CHAPTER NINE

Sorry about the late update! I've got yearlies coming up soon, so more late updates to come. Sorry.

Yes, I stole the "Honey, I'm home" thing. I'm not sure where I got it from, but you ever came up with it, know you are wonderful.

Barty's kinda strange in parts of this chapter, but I hope the man-eating ants make up for it. What man-eating ants, you ask? Read on and find out.

NATHANIEL

Nathaniel had made up his mind. He was going to talk to Bartimeaus. He was going to tell him how he felt. He was going to tell him that he loved him. For real this time.

Definitely. Probably. Maybe. Possibly. Maybe better not to say anything. It wasn't like Bartimeaus felt the same way…

No. He had to talk to him. He had to be honest, or nothing would happen. Just like the other ten times he had almost convinced himself to talk to him.

He should.

He wouldn't.

He had to.

Nathaniel was still engaged in this internal wrestling match when his phone rang. Jane. Probably about the date they were supposed to be going on tonight.

Reluctantly, Nathaniel picked up the phone. Now was really not a good time.

"Honey, I'm home!" Yelled Bartimeaus from the hallway.

In fact, now was a really, really bad time.

BARTIMEAUS

As you might have realized, I'm not really a touchy-feely, lets-all-have-a-big-hug sort of person. I'm more of a bash-them-up,-make-sarcastic-remark-and-run-away-before-they-call-for-re-enforcements sort of person.

But as I walked through the streets of London with a box of Nathaniel's favourite chocolates under my arm, I almost didn't mind. I almost managed to ignore the stares I was getting. I almost thought it would be worth it to hear Nathaniel say that he loved me. Almost.

And it wasn't even like Nathaniel did love me.

Though there had been the bedtime stories, and he had never actually punished me for that kiss, even when he knew it was me…

I was being an idiot. Maybe I should just whack him on the head with the chocolates. And then stab him with a knife. Then disembowel him and burn the pieces. And feed the pieces to sharks… then disappear back to the Other Place, where I could forget this had ever happened. After all, the foolish magician hadn't used a pentacle for weeks. Yes. That would be best.

Only one problem. Mushy and weak as it sounded, there was no way I could bring myself to harm a single hair on Nathaniel's stupid little head. So, as much as I hated it, back to plan A.

Well, plan B actually. Plan A had been to run away to Switzerland and live in the desert with the giant man-eating ants that thrived there, allowing Nathaniel to continue his normal life, marry Jane or Kitty and eventually die of old age.

The only flaws to this plan had been that I didn't know how to get to Switzerland, I was pretty sure that there were no deserts or man-eating ants there, Nathaniel would never have a normal life and I didn't want him to marry either Jane or Kitty or die of old age.

So basically, the whole thing was one giant flaw. Even so, it was starting to seem more and more inviting. And I could always breed some giant man-eating ants…

No. I was going to talk to Nathaniel.

"Honey, I'm home!" I yelled, kicking down Nathaniel's fancy door. What? I had my hands full. Yes, with one box of chocolates. Oh well. Nathaniel would probably be too busy punishing me for having emotions to even notice it.

Actually, he didn't even notice my entrance. He was on the phone with Jane. I could hear him talking from the other room, loud and frustrated. Maybe he was dumping her! I grinned. This I had to hear.

I picked up the second phone from its cradle in the hallway and held it to my ear, still grinning. Maybe I wouldn't have to run away to Switzerland after all.

NATHANIEL

"Of course you can come. We checked with Piper – you had nothing scheduled."

"I mean… I can come… I just can't…" Nathaniel sighed. If he couldn't tell Jane there was some one else, how could he tell that some one else how he felt? Did that even make sense? Was he talking nonsense in his head now, too?

"Why not? Is there some one else?" Yes, thought Nathaniel. But how did he say that? His mouth wasn't working. Why is it that he could hold up a flawless argument in Parliament but not talk normally to people?

But Jane was already continuing. "Is there some one stopping you?"

"Sort of." He choked out. Stupid, incompetent mouth…

"Is it that djinni? Bartimeaus?" Came her voice again. Nathaniel wished she would shut up long enough for him to actually catch up with the conversation. Had she just worked out that he was dumping her for Bartimeaus?

"Is he stopping you from seeing me? I knew he didn't like me, but I didn't think he would be like that…" Huh? Stopping him? And what had that been before about Bartimeaus?

"Yes." He said.

Then he heard the tone as someone hung up.

"Nathaniel?" Asked Jane "Are you still there?"

"Yes," He repeated uncertainly, "Are you?" He added, only realizing what a stupid question it was once the words were out of his mouth. Luckily, Jane ignored him.

