"It is finished."

I gasp loudly and my eyes open. My heart is racing and my head is pounding. I'm so confused. I focus to see Duncan and Alistair standing over me. I lay a hand at my breast and feel my heart race.

"Welcome." Duncan says and they back away. I slowly sit up, my hand crawling to the back of my head as the tight band around my forehead seems to grow tighter. I still feel a bit dizzy. When I stand, I wobble a bit and Alistair and Duncan reach for me, but I brace myself on the table behind me. My hands are shaking when I bring them to my face. I'm still alive...still breathing. I'm not nine again and I'm not reliving my life back in Highever.

"Two more deaths," Alistair says, a somber look returning to his face. "In my Joining, only one of us died. But, it was...horrible," Alistair pauses and looks me dead in the eye. Even though I'm dreadfully weak and full of pain, my cheeks flare up and run across the bridge of my nose. I can feel the heat. "I'm glad at least one of you made it through." He looks away again, breaking the eye contact. I look away myself, the tears threatening to burst. I'm upset, horribly confused and horribly in pain. But I won't cry. Not here, not now.

"How do you feel?" Duncan asks, concerned. I snap my attention back to him and give a slow shrug.

"This was...worse than the Harrowing. I...I can't believe you killed Ser Jory." I murmur, recalling the sword-fight and the eventual death of Jory. The sounds...the blood. Oh, it's all coming back...

"Jory was warned there was no turning back; as were you all. When he went for his blade, however, he left me no choice. It brought me no pleasure to end his life. The Blight demands sacrifices from us all, thankfully you stand here as proof they're not all made in vain." Duncan seems genuinely depressed that he had to kill Jory. As much as I want to believe him...there are so many factors. But, I suppose that Duncan is right. We were told there was no turning back, and that being a Grey Warden is serious and important. Hell, being a Grey Warden is something that can end the Blight! Stop the madness and save Fereldan.

"Did you have dreams?"

I froze, my head turning slowly to Alistair. The tears a threatening again...biting at the corner of my eyes. "I had terrible dreams after my Joining." He looks at me again, but I look away and at Duncan.

"Such dreams come when you begin to sense the darkspawn as we all do. That and many other things can be explained in the months to come." Duncan explains and I nod, trying to understand. It is still a shock to believe that I'm a Grey Warden... a real one. I survived the Taint. As Duncan says, it won't be easy. Nothing is easy, as I've come to learn.

"Before I forget, there is one last part to your Joining. We take some of that blood and put it in a pendant. Something to remind us of those who didn't make it this far." He hands me the necklace and I take it with shaking hands. I slide it over my head and feel the weight against my chest. The necklace is warm to the touch in the center, but the outside of the silver lining is cool, like a dip in a cold lake.

"Take some time. When you are ready, I'd like you to accompany me to a meeting with the king." Duncan asks me and I nod, crossing my arms and holding myself.

"As you wish." I say, closing my eyes. I'm going to run back to my tent after this, alone at last.

"The meeting is west down the stairs. Please attend as soon as you are able." Duncan says, and with that he turns and departs down the stone steps. Alistair follows after him, running a few paces faster than Duncan. I take it slow, waiting for the two to be out of my sight before I dart back to the Women's camp. I fly into my tent and onto the bedroll. I bury my head into the pillow and begin to cry. The emotions within me are running rampant, and I can't control them. I'm too exhausted to attempt it.

My hands clench into fists as I beat into the ground. Angry tears fall. Sad tears fall. Confused tears fall. I think back to the dream...

Why must they come now? At the Circle of Magi, I never had these dreams. I knew what happened of my family, but it never appeared so vividly in my dreams. It only started when I left. I kept it to myself when I was traveling with Duncan, but it is almost impossible now, and will prove to be. Now that I have dreams plagued with darkspawn and archdemons, it won't be shameful to say that the dreams will be heightened. This last one was already so much more real than the ones post Joining.

I'm afraid of what's to come.

My eyes beg to close and let sleep overcome me, but I refuse and jerk upward. I place my head in my hands and weep some more. Not only for my family, but for everything coming to me. Especially Alistair.

Alistair...

Nothing will happen, I know that. I'm a fellow Grey Warden who will be a friend, but nothing more. We will kill darkspawn together, but I can't let anything happen. What if he dies? What if I die? Our hearts would collapse into the cavity and everything would go wrong. Love does that to you.

But I can't.

