Ephram doesn't sleep. His mother's voice keeps him awake. He tiptoes downstairs and sits on the back porch, smoking and listening to his mother.
"You are a disgrace."
"You should get some new material," Ephram replies, forgetting his surroundings. His voice wakes his father. Ephram is too mentally exhausted to ignore his mother tonight.
"You don't listen! I keep telling you over and over that you're disgracing me, you're such a disappointment but you aren't listening!"
She screams."I hear you, okay? I'm a disappointment, I'm a failure, you hate me, I get it!" Ephram replies. "I just don't know what you want me to do about it…" Ephram leans forward, his eyes lowered.
Andy listens from the inside.
"I don't want to die, Mom…I'd do anything for you, but don't ask me to do that…Dad and Delia…they couldn't handle it…" Ephram murmurs.
"They don't need you, they don't care about you…you're nothing to them…"
She hisses."Don't say that…Delia loves me…" He retorts.
"How do you think she's going to love you when you're like this? She'll be the crazy boy's sister!"
"You're making me the crazy one," Ephram snaps.
"You're a waste. You don't deserve the blood running though your veins…" She hisses.
"Ephram." Andy puts a hand on his son's shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Dad…" Ephram starts to cry from frustration, defeated. Andy puts a blanket over his frail son.
"It's okay," Andy says.
"No, it's not…I want to get better, I want to be okay, but this…I can't live like this…" Ephram says after getting control of himself.
"Come inside, Ephram."
Ephram obeys, exhausted. He lets himself fall asleep to the soothing sound of his father's voice.
Ephram wakes up the next morning on the couch. He doesn't hear his mother. He doesn't see her. He hears the sound of water running and gets up, going into the kitchen.
"Hey."
"Morning, Ephram," Andy says.
"Morning. I feel better. I'm going to go get a shower."
Andy is surprised by his son's words. The phone rings as Ephram is getting dressed. Dr. Brown yells for Ephram to talk to Colin.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Ephram."
"What's up? It's early…" Ephram glances at the clock. "Okay, it's noon…"
"Yeah. Bright, Amy and I cut school today. We were thinking of going hiking. Well, walking, really." Colin sighs, and Ephram hears voices in the background. "Okay. We're driving to an overlook and then we're sitting. No hiking."
Ephram smiles, hearing Colin's exasperation.
"Ephram? You are speaking today, aren't you?"
Yeah, I'm thinking."
"Is that a good thing?"
"Maybe. Is it cool if I tag along?"
"Yeah, but Bright doesn't want you smoking in his car."
"Sure. I'll ask my dad."
Colin is quiet. "Are you better today? Is she…is she quieter?"
"Yeah."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I think so. I'll be okay, Colin. I promise not to freak out in Bright's car," Ephram is half-joking.
"He'll be glad to hear it. I'll call you in a half hour?"
"Yeah," Ephram agrees. He stands in front of the mirror. He feels better. His mother hasn't started in on him yet. For the first time in months, he doesn't see her. He refuses to let himself get excited. He has no doubt that she'll be back.
"Dad?"
"Yes, Ephram?"
"Can I go with Colin and Amy for a drive?"
"Don't they have school?" Andy replies.
"They…took the day off."
"What do you think, Ephram? Are you ready? You haven't felt like leaving the house lately and I don't want you rushing things," Andy admits.
Ephram sits down at the counter. He runs his hands through his hair. "I have to try. I can't sit here…waiting to die. I have to try new things." He meets his father's steady gaze. "You heard me talking to her last night?" Andy nods. "Why didn't you stop me?"
"I thought…she's not real, Ephram…but I heard what you told her and I know you're going to get well."
Ephram raises an eyebrow. "So now that I'm actually answering the voices in my head, you think I'm okay?"
Andy pauses. "Yeah. You're fighting her. You're fighting again."
Ephram is quiet.
"Be sure and wear your jacket. And try not to smoke too much, Ephram."
****
Ephram doesn't talk much but Colin, Amy and Bright banter cheerfully the entire trip and he is actually relaxed on the ride back to town. Not even Bright mentions his 'illness' but as they pull up to the Brown's, Bright glances back at him.
"Hey, Ephram. Take care. It's nice to see you stop shaking," Bright says.
"Thanks," Ephram replies, giving him the finger. Bright laughs.
Ephram has had a good day. When he steps into his house, Andy is on the phone, waving to him and his blood-covered mother is beckoning him into the kitchen.
"Soda," Ephram mutters to his father, stricken by his mother's sudden reappearance.
"I bet you enjoyed that. Relaxing with your friends while your father is in there, worried sick and separated from his devastated daughter. I'm dead and you're out carousing with your friends. Did you earn the day off? Do you deserve a day off?" His mother's fingertips are reaching for him. He is backed into a corner.
"Answer me, Ephram. Do you deserve this life?"
"No," Ephram replies, shaking his head to deny her existence and not intending to answer her.
"No, you don't deserve this life. Give it back. You don't deserve it, Ephram and I want you to give it back."
Ephram doesn't remember picking up the knife. He has slid to the floor. He's numb and the blade is shiny.
"No. No," Ephram mutters absently. His father hears him and lowers the phone, slowly walking to the kitchen.
"You are a waste. Useless. You are not worth this," His mother hisses.
"Why is it mine to give? I don't want to…I want to make it stop…" Ephram doesn't register his father's pleas as the knife slides into his flesh.
"Give it to me. Give me the knife, Ephram. Listen to me!" Dr. Brown yells.
Ephram glances at his father. "What? Dad?" Blood. He sees the blood but he doesn't feel the pain. "Oh shit…" He drops the knife, panicking. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry…" He struggle, trying to escape the knife and the puddle of blood.
"Ephram. Stop. Give me your hands." Dr. Brown forces himself to be calm. Ephram's eyes had been dull and unfocused when he was carving into his arms with the knife.
"Oh god…" Ephram mutters. Andy is steadying him as he holds his damaged arms over the sink as he tries to bandage them. "I just…" Ephram's breathing is shallow, he is panicked. "I didn't see her all day…I guess…I thought I was okay…I thought I was finally okay…and then…she was here…I don't know…I must have snapped…"
"Ephram, it's okay, calm down…please…I need you to breathe…"
Ephram turns his face to his father. "You have to make this stop."
"Ephram, I'm trying," Andy says, at a loss, he tries to focus on wrapping his son's arms.
"Send me away. I can't do this to you. I can't do this to Delia."
"No…"
"I'm asking you now and I don't think I'll be able to ask you again." Ephram chokes on a sob. "If you don't do something, I'm going to die…and I'm sorry…but I cannot do this anymore." He lets his father embrace him. "Please, Dad."
"The hospital, Ephram?"
"Look at my arms…" Ephram whispers, tears still on his face. "It's only a matter of time before I cut too deep…I don't want to die…I just can't live like this…"
"No, Ephram. I'll call your doctor. Come on," Andy pulls Ephram into the den. "I'll take care of everything. I'll do whatever you tell me you need to get better."
"I'm not getting better here," Ephram says. "I'm trying…but I'm not getting better. I guess…she's in my head so maybe I'm the only one that can get her out…"
"So what do you want me to do?" Andy asks, sitting beside Ephram on the couch.
"Call the doctor. The therapist. You can't take care of me this time."
Andy has never felt more helpless as he does when he calls the therapist. Andy puts an arm around his shivering son as he makes the arrangements for hospitalizing Ephram.
