EPISODE NINE: THE FIGHT

I awoke in a cold sweat, quickly jolted to my feet and began rubbing my eyes. "What in the goddamn?" I whispered to myself, looking around.

The massive circular room was lined with 8 foot tall rotating tubes. The tubes were filled with viscous yellow gak, illuminating the room with their radiant glow. The tubes were in stacks, and the room was miles high. Looking up was like being a very small man in a huge version of one of the individual tubes. I stood there, shocked, taking it all in, but the nastiest had yet to come.

I squinted HARD at one of the toobz; zooming in fast, and then upon closer inspection, it occurred to me that these were no ordinary tubes, these were cloning tubes.

Some of them held fully developed seinclones, others had half complete clones, and some had completely normal humans.

So this is where the came from, huh?

This is where all of my problems since 1999 have originated. Right here, in this room.

I was just about to turn around and retrieve my belongings, but then I got inspired to do the unthinkable. I was going to reduce this cloning facility to a smoldering pile of ash, and send these would-be clones straight to the gates of hell. I walked to the center of the room, searching for the control module, but to no avail. I searched and searched until I finally found it near one of the tubes in the very back of the room.

This tube was different from the others, it seemed to have been made with more outdated technology than the others. It was dated May 15th, 1998 at the foot of it was a sign that read "my 1st clone :)" and a moldy, half eaten cheese pizza.

I put my hand on the tube, looking in on the very first false feld, watching him float there timelessly in the warm yellow sludge. It brought a tear to my eye, but at the same time angered me to my core.

Enough fooling around, someone's bound to spot me down here any moment. I assumed control of the module and began browsing seinfelds most top secret files.

Yes, here it is. I finally found a folder titled "emergencies only" I opened it and there were several files:

sein_head_

seinclone_cloning_

empire_state_

dear_

rare_

and loading_bay_

So many options, so little time. I clicked seinclone_cloning_ and a message appeared that read "Are you sure you want to abort all functions of Seinclone Cloning Facility Immediately and Without Question? Y/N"

"Y"

"Enter password:"

I pondered on it for a moment and typed in "carlishotxoxo"

"Password accepted"

The second I slammed my tiny fist on the enter key, each and every one of the nasty tubes began bursting in a violent combust, and the goo began pouring out at a rapid pace. I had to escape quickly. I ran for the door, but I was already neck deep in lukewarm gak by the time I was halfway there. I had to use my signature swimming technique I had learned from my mentor, David Hasselhoff, which included ingesting as much as possible to make a clear path to walk. I was simultaneously sprinting and sucking in all of the gak in front of me like some sort of horrible, muscular, half robot noo-noo. I made it to the door, jumped through, closed it, and swallowed deeply.

Whew… That was a close one, I sat there to take a breather and then dispose of the 70+ pounds of gak I'd just inhaled.

I ran to the nearest drinking fountain, arched over, and began screaming into the drain, expelling all of the nast I had slurped up.

Exhausted, I gathered myself, and carried on. It was time to get my stuff back.

Oh shit! The fucking alarm started to sound! I sprang toward the locker room, searching hard. I spotted the back left rusty locker, went over, grabbed my shit, and booked, heading back into the large rotunda room. It was time for some thinking on the fly. It took me less than a microsecond to hatch a clever plan. It was fucking genius. I looked around me for the hallway I wanted, and there it was "CARGO BAY".

Time to blast this seinshit once and for all. I was finna steal a ship, get far away, and destroy the Seinfeld Seinhead Head from a distance.

Making my way through another four miles of hallway, things started to get really intense. As I stormed to the cargo bay, I could hear the march of at least 100 seinclones chasing me, hot on my tail. They were chanting "SEINHOOD SEINHOOD SEINHOOD SEINHOOD" as they pursued me, just far enough away that I couldn't see them. It was absolutely unbearable, it got louder and louder with every echo, and eventually all I could hear was once big Jear-Bearn cocoghany. It was like every episode of seinfeld played over each other, just one loud Seinsound.

