A/N: Sorry for the delay and a short chapter, but having to travel back and forth from my new home and Southern California to wrap up some last minute business and moving details. One more trip left to get my motorcycle up here and then I'll finally be settled in completely! Finally starting to get to the 'good stuff' as a few fans have dubbed it lol. Nothing too debauched in this chapter yet but you'll see a definate build to it for upcoming chapters ;) Thanks again to everyone who has reviewed, as always, it is very much appreciated!
Chapter 9: Solace
It was one thing for Ashley's family to know that Shepard had violent nightmares that woke her on most nights screaming. It was another to actually bare witness to it. Ruth, who'd been married to a military man and was all too familiar with the occurrence, abided by her daughter's wishes to leave Shepard be for two nights. After the third night in a row of laying in bed and hearing Shepard shout out in her sleep, the older woman could not ignore her previous training of many years ago, nor her protective maternal instincts any longer.
She rose quietly from her bed, wrapped a robe around her and wandered out to the kitchen area where she ordered a mug of warm herbal tea. She wasn't surprised to cross paths with her eldest daughter in the living room. "You okay?" Ashley whispered, concerned.
"I am perfectly fine. Alexis however is not, and if you won't do anything to help her right now when she needs it most, I AM," Ruth told her daughter firmly.
"Mom, Shepard…Alex hates showing weakness of any kind. If anyone were to go in there it'll just make her angry."
"Anger is a good thing sometimes dear. Besides, how will you know if it will help or hurt her unless you even try. Now I have sat here and listened to her for the past two nights and I am not going to let a third pass without offering her some kind of comfort. And before you start on me, you remember what I used to do before I married your father and settled down into family life," Ruth told Ashley sternly. "I saw my fair share of soldiers just like her back in my day and I know what I'm doing. Now, step aside Ashley."
Ashley, who hadn't had that tone directed at her in a good number of years, shut her mouth and stepped aside quickly, partially out of surprise. Her mother bid her a cordial goodnight, walked past her and straight to Shepard's room. The elder woman knocked softly to announce her presence and then stepped inside without waiting for an answer and shut the door behind her.
Her eyes were already adjusted to the lack of light as she had moved through the house without turning any lights on, so she was easily able to make out Shepard's form. The younger woman was curled on her side, facing away from the door, the were sheets twisted tightly around her from her obviously struggles, and she was still trying to get her breathing under control.
"Damn it Ash, I told you I would be fine," Shepard whispered, her voice raspy and harsh.
"You are far from fine Alexis, and if you are going to have any chance of getting through your ordeals with your sanity intact, you cannot do it alone, not can you continue to suppress this," Ruth admonished quietly as she moved deeper into the room.
Shepard rolled over immediately, and struggled to sit up, hissing in pain as she put too much strain on her healing arm in her hastiness. Ruth moved swiftly to her side and wrapped a strong arm around Shepard's back and helped her into a sitting position. "Easy there," she soothed. "Don't want to undo all that hard work your doctor accomplished."
"Ruth? What the hell are you doing here?"
The older woman arranged some of Shepard's pillows behind her and then gently guided her to sit back and pressed the mug of tea into her hands. "I should think that would be obvious," Ruth answered wryly.
"Fuck. Have I been waking you guys up every night?"
"You have," Ruth admitted. "Ashley warned us about your nightmares, and she requested we abide by your wishes to be left alone. But as a mother and a former Counselor, I simply could not stand by and watch you suffer like this alone."
"You were a shrink? Great," Shepard grumbled.
"Of a sort. More like a grief counselor really. I didn't have a degree, though I had been thinking of working towards one. Then I met Ashley's father and we fell head over heels in love and decided to focus on a family instead."
"So are you going to psychoanalyze me now?" Shepard asked stiffly.
Ruth sighed. "Shepard, I understand why you have felt the need to isolate yourself from people in the past. For most of your life, your very survival has depended on you relying on no one but yourself. But it doesn't have to be that way now dear. You have people who genuinely care about you, people that you have admitted to me that you trust deeply. People who wish to help you succeed in any way they can," Ruth reminded her as she tipped the bottom of the mug up, encouraging Shepard to take a sip.
Shepard hesitated for a moment, but the heat of the liquid was seeping into her hands and calming her some so she finally complied with Ruth's silent request. Ashley's mother sat on the bed next to Shepard, and allowed the younger woman a few minutes of silent contemplation while she continued to sip her tea. When Ruth felt her begin to relax a fraction she began speaking again. "Alexis, there is no shame in this. Emotions are what make us human. Without them, we would be mindless killers…much like that Sovereign creature you have told us about. One simply cannot go through life, shutting themselves off from feelings they don't like, or want, or understand."
