Jess woke up Sam the next morning because she was nervous and dropped a cup in the kitchen. He cleaned away the mess without a word; a silent thank you for not having insisted that he tell her what the phone call that had made him cry last night had been about.
He hadn't wanted to talk because he didn't know how he felt about it. He'd said the words he'd often wished to say to Dean. But he hadn't said them to Dean, not really; the man who needed to hear them was not there, not back yet; but if he had been, he wouldn't have believed him, wouldn't have accepted that he was Sam's idea of what a father should be like, not John.
Maybe he'd gotten closer to putting it through his brother's skull. Maybe. Perhaps Dean would recall all of this once he was back to normal.
Jess was always unusually quiet before exams, but she smiled when he relayed Dean's message, and she left with a promise that they'd soon be on their way to Kansas.
At moments like these, Sam was inclined to believe his brother. Jess was way too good for him.
Although his alarm woke him at six, Dean woke up feeling cheerful. He hadn't had any more flashes, but he knew the truth about his father and Sam, and he was going to Bobby's to work on cars.
Before that, though, he had to say goodbye to Benny.
His friend was already up, only waiting for him, and when Dean saw him glance at the kitchen, he said, "Don't even think about it. You should go. We don't want Elizabeth angry".
He chuckled. "We don't. I have to convince her to meet you one day".
"Yes, please. Would be fun to gang up on you".
With such pleasant reflections passed the rest of Benny's visit – just long enough to have a quick cup of coffee – and then he accompanied him to his bike, noting it was well cared for, just like the Impala.
Benny pulled Dean into a hug.
"Remember what you promised, brother".
"I will," Dean replied and watched him drive off until he turned the corner.
When he got back, Cas was making breakfast in the kitchen.
He turned his head as soon as Dean entered the room, smiling at him, the small, genuine smile he seemed to reserve for him, and the morning got even better.
He should fight this. This infatuation could lead to nothing. Cas might be giving him signals, but he could only see what he wanted to see.
But Cas made damn good scrambled eggs.
"I talked to Sam yesterday" Dean said between bites, "he told me how we grew up".
Cas nodded.
"I'm glad the kid turned out as well as he did," he added.
He didn't know why he excluded himself from the statement. For having to bring up himself and a younger brother, his life wasn't bad. But he couldn't help but feel that there could be more. Having gone to McPherson College to study restoration, perhaps. More friends. A relationship.
He looked at Cas, sipping his coffee.
Not going there. Definitely not. Never going there. Don't even think about it.
"You have every reason to be proud of what Sam accomplished. Without you, he wouldn't have done it," Cas said simply.
Dean nodded.
Cas went back to eating breakfast, hoping Dean couldn't read his emotions. Dean accepting praise was a rare sight. Dean believing that he deserved said praise was even rarer. Hopefully he would be more inclined to do so once his memories came back.
Cas wanted to ask if he had experienced more flashes, but Dean would undoubtedly have told him.
"Man, Cas, these are awesome," Dean sighed.
"So you'll eat breakfast regularly then?"
"I make no promises".
Cas shook his head and Dean imagined leaning forward, kissing him because he could, because he was allowed to.
His phone rang and destroyed the moment, thankfully, Dean told himself, thankfully.
It was Sam of course.
"Jess taking her test?"
"Yes, and she was nervous, but she's been studying so much she has to pass".
"Did you tell her that?"
"She would have bitten my head off".
"I definitely like her already".
Dean's part of the conversation was enough for Cas to follow; the brothers falling back into their familiar banter was certainly a good sign. Soon Dean would remember and things would be back to normal.
For a moment, Cas had thought he would kiss him. And worse, for a moment he had wanted him to. But it wasn't right.
He hadn't talked to Balthazar in a while, he realized. He probably should call him. It had calmed him down the last time.
He stood up and smiled at Dean as an excuse before going to his room – the guest room. It wasn't his. This wasn't his home. Although he had seldom felt more comfortable anywhere else.
Balthazar picked up on the second ring.
"Cassie! I'd thought you'd gone missing! Please tell me that you're all tired out from some – "
"Balthazar," Cas interrupted him, because he certainly didn't need his friend to give him ideas.
"Sorry," he apologized, probably brought to his senses by Cas' sharp tone. "How are you all doing?"
"Dean had a memory flash. Just us going fishing after Sam went to college, but we hope he might experience more".
"That's great news, Cassie. Everything has to start somewhere".
"I suppose... Dean wants to go to the salvage yard later. Try and work on a few cars".
"I'm no doctor, but it sounds like a good idea".
"Yes," Cas confirmed. He really didn't want to go over this with Balthazar again, didn't want to touch the subject he really wanted to talk about.
He sensed his reluctance and inquired, "Do you want to catch lunch while Dean's working?"
Cas' first instinct was to say no; but it was completely absurd and easily repressed. Dean couldn't want him while he was working, and Bobby would be there.
So he happily agreed and went back to the kitchen were Dean was doing the dishes.
"I think I'm gonna lay down, catch a few more hours," he said, "We don't go to Bobby's till the afternoon".
"You wanted to get up with Benny".
"Because I'm an awesome friend".