I this was the fastest I'd ever gone before. I had to be going at least 40 miles per hour. Oh thank fuck, there it was! Then end of this tunnel!

I began to tear up. I destroyed Jerry's chances of ever creating more Seinclones, and now all I had to do was kill the remainder of his army then do away with the (hot) fuckup would-be dictator himself. Victory was mine.

I reached the cargo bay and immediately began looking for a ship that I could use to make my daring escape. I saw my Strato tied up at the docks with a smiley face balloon attached to the rearview mirror. It was reliable, but for a mission such as this, it just wouldn't do. I needed more firepower. I tossed my head around, squinting hard, when I spotted it. Jerry's very own SpaceBoat XL. I knocked towards it, hastily screeching away from the imminent sein-army. I approached the ship, opened the hatch, and what I saw frightened me.

Out from the hatch, emerged a familiar figure and whole lotta fog. The figure was a long, tan, handsome, and jewish.

"Not so fast, Carl." He mackled.

"What? How did you find me so quick sein-fucker!?"

"You think I'd jail your ass without putting a tracker on you? I knew you'd try and pull some shit. I just wanted to watch."

The Seinking himself stood before me now, and his entire legion was at my back like nuclear wind, the scene was intimidating to say the least.

I tried. I really did. But this was it.

"Did you think you could get out of here alive Carl? DID YOU?" Jerry said in a dark, angry tone.

"Did you think you could just sneak into MY Seinhead and put the mean sneed down on my OWN clones!? Huh? WELL YOU WERE FUCKING WRONG BOY. You're about to pay a most unholy price for your actions, Carl. Say your prayers."

I closed my eyes and accepted my fate. Jerry Seinfeld had gotten the better of me, and this was the end of the road.

He lifted me up by my ass, cupping my cheeks like glasses of wine, and holding me like a baby above his head.

"Unacceptable. Kill him." Jerry said, calmly.

I heard the sound of a thousand laser gunz cocking and ready for rocking. I took in a deep dish breath. This was it.

I heard a loud crash to the left of me, thinking it was the last sound I'd ever hear. My eyes were shut TIGHT, and I was terrified. But after like 10 seconds passed, I realised I hadn't beefed it just yet. My baby soft ass plopped onto the ground as Jerry tossed me and retreated. Opening my eyes, I saw a great battle, it was an incredible sight. An entire brigade of at least 400 of the HUEGHS poured in to my rescue. The Sein-army was getting absolutely smak'd. He fled the area FAST leaving his Feld Corps to fend for themselves. What an absolute trashole.

The HUEGHS used spears as their weapons, skewing everything that wasn't them, chanting "HA HOO JEARIBOU" extremely loudie. It was a violent bloodbath that lasted for what seemed like no time at all. When at least a quarter of the Seinclones were dead, Jerry sounded the alarm from the next room over and called for an unconditional retreat back to the Sein-Quarters.

"AFTER HIM." I SCREAMED.

I wasn't about to let this sweet opportunity pass me by.

I got up and hobbled toward Jerry's excape route as fast as my straw thin legs would allow me.

The HUEGHS began to celebrate their victory as I dashed out thru tha 6. Jerry would not get away.

I spun 90's and 480's at every corner, this place was a maze if I'd ever seen one. I was disoriented, and the only thing guiding me was the sounds of Jerry's frantic panting and clacking of his fragile brown shoes. I was aroused.

At last, I had cornered him.

"Well, Jerry… You put up a good battle, but I guess it's finally my turn to lay down the hurt." I sneered.

Jear bear seemed unreasonably calm, with a hand on his hip and a snide little grin on his face.

Without a word, he suavely smacked the wall next him and it revealed a big lever.

"Ta-ta sweetie. ;)" Said he, pulling out his blaster and punching a hole through my thicc gut.

As I lay there, passing out slowly, I saw jear bear yank the lev and teleport. The sign above his head read: DESTINATION: PLANET EARTH.