty rough for you.
EB: you have to act tough to make it, in your mind, and have a sense of how to fight, right?
AG: Uh, yeah.
EB: i think if you feel bad, it just means you have a conscience.
AG: Yeah, but I've done bad shit before and never felt this awful!
AG: Like, growing up I had to steal from people just to get food in the house.
AG: My mom held my well-being hostage, basically.
AG: God, I know how this sounds! But it was my responsibility to feed everyone!
EB: i guess that is why you didn't get along with her?
AG: Hell yes.
EB: i see.
AG: Yeah, but I never felt anything about it. It was just normal life for me.
EB: but you finally hurt a friend, and… not so cool anymore?
AG: Yeah. OH!
AG: Ok, that's not quite right. I accidentally-on-purpose fucked up Aradia.
AG: Man, I always forget about her.
EB: uh.
AG: And, yeah, I pushed Tavros down the stairs.
EB: …
AG: But man, that was years ago.
AG: I was always really obsessed with being the best at stuff, and I guess I was such a confused kid!
AG: I am sorry, John, I'm just trying to be honest with you.
EB: ok, well i appreciate the honesty.
EB: but i have to go.
EB: it's time for dinner.
AG: Okay
AG: Bye, John.
AG: Merry Christmas.

ectoBiologist [EB] has ceased pestering arachnidsGrip [AG]

It was half true. It was just about time for everyone to sit down for dinner, but John tapped out one more message to Dave in the other window, the one he'd initially ignored.

EB: i think you guys might be right about vriska :/
TG: yeah and
TG: i think karkat just asked me out.