McChocobos
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There is only one way this shit can go. And that is south.
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There are two ways one can approach a drive through.
Roxas learns this one afternoon when Kairi decides, apropos of nothing, to forsake her calorie count and demand fast food. Roxas suspects PMS (or some other menstrual, hormonal activity) to be the true culprit – for his girlfriend does not usually deviate this far from her salad grazing norm. As it turns out, Kairi just wants to ingest something salty for a change.
Roxas has a come back for that, but he refrains from using it. One can probably surmise its contents on their own.
McChocobo's is situated adjacent to the dynamic duo's typical haunting grounds, and Roxas, after a fifteen minute prerequisite make out session ('The car had trouble starting, we should totally wait here for a couple of minutes for the battery to recharge.' 'Roxas, that makes absolutely no frickin' sense. I may be a red head but I know how to operate the basic machinations of a car.' Further protest was squashed when Roxas pressed his lips to hers. Sly bastard.) finally makes his way over to the food joint in question.
"Okay, so, Kai, what do you want?"
"Excuse me, Mr. Misogynist, I can order for myself."
"…What the hell, Kairi? There's a difference between misogyny and chivalry. Would you like to pick up the tab, too?"
"I could if I wanted to," Kairi sniffs, enjoying her daily allotment of being supremely difficult just for the hell of it. It was kinda hot for the first ten months. Now it seems more like a chore. Hopefully she'll be distracted by greasy fries and a side order of something dangerously carbonated.
"Just pull up to the display. I'll take two egg sandwiches and one large strawberry banana smoothie."
"I thought your sudden bout with feminism dictated you order those things yourself."
Kairi's eyes glimmer with something Roxas can not identify, but figures he'll be victim to soon enough.
Roxas has never been one for drive throughs. He doesn't like the anonymity of it. He would much rather order his food in person, from a human being, and perhaps have a polite exchange. Kairi, on the other hand, seems to be all about efficiency for reasons unknown. Apparently there is a flash sale going on at her favorite boutique, and Roxas' neanderthal urges have already put them behind schedule. He couldn't really argue there. Then again, she hadn't exactly seemed to mind. At the time.
"Just drive," Kairi orders, trying to diffuse the tension by doing something menial – mainly powdering her nose via the drop down mirror.
('It's not powdering, Roxas – this is foundation! Have you not learned anything since we started dating? Marluxia would be ashamed.')
He doesn't even bother to comment on her beauty regime anymore. It mystifies him in ways he has stopped trying to express. He's just happy he doesn't have to deal with the thirty minute process of aligning one's innate facial features in a way that should be deemed socially pleasing. It always made them two hours late. And Kairi made a point of complaining about Roxas' supreme lack of driving skills whenever she attempted to apply eyeliner right when he had to navigate a speed bump. He suspects she does some things on purpose, just to break his balls. He lets her. Sometimes the bickering led to make out/make up sessions.
As Roxas rolls into the predesignated lane and gives the neon menu a cursory glance, he tries to formulate what it is, exactly, that he wants to digest.
"Is nothing an option?" he wonders to himself.
He thinks Kairi tries to respond, but the tube of lip gloss that is currently adhered to her lower lip is preventing anything coherent from reaching him.
He isn't used to making decisions of such gravity (for food was serious business, especially for an adolescent male) on such short notice. He's also unsure of whether or not Kairi is going to follow through with her neo feminism and order for herself, or if he is expected to do the gentlemanly thing and proceed with such inquiries for her.
Roxas clears his throat.
This is awkward for him. He can not see who he is talking to. And he decides that he does not like it.
"Um, hello, can someone take my order?"
A voice crackles to life.
"Kupo! Yes, I am here! Welcome to McChocobos, how may I help you, kupo?"
Roxas balks. "Oh, um – no, that's great and all, but I'm not ready to place an order yet or anything, I just drove up and am currently in the process of going through your rather extensive menu."
Kairi shoots him a sideways glance.
"I was studying for the SATS," he grumbles, by way of an explanation for his gratuitous sentence structure. "The book said to try to use the vocab words in real life situations to ensure familiarity."
"Please don't."
"Look, you order your way, I'll order mine. I really want to get into college."
"Honey, I doubt they are going to test you on your skill to negotiate a fast food menu."
"Vocab," he reiterates pettily, and then continues to try and speed read his way through a host of options. While his brain tries to process the eighteen thousand different possible combinations, he attempts to small talk the moogle.
"So, how are you this fine day?"
The moogle in question remains silent for a moment.
"… May I take your order, kupo?"
"Yes, in a minute – it's just, the menu. I'm feeling very pressured. I just need a minute. Um. Can you recommend something savory?"
