He has two years to wait, two years to let the guilt go. He knows he should talk to someone, but the risk of contamination to the timeline is too great. This is a journey he must make alone...
Sheppard made it to Atlantis, almost falling through the Gate, thankful to be back and blissfully unaware of the chaos he had left behind in the future. Someone called for a medic as he staggered and ended slid to the floor. When a hand touched his shoulder, he opened his eyes and saw a blonde head and blue eyes staring down at him. 'Colonel Carter?' he queried. Not the woman he wanted to see, but a surprising reassurance all the same.
'Looks like you've gotten yourself in trouble again, Colonel,' she smiled. When he tried to move, she firmly pushed him back down. 'Medical team's on it's way.'
'I've already been treated,' he told her. Carter raised an eyebrow and he sighed, relaxing against the cold metal floor. 'The wormhole drew so much power it flung me into the future. About five or six years, I couldn't really say. As soon as they realised who I was, they kept me isolated.' He had already decided on his lies before he even left the other Atlantis. His story needed to make sense, he couldn't let anyone stop him from keeping the timelines on track.
'Smart move,' Carter noted, but her gaze didn't leave his and he wondered if his head had suddenly become transparent, exposing all his thoughts. 'I'll expect a full report when you're cleared by Dr Keller.'
'Where's Woolsey?'
'Shore leave. Family emergency, and with you gone, the SGC gave the Apollo clearance to stay here for a few weeks. I've been given temporary charge of Atlantis.'
He could hear the wheels of the gurney, Keller's quick steps and her light voice, calling out. He nodded, smiled. 'Good to have you back, Colonel.'
'Likewise, Colonel,' she grinned.
Lying in the infirmary, five years seemed a long time to wait to find out his fate, or rather, the fate of his future counterpart. He could only hope that, wherever he had landed in this timeline, it was somewhere near Elizabeth.
Elizabeth.
She was out there, somewhere. Not safe, far from it in fact. but she was alive, and would remain so, he could only hope, through the long months that followed. Two years, when compared against those five, seemed longer, more arduous, and he wondered how he would survive when each hour crawled past as he lay there, staring at a familiar ceiling.
'John.' It was Teyla. A constant visitor, both with and without her son, who was growing quickly into a sturdy little lad with his father's dark hair and his mother's golden eyes. He turned towards her voice, grateful for the distraction. 'How are you feeling today?'
'I'm alright. I just wish Keller would let me out of here. There's nothing really wrong with me anymore.'
The Athosian smiled, inclining her head slightly and he recognised the look. She used it when she thought her team mates were being foolish. It wasn't the first time she had directed it at him, and it wouldn't be the last. 'You will be allowed out of the infirmary when you are well. Dr Keller is wise in the ways of such things. However, when she does allow you to leave your bed, will you join us for dinner?'
'Love to.' Another distraction and John seized it eagerly. Not that dinner with Teyla and the family was without its charms. The boy, Torren, was a humorous kid who seemed to find his uncle John an amusing fellow. 'Did you ask Rodney?'
'Yes. Dr McKay is also convalescing and I thought it would take his mind off his, shall we say, his current disadvantage. It was his right arm that was broken, and he is currently whining, at length, over the speed with which his assistants are following his instructions.'
'Poor kids,' John remarked with a crooked smile. McKay had a habit of being surprisingly brave when it was needed, of putting aside his woes to deal with the situation in hand. but when the crisis had passed and he was free to lament at will, he very often did.
Although- he frequently moderated his rants whenever Dr Keller was around. John, like everyone else on Atlantis, would have to have been made out of stone not to notice the way Rodney felt about Jennifer. It was another distraction and he added them up in his head; they could fill up the time, save him from going crazy.
Silence had fallen, not uncomfortable, for it never was with those closest to him on Atlantis. But the quiet allowed his thoughts to intrude to again, and the image of Elizabeth, at the mercy of Oberon, flashed across his mind. Leaving almost anyone to Oberon's tender mercies was unthinkable, the idea that Elizabeth would have to endure it for many months yet to come, was intolerable.
'There is something you are not telling us, isn't there?' Teyla's voice was filled with compassion. Whatever it was Sheppard was choosing to keep to himself was just as obviously causing him grief. She wished she could alleviate some of his concerns, but without the Colonel being more forthcoming, she was at a loss to know how to help him.
