Chuck worried his lip as he read over the newest chapter. There was no way the fans would react well to this. Seriously, what kind of self centered ass-hat wrote themselves into their novel? It wasn't even in a clever way either, not like Stan Lee in all of his movies or Alfred Hitchcock. No, his brain somehow took it one step further by labeling him 'Profit of the Lord'. Sitting back down, he fiddled with his fingers some more as he tried to find a way to write himself out of the chapter.
Dean was unconvinced as he eyed the Romantic novelist versions of Castiel and himself on the cover of the 'Winchester Gospel', he current running title being 'Angel of Perdition'.
"So what, we're gonna hunt this guy down and make him tell us what all is going on?"
"That's the idea."
"Right, because that is gonna be so damn easy."
"Actually-"
Gabriel produced a small piece of paper from his pocket.
"Yeah, it is."
At that moment, Dean wanted nothing more than to wipe the smirk off of that smug bastard's face, but somehow Castiel beat him to the punch and actually read the paper in hand.
"That is the address of the Publisher."
Dean could friggin' kiss him as he watched Gabriel's ego deflate to normal levels.
"Yeah, well Carver Edlund isn't exactly his real name either. I went with what I could find. The way I see it, the publisher is the most likely to know where to find him."
"Right…"
Dean glanced at Castiel again. Why has he hidden his wings from him? Yeah, not the problem right now, but it bugged him. Why could he snap and flaunt them at Gabe – sure, that wasn't really the intent, but it might as well have been – but he couldn't even bring himself to let the one person who had not only insisted on getting his Grace back but the guy who had actually – no. He couldn't dwell on this now, not when things were finally moving forward. He turned to his Angelic companion – thank you fucking much - and asked the obvious question.
"So, how're we gonna do this?"
Den had expected some half baked fiasco orchestrated by the resident Archangel. Instead, Castiel piped in.
"We will figure the method on the way there."
He had heard worse ideas.
"Okay."
As Dean prepared for the trip – after insisting on using the Impala to 'keep up appearances' – Castiel pulled Gabriel aside briefly.
"How did you manage to locate the profit?"
"I have my ways."
Castiel gave his best incredulous look in reply to the sly smirk and jostling of the eyebrows that Gabriel had provided him. Castiel won out.
"Okay, fine. I was trolling some forums –"
"What do yo-"
"-and apparently this book has a huge female following. Seriously, it's the new Twilight."
"I am fairly certain that I understood none of your statement."
"Look, baby bro, don't sweat it. I used technology and found this guy by chance. Simple, right?"
"I…suppose; and the novel?"
"What, this?"
His brother waved the paperback while Castiel nodded the affirmative. He tried not to seem overly eager, something he was sure would cause suspicion.
"I found it at some run down second hand store for cheap. Why?"
"Do you have further purpose for it?"
"Nah, I was just - oh."
Castiel shifted from one foot to another, trying to ignore the thinly veiled pity in Gabriel's eyes. Of course he had suspected that the Archangel would figure it out, but silently he had hoped for the opposite.
"May I have the book or not?"
"Uh, yeah…"
Weakly, he handed the tome over. Castiel welcomed the weight of it, hoping that perhaps he could find some insight to the life he could not recall within its pages. He placed it into one of the larger pockets of the leather jacket Den had insisted he keep.
"I can't use it anymore, but it's a good coat and I don't want it to go to waste."
"But Dean-"
"Look, Cass…It was my Dad's coat. I know you're an Angel again and you don't need one, but seeing as how it's winter and you no longer have your flasher coat you need something to make you blend in a little more."
"Dean…"
"Just…take the damn coat."
Castiel was pulled from his mental reverie as Dean placed a hand on his shoulder.
"You ready?"
"Yes."
The publisher was halfway across the continent, causing the car ride to go from being a couple of hours to a couple of days. They had to stop for the night, between Dean's discomfort with his wings and Castiel's inability to take the wheel. The motel was as destitute as they come, looking more like set from a poorly written porno than a place people were meant to sleep.
