He can't believe what he is hearing.
What is all this stuff about e mails and phone calls? Where is this all coming from? Logan had been cleared, the case was closed. And what the hell has all this to do with Martinez or Barden's task force? His mind is whirling with confusion but there is a sinking feeling of dread in his gut.
He has trouble concentrating on the update regarding Goren and Eames' latest case. They're looking at him in anticipation, expecting some suggestion, some direction as is his usual way. Instead he feels the need to tell, to share – the weight of suspicions feel too large a burden to bear on his own.
"Tomorrow I'm going to be tied up at IAB..."
'Turn in the barrel' feels an appropriate description for the churning sensation in his belly but Eames' scornful response to the suggestion that he has been dishing out rewards is gratifying. It was good to know someone believed in him.
Returning to MCS late the next day, he is not surprised to find they are the only ones still at work. Goren's urge to solve a mystery and Eames' doggedness often led to late nights. Out of habit, he checks up on the case, but they are more curious about his day. How can he tell them that every action, every decision he has ever made has been scrutinised and suspected, that the minutiae of his life has been picked over and questioned? His confidence has been eroded, worn down by every raised eyebrow and insinuation; he is drained, defeated.
"Not now..."
He should have guessed that they would not leave it alone, that they would start an investigation of their own; proffering up the results like children anxious to please a parent. They were cops and their only aim is to get the bad guy but he has straddled the fence between cop and politician for too long now. He can see the wider implications and he has to know why.
"I know what you've done, Frank."
Catch 22, caught between a rock and a hard place and all those other clichés; does he really think he's worth it?
For a moment he wavers, caught between his self doubts as a man and his professional pride. But his ego has not festered and become bloated like Frank's. He knows he is one of many able and competent NYPD captains; that crimes will be solved and MCS will still continue without him but at home...
Discussions and decisions, and Angie holds him tightly as if rediscovering something once lost, now found.
He wanted them to be the first to know, Eames' fighting instinct no surprise. She was not one to back down, but she had never lost her sense of humour. He remembers their shared amusement over the years, usually at Goren's antics.
"You don't deserve this." Praise, indeed from a man who shared little of a personal nature, just his intellect and his passion for the job. Two great investigators but together they made a formidable partnership. He feels proud of this legacy; his good detectives...
Enough time left for a little fun. One last piece of the action, a boundary to push, Logan to tease, one last chance to use his favourite phrase:
"Step into him."
The final day, the final farewells, the final steps on this tempestuous journey. There have been trials, temptations and torments: he had seen the best and the worst of people, of himself. Sometimes it had felt like hell.
Home and the smell of fried chicken greets him. Better still are the smiles of four beautiful women, even Beth has temporarily shed her spiky defences. There is shared food and greasy fingers, laughter and warmth and washing dishes. There is cool air and cigar smoke, quiet conversation and contentment, arm circling his wife's waist as they look at the stars.
Heaven.
