Thoughts from Tanya Dreiser - In Retrospect

Is it possible to be so wrong and so right? Truth is never easy. No one's ever right or wrong. There is no black and white, only varying shades of grey. We are who we are. Each one of us a mystery to ourselves and everyone else...just waiting to be unveiled.

So why did I mess up? I guess I was just being a dolt then.

Change was coming for me...


Chapter 9

It's Never Simple.

The moon and stars were high in the sky by now, shimmering down their light to the Earth below. Pale, cold light shone on the city of Berlin, glinting beautifully upon the glass of the abandoned buildings. The far away stars glinted high above the world, reminding us that you can always shoot higher. Once upon a time, I'd believed they could speak and tell you things, too.

But that was before my childhood was ruined by the monsters of the world.

I stomped down the brick road parallel to the Berlin Wall, multiple scenarios of what might happen next after the conversation with the ghost child filled my mind.

Should I give Richtofen a chance to explain himself? To be honest? Or should I just go ahead and pop his skull? Maybe I'd splatter his dark heart all over the old floorboards of the theater instead. How beautiful that'd look.

How fitting it'd be.

I loved fitting ends to any story. I'd loved stories since I was a child when my mother and father would tell them to me.

My favorites were the ones where the end fit the beginning so well, and everything turned out for the best. Sometimes they were not always happy, but they went together just the same.

Now that everything had happened, my mind was flooding with ancient memories that I'd buried in my sorrow.

And they were giving me a violent, determined strength. My resolve was a ten foot, thick, steel wall at this point.

I stopped at the armory, an old metal house at the base of the Berlin wall. I didn't pause as I tromped through the rust coated front door, making it swing on creaking hinges. I looked at the mountains of munitions. Cartridges of ammo lay about, weapons such as rifles and MGs leaned lazily on the far wall, and barrels of gun powder were all rolled into a disarrayed pile in the corner.

I hurried over and sifted through the cartridge piles, replacing the empty clips of Nova with new ones. My movements were jerky and quick from burning anger in the pit of my soul. After leaving the armory building, I made my way back to the theater. I glared around the empty road, searching for more zombies, so angry that I just wanted to kill something.

No fools were out tonight, and I wondered if I'd scared them off with the aura of hate flooding from my being,

It amused me that this was the second time I'd wanted to kill Richtofen, and now the desire was so much stronger than before. It annoyed me, basically, because things were fine enough before the arrival of the men. Yeah, there was a zombie apocalypse. I know I wasn't getting any closer to my goals. I am also aware of the fact that it would not have lasted forever.

Still, at least I hadn't been so angry...and confused...

Things had changed in my domain and now I was being forced to confront it. Jeez, I really need servants for this mess. If the fools were mine, I could just have them take care of the problem. Then again, maybe not, since that'd been Samantha's logic.

Some things, I guess, I just have to face myself. Though I didn't like it.

So, like the pragmatic queen I was, I began planning.

I decided I was going to confront him...then I could watch him in pain before he died. Simple plan, yes, but those tended to be the best.

I banged open the doors to the lobby, marching in without even closing them. My military boots sounded loud in the silent lobby room. Well, it wasn't all silent. The sound of metal on stone filled my ears in long, measured rasps.

With a flick of my raven-black hair, I twisted my head towards the noise with a wrench of my neck muscles. I spied Takeo, sitting calmly on the staircase and sharpening his katana with a grey stone. He froze. His eyes flashed up in alarm until he realized it was me.

I jerked forward with my muscles, and clomped up to him. I glared downward as he sat there, continuing with his task and seemingly nonplussed at my rough gait and the anger he probably knew was radiating from me.

"Where is Richtofen?" I demanded.

Blood roared in my ears as I gazed down at the Samurai. His mustached face twitched with an unreadable grimace as I watched.

Takeo turned his gaze up to my own. "You are angry with the doctor..."

"Ummm. Noooooo," I responded sarcastically. "I have an appointment! Of course, I'm angry at him!"

"Why?" Takeo laid down the sharpening rock next to him, stretching his muscles and gripping his katana. I watched him ruffle out like a waking bird, adjusting his blood stained uniform and hat as if they were his feathers.

"Just tell me where he's at, and it's none of your business!" I snapped.

