A/N Thanks for all of the reviews, favorites and followings. You're comments mean a lot to me.
Chapter 9
Brittany was awaken early the next morning by the sound of Santana vomiting so she rushed to the bathroom to comfort her. Brittany was rubbing Santana's back like she always did while softly talking to her. "This morning sickness won't last forever and just think ahead to the future. A year from now you will have this amazing baby in your life."
Santana didn't know how Brittany did it but she could always make her feel better but this morning she was concerned about Brittany. Santana had fallen asleep the night before worrying about what Brittany had said last night about wondering if she could handle being in Santana's life because she was having a baby. Brittany had said she wasn't sure if she could be friends with Santana. Basically what Brittany was saying she didn't know if she could be in Santana's life because of the baby. Brittany desperately wanted to have a baby of her own. Santana felt sad but she knew she had to put Brittany's happiness before her own, so if Brittany couldn't be in Santana's life she would have to let her go. Santana decided to wait for Brittany to let her know what she wanted to do. Did she want to stay or go?
After her morning bout of vomiting Brittany fixed Santana some dry toast and tea for breakfast. Santana still felt sick but she made it out to the kitchen table to eat. Brittany was eating a bowl of cereal. Neither woman had mentioned the conversation they had night before.
"Santana, do you know how soon Quinn and Puke can come to LA? I want to book their flight this morning. Also, how long do they want to stay?" Brittany didn't look at Santana as she continued to eat her cereal.
"I'll give Quinn a call and ask her this morning." Santana was trying to read Brittany's mood this morning but for the first time since they had met she had no clue how the blonde was feeling or what was going on in her head.
"Great just call me on my cell. I need to go to the studio and take care of some business. While I'm there I will have my secretary make their reservations. Where will they be staying while they are in LA? I can book them a hotel room." Brittany seemed all business this morning which kind of confused Santana.
"They always stay here with me when they are in LA so they won't need a hotel room but thanks for offering." Santana noticed Brittany was staring off in space.
"Oh, ok yeah it makes sense they would stay here. I will be gone for a couple of hours and if you need me call me. You should get some rest you look really tired this morning San."
Santana wanted to say yes I'm tired because I was up half the night worrying your feelings and feeling sad that you might not be able to continue to be my friend. "I am tired so I think I'll take a nap. You have a good morning at the dance studio." Santana got up from the kitchen table and put her plate and cup in the sink. She then left the kitchen and went to her bedroom.
Brittany just sat at the kitchen table staring off in space and thinking. Thinking about how she would love nothing more than to eat breakfast every morning at this table with Santana but….she wasn't sure if she could handle that. Brittany imagined what it would like with high chair by the kitchen table and a baby sitting in it. She felt a tear come to her eye. She was truly happy for Santana but she couldn't allow herself to get too attached to Santana or the baby because neither one of them was hers. Brittany quickly put the dishes in the dishwasher and then took a shower. Before leaving for the dance studio she took a bottle of water to Santana who was fast asleep. Brittany wanted to lean down and kiss Santana gently on the forehead like Santana had done to her the night before but she couldn't find the courage to do it.
Brittany was going over some schedules with her dance instructors when her cell phone rang, it was Santana. "Hi San."
"Britt, I talked to Quinn and she said they could come to LA anytime. She didn't know how long they would be staying. She said you didn't need to book their return flight that they would take care of that."
"Ok, if she's sure about that…I mean I'm the one asking them to come to LA so I can talk to Puke about working for me so I will gladly pay for their return flight."
"How about you, Puck, and Quinn work that out when they get here? Quinn is really excited about coming to LA. I'm excited they are coming too because it's been over a year since I've seen them." There was no reply from Brittany. "Britt are you still there?"
"Yes I'm still here. Ok, I'll get their flight booked. Did you have a good nap? How's the morning sickness been?"
"I had a nice nap until I woke up with an overwhelming feeling nausea. Like you said this morning it won't last forever. I'll let you get back to work."
"Ok, I should be home…I should be back at your house by noon and then I'll make you lunch." Brittany hoped Santana hadn't really noticed her slip of up with the word home.
"Sounds good and Britt can you pick up some more of those morning sickness lollipops?"
"It's on my errand to do list. You relax and I'll see you soon. Bye San."
"Bye Britt and thanks."
When the call ended Santana couldn't help but feel upset because the tone of the call was so business like just like their conversation at breakfast. It wasn't like a conversation between friends. Usually there was playfulness and happiness in Brittany's voice but that was gone. The emotion was completely gone from their conversation. Santana couldn't help but begin to think that Brittany was trying to detach herself emotionally from their friendship to make the situation more bearable.