'Yes.' He admitted without preamble. He couldn't tell her, he never would, but the sheer relief he felt at letting someone know he had a secret to keep, was incredible. He sank back against the pillows with a sigh, allowing his eyes to drift shut.
Teyla waited for a moment, wondering if he would say more, but the conversation was over. She stood for some minutes more and then spoke again. 'I am sure you are very tired, I will leave you. Shall I come again in the morning?'
He opened his eyes, the ghost of a smile touching his mouth. 'You betcha.'
'I will bring Torren. He has missed you.'
'Well, I'm a missable kinda guy,' the smile was broader now, and there was a comfort in that, to see his old self shining through. Whatever secrets John harboured, she was sure that they were not too heavy for the good of his soul. And if they were, perhaps he would relieve himself of his burdens then.
When he was finally allowed out, John found himself on the balcony outside her office first. It was a place he'd often found solace, and a kind of peace, inbetween the chaos of one crisis and the next. Breathing in the cool salt air, he listened to the waves crashing distantly against the city below. It's natural to come here, like going out to the pier when he thinks of Carson. Places he associates in Atlantis with the people they've lost. It didn't take long for him to end up on the balcony again, and again.
Behind him the door slid open and he heard her step out onto the balcony. It wasn't fair to Carter, he realised. She was a good person, a great leader and yet, every time he saw her in that office, he hated it. She deserved his loyalty, not his contempt. 'I didn't realise anyone was out here,' she said quietly, joining him at the rail.
Carter wasn't often out here. A while after Elizabeth first went missing, if things went badly, or were quiet, John would find his way out here and she never wanted to intrude on that. Back at the SGC, when Jack had gone missing, no one else came in to lounge or fiddle. Not even her team mates. It Jack's habit, Jack's seat. She felt like this about the balcony, and it was only after Elizabeth's Replicated self had turned up with copies of Sheppard, McKay, Teyla and Ronan along, informing him Weir was dead, that her quarters had been freed up.
Oddly, they were still empty. It would take time, Carter realised. Taking over Weir's office had been bad enough, she was content to leave her quarters empty. Oddly she was sure John never went there, it was always here, on the balcony, looking over the waves. She looked out over the ocean, taking in a deep breath. 'Everytime I come out here, not often I'll admit, I can see why Dr Weir liked it here.'
He nodded, his fingers unconsciously tightening on the rail. 'She was almost a part of the city itself. An alternate timeline Elizabeth waited in this city for ten thousand years just so we could land here safely. She gave her life for the Expedition. I don't think there's a version of her that would do less.'
Carter nodded, hesitating, as if she wasn't sure whether to speak. 'Off the record, John?'
He paused but nodded slowly, turning to look at her. 'Go on.'
'Since you've come back, you've been spending more time out here. Did you learn something out there? If you've got a lead, a plan, anything, I'm wiling to listen. Dr Weir and I didn't always see eye to eye but we believed in the same things. If I could bring her back, I would throw the resources of Atlantis and the Apollo into that mission. I know you don't believe she's dead, not really.'
'My report says I was isolated. So I wouldn't affect future timelines.'
'I know,' she said, 'I also know that sometimes what happens out there, offworld, stays out there. You don't have to feel guilty, John, I read the reports, you did everything you could and Dr Weir made her own choices,' she half smiled, 'she always did.'
He nodded, wondering if he should say something but Sheppard had been adamant. Involving just one more person could send the future in a completely different direction. As much as he wanted the help, especially from someone as smart and resourceful as Carter who had already experienced changing timelines, he wouldn't play roulette with Elizabeth's life. He couldn't. He had already done that once too often, and he had lost.
So he let Carter go without a word.
Lose the guilt, his counterpart told him, and Carter now too, although he refused to speculate why that should be so important. He was never one for introspection but he's thinking of guilt now, and his in particular. All the people who've died, all those he felt guilty over, and all those he caused.
The numbers don't necessarily tally.
He fixes the names in his head, ending with Elizabeth's. He's got nothing else to do whilst he's marking time to the first fork in the road, this is the only problem he can tackle, so he does. For a little while. By the time John left the balcony, he felt calmer, two years feeling more manageable than they did back in the infirmary.