Takeo stood up at that, holding up his blade a moment, not taking his eyes from my own. I glared at him as he sheathed it calmly, having finished his task. The ring of metal on leather filled my ears as it fit perfectly in its sheath. He towered over me, being a step higher up on the stairs. His narrow, hazel eyes were fierce, the sharpness of his square face severe and framed in short dark hair. Age and stress lines were apparent on the warrior's forehead.

"Maybe it is not my business," he agreed in a soft voice. "But if you are planning to kill him, you will have to go through me." He declared, eyes glittering.

I blinked. How did he figure I was planning to kill? Besides, why would he waste his life for that worthless monster?

I folded my arms, crinkling my green Nazi coat. It was rather ironic attire, considering the object of my hate at the moment. Oh well, I could wear whatever I wanted.

"What makes you think I'm going to kill him?" I demanded, feeling annoyed.

"You've got that look in your eyes like you had earlier, when you attacked the American..." He described seriously, pointing at my face calmly. "I've seen that challenge in many of the young samurai's eyes before, just as they prepare to go into a doomed fight with their greatest enemy..."

"I need to speak with him," I tried, not backing down, becoming annoyed at his prophetic observations. "Besides, you can't protect him forever...his fate will catch up with him, Takeo."

The samurai looked away at those words. He finally just exhaled, lowered his arm slowly, and walked past me towards a lobby window. He peered through it like a hawk, probably searching for the fools. I noted that he seemed tense again, as if he were ready for a fight.

I stared at him, wondering if he was going to answer me.

"Takeo?" I asked.

He stopped, going as still as a statue, and looked at me. "I believe that Richtofen is at the teleporter...just don't do something you will regret, Tanya." He advised.

Despite the way it must have sounded, I knew it was not a threat, but an attempt to be helpful. However, I was beyond help from anyone. Especially strangers.

I laughed at that. "I already have, trust me!"

He stepped away from the window and crossed the room in short, quick strides. He closed the doors at the front that I'd left ajar quickly, and they groaned on their hinges. He did so silently, saying nothing as his body relaxed with his work. He crouched to the floor, collecting bullet casings I hadn't noticed before. As he came to his feet, he rolled them in his hand, tossing them over his left shoulder into the barricade behind him and saying something in Japanese.

They clattered onto the floor in the window, rolling away like broken memories.

Suddenly, I couldn't stand being in his silent presence anymore. It was too calming.

I spun on my heels and took off from the room, my vision turning a slight tint of red as I cast my gaze towards the stage, thinking of the person I was hating more and more all the time. I stopped walking, anger burning through me as I checked my rifle. I fumbled a moment with the clips, my vision doubling as I fumed.

Nova was brimming with ammo and I'd even put a few extra clips in my pocket for future use. I ran my hand over the stock and sighed.

"Time for yet another death..." Then I hesitated.

If I killed Richtofen, how would I get the others to leave? I suppose I could just kill them too, but then there would be nothing to gain from that. I didn't think I had the stomach to kill them anymore... Once upon a time, maybe. I wished I could go back to last week, before they'd all shown up.

Back to balance.

It didn't matter though. I could deal with that problem later. I was just going to take out 'A' on my list and worry about 'B' when I needed to.

I allowed my anger to boil back up because it had never really faded, only waited.

I marched onto the old stage. The teleporter sat nearby, electricity glittering up its sides and cables, reflecting calmly on the stained floor. It made the darker corners of the room seem deeper and mysterious. I'd never seen the teleporter so ripe with energy before. I guess Richtofen had been working on it.

My shadow danced in the electric blue light, and I noted that Nova was tinted a rather nice color from it. A refreshing change from the constant red everywhere. I took in the fact that the corpses from the fight earlier were gone and I wondered at that. I cast my gaze around for Richtofen, but I didn't see him anywhere.

Maybe he wasn't here afterall.

Then suddenly, I heard a noise behind me and I whirled around.

It was him.

Richtofen. He stepped rather calmly from the shadows near the curtain of the stage. His tan coat reflected the blue, giving it an odd greenish tinge. He was fully dressed in his military style general uniform. His visor was straight and his coat as neat as it could get with the various blood stains. And then, to add an insult to my injury, his Nazi armband seemed to have adjusted, becoming more pronounced in the harsh electrical lights.