There was another minute of silence before Alex responded. Ruth noted that the younger woman could not raise her eyes, but this was to be expected. "I…don't know how to deal with this Ruth. All my life I've had to be strong…to be the strong one for others. People's lives depend on my ability to make decisions- even the hard ones- and be able to deal with it. On Virimire, if I had gone back because I couldn't leave a man behind, we would all have died, and Sovereign would have wiped out the Citadel and the rest of the galaxy would have followed."
"How did that make you feel? Having to leave Lt. Alenko behind?"
"I hated myself for not figuring out a plan that didn't involve sacrificing one of my men. I still do," Shepard whispered harshly, frustrated with the rebellious tears that were starting to gather in her eyes.
"Did he beg for you to come after him?" Ruth asked, even though she was well aware of the answer having heard the entire story from her daughter already.
"No," came the faint response. "I wanted to go back, and he told me to leave. He knew there wasn't enough time, and he told me it was okay. He was willing to sacrifice his life to save ours…to see to it that we finished our mission."
"Lt. Alenko died a hero then, and what Alliance officer doesn't want that?" Ruth reminded her gently.
"Then why do I feel like I failed him…and so many others?" Shepard demanded angrily, unable to stop the tears now.
"Because you have taken the weight of the galaxy on your shoulders Alexis…and you are only one woman. There is no way you can protect us all, and you feel like you must. It is a fact of life that some will have to fall in the fight to protect the greater number. A good leader accepts that these losses are inevitable, and continues on. A great leader grieves for those losses however, and then honors their sacrifices by carrying on their fight. As much as you want to fight against it my dear, grief is part of the healing process, and if you don't acknowledge it, your perceived failures will continue to fester like an open wound until it consumes you with bitterness, hatred and anger. And just like gangrene, it will poison your body until nothing good is left within you and you become everything you fought against. Is this what you want for yourself Alexis?"
"No," came a half choked sob.
"Is this what you want for my daughter and Liara?"
"Gods no!"
"Then let go my dear, and let someone else be strong for a little while," Ruth told her as she leaned forward and gently pulled Shepard into a comforting hug.
For Alexis, it was the first time in her life, that she could ever remember being held safe in a mother's arms. Ruth may not be her mother, but there was just something instinctively maternal in the way she held Alexis who finally broke down and grieved. She clung to the older woman, unable to stop the sobs that wracked her body so hard, it made everything hurt. She grieved for a childhood lost, for the deaths of so many during her years of service- innocents, comrades and friends- and for an entire civilization lost to the Reapers.
For over an hour she took solace in that safe embrace, her mind and heart finally purging some of the roiling emotions she had kept locked away for most of her life. It was far from being enough to cleanse her completely of her grief, but it was a start. Throughout the rest of the dark and silent house, five other young women lay awake listening to the heartbreaking sobs of a broken hero, tears of their own slipping silently down cheeks to dampen their pillows.
When Liara and Ashley could bare it no more they both rose quietly from their beds almost in tandem, and exited their rooms. Ashley looked across at Liara, surprised more by their timing than by intent. In the dim light she could see that the young Asari had been as effected by Shepard's grief as she had been, and Ashley was reminded of the young woman's own loss and during that god forsaken mission. She instinctively held her arms open. Liara slid into them and Ashley hugged her tight, even as she sniffled a bit. "She needs us Li," Ash whispered.
"I know. But I have been so unsure…about many things," Liara whispered back.
"Me too," Ashley admitted. Then she pulled back and looked deep into Liara's eyes. "But I promise, when my family leaves, we will talk about all of this. But mom was right- we can't let her keep going like this."
Liara nodded and they both made their way down the hall and quietly entered Shepard's room. Ruth looked up at their quiet entry and then gave her daughter a sad but knowing look. Shepard was still clinging tightly to her, her breathing coming in short uneven gasps, even as her body still shook from the occasional sob. The older woman gestured for the two to take over, and made room for Ashley to sit next to her, while Liara took up a spot on the other side of the bed behind Shepard. Ruth gently extracted herself from Shepard's grip and shifted it over to Ashley who immediately wrapped her strong arms around Alexis and took over soothing the distraught woman.
Ruth ran her fingers through Ashley's hair and kissed her on the forehead. Then she held out her hand and took Liara's and kissed her knuckles affectionately and then guided that hand to Shepard's shoulder. "The girls and I will be doing a bit of touring to Hawaii in the morning. We'll see you in a day or so," she told Ashley and Liara quietly.
