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Love Me When I'm Gone

Two weeks after Fitz' graduation, Olivia was scheduled to go to California to spend the summer with her mother. Before her scheduled departure, she tried to spend more time with Stephen. She tried to give him a chance to have a place in her life as a boyfriend should. Her efforts seemed to be in vain because Fitz continued to make inroads into her mind and heart. The week before she was to leave, Stephen wanted to do something special for her. He would be leaving in a week too, to go and stay with his uncle in Chicago for the summer. He regretted their separation; long distance relationships were difficult to sustain and his relationship with Olivia was still not as strong as he would have liked. His parents were away for the weekend and he wanted to cook her a romantic dinner. He asked permission from Dr. Pope who agreed to it but stated that Olivia had to be home by midnight. Stephen stated that he already arranged for his older brother to pick Olivia up from his house no later than 11:30 so that she could be back home well before midnight.

Olivia thought the dinner was lovely. Stephen had obviously put a lot of effort in making sure the setting was beautiful and romantic. Candles were lit everywhere in the dining room and jazz music was playing. Her father remarked on the candles that could be seen from the street through the picture window when he dropped her off. He said, "That boy really loves you sweetie." And Olivia did not doubt his words, she knew Stephen really cared for her and it was upsetting that she could not yet return his love wholeheartedly.

The meal he prepared was delicious – baked chicken, rice and vegetables. He made light conversation over dinner and asked about her plans for the summer with her mother. He then announced that next on his agenda was for them to watch a movie. He was happy they had the house to themselves because he didn't want to have his family come in and tease him about watching a chick-flick. He heard that girls really liked the movie "The Notebook" and he hoped Olivia liked it too. Olivia informed him that she had seen the movie countless times but would love to watch it again with him.

Halfway through the movie, Olivia reached over and grabbed his face for a kiss. She started off gentle but then deepened it with tongue this time. When he responded in kind, Olivia groaned. She was really enjoying the kiss. And when Stephen started to rub her arms and stroke her back she started to feel butterflies in her stomach. She moved until she was even closer to his body. He picked her up until she was in his lap, never stopping the kiss. He kissed her fiercely until Olivia broke away, out of breath. "Livvy you know I love and adore you." Stephen said grabbing her face to look deep in her eyes. Olivia only responded by nodding her heard. He kissed her again and then trailed kisses down her neck and nibbling at her ears. Olivia groaned again and Stephen began to feel her breasts that immediately responded to his touch. Olivia said, "Stephen, can we go to your room?" Stephen didn't move for minutes, shocked by what she said. He wasn't sure that she understood what she was saying, "Livvy, are you sure?" Olivia looked in his eyes; eyes that looked so much like Fitz' but she blocked that thought. She was ready; ready to be with someone who loved her. "I'm sure," she said and he got up and led her upstairs to his room.

When she got to his room, immaculately clean and smelling fresh, her eyes went to his king size bed. Nervousness threatened to creep up but she fought it. Stephen could detect it and kindly said, "Livvy, I'm not trying to rush you." Olivia smiled at his gentleness. She went over to him and helped him take off his jacket and shirt. She reached for his pants but he stayed her hands and kissed her again. He wanted to make sure that it all went slow enough so they could both enjoy it. He then unzipped her dress and took it off her shoulders, watching as it fall like a pool around her feet. She was breathtaking, standing there in her bra and panties. He took her hand and led her to the bed as he drew back the covers and helped her get underneath them. He then took off his pants but left his boxers on because he didn't want to scare her with his erection. Her eyes watched him keenly as he walked around the bed and got in on the other side. When he climbed in, she moved closer to him. He took her in his arms and stared at her, stroking her hair, moving it from her face. "You are so beautiful Livvy. I love you so much." He kissed her again. He removed her bra and went to stroke and suckle her breasts. Olivia thought the sensation was amazing. She loved it. She instinctively arched her back to give him more access. He simultaneously removed her panties and began to stroke her more intimately. Olivia thought she would die from the sensations he was creating with his mouth and hands. She was gasping and moaning continuously now. She suddenly thought she should warn him about something, "Stephen you know this is my first time right?" He looked at her and nodded his head. "Don't worry Livvy, I'll go slow. I know it will hurt a bit but I'll try to be as gentle as possible." Olivia was so touched by his words that she brought his head down for another kiss. Olivia didn't know how he had done it but he was all of sudden as completely naked as she was.