Dean had to nearly drag the Angel out of the passenger seat; his frustration building as his companion absorbed himself in the stupid book. Seriously, what could be so interesting about it? He had finally settled into the chair by the window when Gabe popped in with food and…
"Is that a laptop?"
"Mac book, actually."
"Why?"
He'd tried not to sound annoyed, but that rarely ever worked when he was talking to Gabe. The Archangel simply shrugged it off as he sat both the bag of burgers and the 'Mac Book' on the table in front of Dean.
"I dunno, figured you might get a kick out of the forums."
"Forums?"
He was already reaching his hand into the bag, pulling out one burger for himself as he vaguely wondered if Castiel even needed to eat anymore. What the Hell was Gabriel getting at now?
"Yeah, you've got fans."
Gabe set Dean in the right direction and let him loose on the fan populace. What better prank than one you didn't have to fabricate? He didn't even have to wait long until –
"Check this out; 'Simpatico' says, 'The Demon storyline is trite, cliché and overall craptastic.'"
He watched as the winged man looked up expectantly at Castiel, who was still so engrossed in the book that he had missed the entire situation. Dean mumbled something about them being craptastic under his breath as he delved back in. Another five minutes and he was excited again.
"Hey guys, there's Dean girls, Cass girls – even a few Gabe ones."
He winked briefly at Gabriel before turning back to the screen. Wait for it…
"What's a Slash Fan?"
"As in together, lug head; like Dean slash Cass."
"You mean…together together?"
"Yup."
"Like bumping uglies?"
"Yeah."
And there it was, that in-denial face scrunch. Oh, he was totally cataloguing that for later hilarity.
"Oh, c'mon! We're both men! He's a priest for crying out loud! These people are deprived."
Dean shut the Mac book and pushed it away from himself. Mission accomplished, Gabe excused himself and flew off.
Castiel had long since finished the book, having read and reread over certain parts in an attempt to recollect them in vain. Once he noticed Gabriel pull out the electronic device he knew that his brother was plotting something. Pagans did not call him the God of Mischief for nothing. The Angel had managed to stay out of the ensuing mess until the moment Gabriel left.
"What is 'bumping uglies'?"
The Righteous Man seemed startled at first, looking at Castiel with wide eyes as an array of emotions passed through them – bemusement, realization and finally pain. It was the pain that got to him, causing Castiel to turn away from his companion.
"I should not have asked, my apolo-"
"No, man, it's cool."
For a moment, everything was back to normal. Castiel was unjustifiably clueless about innuendos and Dean had a quip at the tip of his tongue. Then reality settled on his mind. Castiel had no memories of the past 30 years. There was no way for him to know terms like 'bumping uglies'. It wasn't even the Angel's fault that he was lost, it was Dean's.
"It means having sex, Cass."
"Oh…"
Castiel thought a moment before he responded.
"I do not see how that could be offensive."
"Uh, we're both dudes to start with."
"Homosexuality is not offensive, Dean."
Dean seemed confused by his statement.
"Isn't butt stuff like…a sin or something?"
"If you are referring to anal intercourse –"
"Ugh, don't say that!"
"- then no."
"What about the whole Sodom and Gomorrah thing?"
"They intended to defile an Angel, Dean and they were performing sodomy. Anal intercourse was not the sin they committed."
"Wait, I thought sodomy was butt stuff."
"Recent misuse of the term has become common, but 'sodomy' is hedonistic anarchy. They were punished for a certain kind of lawlessness, a certain form of hedonism. Amorality was law in that situation; it was applied to 'butt stuff' by bigots who found homosexuality unsavory and by the religious zealots who improperly or incompletely read the story in the bible and misinterpreted it to suit their own emotions on the matter."
"Oh…"
The winged man was silent for a little while, his face a mask of thoughtful confusion.
"So homosexuality is okay?"
"Yes, God is utterly indifferent to sexual orientation."
"Huh."