"Thank you mom," Ashley whispered back in sincere gratitude.
Ruth merely nodded and left the three young women in peace for the rest of the night. She knew that Shepard had a long way to go yet, but she felt satisfied in knowing that the intrepid Commander was back on the track to recovery.
It was nearly noon before Shepard finally began to stir from the deep sleep she had slipped into during the early hours of the morning. The first thing that she was aware of was the throbbing pain in her head, as if she'd drank too much the night before. On top of that, her chest and shoulder ached, but there was a soothing warmth that was surrounding her, helping to relax muscles that had obviously been abused last night.
She tried to remember what had happened the night before, but her mind was still foggy. Then some of the warmth that was surrounding her moved, and Shepard's eyes shot open…well as open as they could considering they were still swollen. Her body tensed as soft blue features swam in and out of focus just inches in front of her, but an arm tightened around her waist as a strong body snuggled up more tightly behind her.
"Relax Alex," was breathed into her ear, and Shepard desperately tried to remember how she ended up with both Ashley and Liara in her bed. It took another minute and then everything came rushing back at her, causing her to inhale sharply, even as the arm she had wrapped around Liara tightened involuntarily.
Soft blue lips leaned forward and pressed against her forehead. "It is okay Alexis. We are here for you," Liara assured her.
Alex closed her eyes tightly, even as the tears came again. She remembered the conversation with Ruth which had laid bare the wounds of her soul that she had been trying to ignore for years now. She remembered a mother's concern- even if it wasn't her own. And she remembered finally letting go. She realized somewhere along the way, Ruth's comforting embrace had been replaced by Ashley's and Liara's and shortly after that she must have passed out.
Alex didn't think it was possible for someone who had cried as hard as she had last night to possibly have any more tears, but the grief was still there. Not nearly as harsh and overwhelming as the night before, but still fresh and raw. And so she clung to Liara, even as she pressed back into Ashley's strength, and let them hold her as she wept for a little while longer.
After awhile, her breathing began to even out, even though her body still trembled slightly. "Gods, what is wrong with me?" she asked, both embarrassed and frustrated.
"Nothing is wrong Alex," Ashley answered her reassuringly. "You're just finally letting go of everything you've been keeping locked in for so long."
Alex exhaled slowly, and forced herself to relax back into their warmth. She drifted back to sleep again for a little while longer before her body's needs forced her back awake. "What time is it?" she murmured sleepily against Liara's shoulder.
"A little after thirteen hundred hours," Ash answered as her fingers drew lazy patterns along Alex's stomach.
Shepard's eyes cracked open. "What about your mom and sisters?" she asked concerned.
"They went to check out Hawaii. They'll be back tomorrow."
Shepard relaxed back into her pillow, even as she tried to think of something appropriate to say. She was reveling in the warmth and comfort of their bodies, but she was also feeling more than a little awkward about their situation. "I….shit…I have no idea what to say right now," she admitted.
She watched an amused smile paint Liara's lips and felt Ashley chuckle quietly from behind her. "How about we don't spoil the moment with words then?" Ashley suggested.
This made Alex chuckle. "You know…I would really like to follow that advise. In fact I think I could be content to stay in bed like this all day. But unfortunately, my body needs to take care of a few things."
Ashley laughed lightly, and then rolled away from Shepard, who immediately missed the warmth that had been spooning her from behind. She gave Liara a final squeeze and then extracted herself from the Asari's gentle grasp and carefully sat up with Ashley's help. She winced as her shoulder was moved and then shook her head ruefully. Her whole body was stiff, and she felt like her entire face was swollen. She probably looked like hell.
She made her way off the bed reluctantly and into her bathroom where she took care of her needs and then forced herself to glance in her mirror afterwards. Oh yeah, she definitely looked like hell. She stripped out of her clothing and flipped on the shower, deciding some hot water would probably do her a world of good right now. She brushed her teeth while the water warmed and then stepped under the hot spray and sighed contentedly.
The steam slowly cleared her foggy mind and released some of the pressure in her still clogged sinuses, while the water gently eased the aches in her shoulder and torso. As her mind cleared, she finally began to process more of the previous night's events and had to snort in mild disbelief at everything that had happened. She remembered the shock of having Ruth come in to her room uninvited and her deep embarrassment at having the older women see her like that. She still couldn't believe just how quickly and easily Ruth had gotten her to open up. Alex had to hand it to Ashley's mom…she was good. The Alliance could probably use someone like her back on their payroll- especially right now.
