Ste curls up on Brendan's chest, hands on his beard, stroking.
"It wasn't too bad, was it?"
"It could have been better." It feels like the world's greatest understatement.
"He was happy for us though."
"He had to be. Didn't exactly want to fall out with you, did he?"
Ste raises his body to face Brendan, kissing him gently. It feels like Brendan's resisting him, too concentrated on his own thoughts. It makes Ste kiss him harder.
"My dad likes you."
Brendan looks to the ceiling, mouth a hard line.
"He'd rather you were with someone else though."
They'd invited the Lomax's to the flat. Brendan had been nervous all evening: dropping his cutlery to the floor, barely saying a word, leaving Ste to tell his father about the engagement.
The only time Brendan had sustained eye contact with Danny was after the announcement.
"I love your son very much." He'd felt for Ste's hands underneath the table, fingers running over the skin.
Ste's sisters had all but swooned at his words, had all harboured crushes on Brendan since they'd met him. Danny had smiled; there was a hesitancy to it but Ste thought that was earned - Danny had heard him mention Brendan in the years that he'd been gone. Had found the hundreds of letters that Ste had stashed away in a box - ones which, when Brendan made it clear that he wasn't going to reply, Ste wrote just for himself. Just to remember that they had been something once. That it wasn't all a figment of his imagination.
"Well it doesn't matter, does it? Because I'm never gonna be with anyone else. This is it now."
"I don't want to come between you two." It's still an adjustment, having to contend with Danny being in Ste's life. But he's seen them together - knows how, when he was gone, Danny was one of the only things that kept him going.
"Bren." Another kiss, one which Brendan doesn't reject. His hand goes to Ste's waist, gently pulling him in closer. Ste leans back to look at him, a light redness above his upper lip from Brendan's stubble. "I'll always choose you, every time. Over anyone in this world."
::::::
Sinead was his cover.
"I'm just going to visit her and Katy - we're meeting at a place in town." He'd kissed Doug, wondered if his husband could taste his lies on his lips.
Doug had stood up, following Ste around the room.
"I can come with you."
"No, don't worry. Your parents are calling tonight, aren't they?"
"I can speak to them anytime." Doug was already reaching for his coat, and Ste felt the panic rising in him.
"Really, forget about it. I probably won't be long anyway. I'll send her your love, yeah?"
He left the house before Doug could follow him, walking quickly and getting his phone out.
S: I'm on my way.
B: Good.
Ste couldn't stop looking at his messages on the bus ride into Chester. He felt like his skin was humming as he read Brendan's words on the screen. They felt like evidence that he wanted him. That even after all this time, Brendan had kept his promise - had never felt any differently about him.
The security was lax when Ste entered the hotel. He could go into the toilets without being questioned, and he took the opportunity to adjust his clothes in the mirror, smooth down his hair. He'd deliberated over what to put on, hadn't felt right in anything. He'd settled on a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a t-shirt that he remembered Brendan commenting on, slapping Ste's arse and telling him that he looked hot as fuck. The memory warmed him.
He needed a moment, couldn't go out there right away. Brendan had told him to text him when he'd arrived, but Ste stayed in the bathroom for fifteen minutes, leaning against the sink and trying to control his breathing. The place was deserted: it was a low budget hotel, one where the paint was peeling at the edges and the lights were flickering, in need of repair.
He hated the thought of Brendan being somewhere like this, sleeping here at night. Ste's flat wasn't much better, but it had felt like a home when they'd lived there. Brendan had never suggested moving out, even though Ste knew he can't have liked how cramped and run down it was. Every memory of it had once belonged to him and Amy and the kids. Soon it had begun to resemble everything that he and Brendan had shared: the first time they'd slept together. The first Christmas that they'd spent as a family.
S: I'm here.
He tried to summon up the courage he needed. Had to summon up the stupidity and recklessness too, because this was stupid, and it was reckless. He'd planned for this, had felt almost methodical: he'd brought condoms and new underwear, wondering when he'd become this, when cheating on Doug became so easy. There had always been something that had stopped him in the past, but now - now there was nothing. It terrified him. Brendan had the ability to destroy his entire life.
Ste went out into the main foyer. Part of him thought that Brendan would take one look at him and walk away. He knew he must look a mess - noticeably shaking, a flush to his cheeks. He'd never seen Brendan look more beautiful. He could have someone better than Ste. Someone younger, someone who didn't have a husband waiting at home.
Ste heard the door open. He looked up, felt nausea curling in his gut, didn't know if he was brave enough to do this.
Brendan had stopped, was standing across the room, watching him. His eyes travelled down his body, and Ste hadn't felt so exposed in a long time. Didn't feel like this even when he was naked in bed with Doug. He crossed his arms over his body, feeling defensive under Brendan's scrutiny. If his legs were capable of moving in that moment, he would have run away. Wouldn't have stopped running.