"I never doubted that, Dean".
Dean didn't comment, but silently cleaned the last dish and was soon back in his room. Cas, who never could get back to sleep after getting up, decided to work on his article in the meantime.
Not long after Dean's call, there was knock on the door of Sam's and Jess' apartment, and he went to open it already guessing who it was.
Jess's parents had announced that they would come on the day of the exam to celebrate, to make it possible for them to return to Kansas the following morning, and Sam tried to tell them how much it meant to him, but Jess' mother would take none of it.
"He's your family, dear. Jess wants to support you. I'm sure you'd do the same for her".
There was a subtle warning in her voice, and Sam assured her that of course he would, which even seemed to reconcile Mr. Moore to his daughter's leaving so soon.
He also promised to visit them soon with Jess, and they settled down to wait.
It was past two when Dean came out of his room, and Cas rolled his eyes good-naturedly before handing him the keys to the Impala. Dean looked happy, eager to be working, and Cas had to smile the whole way. This is how he'd always been when it came to cars, to fixing what was broken. It came naturally to him.
Bobby was waiting for them while very aptly pretending not to be, but from the moment Dean stepped out of the car, cars were all they talked about.
Cas left them over an engine, discussing details he had never managed to understand when Dean had tried to explain them to him, Dean having graciously allowed him the use of the Impala.
He sent Balthazar a text, and he was already waiting for him in the restaurant near campus they liked to frequent.
"Cassie! Looking good".
He rolled his eyes.
"I look the same as always".
"No you don't. You should have seen yourself when Dean was still in the hospital".
Cas groaned as the comment reminded him of Bobby, Jody, Benny, Sam and all the others who must have seen over the years, who must have known.
"I never meant for it to be obvious," he said, looking down at the table.
"I know. Why do you think no one ever said anything? Well, that plus Dean would have freaked".
He knew that, knew it deep in his bones, and yet... the past few days... the soft smiles and the touches and the hugs –
"Cassie? You still with me?"
Cas looked up, blushing.
"Alright. Hit me".
And it all just came pouring out, this something that was really nothing, this hope that had always been there, without Cas admitting it, suddenly receiving nourishment and blossoming, and how wrong it was, how very, very wrong it was because Dean wasn't himself and Cas was taking advantage, he wasn't setting boundaries, he was encouraging Dean, encouraging him with blushes and smiles, and he didn't know if he would have pulled back that morning if he'd made a move –
"Breathe, please. Castiel! Breathe!"
Cas forced himself to take slow, deep breaths. His head was spinning.
"Don't work yourself up over this. I know it's not easy, but... Cas, don't overthink it. Right now, you're helping your friend through a tough time. Once it's over, who knows..." Cas frowned at him. "Alright, forget my last comment. Just... Be his best friend like you've always been. Stop analyzing your every move".
It was good advice, Cas reflected. Better than driving himself crazy.
He would do best if he abided by it.
He looked at the menu.
"How did the last week of the semester go?"
"And Benny's an awesome cook," Dean said as he used a wrench on a stubborn valve.
"Has to be, working in a restaurant," Bobby answered. "You sure haven't forgotten about this," he commented, watching Dean work.
"It's just like speaking or driving – I know how to do it, I just don't know why," Dean answered absent-mindedly, finishing the motor off. "Let's try".
The car came to life, purring beautifully, and Dean grinned happily at Bobby. It was the third one he'd fixed since he'd arrived two hours ago, Bobby supervising; but he hadn't needed any help.
"I think I'll open the shop".
"When?"
"Next week, probably. I need some time to reconcile the thought of actually running a business". The grin slipped from his face. "A failing business, probably".
"It's not like that, boy. You never came around to modernizing the place – "
"Because Dad didn't want to".
Bobby looked at him and knew.
"They told you?"
He nodded.
"Benny got the ball rolling, and I spoke to Sam and Cas... Thanks for looking after us, Bobby".
"I didn't do enough," was his answer, the one true, unchangeable, unforgivable fact of his life. Bobby had admitted to himself a long time ago that he'd screwed up. He should have faced John and made sure the boys got a happy childhood.
"You were there".
"But not as much as I wanted".
"It still counts, Bobby". Dean looked away and let his gaze sweep over the salvage yard.
"This first impression I got – when I called you Dad in the hospital – you remember?"
He looked back at him and Bobby could only nod. He wasn't likely to forget that as long as he lived.
"It never really changed. I figured out soon enough that Dad wasn't very fatherly, and I always felt you were".
Bobby was not going to cry. Fathers didn't cry in front of their children. And now he was crying. Perfect. He didn't want Dean to feel he hurt him.
He wasn't sure who moved first, but now they were hugging.
"I probably won't see much of Dad," Dean admitted, pulling back, and there were tears on his cheeks too, "but you'll be around, right?"
"You better damn well believe I will be" Bobby growled and then they were laughing, tears not yet dried.
They were really glad no one could see them.
"So," Dean said lightly, "what is it with you and Jody, anyway?"
Bobby pretended to take a swing at him with his tools.
When Cas arrived, he found them drinking coffee in the kitchen, laughing, and his heart swelled.
