"You're working?" John asked, surprised as he entered Jennifer's room.

"Reading." Jennifer corrected, putting the file down.

"Fun or educational?" John questioned as he walked up to her bed.

"Educational." Jennifer said as John picked up one of the files. As he opened it and saw she was reading his old Kolya based mission reports his face fell and he said.

"I kept meaning to talk to you about this and try to explain things."

"What's to explain? We were in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Seeing how you've read the mission reports you know there's more to it than that." John pointed out. "The fact you're reading them shows that you need there to be something more to it than that."

"I'm reading them as Cam said I would understand why you're blaming yourself if I read them."

"He did? And do you?"

"No. Kolya was insane and his brother no better. His brother chose an action that would cause you pain. And I was used to get to you." Jennifer said as she shifted on her bed, the movement causing her to wince in pain.

"He would have used whoever I had been with." John said. "He wanted me and was prepared to attack those I cared about. You were hurt because of me. Had I dealt with Kolya at the start none of this would have happened."

"If you'd handed over Atlantis none of this would have happened." Jennifer pointed out. "But that's not a life anyone would have wanted."

John paused as he considered Jennifer's outlook before saying.

"I'm so sorry for what happened to you. If I could make it up to you I would –"

"What happened isn't your fault." Jennifer cut in. "But if you really want to make it up to me you can stop blaming yourself."

In response John half smiled but remained silent, prompting Jennifer to say. "Cam said you weren't attending your therapy sessions."

"Cam says a lot." John responded.

"He also said you're at risk of being thrown off the programme."

"Did he?" John asked, wondering what had possessed the Colonel to burden Jennifer with John's problems.

"Is that what you want?" Jennifer probed.

"Honestly? I wasn't sure. I thought I was better off being here. I actually thought I could help you recover by being here. I was so caught up on what I thought was right I didn't realise I was hindering your recovery until Teal'c pointed it out." Seeing Jennifer was about to speak he quickly continued. "But I've spent the last few hours with Teal'c who has made realise a few things."

"Like?"

"I belong on Atlantis. And right now I'm letting everyone down."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am. You are blaming yourself for my guilt and not talking about what happened to stop me feeling guilty. Rather than helping Teyla find her people I'm here, not doing all I can to return and then there's Ronon and Rodney. I said things to both of them I shouldn't. So back to your original question, no I don't want to be kicked off the programme and knowing that has at least giving me some direction."

"But you still blame yourself?" Jennifer asked.

"Anyway you look at it I was responsible for your safety. I let you down."

"Do you blame me for Dr Weir and Corporals Jones, Miller, Davis and Captain Daniels?" Jennifer asked, listing a handful of those she had lost since becoming CMO.

"Of course not. You did all you could to save them." John said. "But you still blame yourself don't you?" He asked turning it round on Jennifer.

"Hard not to." Jennifer confessed.

"That's the thing with guilt isn't it. From the outside it looks completely unjustifiable, but on the inside there is no escape." John commented. "But as Teal'c drummed into me that doesn't mean you should let your guilt dominate."

"You were sparring?" Jennifer asked.

"Meditating, kind of." John said, causing Jennifer to look confused. "So, how about you?" John asked. "Before you say you're fine remember I've just been honest with you, the least you can do is be honest with me. And don't try to hide things from me."

"After the Bola Kai I couldn't sleep. Every time I shut my eyes I was back there, I could see their faces, smell their breath. It was all so real. I thought it'd be like that this time, but it's not. I don't remember the beatings, maybe I don't want to. I vaguely remember the cell, but what I do remember is the feelings. Pain, fear, feeling lost. I wake up scared, but don't know why. Sometimes it feels like it's too much to handle." She answered, almost whispering at the end. John reached over and silently squeezed her hand. Before he could say anything Jennifer looked up and asked. "How did you cope after Todd?"

"How do you mean?"

"He fed off you, nearly killed you. I know physically you were treated immediately but you must have remembered the feedings."

"I still do." John confessed. "But I used the memories as motivation to train harder so I could avoid being in that situation again. The memories of the pain and the feeling of weakness are still there, they'll never go. But it does get easier." John assured her before a comfortable silence descended. It was John who eventually broke it when he offered. "Here's the deal. I'll start going to my shrink sessions, if you open up in yours."

"I'm not sure I can. It's like there's a wall and I'm afraid what's on the other side. I'm afraid that if I try to remember what happened I won't be strong enough to face it."

"Trust me doc, you're strong enough." John said. For a while another silence descended the room before Jennifer asked.

"Will you come with me….just to a couple."

"I'll come to as many as you want."

-00-

"I'll admit I may have been wrong about you." Carolyn conceded from the corridor as she watched John and Jennifer. "Whatever you said had some affect. In fact what did you say?"

"I just told her Sheppard was in a bad place and mission reports help with self pity." Cameron shrugged.

"You told my patient who has been subjected to torture to pull herself together and help Colonel Sheppard?" Carolyn asked angrily.

"It worked didn't it?" Cam asked as he walked off.


A/N: Thanks for reading and reviewing. Next chapter up tomorrow.