"Savory?" Kairi echoes. "We're at McChocobos, not a five star restaurant."
"SATs," Roxas hisses, then returns his attention back to the speaker.
"Kupo … the Number Four combo seems to be fairly popular."
"Oh. Okay. Um. Now, is that fried or grilled? And are the vegetables organic?"
"Kupo … seeing as though it is a grilled cheese sandwich, kupo, I would say grilled. And no comment on the vegetables, sir." The moogle waits a beat, and then adds, "kupo!" for good measure.
"Roxas, this isn't rocket science. Just pick something. There are people behind us."
"We wouldn't have that problem if you hadn't insisted on using the drive through to save time."
"We wouldn't have had to save time if you hadn't insisted on ramming your tongue down my throat."
"… Kupo?"
"Uh, sorry about that," Roxas grumbles. "Domestic dispute."
The moogle takes the high road and remains respectfully silent.
"Ooh, look, they have cinnamon twists!"
And just like that, our gallant hero is distracted by sugar and saccharine.
"Roxas – this is lunch. Not the munchies."
"Um. Concerning the drinks," Roxas begins, still trying to assemble a theoretical meal in his head. "How large is the large?"
Kairi exhales something non complimentary.
"It's twice the size of the small, kupo."
Roxas scrunches his nose up.
"Well, that's all fine and dandy, but how large is the small?"
"The small is not large. It is small, kupo. The large is the large one."
Roxas resists the urge to throttle the closest human/moogle/chocobo or otherwise, within his immediate proximity.
"Your drive through menu could benefit from some more informative photographs."
"Kupo, the display is to your left."
"Yes, but that's not to scale," Roxas complains, looking at a small drink and a large drink side by side – both bigger than his head as they were photographed in macro next to a sandwich that look capable of feeding a small third world nation.
"Just get bottled water," Kairi sighs, cradling her forehead in her hands.
Horns are beginning to sound behind him.
"Those come in different sizes, too," he points out. "Like, the portable ones, the economic ones, the ones you buy in bulk, the – "
Kairi has decided she's had enough of this shit.
She unceremoniously leans over Roxas' lap (he couldn't help but get excited for a split second, but then remembered she was doing this for efficiency) and begins to shout into the speaker.
"How many milliliters are in your bottled water?"
"… Kupo?"
"My boyfriend insists on being difficult. How much water is in your bottled water?"
There is a sound in which Roxas could only assume the moogle in question is checking the nutrition label on a renegade bottle of water.
"16.9 fluid ml."
"I don't do metric," he pouts in defiance to Kairi's sudden authoritarian onslaught.
"For the love of – " Kairi begins, but then tries to compose herself. The cacophony of car horns continues to swell behind them. "Get him a medium sized coffee. Decaf."
"But are the beans free roaming?"
The moogle actually sounds amused but is too ashamed to admit it.
"Kupo, sir, our coffee beans do not … roam, in general."
"Then you've clearly never had explosive diarrhea."
"Ohmigosh," Kairi sighs, hand migrating to the side of her face in mock embarrassment. She is trying to repress a smile. Maybe.
She reaches down and puts all her weight on her left hand, which is situated directly over Roxas' unprotected crotch.
Or not.
"Look, here's my order – okay? Two egg muffins and one large strawberry banana smoothie! Got it?"
"Kupo, yes ma'am!"
"See?" she hisses, her face inches from Roxas (because he doesn't do metric) "That's how it's done."
"Does it bother you?" Roxas questions in the wake of Kairi's order. Kairi settles herself back into shotgun and looks at him. "Not you, dear – I'm talking to the moogle."
"Kupo? Does that complete your order?"
"No. But before I add to that, does it bother you? Sitting there all day being barked at by people like my prementapausal girlfriend and faceless individuals just snapping orders without the slightest bit of interest in your well being?"
The moogle pauses.
"I mean, you must be starved for decent conversation. No pun intended."
"Kupo, sir, this is a drive thru, not a dating service."
Kairi literally snorts.
"I'm just trying to be – " Roxas was going to say friendly , but then remembered the looming SATs and thought better of it " – amicable."
"You're not being very amicable to the eighteen thousand people behind us," Kairi scoffs.
"Your order, kupo," the moogle says by way of trying to do his or her job and keep the line moving.
"Yeah. Well. I guess I'm already ordering an organic serving of free roaming decaf coffee beans." He blinks. "That option isn't on the menu, by the way. You really need to update this thing."
"Kupo."
"Alright, alright – uh, I'll get a … quessoritta? No, quesoritto. Wow, I just used the feminine pleural."