Alex spent the next several minutes reflecting on how she felt about what had happened. Yes, there was some anger and mild resentment at the invasion of her privacy- but that was her normal and instinctive response and she decided to disregard it this once. She still felt raw, weary, and…vulnerable. This made her uncomfortable because she had always been so in control of her feelings and emotions… until recently at least. But last night she'd let her guard down completely, and it scared her a bit. Until she thought about who had been there for her in her moment of weakness.
Feeling considerably better, Shepard turned off the water and stepped out of her shower and toweled off before slipping her robe on and exiting back into her bedroom. Ashley and Liara had vacated her bed, but the Commander could make out the smell of coffee and breakfast and figured they had headed into the kitchen in search of food. Shepard threw on a pair of old training shorts and tank top and padded barefoot out into the front of the house.
The other two women were quietly enjoying their meal in relative silence, but the looked up at Shepard and smiled warmly at her as she slid into a seat between the two of them at the table. "Feeling better?" Ashley asked as Shepard poured herself a cup of coffee and sipped it gratefully.
"Much better now," Shepard sighed.
"Wasn't sure what you wanted so we ordered a few things to share."
"Actually, I'm starving and it all looks good."
Liara, who had noticed the Commander's appetite begin to wane over the past month, was pleased to see Shepard load up her plate and smiled. The Commander noticed and snorted. "Does this mean I won't get a lecture today about the need to eat more?" she teased.
"Perhaps."
Shepard grinned and shook her head as she dug into her food, and the table went comfortably silent once more for awhile. When she was full, she pushed her empty plate back and looked over at Liara once more. "You think the Doc would be too upset if we went one day with therapy?"
"She informed me that so long as it was not a regular occurrence, that there could be days where you forgo your conditioning. Since it is clear that your shoulder and arm are sore, I believe it would be prudent to allow you some rest today."
"Have something in mind Skipper?"
Shepard sat back and stared at the table for a moment. "Honestly? I think I just want to spend some quiet time here with both of you today…if you're both up for that."
"I think it's something all of us could use actually," Ash said as she reached out and clasped her hand over Shepard's. She then looked up at Liara and smiled warmly. "I think it's time we talked a bit about things."
Liara nodded and Shepard looked up to meet Ashley's gaze. "Back deck?"
"I think I preferred your idea of staying in bed all day personally. What about you Liara?"
"I admit to being very reluctant to leave it earlier. It was…comforting."
Shepard couldn't deny that, but she wanted to make one thing clear. "Bed it is. But there is something both of you need to know up front," she said in a serious tone. "I think we are all aware of what is going on between us and how we feel about each other. If there is any question as to whether or not I want both of you, be assured that I do." There, she'd said it. She drew in a steadying breath even as she watched both Ash and Liara inhale a bit sharply with her outright admission. "But," she continued, "you're right Ash…we do have a lot to talk about first. Plus, I need time to…process everything from last night. Your mom is good Ash, damn good in fact. But I need time right now. Everything is still so…raw inside of me." Her voice caught for a second, and she had to clear it to continue, even as she held their steady gazes.
"Besides, we still have your family coming back for a few more days Ash, and I've already cost you a day with them. I wouldn't want to take any more of your precious time from them."
Ash smiled in warm understanding and gratitude and nodded in agreement. Liara smiled as well and then stood to start removing the empty dishes. Ash and Alex stood to assist her as much as they could and then a short while later, they retired back into the bedroom, wisely bringing along some snacks and beverages for later. "It's a good thing you have such an enormous bed," Ash chuckled as the three of them settled themselves back onto the bed, this time with Liara tucked in the middle.
Shepard chuckled. "I thought it was oversized when I first saw it, but I'm starting to appreciate it's generous space."
"I wish Tali had been able to see all of this," Liara commented somewhat sadly.
The other two fell silent and then Shepard sighed even as she curled up a bit tighter against Liara. "Me too," she admitted quietly.
"Do you think she'll ever come back Alex?" Ash asked into the stillness after a few minutes.
"I hope so. You?"
"Hell yeah," Ash said with a clear grin in her tone. "She was one hell of an engineer and pretty damn wicked with that shotty of hers. Would defiantly love to see the woman behind the mask there."
Shepard and Liara both smiled in response, but didn't make any comments as the warmth from each other began to lull all three women into an extremely relaxed state. Within minutes all three had drifted off into a peaceful slumber where the mere presence of each other kept the nightmares at bay.