"Tanya..." He said, something was different in his voice though, it seemed rather low for his usual high octaves. His eyes glinted viciously a marine color in the light. I instantly raised my rifle, muscles clenching up in anger.

"Don't you dare move!" I ordered, becoming tense.

He become statue-like, his green eyes burning through me with something I couldn't tell.

"What are you doing?!" He snapped, frowning at me.

"You lied!" I growled, glaring at him angrily.

"About what?" He folded his arms indignantly.

"Everything..." I widened my stance, wanting to be completely stable when I pulled the trigger.

He scoffed, "Well, you're going to have to be a little more specific."

"First off, about me!" I snapped.

He actually smiled. He leaned against the teleporter easily, looking calm and turning his gaze upward to the ceiling, as if he were bored.

He said almost wistfully, "A Miss Tanya Dreiser...They called you Schwarzer Rabe, for your hair. And thus, the birth of Projekt Rabe. I don't know why though. I guess the others were amazed by the ripe genetic orchard we'd just discovered, waiting to be plucked and utilized. I remembered that experiment, true, even when I feigned ignorance. It's because I wanted you to remember Tanya, that meant I truly succeeded."

I was instantly confused, a stab of my resolve wavered and I growled inwardly, annoyed with him. Why was he always juggling my thoughts around to where I couldn't keep up with him? I would get so confused if I wasn't careful, that it would be impossible to keep ahold of one thing at a time.

He never responded the way I expected. How could plan ahead if I couldn't even prepare for his words?

"How?" I whispered finally.

"The element had the classic pattern of causing amnesia to its...hosts..."

"I never forgot any of it!" I snapped. "I only pushed it away."

"Do you remember the phrase I gave to you then, just before our retreat?" He plowed on, ignoring my statement. "Hide in the floor, behind the door, until the clock chimes four, the end of the war..."

I did. We'd rehearsed that rhyme for days, weeks, months. With each injection, each test. Then, the day came when the camp was abandoned. Prisoners were rounded up and the Nazis left. Richtofen brought me to his office and asked me to recite it to him. I did, and he showed me the trapdoor under his desk.

He told me to stay there and to leave only when I heard everyone gone. Then, to stay past that until I heard more voices. Then the door shut, and I was deprived of daylight for so long. Everything was denied to me then, the element keeping me alive past hunger, fear and fatigue. I fell into a deep sleeplike hibernation...

I always thought he'd abandoned me there in that little room where he'd told me to wait.

Then the Allies came and found me.

It turned out, I'd been in there for five days. They couldn't fathom how I'd survived.

I guess I remembered even more than I realized.

"It saved your life, Tanya! I saved you from the firing squad that awaited all of the Jews then...or the noose..." He smiled, shifting from the teleporter to look at me again.

"What...just so you could see how your lab rat turned out!? I waited five days..." I demanded, glaring at him, feeling unnerved.

He nodded, "exactly! Proving the success. I wanted to see how it went...partially, I suppose. I didn't want to see such a waste of an interesting specimen of a promising experiment."

"And this...is still...ongoing?"

"Apparently. It's too bad that it's too late to make much of it, what with half the world dead. I plan to change that! And maybe we can go from rotten corpses to humans. That's how science works! Start with the best you can get and build up from there."

I growled with anger, "I hate you."

He didn't even blink. "You have no idea how many people have said that to me. But I'm still curious...why?"

"You killed Mother. You left me alone. You made me believe something was one way, when it was the other!"

"I never misled you then. I did yesterday, but that was the only time. I left you alone when I had no other choice. The Nazis would never had let me take you with me and keep you alive."

I made a high noise of anger in my throat. "And my mother?!"

"She was broken, starving, and after that day, alone. A loose end. The way I see it, I did her a favor."

I felt tears in the back of my eyes just thinking of her. Of course this black-hearted bastard didn't care.

He spoke, "You see, Tanya, I couldn't let you die yesterday. Not then. Not now. Especially since the experiment was successful beyond your wildest imaginations."

"How?"

"Everyone in the entire world died at the source of the outbreak. But here you are, over a couple of decades later, still thriving. I have never had such success! And now, I've found you! And I don't dare lose this opportunity again."

"WHY? You'd better have a really good reason!"