"Our food does not identify by gender," the moogle dead pans. Apparently Roxas has reached the nebulous line of other species patience.
"Well, that makes sense. It's not sentient, last I checked. But in some foreign languages – "
"If you require an Al Bhed translator, Rikku will be with you shortly."
In the wake of this new information, Roxas looks over at his girlfriend and beams something blinding.
"See? Lookie here – I told you I'd make a new friend!"
"Yeah, that's great, dear – except for one small problem. You don't speak Al Bhed."
"How hard can it be?"
Kairi remains nonplussed.
The speaker once again crackles to life beside them.
"Rammu, ruf lyh e ramb oui drec veha yvdanhuuh?"
Silence.
"Rammu?" the girl, apparently named Rikku, tries again.
"Rammu!" Roxas repeats.
"You don't even know what that means!" Kairi squeals. "You could have just used the f-word, for all we know!"
"Rammu has too many letters to be the f-word."
The disembodied voice of Rikku cuts into the conversation of her own volition.
"That would be pronounced vilg, in basic," the girl on the other side of the intercom says. Silence. "Just sayin'."
" … did the drive through attendant just curse me off?" Roxas wonders out loud.
"No, of course not, silly!" Here the speaker giggles in the wake of the declaration. "If I wanted to curse you off, I would have said: vilg oui, ycc feba!"
"Hey, Kai, can you write this shit down? I seriously don't want to forget this. Al Bhed swear words could come in handy!"
"What, for the SATs?" Kairi drips sardonically. "I don't think so. Hurry up at order something. I'm missing my flash sale."
Kairi, though she would loath to admit it at the time, was also feeling a little bit jealous. She never aspired to learn Al Bhed, per se, but after seeing the kick her boyfriend got out of such novelties, she considers remedying the situation immediately, if not sooner.
"How do you say: I am currently missing my flash sale because my boyfriend is too busy making a fool of himself?" Kairi snaps, her hunger getting the better of her. (Well, that and her hormones.)
"Pedlr," Rikku responds without missing a beat.
" … Are you sure? Because that doesn't sound long enough."
Roxas snorts irreverently through his nose.
"I think I know that one," he muses, trying to swallow his laughter. "Axel's used it once or twice when trying to reference Larxene."
Kairi's eyes turn to twin vertical slits. "And you think that this is funny?"
"Well, I mean, you're not exactly being cordial."
Kairi simmers in discontent.
"Ya know what? I bet this Rikku girl is hideous. Just because she knows how to swear in Al Bhed – "
"E ghuf suna dryh zicd ruf du cfayn eh ym prat, tynmehk."
" – yeah, whatever that meant; I bet she has a face that looks like she got smashed with a shovel."
Seeing Kairi get her panties all up in a twist never ceases to amuse him.
"I've decided I'm going to order in Al Bhed."
"You don't know Al Bhed!"
"Yeah, but Rikku does – and she'll help me, isn't that right, Rikku?"
"Of course!"
Kairi did not trust this Rikku character. Too much chirping. She probably downed amphetamines for breakfast. Nobody in customer service was allowed to be this, well, this obnoxiously happy.
"So, the way we left it with Mister Moogle, who for some reason thought I needed a translator – "
"No you don't need a translator, Roxas. Stupidity is universal."
" – ignore her, someone lit the fuse on her tampon."
"Yes, I can tell," Rikku agrees.
Kairi glares daggers, machetes, butcher knifes, and cleavers at the speaker in question.
"I was apparently ordering organic free roaming decaffeinated coffee beans, and had yet to decide on an actual meal."
"As you can see, we have plenty of options. Would you like them listed in Basic or Al Bhed?"
"How about both?"
Kairi has a limit, and that limit has been reached.
She tears open the car door and immediately begins stalking towards the entrance to McChocobos.
"I thought you didn't want to go inside!" Roxas yelps from the car.
But Kairi is already out of ear shot and far too pissed to care.
She shoves her way passed a multitude of characters who were waiting in line for Greasy Combo No. 5, not caring how many accusatory stares she garners, and pushes her way past the counter where three very baffled cashiers are busy taking orders.
"Ma'am, can we help you?"
Kairi silences the non-descript cashier with naught but a glance and proceeds to delve deeper into the bowels of McChocobos. "Pedlr," she hisses, without pause. "She thinks I don't know what pedlr means."
Eventually she comes face to – well, not exactly face to face, more like face to back of a very blonde and buyout head – and taps said person on the shoulder as gently as she possibly could.
The situation is worse than she expected. Rikku is not ungainly or homely, but downright beautiful – a bright young face coupled with a size two waist – and Kairi immediately feels justified in the wake of her jealousy.