Santana wondered what would have happened if she had met Brittany at a party or any place other than the baby doctor's office. What kind of relationship would they have if Santana wasn't pregnant? Santana wasn't regretting her decision to have a baby she was just wondering if Brittany and she could have a relationship if the circumstances were different. Santana shook her thoughts out of her head because all of the thinking in the world wouldn't change the reality of their situation.
Brittany returned to Santana's house around noon and found Santana lying on her bed. "How are you feeling?" Brittany knew the answer by the pale look on Santana's face.
"I'm not feeling too well. It's been a rough morning. Maybe I should talk to the doctor about medications that will help with the morning sickness."
Brittany wanted to tell Santana that she didn't want her to take any of those medications because you never know what they could do the baby's development. Brittany had read about those medications when Santana started having such bad morning sickness. Doctor's only prescribe them as a last resort. Brittany decided it wasn't her place to say anything to Santana. "You can always ask the doctor about them. By the way, Quinn and Pucks flight will leave New York City tomorrow at noon and with the three hour time difference they will arrive in LA at 3 PM."
Santana perked up a bit, "I'd better call right away and let Quinn know since that doesn't give them much time. I just hope she doesn't flip out."
Brittany felt angry for some reason all of the sudden. "You told me they could leave anytime so I booked the first available non-stop flight. If you didn't mean they could leave this soon then you should've told me that. I can't cancel the tickets now so I guess they are just going to have to suck it up at make the flight. Oh by the way here is there flight information and your lollipops." Brittany threw a bag and a paper down onto Santana's bed before walking out of the room.
Santana was in shock. What the hell just happened? Why did Brittany fly off the handle like that? Santana found herself getting angry herself so she got out of bed and went to find Brittany. She found her in the kitchen starting to make lunch.
"What the hell was that all about Brittany?" Santana stood there with her hands on her hips.
Brittany had her back to Santana as she was getting their lunch ready at the kitchen counter. "You told me they could leave anytime and then when I told you their flight leaves tomorrow you act surprised and said you have to call Quinn to tell her and that you hope she doesn't flip out. I wish you had been clearer when you said they could leave anytime."
Santana had a feeling that Brittany's outburst wasn't about the Quinn and Puck's flight at all. Santana was never good at reading people unless it was in the business world but with Brittany it was different. For some reason Santana could read Brittany's emotions from the moment they had met. When Santana spoke next it was in soft caring voice. "Britt, tell me what's really got you upset because I know it's not Quinn and Puck's flight?"
Brittany was quiet for a few moments and then she turned to look at Santana. Santana was surprised to see Brittany face was red like she was either very angry or embarrassed about something. There were tears ready to spill out of her eyes too. "You want to me to tell you what's got me so upset? You! You are the reason I have been a total mess since that day I met you at the doctor's office. From the moment our eyes met that day I haven't been able to get you out of mind. After we met at the doctor's I didn't know if we would ever see each other again. I had hoped we would see each other at the doctor's when we went back for our two week appointments but we both know that day turned out differently for both of us." Brittany had to stop talking to catch her breath because she was talking without breathing properly. Santana was shocked by Brittany's emotional outburst and just stood there.
Brittany continued after getting her breath back. "Then when I was in my car crying and you came up and knocked on my window I felt like heaven had sent me an angel. It was a sign to me that we were met to be in each other's lives in some way. Then after day I didn't hear from you for two weeks until you called me when you were so sick from your morning sickness. I took it as another sign we were meant to be in each other's lives. Then you rejected me and it broke my heart." Brittany was sobbing so hard she was having a difficult time standing so she was leaning her back against the counter.
Santana was still in shock but she knew Brittany was on the verge of an emotional breakdown if she didn't calm herself down. "Um…Britt how about we go and sit on the couch." Brittany didn't say a word she just walked into the living room and sat on the couch. Santana quickly got a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and joined Brittany on the couch. She handed the water to Brittany who unscrewed the cap and took a long drink. Santana had to ask the question that was on her mind, "When did I reject you?"
Brittany didn't look at Santana she stared at the bottle of water in her hand. "You have actually rejected two times. The first time was when I told the doctor I would stay with you and then when I drove you home you told me you didn't want me to stay. It broke my heart because I thought you felt the connection between that I had been feeling but it was obvious you didn't feel it. After I left you here by yourself I worried every minute of every day even though I kept telling myself I shouldn't worry because you didn't feel the same way. Then the doctor called me and practically blamed me for you being in the hospital. I felt guilty that it was my fault. Then when you were in the hospital we agreed to be friends and you let me stay with you. Then I kissed you."