Stephen broke the kiss and rolled over to reach into his drawer. He pulled out a condom and Olivia watched as he put it on his erect penis. She almost stopped him to say that she was on the pill but she didn't. She was so curious about everything that she wanted to see it all, including watching him put a condom on. When he was done, he turned to her with a loving smile and bent down to kiss her as he resumed his position by her side. He then moved on top of her as his penis demanded an entry into her. He tried to go as slow as possible but knew he had to break the barrier of her virginity. At the inkling of pain he felt Olivia tense up but kept speaking loving words into her ear so that she could relax. He then apologized as he pierced her entirely causing Olivia to cry out in pain. Stephen remained still to allow her to get used to him, he kissed her tears and tried to comfort her. When the pain lessened, Olivia began to move under Stephen and he took that as a cue to move as well. They moved together, awkward at first but trying to find their rhythm. And eventually Olivia felt Stephen shudder as he reached his climax.

When he finished, he collapsed against her, out of breath. "I'm sorry", he said when he raised his head and looked at her sheepishly.

Olivia reached up and caressed his face. Smiling, she said, "Why, why are you sorry?"

"Because I was supposed to give you enough pleasure so that you could feel like me. I will next time," he said with a wide grin.

"Was this your first time too?"

"Yes", he said. And when Olivia frowned in confusion, he clarified, "My brother. He gave me a lot of information about sex and how to be with a woman. I'm thankful too. I would have hated to be the one that made your first time horrible. People always remember their first. It wasn't horrible was it?"

He looked so unsure of himself. Olivia could only think to comfort him. She kissed him and said, "It was great. Everything I hoped for….well almost." She laughed and continued, "I would like to feel this pleasure you talked about….next time." She was too sore to do anything else right now.

"Olivia, I want you to know that I wasn't kidding about my feelings for you. I think I've loved you since I met you. I've always wanted to be with you. I know you didn't want to date me at first; I don't know if it was because I'm white and you're black but I need you to know how happy I am to be with you. I'm happy that you are in my life."

Stephen said everything that she had been wanting someone to say to her - everything to show how much he loved her. He was right; she would remember this moment. She was happy that her first time was with someone who loved her so dearly. She was thankful for Stephen but she couldn't quite yet tell him that she loved him.

They made sure they were dressed and downstairs before 11:30 when Stephen's older brother returned. Stephen sat in the backseat with her while his brother drove her home. She sat close to him and leaned her head on his shoulder. She knew this evening her life had changed. She had crossed the threshold of womanhood and felt no shame about it. She wanted to experience sex with Stephen and she believed his words to her. She believed that he truly loved her and sex would only enhance their relationship, not damage it. When she reached home, Stephen got out and opened the door for her. He walked her to her door and kissed her goodnight on her porch.

"In case you didn't know, tonight was the best night of my life. I love you Olivia Pope."

Olivia smiled at him and kissed him again. "Thank you Stephen for such a romantic and lovely night. You really are the best boyfriend a girl could ever have. I care about you so much and I'm glad we are together." She turned and went inside.

During her last week in DC, Olivia found herself actually enjoying Stephen's company. She was letting go and allowing her true self to show. She felt like she was falling in love with him. She had an invisible barrier that prevented him from getting too close. Olivia had guarded her feelings, first out of wisdom, then self-preservation then out of fear. But she learned that she had nothing to fear from Stephen. He was always open and honest; she was the one who was a liar. She was the one who was afraid to be true to herself. She was the one who kept holding on to visions of Fitz. She promised herself that she would let go of her fanciful notions of a life with Fitz. She was too young for him. She could be happy with Stephen. She actually looked forward to spending her senior year in high school as Stephen's girlfriend. Perhaps they would go to prom together and maybe even the same college, who knows?

Stephen rode with her father to take her to the airport for her flight to California. Her father allowed them some privacy to say goodbye. Stephen took out a box he had in his pocket, opened it and took out a ring. He slipped the ring on Olivia's index finger and said, "Livvy, please say you will wear this ring. I want to know that although you are thousands of miles away you are still thinking of me as I will always be thinking of you. I'm promising myself to you Livvy as I hope you will promise yourself to me. I love you Livvy. I'll miss you."

Olivia was overwhelmed. She looked down at the lovely gold band with small sapphire jewels in it. She twirled it around her finger. She then looked up at Stephen with a wide smile and said, "I love you Stephen. I really do. I'll miss you too. I'll call and email you as much as I can."

He kissed her for several minutes until passersby started to clear their throats. Olivia broke off slightly embarrassed. She then said good bye to him and retrieved her carry-on luggage. He watched her walk away down the corridor and before going through security, Olivia looked back at him and waved. Stephen waved back to her as he continued to pronounce his love for her in his heart.

