Disclaimer: Star Trek Voyager belongs to Paramount, the writers, and whoever else can legally claim it. I am making no profit from this. I am writing for fun, and to relieve the extreme disappointment felt by so many fans over how the series ended, of course.
Episode: The Fight (S5 E19)
AN: For e. bln, who asked for this one. I'm getting to the other requested ones as fast as I can, but part of it does depend on what I'm in the mood to write. This was very enjoyable for me, I think partly because I can't recall ever reading a fic based off of "The Fight," although I'm sure they're out there. And it's my first try at writing a fic where Chakotay isn't the strong one. Reviews are greatly appreciated as always.
And with this one, I'm 1/3 of the way done with this series. Oh, and a few of you may have noticed that chapter 1 had been edited, a few of the prompts replaced by others. I've had a few people actually give me more prompts in case I wanted to do more, and I used them to replace a few of my least favorite ones, ones that upon reflection I either just didn't like or couldn't think of a story for. (I sort-of had ideas for all of them before I posted them, but a few just haven't worked out.)
Prompt: She hadn't meant to hurt him. Sometimes she forgot how sensitive the former Maquis captain was underneath all his strength.
Fear
By Lady Callista
=/\=
Kathryn rang his door chime a little while before they were due on the bridge. She wanted to see how he was doing after everything that he had gone through the day before, and thought that a quick breakfast would be the perfect time.
After a brief period without an answer, Kathryn frowned. "Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."
"Commander Chakotay is in his quarters."
She tapped her combadge. "Janeway to Chakotay."
Slightly concerned now, although he had seemed fine the night before when they talked after everything was over, she tapped her override code into the door panel and hesitantly entered his quarters. "Chakotay?"
She heard a sound coming from the bedroom and raised her voice, "Chakotay, are you okay?"
There was a harsh scoffing sound, followed by a single choked word. "No."
Kathryn sprinted across the main area to the bedroom, about to call the doctor. The words died on her lips as she saw him at the foot of his bed. He sat on the floor in nothing by the shorts she had seen him boxing in, knees drawn up to his chest, arms locked around his legs. His face was hidden by his limbs, and his entire body was trembling.
She went to him at once, falling to her knees beside him and putting her arms around him without thought. She knew at once this wasn't anything the doctor could fix, and cursed for the umpteenth time that there wasn't a counselor on the ship.
His trembling actually increased slightly when her arms wrapped around him, and she could hear that he was crying softly.
"Chakotay, it's okay." She whispered softly as her hands stroked over his back, trying to sooth him. "I'm here, it's okay."
His arms locked around her like a lifeline for a second, his body turning into hers. Then he jerked back. "How do I know you're really here?"
Her eyes filled at the pain in his voice. "Chakotay, it's over." She kept her arms around him even though he was now tenser than before. "The gene is fully suppressed. You're not going to have to go through what your grandfather did."
His head snapped up, and the anger in his eyes was a sharp contrast to the tears still glistening on his cheeks. "I did go through it." He pulled away from her sharply and rose to pace the room. "All those voices, inside my head, and everyone looking at me like I was crazy. I couldn't understand, half the time I didn't even know what I was doing, what they wanted, but I could hear them, and I didn't know why I could hear them, but I knew that hearing them meant I was going crazy like grandpa, but I kept hearing your voice, and you were telling me I had to try, and I knew I had to do it for you, but I was so scared, and I didn't know what was going on, and…"
Kathryn jerked as he spun and rammed his fist into the nearest bulkhead as he uttered an oath. She was on her feet in a flash, grabbing his arm before he could do it again and hurt himself.
He twisted towards her, and for an instant she thought that he might strike her instead of the wall. She braced herself, but refused to lose eye contact or back away. She said his name softly, evenly, and watched horror fill his eyes even through the anger as his hand dropped to his side.
Then all the anger melted away and he was crying again and clutching her against him. Kathryn wrapped her arms around his back, a few tears escaping her own eyes to fall against his warm chest.
It truly registered for the first time that he was shirtless, that they were in his bedroom, and just how incredibly outside of parameters this was, but the thoughts evaporated even as they occurred. She was his best friend and he needed her right now.
Several minutes passed, and she heard him start to speak brokenly. She strained to understand what he was saying.
"I thought I was okay last night. I went boxing, like I told you I was going to, and that was fine. I didn't have to think about anything. I could just block it all. Then I got back to my quarters, and when I tried to sleep I had a nightmare. I was crazy again, and when I woke up I didn't know if I was really awake, I wasn't sure what was real. I was… I was afraid to go back to sleep."
"You should have called me." It hurt something inside her when she thought of him huddled alone in the dark all night, his worst fear coming to life.
"I couldn't." The words were the barest whisper.
After all the times he had been there for her, she wished he could have let her return the favor. But at the same time she thought she understood why he hadn't. She remembered what he had said about doing it for her, because she had asked. She certainly hadn't thought about it that way at the time, but she felt a mix of shame and horror as something became clear. "I'm so sorry." The pain was evident in her voice. "I didn't think… Chakotay, I… I wasn't trying to use your feelings against you. I would have asked the same thing of anyone if they were in that situation, but I…"
He pulled back then, but only enough to see her face. Trembling fingers traced over her cheek, and both were so in the moment that they didn't even think about parameters. "If you hadn't said what you did, I couldn't have done it." His eyes were bright with the beginnings of tears again, but there was something else in them she couldn't place. "I'm not mad at you, Kathryn. I was the only one who could save the ship, and I, I don't feel like you used me. We both did what we had to do."