And suddenly he had a sudden, wonderful realization. Bartimeaus must have been listening on the other end, then hung up, making the tone. The djinni would have understood what he meant when he said there was someone else. If he felt the same way, he would come and say so. If he didn't, he would simply ignore him. Less awkwardness, less heartbreak and they could go on being friends. Perfect.

"I have to go!" Nathaniel blurted into the phone, hanging up and running into the hall.

Bartimeaus was leaning against the wall. He wasn't ignoring him, and, apart from the chocolates in his hand, he definitely didn't look like he was going to be proclaiming his eternal love any time soon. He was glaring.

"So." He said, voice cold as ice "How's it going with your girlfriend?"

BARTIMEAUS

"Of course you can come. We checked with Piper – you had nothing scheduled." This must be Jane. She sounded annoyed.

"I mean… I can come… I just can't…" There was a crackle of air over the speaker. What were they talking about? Was Nathaniel refusing to go on some kind of date with her? This was getting better and better.

"Why not? Is there some one else?" Yes, I thought. Say yes, say yes. But he didn't say anything, and Jane continued:

"Is there some one stopping you?" What? Who would be stopping him?

"Sort of." Nathaniel sounded like he was being strangled. I knew he wasn't, but even so I only just resisted leaning through the door to check. Stupid protective instincts.

"Is it that djinni? Bartimeaus?" Did that girl ever shut up? What could I possibly have to do with anything?

"Is he stopping you from seeing me? I knew he didn't like me, but I didn't think he would be like that…" Stopping him? Sure, I told him about the attack she had pulled on me, but it wasn't like he had actually listened. So what had he been telling her about me?

"Yes."That was all I needed to hear.

So that was all I had been to him. A tool in the break-up with his girlfriend. All the stories, the kiss…that had all been one big act on his part. I was nothing to him but a tool.

Surprisingly, I didn't feel even slightly sad. I almost felt relived. There would be no awkward conversation, no punishments, not even an embarrassed "Can't we just be friends?". Now, I was free to hate Nathaniel. And hate was an emotion I knew much better than love.

I knew how it filled me entirely, how it burned through my veins with such a different fire, bringing anger and resentment instead of happiness and caring…

But when Nathaniel entered the room, my resolve weakened and I had to convince myself that I was imagining the adoration in those beautiful eyes.

"So." I say, trying for an icy effect. The type that, years ago, would have him quivering in his boots. "How's your girlfriend?"

And for some reason, Nathaniel smiled.

"You mean you really did hear what we said?" He asked, sounding relived.

"Yeah. You can stop your little act now. Not that you did a very good job of it." For some reason, I was just as angry at Nathaniel not for putting on a good act as the fact that he had been putting on an act. If that makes sense. Which it probably doesn't.

"What? What act?" He really was quite sweet when he was clueless, even if he was faking…no, I couldn't think about that. "I…I love you Bartimeaus."

I tried to ignore the way my heart leapt, the way I wanted to tell him that I loved him too, fall on my knees and beg him never to do something like this again. I stayed silent and rigid.

"Sure" I said, my old bitter sarcasm returning to my voice. "And I'm going to Switzerland to breed giant man-eating ants." Might be true, actually, since plan B was sown the drain. Or had it been plan A? Or plan 1.77245385? Or was that the square root of pi? This was getting confusing.

"What?" For a second I thought Nathaniel was also having problems with the English alphabet too, then I realised I hadn't mentioned my original plan to him.

"Forget it." I said. I wasn't sure what exactly I was talking about anymore. Everything, I supposed.

"But Bartimeaus…" Nathaniel sounded confused. He probably didn't understand why I cared about him using me. He probably didn't realize that djinni had emotions too.

"I said forget it. I hate you, you hate me, and that's how it's always going to be." He probably didn't know what that was supposed to mean either, but maybe if I repeated it enough I would start believing it. "So just go call your girlfriend and tell her you can go on the date, or whatever." Whatever. Just get out the room before I do something stupid like kiss you.

"If you'll excuse me, I will." Nathaniel's voice was cold now, too. I had a feeling that he was trying his hardest not to shout.

Nathaniel stormed out of the hall, not going to the phone but to his bedroom. I just stayed where I was, asking myself what I had done that and wondering if it was too late to run after him and apologise. Nathaniel really had looked as if he was being honest.

But I didn't. I stayed in the hallway, glaring accusingly at the phone that had started all of this.

I wished absentmindedly that there was some one I could call. Then I realised that there was. She wouldn't exactly give me kindness and support, but I would feel better knowing that Nathaniel would feel worse.

I reached for the phone and, after I a quick search through the contact list, called Kitty Jones.