Brendan walked towards him first. It didn't seem to matter that the staff were standing at the desk behind them; they weren't aware of it.
"You coming up?" His voice was soft. He sounded like he didn't believe any of this was real, eyes wide and shining in amazement.
"Yeah." Ste was embarrassed by the croak in his voice. He cleared his throat, his legs feeling like they were about to give way as he followed Brendan up the stairs, could see the outline of Brendan's arse through his tight fitting jeans. Ste looked away, tried to not concentrate on it, but it was futile, useless to fight against it. Brendan was the whole reason he was here.
They said nothing until they reached Brendan's room. Brendan dropped his hotel key as he fumbled with the lock, and they both reached for it on the carpet at the same time, hands making contact and making them flinch. It didn't matter what they'd written in their messages: this was entirely different, touching each other after so long.
Ste hadn't realised how there had been a gnawing hunger in him for two years. He felt it now, understood for the first time how empty he'd been, how he'd tried to ignore it with Doug and his kids and his father, but it had always remained.
Until now. Now, he felt like he was being fixed again. Like Brendan was fixing him.
There was a moment when they were plunged into darkness before Brendan turned on the light, and Ste wanted to feel for him in the blackness, wanted to memorise the lines of Brendan's face and the curve of his mouth.
Then the light was on again, and Ste closed the door behind him, the click of it feeling ominous, because there was no way back now. He'd never be able to return to his previous life.
The confidence that Brendan had shown the last time they'd met seemed to have evaporated. He looked at Ste, was almost imploring, like he was asking for him to make the first move. Like words failed him, and so did taking what he wanted.
"Say it then." Ste had to hear it. Had to know.
"I love you. I always have."
Ste didn't wait anymore. He fell against Brendan's body so hard that it sent them both backwards, Brendan's legs hitting the bed and causing him to topple over onto it, a gasp of surprise escaping from his lips. Ste didn't stop kissing him as he climbed Brendan's lap, arms wrapping around his neck, their groins pressed together.
He could feel the warmth through Brendan's shirt. Could feel his heartbeat if he was close enough, and he was close - got as close as he could, hands moving to Brendan's beard, and fuck, he'd dreamed of this, exactly this. Dreamed of licking into Brendan's mouth, of making him moan, of making him hard. He felt powerful like this, using everything he had to make Brendan his.
The taste of him was just the same. It was so uniquely Brendan - the feel of his lips against Ste's, the way he claimed his mouth like no one else ever had. There was a softness to Doug's mouth, and he kissed him like he loved him, but Brendan kissed him like he needed him. Like this was what was keeping him alive, and Ste felt it too - felt that he couldn't leave this man now, could never be separated from him again. It would be more painful than the first time, because now he knew what it was like to lose Brendan. He knew there was no way back from it, that he could paper over the cracks but they would always be there, ready to make him fall.
He could hear Brendan saying his name when Ste broke off for air, his lungs feeling like they were going to burst. Brendan was breathing it into his skin, Steven, and Ste had missed the sound of his name on Brendan's lips - asked him to say it again, and Brendan did - whispered it and sucked a bruise into Ste's neck.
Every time Brendan pulled him closer, Ste's dick rubbed against the material of his tracksuit bottoms. His hand went to it, needed to feel it, and Brendan smacked it away, replaced Ste's hand with his own.
"I missed you." Ste laughed at his own words, could never explain what the years apart had done to him. Soon he couldn't talk: Brendan had hiked down his trousers and the cotton of Ste's boxers, and his hand had delved inside, was around his dick instantly. Ste moved closer, needed more contact, kissed against Brendan's beard and felt the satisfying roughness of it. He was rising and falling in Brendan's lap, fucking into Brendan's hand like it was his cock, imagining what it would feel like if it was: imagining Brendan inside him after all this time.
When he begged Brendan to fuck him, he was thrown onto the bed, the rest of his clothes discarded. The lack of care to Brendan's actions made heat spread through Ste's body. He'd always enjoyed rough play, but there was care in Brendan's eyes, in the way he kissed him, and the juxtaposition made pre-come leak from his cock, made him put his finger deep inside his hole, crying out for Brendan to get a condom from his jacket.
Brendan removed his clothes. It was the first time Ste had seen him naked in two years, and he'd changed. Grown more solid, more defined. Ste had never been so in love with him.
Brendan tilted his head to his side, stroked his cock while he watched Ste's own curl against his stomach, the boy adding a second finger and fucking back on it.
"Get a condom," Ste repeated, felt frustrated that Brendan wasn't making any movement towards him. His heart didn't feel empty, but his body did. He'd forgotten how thick Brendan was, how large. He was intimidated, but it didn't stop him from shuffling forwards on the bed. When Brendan still watched him, making no attempt to fuck him, Ste opened his mouth wide, and secured his lips around Brendan's cock.
"Jesus."