"Then why…"
"Because I'm supposed to help you with your burdens, not add to them. I almost failed you. I am failing you now, crying in your arms like a…" The anguish in his voice was palpable, choking off when the computer beeped.
"Bridge to the captain."
Kathryn watched as he released her and crossed the room, dropping onto the bed with his head in his hands. She tapped her combadge automatically. "Janeway here."
"Is everything alright, Captain?" Tuvok's voice was neutral. "Alpha shift started ten minutes ago."
Kathryn realized with shock that the emotions on Chakotay's face, those she hadn't been able to place because she had never seen them in his eyes before, were a combination of shame and self-loathing. That revelation still flowing through her, she answered Tuvok without hesitation. "Sorry, something has come up that requires my attention. Can you take the bridge this shift?"
"Of course, Captain. Tuvok out."
Face still in his hands, Chakotay mumbled half-heartedly, "You should go."
Knowing he didn't really mean it, Kathryn crossed the room to sit beside him. "You didn't fail me. You're not now… you never have. Chakotay, what you did yesterday was one of the bravest things I've ever seen, and if anything, I failed you in not realizing how much it hurt you to do it. Our friendship isn't a one way street. I'm here for you in the same way you've always been there for me. Just tell me what you need."
He let out a harsh chuckle. "You really shouldn't say that right now."
She slide closer, putting one arm around him while the other came to rest lightly on his thigh. She knew exactly what he meant with his last statement, but in this exact moment nothing mattered to her except being there for him. Helping however she could. Regulations and tomorrows could go to hell. "What do you need?"
His one hand came down to grip the one she had rested on his leg tightly. "Something I can never have while we're on Voyager." The room was silent for a moment, and then his voice came again softly. "Right this second though, I think what I need most is sleep. I'm exhausted. But I'm afraid to sleep. Afraid to… to be alone."
Even as broken as he was at the moment, he didn't push her. She read the undercurrents in his tone, knew what he meant by his last statement but even now wouldn't say. She was once again stunned by how amazing a man he was, and wondered what she had ever done to deserve his loyalty. And his love, which although unspoken was always there waiting for her to accept.
She made a decision that was both one of the easiest and hardest she had ever made. "Then you won't be alone."
She slid her hands away from him and bent to take off her boots. Her uniform jacket came next, and she felt him watching with wide eyes as the turtleneck followed.
"You're sure I'm not still crazy?" He couldn't help the words that slipped out, even though he knew and accepted what she was, and wasn't, offering. Conflicting emotions swirled through him; disbelief, amazement, trepidation, desire, relief, and more, but over it all an overwhelming sense of gratitude.
She had understood what he hadn't even now been willing to say, and although she had never allowed this type of closeness for her own benefit she was apparently willing to allow it for his sake. Gratitude didn't even begin to cover it, and he knew she could see that in his eyes, mixed with the love that at this moment he was too weak to hide.
"Let's just leave this out of the official report." She tried to lighten the mood, her eyes acknowledging what she saw in his eyes but couldn't respond to.
He smiled briefly, the first real smile she had seen since she entered the room. Then he glanced hesitantly down, seeming to realize for the first time that he was in nothing but his workout shorts. He almost got up to at least put a shirt on, but she didn't seem bothered by his state of undress, and he was loath to put even so thin a barrier between them considering the ones she had just temporarily removed.
Still not looking at her, Chakotay slid back on the bed, pulling the covers up to cover his chest even as she rose from the bed.
Taking a deep breath, Kathryn remembered to grab her communicator off of her jacket, circling the bed to set it on the bedside table before getting into the bed beside him.
There was a beat of extreme awkwardness, partially due she knew to her feelings of how wrong, but just how right, this was at the same time. She knew he was probably feeling something similar; she could see on his face how much he wanted to hold her and how nervous he was even at this point that she would pull away.
Suddenly the smile that she shared with no one but him came to her face, and she was the one who closed the distance between them. She rested her hand against his chest for a moment in a gesture that was almost automatic after this many years, and this time his smile was full-blown. The awkwardness vanished.
They both felt the spark at the contact, and both ignored it with the ease of long practice. This was about friendship, and comfort, and making sure it stayed that way was the only way this could happen at all. She ignored the voice in her head that said it shouldn't be happening even for those reasons.
She slid down, allowing her head to rest on his chest as she felt his arms slide around her. There was a slight awkwardness again, but this one had nothing to do with who they were or the feelings they had been suppressing for so long, it was the simple awkwardness of two people who had never slept together both trying to attain comfortable positions.
Kathryn let out a soft sigh when they were finally cuddled together comfortably. As much as she could honestly say that this moment was for and about him, within her own mind she would not deny how long she had wanted the very comfort she was now offering him. Nor could she deny how safe and content she felt in his arms. For the first time in over five years, she felt like she was home.
She pushed that dangerous thought aside, knowing she would analyze it later and that it might make it harder in the future to keep her priorities straight. She also knew she would cherish this moment, and never regret it. "Good night, Chakotay."
His arms tightened around her briefly, and she could hear his heartbeat slow even as he dropped a feather light kiss on her forehead.
"Kathryn… Thank you." He knew the words were inadequate, but there was nothing else he could say in that moment, and he knew she would understand what he couldn't say.
She squeezed the hand that was linked with her own at her waist, laying quietly in his arms as she heard his breathing slow and he drifted off to sleep.
Once she was certain he was asleep, she dropped a light kiss on his chest and whispered three words she could never say to him as long as they were in the Delta Quadrant. Enveloped in his warmth, and the slightly musky scent that had driven her crazy for years now, Kathryn drifted into a light sleep. The last thought that flitted through her mind was that she couldn't remember the last time she had felt this at peace.
FIN