My heart yearns for him to wrap his arms around me and hold me close, keep me warm. I long to tell someone, anyone, of my past and get rid of the guilt that surrounds it. The mystery. Anything to clear my mind. I long for someone to love. I can imagine us sitting by a fire, my head in his lap as we talk about...life. Yes, life. He would stroke my hair and I would be lulled by the fire, willing to sleep. I would turn my head and he would bend down, brushing his soft lips against mine-

NO!

I grab a fistful of my hair and yank at it. The pain is sharp, but it's better than these disturbing images. I must stop! I mustn't continue with these...these imaginative scenes. For once, I really know how Cullen feels. How me must feel. This must be him, sitting and raging and imagining. Why must the world be so cruel?

I shake my head to clear my thoughts and forbid it from ever thinking of Alistair that way, ever again. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hands and rub them on my robes. I reach in my pack for a small hand-mirror, something I had found while in the Circle Tower. I look at my face and observe it. My curved nose it flushed by a blush, and my cheeks are a dying pink. My eyes are slightly red, clouding out the bright blue. If I give myself a moment, my eyes will return to their normal white hue and my face may still blush, but for all of those who know me, that's basically everyday.

So, I wait. I think about happy things. I recall lost memories of the Circle Tower and playing with my friends and with Jowan. How we would pursue our studies in a scholar-like manner, but not entirely diplomatically. When the mages would ask, we would be diplomatic and attempt to persuade them that we weren't doing anything. One time, I had been caught setting a book on fire because I was upset. My back was to the door and I was rotating the book in the air, letting the pages set on fire. Someone had walked in, but I hadn't heard them. Their voice had interrupted my trance and I gasped, dropping the fiery book and setting a loose robe on fire. I had let out a shout and attempted to stomp out of the fire, ultimately using an ice spell to freeze the dress. The mage who had caught me was a middle aged woman, with graying brown hair tied into a tight bun. Her wise, kind face had approached me and consoled me.

"You didn't need to set that book on fire, did you?" She had asked me and I had shook my head, my embarrassment clear on my red cheeks. The woman had brushed my cheek and wiped a tear. I hadn't known that I was crying, and desperately attempted to wipe the rest of the tears away. "You don't need to cry, either. I was like you, once. I hated everything, an angsty girl only a few years older than you. But I found the light at the end of the tunnel, and realized how idiotic I was being."

"I'm not an idiot!" I had shouted at her. She only smiled.

"What's your name?" She asked me.

"Fiona..." I muttered, my brow furrowed. The woman had smiled at me.

"My name is Wynne, Fiona. That's a very pretty name, you know. It means 'fair lady', but also 'someone who causes damage and destruction wherever they tread'."

"What!? I don't cause damage! I'm a good mage!" I had clumsily trying to convince Wynne that I wasn't at all what my name meant. She gave me a short laugh and had lied a hand on my shoulder.

"Damage isn't always physical, Fiona. Sometimes it is damage cause to others 'here'," she points to my head. "Or here." she points to my heart. I look down, ashamed. "Do you know who's book that was? Or who's robe?"

I shook my head.

"That could have been someone's late mother's robe, or someone's book about their family history." She had told me, and I looked over my shoulder at the destroyed book and robe. I had started to cry again, a deep sob knocking through my chest. Wynne shushes me politely with one finger at her lip and gave me a small smile.

"But you don't have to be destructive. This is why you are here, at the Circle. I learned that the hard way. I wasn't here to give you a lecture, dear. I was only here to stop that book from lighting the whole wing on fire. However, will you take my advice?"

I nodded. Wynne smiled at me and stood up.

"You will be a great mage one day, Fiona. Don't ever deny that. You iced that robe in a record time, something I've never seen in an apprentice. Have high hopes, child. May the Maker guide you." Wynne had said to me before turning on her heel and walking out the door. I had watched her for a while, but then slumped to the ground and looked over at the dress. Thoughts had raced through my young, naive head.

I suppose that is where my confidence came from, if not from learning over the years.

Shakily, I look back at the mirror and observe my face. My eyes aren't so red. Besides, it's dark outside so I won't be seen so easily. I slink out of my tent and straighten my robes. I must regain my footing in this world and stop my meddling feelings from interfering with it.

As I walk, I feel the heavy necklace. I grasp it and tighten my grip around it. This is a reminder of my future. I will now, whenever I begin to lose it, grab this trinket and remember. Remember that I am a Grey Warden.

In War, Victory. In Peace, Vigilance. In Death, Sacrifice.