Ste swallowed him down to the root. He felt the pressure building in his mouth, felt the back of his throat getting rammed by Brendan's cock as he held Ste's face in his hands, moving his arse back and forth, setting the pace. Ste stroked his own cock as he sucked and licked and massaged Brendan's balls with his free hand, heard Brendan curse and grunt from above him.
He released Brendan's dick with a wet pop, stroking along its length.
"Please. I need you to fuck me."
Brendan kissed him, licking into Ste's mouth and tasting himself.
"Get yourself ready for me." His voice was low. Promising.
"I am." Ste sighed in frustration, Brendan laughing at him. He felt vaguely ashamed, but it disappeared as quickly as it had come. He wanted this. Couldn't remember the last time he'd wanted something more.
Brendan nodded over to the bottom of the bed, and Ste spread himself out, opening himself up more with his fingers while Brendan watched, rolling on the condom. Ste hated that he had to use one, wanted Brendan to go into him with nothing. But when they got back together, things could go back to the way they used to be. When.
Ste got to his knees, disarming Brendan when he took the condom off, feeding Brendan's dick back into his mouth.
"What are you -"
Ste freed his mouth, licking around Brendan's shaft.
"I just want to taste you again." He'd forgotten how much he liked giving head, the feel of his tongue running against the smooth foreskin. He needed to be fucked, but he needed this too - needed to remember how well they knew each other, how he held power here.
He sucked Brendan until his orgasm was close, then re-sheathed him. Lay against the pillow, panting lightly, lips glistening with sweat and spit.
Brendan climbed on top of him, Ste's hands on his back. Ste's touch made it difficult for Brendan to line his dick up. It was a distraction: Ste's teeth were grazing his neck, and Brendan kept on fumbling, edging his dick closer to Ste's rim and away again as the boy made imprints with his fingers.
Then Ste felt him begin to enter him. Felt the stretch, and had to remove his lips from Brendan's jaw. It hurt, and he cried out, felt like he couldn't take it.
Then it stopped hurting, and it became something else. It felt like the first time he'd slept with Brendan, when he'd been scared and unsure, and his body had felt like he was being torn apart. Then his head had cleared, and his muscles had loosened, and it was like he was drawing Brendan in: accepting him.
Just as Ste felt like that again, Brendan was gone. The fullness had been replaced by an emptiness, and Brendan's body was no longer against his. Ste made a noise, sounded like grief, and sat up, hands on Brendan's shoulders, trying to coax him back to him.
"Why did you stop? Brendan?" He tried to drag Brendan backwards. Tried to make him fuck him.
"I can't..." He shook his head, looked like he was trying to clear it.
"No. Come on, you can." He went to kiss Brendan, wanted to kill the doubts, stop the feeling that he'd already left the room. Already left him.
Brendan stood up, tucking his cock back into his boxers, slipping on his jeans.
"I can't fuck you when you're with Douglas."
"Fuck you."
Brendan's mouth opened. "Steven -"
"No. I came here - I risked everything, all so I could be with you. And now you're just gonna kick me out?"
"I'm not kicking you out." He put on his shirt, and Ste felt further away from this than ever - felt like it was over. "I can't go to bed with you and know that you're going to go back to your husband. I thought I could, but..."
Ste stood inches away from his face, felt like he was snarling like an animal. "Funny, cos you never felt guilty when it was Rae and Noah. You didn't feel guilty when you were kissing me or when I was sucking you off. Or is that it - you get what you want from me, use me, and then you're done?"
Brendan tried to reach out to him, but Ste stepped away. Turned his face away in refusal.
"You weren't married to Rae or Noah. We hadn't - we hadn't lived together then, Steven. You weren't my boyfriend - I hadn't...Jesus, I hadn't told you that you were my whole fucking life then. And of course this isn't about me using you. I want this more than anything. That's the point."
Ste grabbed his clothes from the floor, didn't want Brendan to see him like this. He felt like he was bruising his skin in his haste to get them on.
"You didn't want me when you were in prison though, did you? Not enough. And how many guys did you shag in there, eh? You probably had everyone."
"I've only ever loved you," Brendan said solemnly.
"That's not what I asked."
"That's all that's important."
Ste snorted, used it to hide his hurt. He'd written and tried to visit while Brendan was fucking some new model.
"You know what, I'm so glad I didn't sleep with you. It would have been the biggest mistake of my life."
Brendan stared him down, let Ste give him everything, all the anger that made his face contort, his words vicious.
"Doug's the best thing that's ever happened to me. He's the one whose been there for me for the past two years - not you. He's the one who supported me, who looked after the kids. What did you ever do for me, Brendan? Besides beat me up."
"Steven." He sounded defeated. Wasn't the man who said he'd fight for him.
"Just - just leave town. Go to Ireland, or go and see your sister - I don't even care. Just leave. I never want to see you again."