Olivia had been back in California for almost two weeks yet she had not been to the Grant household. Whenever her mother gave her the choice of whether or not to go, she had declined. It was only today, when her mother informed her that she needed her help, that Olivia knew she could not avoid going there anymore. It was that morning, when she had prepared herself to go to the Grant household that she read the newspaper of the tragic accident that took one of their lives. She couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Her mother had retreated to her room for the past hour and Olivia didn't mind; she too needed the time to grieve in private. After she felt her tears were spent, she went to the bathroom to clean her face. No matter how much she splashed water on her face, it could not take away her bloodshot and puffy eyes. Her heart was hurting. Her stomach was nauseous. She didn't want to go to and see the family but she didn't want to avoid it either.

Her mother came out of her bedroom and stood in the doorway of the bathroom, "How do you feel? Can you go today?" Her mother's eyes were also bloodshot and puffy but she had tried to reapply some basic makeup so that she could be more presentable. She tried to give a half smile to Olivia but it kept faltering and her lips began to quiver. Olivia walked over and hugged her mother tightly. "I can go and I will go with you."

When they arrived at the mansion, there was an increase of armed security presence. Denise announced her presence to a guard and was granted entry. Outside the gates there was a sea of photographers and reporters and film crews. Olivia had never seen such chaos. Her mother warned her that the increase of media coverage would create a frenzy of reporters on the lawn. She instructed Olivia to keep her sunglasses on and her head down.

Inside the house, Olivia could only feel more sadness and grief. There was an indescribable darkness that appeared to loom despite the well-lit rooms. The place was so different from last summer, so changed. There was no happiness, no joy, no laughter and she had trouble believing there would ever be again. Denise left Olivia in the foyer to go search for the family. Olivia stood there feeling like a stranger in a house that she had come to view as another home for her. She loved these people like they were her own family and suddenly she felt like she didn't belong with them. She felt like she would be intruding on their time of grief. She felt out of place, not knowing what she could say or what she could do to ease their suffering. She wanted to find a place to be inconspicuous and she chose the family room. Although the door was closed, she doubted anyone would be in there.

The family room was dark. All the curtains were drawn and the only light was from the TV that was powered on but no program was playing – it was only a blue screen. Olivia thought someone must have left it on but when she went to turn it off she noticed that someone was sitting in the room. She almost didn't see him. He was sitting in a shroud of darkness with his head down. He was nursing a drink of brown liquid in his hand. She left the TV on because she needed some sort of light to see him. Then she carefully went to sit next to him on the couch. When she got a closer look she could see how the grief had taken hold on him. He clearly had not shaved or changed his clothes in days. His hair was uncombed and he was barefoot.

"Fitz," she said softly and he looked up at her with wild grey eyes.

"Livvy", he said in strained voice like he had not spoken in days either.

She reached out and took the drink from his hand. He reeked of alcohol so she could tell he had more than enough. Fitz allowed her to take his drink. He kept looking at her and she noticed that in his lap lay the flag pin and money clip she bought him for graduation. "Livvy, he's dead, Teddy's dead. My brother's dead."

"I know Fitz, I know. And I'm so sorry. We should have come earlier but we just found out."

He continued to stare at her but she could tell he wasn't really seeing her. She tried to move to go and open the curtains, "Let me open the curtains so we can let some light into the room."

"No", he said desperately. "Just sit here with me. I've been alone in here for I don't know how long. I just need you to stay with me, just one minute", he laughed a bit to himself and continued, "Well maybe more than one minute."

"OK", was all Olivia could say when after she settled back down, he turned and laid his head on her lap. She lifted her hands, unknowing what to do with herself and then settled them on his hair. She began stroking his hair. She bent down and kissed his cheek, then resumed stroking his hair. She didn't know how long she did that before she could tell that he had fallen asleep.

Next thing she knew, Olivia was being gently shaken awake by her mother. She didn't realize she had fallen asleep but now her muscles were sore from sleeping an awkward position. She tried to move before she realized that Fitz was still sleep in her lap. Her mother helped to ease him off her lap and back to lie on the couch. Olivia stood up and stretched. "Mrs. Grant has been asking about you. Can you go up to see her?" Denise asked.

"Of course. I would've gone sooner if I had not fallen asleep." Olivia said as her mother looked around the room and saw the glass of liquor on side table. She cast a questioning look to Olivia, who said, "Yeah I think he's had way too much." Denise responded, "Like Father like Son."

Denise walked with Olivia to the stairs. Olivia asked, "How is the Governor?"