Brittany took another drink of water before continuing. "I can't describe how it felt when my lips touched your lips. My body felt warm and like it was floating. Rather you admit it or not you kissed me back and I was in heaven thinking maybe you did feel the same way as I did but then when the kiss was over you told me it couldn't happen again. You rejected me again. I just don't know what to do with all of these feeling and emotions I have for you. It's too overwhelming. Then added on top of all of those emotions is the jealousy I feel towards you because you are pregnant and I'm not. I know it's wrong of me to feel that way but you got pregnant the first time you tired. I have tried three fucking times and nothing."
The water bottle dropped from Brittany's hand as she totally broke down. Her elbows were on her knees and her hands covering her face. Santana reached over and rubbed Brittany's back to hopefully comfort her but it didn't seem to be working. Santana wanted to hug Brittany but she wasn't sure if it was the best thing since Brittany hadn't relaxed from her touch on her back. After several Brittany calmed down but she kept her hands over her face.
Santana continued to rub her back and decided she had to say something. "Britt, you weren't wrong about the connection between us because I felt it too. I hoped when I went back to the doctor's I would see you and when I didn't I was sad but then I saw you sitting in your car crying. I'm sorry you felt like I rejected you when I said I didn't want you to stay. That wasn't me rejecting you, that was me thinking I didn't need anyone's help and I could handle things on my own. It was me being stubborn and I'm so sorry you felt rejected. I guess with the kiss I did kind of reject you but not for the reason you are thinking. I admit I did kiss you back and the kiss was like none I've ever experienced just like you said it was for you. When I said it couldn't happen again I meant because of my situation being pregnant."
Brittany finally took her hands away from her face and looked up at Santana waiting for her to continue on. "Britt, I'm no good at relationships. When I decided to try and have a baby on my own it was because I really thought I'd never find a woman who want to be with me for the rest of my life. You and I both decided to have a baby on our own because we wanted a family. So that is something we understand about each other. When you kissed me it scared me because I wanted it so much and I wanted you so much in that moment but it's not just me in my life anymore. I have a baby to think about and with my track record with relationships I'm sure I would do or say something to push you away. I can't do that to my baby or to you. I can't let my child get attached to someone and then have that person leave when I fuck up. It's not fair to anyone. I can't risk us getting attached to each other even more than we are either. So I can't Britt. As much as I would love to give us a chance I can't, I just can't. I can't see us as more than friends. And you're not a bad person for being jealous of me being pregnant. The truth is there have been times I wished you were pregnant instead of me because I know how much you really want a baby. I'm not saying I don't this baby because I do, I just wish you had gotten pregnant since you have tried so many times."
Brittany had been looking at Santana and she is looking straight ahead. "Well, I'm glad we go that out in the open and straightened out." Brittany got up from the couch and walked back to the kitchen to continue preparing lunch. Santana was left dumbfounded sitting on the couch. After a few minutes she went into the kitchen. "Britt, you don't have anything to say about what I just told you?"
Brittany didn't turn around she just kept fixing their lunch. "No, you made your feelings perfectly clear. I'll have lunch ready in about 15 minutes."
Santana stood there a few seconds before going back to sit on the couch. Santana wished Brittany would tell her what was going through her mind after hearing what she had just said to her but she decided it was best not to push it.
The rest of day went by slowly for Santana. They ate lunch in complete silence. The only time Brittany spoke to Santana was when she told her she was going to go to her apartment to spend some time there and to text or call if she needed anything. Santana feared Brittany might not come back but was relieved when saw Brittany's things were still in the guest room.
Brittany came back to Santana's house and fixed dinner for them. Again they ate in silence. Afterwards Santana went to bedroom while Brittany went out of the pool and sat in a chase lounge as she gazed at the stars above. It was a perfectly clear night and the stars were beautiful. After being in her room for about an hour Santana went to the guest room to talk to Brittany because she couldn't take the silence and tension that came along with it. When she didn't find Brittany in the guestroom or anywhere else in the house she looked out by the pool and saw Brittany sitting there looking up at the stars. It was a beautiful night so Santana decided to go out and join Brittany so they could talk some more but when she opened the door to go out to the pool she heard sniffling. Brittany was crying and it broke Santana's heart in pieces. She quietly went back into the house and to her bedroom where she cried herself to sleep.