Don't overthink it, he reminded himself. Balthazar was right.
"Hey, Cas".
"Hello, Dean".
After Dean had told Cas his plans for opening the shop next week and he'd had a cup of coffee, they returned home.
During the drive Dean asked, "And, did you have a good lunch with Balthazar?"
"Yes. We're good friends".
"You told me," he said courtly and Cas frowned. Dean was gripping the steering wheel and did his best to appear, calm but –
Jealous. Dean was jealous.
Cas really tried to just "go with it" and said, "He wanted to know how you were. Said I hadn't been the same when you were in the hospital".
Dean relaxed and Cas was happy.
At home, Dean immediately went to call Sam.
Cas sat down on the sofa and closed his eyes for a moment.
The next thing he knew, Dean was shaking his shoulder.
"Dinner's ready".
"What?" he mumbled, confused. Dean chuckled.
"You were out for two hours. Should've gone back to sleep like I did".
Cas shook his head, trying to clear it, and realized that Dean had tucked him in.
"Come on, sleepyhead, I made pasta".
It didn't matter that he'd eaten only a few hours ago. Dean had cooked for him, and Dean had tugged him in, and Cas didn't think about it and enjoyed the evening.
The next morning, Dean was definitely nervous.
"Dean," Cas said for the hundredth time as they were waiting for Jess and Sam at the airport, "Jess loves you. It's going to be fine."
"I'm meeting my brother's girlfriend, Cas. I want to make a good impression".
"You already have".
"But what if I've changed too much for that to stick?"
"Dean – "
He never got to finish that sentence, because at this moment Sam spotted them and all but tackled Dean.
"How are you?"
"I'll be fine once you let me breathe".
As soon as Sam let go, it was Jess' turn. She pulled back smiling.
"Hello".
"Hi". He whistled. "You look even better than in your pictures. No idea what this big puppy did to get you to go out with him".
"Beg," she shot back.
He liked this girl a lot, just like Sam had prophesized he would.
Since now Jess and Sam had survived their exams, Bobby had been adamant that he wanted to invite them and Dean and Cas to dinner, and they both ignored that it made them sound like a couple.
No one mentioned John in the course of the evening. Dean suspected that Bobby checked up on him occasionally, but since learning the truth, he'd had little to no inclination to talk to his father.
He'd feel bad about it once he regained his memories.
Jody arrived shortly after them, Bobby pretending that he had just invited her as a friend before she kissed him on the cheek, and they spent the next few minutes laughing at him, Bobby meanwhile grumbling in the kitchen.
Jody soon joined him there, to their amusement.
The silence that followed could easily have been embarrassing, like every time Dean tried to reconnect with someone, but Jess wouldn't allow it. She immediately started to describe her test, her life at university, how she and Sam had met (much to his brother's horror) and when Dean heard her pronounce the name Gustav Meynrink in a half-sentence he knew he would force Sam to propose if he didn't do it himself.
"My favourite's The Golem," he interrupted her eagerly in the middle of the story. He was rather impolite, but he'd only ever talked about books with Cas, and he figured it was as good a topic to bond over as anything else.
Jess didn't even bat an eyelid as she replied enthusiastically, which was more than Sam could have done.
Dean had become so much like himself in the past few days that this was all the more surprising, and Cas' calm information of "He has an eBook reader" didn't help much.
"Since when?"
Cas shrugged.
"He's been reading every day, as far as I could tell, mostly in his room".
Dean had often made fun of them for being nerds, and he had always acted like he wasn't interested in books in the slightest. Was this another consequence of their father's ill-advised picture of a "real man"?
Sam was glad that he wasn't there.
At least Dean and Jess got along just as well as they had before.
Eventually, after they had eaten, Jess pulled Dean aside, and Sam saw it with a smile.
"How are you?" she asked eagerly. "I don't mean to pry, but – "
Dean waved her off. "I get it. You're a doctor. If something was wrong with your car, I'd want to check it, too."
"Not a doctor yet".
"Soon enough," he answered and she grinned.
Once he'd satisfied her that he no longer had any physical symptoms, her voice dropped.
"Sam told me you remembered one thing".
"A fishing trip with Cas. And that's it".
"But if one memory is still there, the others have to be as well," she argued. "The human body, for all our medicine and science, is still a mystery. It can heal itself in ways we can't comprehend, and so can the mind. Just wait and see".
It was a mere nothing, and yet Dean felt better after their conversation. He felt relieved, even though he couldn't say he'd been depressed in any way before. Maybe it was just that he liked Jess. Maybe it was just that he wanted hope and confirmation of said hope as often as possible.
Either way, that and Cas' smiles were enough to tide him over so that he was still in a good mood when he came to his next session with Doctor Moseley on Friday.
There was really not much to do but to answer her questions, and as he was talking about his father, he was studying the light in her eyes and sincerely hoped that he wasn't some sort of project for her. Then again, she didn't seem the type. He believed she honestly wanted him to get better.
"There are other methods we could use – hypnotherapy, for one thing – but for now, I suggest you live your life and try not to worry".
Considering this was the advice everybody was giving him, he thought it best to do just that.