"As well as can be expected. I nearly yelled at him for keeping this from me for the past 3 days but he could barely respond. His speech was slurred. I think something is wrong with this whole situation. I'm going to look into it a little more. I walked him upstairs so someone could help him shower and get cleaned up. I suspect we will need to have someone come down and help Fitz do the same. I'll go speak to the staff while you visit with Mrs. Grant."

"Do you need any help?"

"No. Frankly I just need to stay busy, occupy my mind," she smiled at Olivia and then as an afterthought asked, "Livvy would you feel comfortable staying overnight here while we get everything situated for the funeral. I think we would be better help if we stay on. Are you okay with that?"

"Of course mom, it's no problem." Olivia hadn't told her mom just how far her relationship with Stephen had progressed merely that she was falling in love with him and hoped their relationship would survive the long distance separation. Olivia knew her mother could tell she had feelings for Fitz. They never spoke about it but she knew her mother was concerned about Olivia's heart getting broken.

When Olivia entered Mrs. Grant's room she found her sitting up in bed writing in a journal. Olivia immediately apologized for interrupting her. But Mrs. Grant put away the journal and patted the bed for Olivia to come and sit beside her. Olivia gave her a long hug before sitting down. She kept telling her how sorry she was for the tragic loss.

"Please Livvy, stop apologizing. Life is tragic and sad; it treats some of us better than others. That's why we have to cherish our loved ones and tell them that we love them every opportunity we get. I will miss my son so much. He was such a good man. It was a cruel trick to be played on us, but who can say that life is ever fair."

Olivia began to cry and Mrs. Grant wiped her tears. "Don't cry sweetheart. Just keep thinking how fortunate we all were to have Teddy in our lives as much as we did….. I keep remembering the first day we brought Fitzgerald home and told Teddy he had a little brother…."

Mrs. Grant began to tell stories of Teddy – some sad but most comical. Olivia couldn't help but laugh at some of Teddy's antics especially when he dragged little Fitz along in his mischievousness. After an hour of talking, Olivia felt refreshed; Mrs. Grant had lifted her spirits. It was almost lunchtime and Mrs. Grant stated she did not feel up to going down for lunch. Olivia assured her that she would bring up lunch for her.

Olivia stood to leave but Mrs. Grant stopped her and soberly said, "Livvy, Fitz is going to leave us. He can't handle being here right now and he's going to go away. It may for a year, hopefully not more. But I know that he needs to get away to heal. His brother meant a lot to him and he needs time to grieve. His father is going to be angry because I'm sure Fitz will not be going into the Navy as his father wished. But he will go away nonetheless", she paused for several minutes reading Olivia's face and seeing the emotional turmoil her words had caused. She then continued, "Will you wait for him Livvy?"

"What?"

"Livvy, I know you love my son. I can see it when you look at him. He doesn't know it yet. Or maybe he does. I'm not sure. I know you think you are too young but you are old enough to feel love. I love you both so dearly and he needs you, Livvy, in his life. He really does. You can make him better."

Olivia was speechless. Her mind flooded with questions trying to understand what was happening. Was Mrs. Grant experiencing the onset of dementia? Did she really mean what she was saying? Were Olivia's feelings for Fitz that obvious? Olivia knew Mrs. Grant was not demented. She had full capacity of thinking abilities. She knew exactly what she was talking about.

Mrs. Grant gave a slight laugh. "Livvy, I've shocked you, I know. Fitz is the more emotional of my two sons. He often wears his emotions on his sleeves. As strong as he is on the outside, he is vulnerable within. When he realizes how much he loves you; he will love you completely. He will love you dearly. You just need to give him some time. Can you do that?"

"I….I don't know. I'm scared. He may never love me like that. He has Trish, who could make him a good wife. And I….well I was trying to get over him," Olivia said in a shaky voice. She kept her head down as she spoke, still embarrassed by her feelings for Fitz.

"Trish is nothing to my son. He may sleep with her from time to time but the feelings for her do not run deep. I don't pretend to be ignorant of the sexual desires of men. I know my son may be physically attracted to her but I also know that every time he sleeps with her, he feels more ashamed. He wants love; he doesn't want to marry Trish just because his father arranged it or that she looks good on his arm. He wants to fall in love with his wife."

I would choose to be happy; Olivia recalled Fitz said on that summer afternoon.

Olivia was lost in thought, not quite sure what to say or do. Mrs. Grant said, "Livvy, think about my words and don't give up on him. Please."

Olivia gave her a smile and squeezed her hand. She left the room to see after lunch.