Like clockwork Brittany was awaken the next morning by sounds of Santana vomiting. She went across the hall to Santana's room and into the bathroom. She knelt down on the floor beside Santana and rubbed her back but this time she didn't speak any soothing words. When the vomiting had passed Brittany went to the kitchen and brought a bottle of water to Santana. Still no words were spoken and even though Santana looked at Brittany, Brittany didn't look at Santana.
Brittany spoke to Santana after breakfast to let her know she was going to go to the dance studio but she would be back to pick her to take her to the airport to pick up Quinn and Puck. When Brittany got back to the house she found Santana was once again in the bathroom vomiting. She was in no shape to go to the airport so Brittany said she would go on her own to pick them up. Santana told Brittany she couldn't miss them because Puck had a mohawk. Brittany begin to wonder what she had gotten herself into with talking to Puck about being her assistant, a man name Puck with a mohawk didn't scream businessman but Brittany had learned a long time ago not to judge people so she was willing to give Puck a fair chance.
Santana had left her bedroom and was now sitting on the couch reading a magazine. Brittany walked past her and her heart fell when Brittany walked by. Brittany was carrying all of the bags she brought with her when she came to stay with Santana. "Um…Santana, I'm going to leave for the airport to pick up Quinn and Puck. I changed the sheets on the bed in the guestroom."
Santana walked over to the front door where Brittany stood with her bags. "Why are you taking your bags with you?"
Brittany finally looked at Santana for the first time since their talk the day before. It was a confused look. "I'm taking them with me because I'm leaving."
Santana felt a tear come to her right eye. "Why are you leaving? Is because of what I said yesterday?"
Brittany saw how upset Santana was getting and found it difficult but she kept her own emotions in check. "No, I'm leaving because Quinn and Puck are staying here and will need the guestroom. I'm sure Quinn will help you."
"Britt, you don't need to leave just because they are staying here. They always sleep in the den. There is a pullout couch in there and they both just love sleeping on."
Brittany hadn't been in the den but had looked inside when she walked by when the door was open. "Oh, I had no idea there was a pullout couch in there. Anyway you don't want me around as a third wheel while your friends are visiting. I'll just be in the way and like said Quinn can help you. She's your best friend after all."
Santana wasn't one to beg because of her pride but right now she didn't give a damn about her pride. "Please stay Britt. I need you."
Brittany was trying so hard to be strong and not given in. "You don't need me. You said yesterday you didn't want me getting attached to you or your baby and since I already am I think it's best if I just leave."
"Britt, please don't go." Santana was crying.
Brittany was getting angry. "Santana, you can't have it both ways. If I stay here with you I'll just get attached more and more to you and your unborn baby. You don't want that so the only option is for me to leave. I've got to leave so I can get to airport."
Santana watched as Brittany walked out the door with bags. Santana knew Brittany was right when she said she would only get more attached if she stayed and Santana had said she didn't want her to become attached. It didn't make it any easier for Santana to deal with the fact that Brittany had just walked out her door and she let her go.
Brittany didn't have any trouble spotting Quinn and Puck at the airport. Brittany's instinct told her they both were very nice people. They chatted about stuff in general on the way to Santana's house. Puck was just as impressed as Santana was with Brittany's customized black Mustang. Brittany set up a time to meet with Puck the next morning to talk to him about being her assistant. When they got to Santana's house Brittany helped Puck get the luggage out of the trunk but he said he could carry it to the house.
Brittany started to get back in her car when Quinn stopped her. "Are you leaving? I thought Santana said you were staying with her."
Brittany wasn't sure how to answer Quinn's question. "I was but I wanted to give you and Puck some time alone with her."
"You don't really need to do that besides Santana has been talking non-stop about you and I'd like to get to know you better."
Brittany could tell Quinn was being sincere and a part of her wanted to take her own bags back in the house but then she remembered what Santana had said about not wanting to get attached. "It's fine. I have a lot of work to do anyway. Just please make sure she takes her prenatal vitamins, eats even if she doesn't feel like it and make sure she drinks plenty of water. We don't want her ending up back in the hospital. I gotta go Quinn. It was nice meeting and enjoy your visit."
Quinn walked to the front door where Santana and Puck had been watching Quinn and Brittany. Quinn and Santana both got huge smiles on their faces when they saw each other. They hugged for a long time and finally Santana said, "She's not coming back is she?"
"I don't think so Santana. She said she wanted to give us time alone to spend together." Quinn pulled back so she could look at Santana's face and tears were starting to fall and Quinn knew they weren't happy tears. Santana broke down in Quinn's arms.
TBC