"I can go so far with your DNA...so far."

"I will make you suffer!" I declared.

"Then, do it..." he laughed. "I feel I have suffered a million years of pain and hatred already. I will take yours just as readily!"

What the hell did that mean?

I trembled with ferocious fury, my finger twitched on the trigger of my weapon, wanting to pull it. Sweat beaded on my brow, and the sound of my heartbeat thrummed impossibly loudly in my own ears. My hands felt clammy as my discomfort grew. I should have just pulled the damn trigger, but I was unable to.

I don't know why. I just couldn't.

I lowered my rifle, knowing I'd been defeated by my enemy.

Damn, I was so weak now...I hated it.

"Just go..." I muttered, humiliated by my pathetic actions. "Whenever that teleporter is ready. Go and never come back. I don't want to see you again, and I want to just get back to my life here."

He laughed shrilly at that. "DON'T YOU SEE?! It's too late for that!"

I shot him a confused look.

"I always finish what I start!" He continued. "I always come back to the loose ends if they aren't lost. I'm not letting you out of my sight again, my dear." He stated with a maniacal laugh.

He took a step towards me, then another.

I whipped my gun up. "Stop!" I hissed.

Again, he stepped forward.

"You won't kill me." He stated confidently.

"Stop!" I growled.

Another step.

"STOP!" I yelled, hands trembling on Nova.

"I made sure you wouldn't kill me..." He whispered, coming closer.

"What? How?" Again with making me jumbled up!

"By saving your life." He chuckled. "Science shows, that when a human saves another human being's life. They become more likely to like them. I saved your life TWICE!"

"Your science is impaired!" I snapped.

"Then do it, Tanya," he goaded. "If you really hate me so much...kill me!" He pressed himself right against the barrel of my gun, tip inches from his heart. His eyes were staring down at mine challengingly. The stuck-up idiot looked too calm for someone about to die. He thought he wasn't going to, but that wasn't true.

I pulled the trigger just to prove him wrong.

A dull click rang through my ears.

I tried again.

Nothing.

I snarled in frustration. I had just loaded it, I thought. I glanced down at the clip, and to my horrified realization, I'd unintentionally loaded the empty one back into my gun. I must've been too distracted by my line of thoughts earlier...and my anger.

"See?" He laughed, sound vibrations running down my gun like taunts to my clammy fingers. "You're mind already prevented it, Tanya. I made you mine then and now. You will never kill me!"

I stood there, trembling. He was so close. My knife was in my belt, I could just pull it out and stab his heart.

I couldn't though.

"You messed me up..." I whispered desperately, feeling as weak and thin as a willow. "My father died because I was messed up...I couldn't think straight after the concentration camp because of you! He died, because I was unable to cope with the problems that came!"

Richtofen pushed the barrel of Nova down, grinning at the accusation.

"Is that so? Well, he must not have loved you much to begin with, having renounced you and your mother to your dooms just to join the Fuhrer's Aryans!"

"You're WRONG!" I screamed.

But he wasn't. Father wasn't in the concentration camp with us, as he'd not been Jewish when he'd married Mother. The Nazis had welcomed any non-Jews who renounced the Jews. Even if it meant leaving their own families. It's sad but true...because it happened more often than it should have.

"I'm not." He reached forward and touched my hand gently. "Meine Frau..."

I flinched back like I was burned. "Stay away from me!"

I turn and fled.

"Tanya! Get back here!" He called.

I leapt from the stage in a single bound, bolting over the old planks onto the rotten carpet. I ran faster than ever, fleeing him. I realized dimly that I was trying to outrun my history again. Trying to elude it, to escape the wrongs of the past. I was running from myself.

I sped down the theater aisle and burst into the lobby, clearing the counter with a fierce jump. I saw Takeo, leaning against Quick Revive. His gaze was trained on me as I ran past.

I ran outside, to the dark brick road. Abandoned cars were littered everywhere, forgotten in the bright moonlight. The cool night air made me slow for just a moment, and then I pressed on, sprinting for my life.

I only wished that running would do something good for me.


End of chapter 9

I apologize for any typos as I self-edit and it tends to get to where I miss things...no matter how much I read it!


Translation - Schwarzer Rabe = Black Raven. Projekt Rabe = Project Raven.