"I am not a pedlr," Kairi says, hands on hips in an image of defiance. "Not all of us are Al-Bhed oblivious. What would your manager say if I were to tell him you called an impending customer a bitch?"
"He'd probably agree with me, seeing as though you're standing in the middle of the kitchen holding up the drive thru line."
"I doubt that. I'd like to see him, if you don't mind."
"Cid isn't here, he's away at a conference."
"What type of conference does the manager of a McChocobo's attend?!"
Rikku's eyes narrow as she stares her opponent down. She is proud of her job and proud of this drive thru – all employees included – and does not appreciate the condescending tone Kairi has acquired since talking to her.
"He's smarter than you, that's for sure."
Kairi dismisses the insult and goes straight for the head piece Rikku is wearing. She hastily latches the microphone onto her own head and proceeds to converse with her stranded boyfriend.
"She called me a bitch," Kairi says into the mouthpiece. "Pedlr means bitch, for your information. I asked to see the manager but he's not here."
"… But she seemed so friendly," Roxas muses after a moment dedicated to silence. "Well, don't take it personally, Kairi. She must have had a long day. She's probably over worked and underpaid and has to support five children. You don't know these things."
"Why are you taking her side?"
"What's he saying?" Rikku asks, for now she is without her ear piece and is only privy to one side of the conversation.
"He says you're overworked and underpaid and suspects you have to support five children," Kairi snaps before returning her attention back to Roxas. "Why are you defending the emotional needs of everyone in this restaurant, by the way? First you ask the moogle if he is starved for conversation and then you excuse this girl's cattiness because you suspect she's got five separate mouths to feed. Well, lemme tell you something, I'm looking at her right now and there's no way she birthed five children." Her body is too perfect, Kairi thinks but does not say. She has no desire to feed Roxas' imagination.
"Ask if she's single."
"What?!"
"No no no, don't get mad, I'm going somewhere with this, I swear!"
Kairi chooses to go along with this line of inquiry because she lacks a better one.
"My boyfriend would like to know if you're single."
"Oac."
"In Basic!" Kairi hisses.
"Yes."
"Yes, she is single. Why do you care?"
Roxas sighs. "See Kairi? She could be a single mother with quintuplets trying to survive on minimum wage! No wonder she's so stressed."
"For your information, my boyfriend thinks you are struggling to get by and are trying to raise a horde of children on one salary and no benefits."
"I never said she doesn't have benefits," Roxas says.
Kairi all but snaps. "I think we're done here. I demand a free meal."
Rikku pauses. "But that would cancel out my tip."
"Tip? How stupid do you think we are? Who tips at a drive thru?"
Rikku wordlessly points to an empty jar on the counter by the cash register. Sure enough, it's got the word TIPS emblazoned on it with black sharpie.
"Maybe we should tip," Roxas muses. "Ask if she gets paid vacation time. Or maternity leave."
"I refuse to not pay for my meal and then tip the very server who was the reason the meal should be free in the first place!"
"Well, at least let me donate to Kids With Cancer. I've been spending some quality time at this drive thru window and they're advertising this charity foundation on the side of the building."
Kairi can't very well say no to childhood cancer. That really would make her a pedlr.
"Fine," she acquiesces. "You can donate to Kids With Cancer. But no tipping!"
"Think of the children!"
"For the last time, this girl has no children!"
"But what if she's trying to save for college?"
"Roxas!"
"Okay, okay, fine – we'll just assume she can afford her bachelor's and isn't supporting a family. But you never know!"
"Would you like me to interrogate the moogle while I'm back here? See if he's struggling to get by as well?"
"Well, now that you mention it … "
Kairi thrusts the head piece back at her newfound enemy.
"You're meal was done twenty minutes ago," Rikku dead pans. She derives some joy over the fact it will now be served cold.
Kairi rips the bag out of Rikku's hand.
"Thank you so much for completely negating the purpose of a drive thru."
All this and she probably missed her flash sale, too. Some days you just can't win.
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Author's Notes
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Dedicated to the lovely Miss Adair for inspiring me to update this fic! Thanks for the review, m'dear, and for writing Not Another Carbon Copy! Long live the Roxas x Kairi pairing!
I'm trying to remember where I intended to go with this – it's been so long all I remember is the intended ending. Long story short: you may end up with more than ten chapters, maybe eleven or twelve and an epilogue. Not sure yet.
Thank you for reading! Lemme know what store you think they should visit next!
(I will gladly reciprocate a review with a review, if your heart so desires. It may take a while, but it will eventually happen!)
