A/N: I'm back after a long and extended absence. So sorry but I've been busy trying to be a good student and raise my grades. (uncomfortable silence) Moving on… please enjoy!!

Disclaimer: If you think that I own the Phantom of the Opera then a disaster beyond your imagination shall occur! I don't own that line by the way either.

Narrator: When we last saw our friends the odd and certainly eventful Masquerade Party had come to a close. Christine went to go sleep in her old room for sentimental reasons (Raoul never really questioned the thought that the Phantom has a one-way mirror in her room… oh well!) and Raoul was on the prowl for some answers. Or if not answers then maybe some more of those delectable sausages…

Raoul: Hmm… I think the kitchens are downstairs and to the left…

MG: Raoul! Fancy meeting you here in the dark hallway! Just so you know, I couldn't possibly tell you anything about the Phantom's past.

Raoul: Wait… so you know something about his past?

MG: (mysteriously) Do I?

Raoul: You tell me right now you old… old… old woman!

MG: Oh ouch… Raoul that hurt… (rolls eyes and starts to walk down hallway again)

Raoul: There's a lot more where the came from! Now tell me for the sake of Christine!

MG: Umm… let me think… ah no.

Raoul: For my sake?

MG: I hate you.

Raoul: For the Managers' sakes?

MG: They tried to fire me last week.

Raoul: For Carlotta and Piangi's sakes?

MG: Do I even need to respond to that?

Raoul: Shoot, you're right. Well I guess that nothing I say can persuade you to talk… darn. (begins to leave)

MG: Wait… so that's it? You're done trying? Already?

Raoul: Erm… yeah. That's all I got.

MG: You're not going to give me a puppy face or try to blackmail me into telling you or… or guilt me into it?

Raoul: Nah, I'm more interested in finding something to eat or some hair gel than learning about some stupid old pervert and how he got that way. (continues to leave)

MG: You passed the test! You may now learn about the Phantom!

Raoul: That's okay… maybe some other time.

MG: SIT!!

Raoul: Okay. (is forced into a seat by MG)

MG: Oh it was such a long time ago… I can hardly remember anymore…

Raoul: Yeah… cuz you're old and senile right?

MG: Your hair looks stupid.

Raoul: (gasp!) Egad woman! Do you want to shatter my soul?

MG: Well now that you mention it…

Raoul: Well as long as I'm just sitting here… would you please hurry up with the story! (begins to whine) I miss my Chrissy-Poo!

MG: Alright then… don't get your thong in a bunch… (ahem!) It was a long time ago… I was visiting a twisted and demented traveling fair because my friends bet me two dollars that I would be maimed in less than two minutes. I thought it would be in more than five.

(FLASHBACK!)

Young MG: Ew… ew, ew, ew!!!! These guys need to take a shower!

Circus Man: Come up and see… (takes a deep breath) THE YOUNG BOY WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO SELF-ESTEEM!! His mother abandoned him at the age of three days and he's been with us ever since! We make it a point to completely shatter his soul!

Young MG: That sounds so cruel and barbaric… why would you witness such a sad event? (pauses a moment) Ah, what the heck! Bring on the tissues and runny mascara people! (enters tent and takes a seat in the crowd)

Circus Man #2: And now… we bring you… THE YOUNG BOY WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO SELF-ESTEEM!!! (brings out a boy with a bag over his head) He suffers from the false notion that his face is horribly disfigured and maimed!

Young MG: Hmm… I might need some popcorn for this… (spots a vendor) HEY YOU!!! One popcorn please!

Circus Man #2: Drum roll Puhlease!! (drum roll) And… ABRA CADABRA! (pulls off bag)

Young Erik: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!! DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!!!!! IT MAKES ME… UNCOMFORTABLE!!!! (frantically covers face in hands)

Young MG: GASP!!!! (munch, munch) He has absolutely (munch) no self-esteem!

Young Erik: NOOOOOOOO!!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST KILL ME AND GET IT OVER WITH!!!!????

Young MG: Uh-oh… (holds stomach in pain) Guilty feelings are invading my insides again! Or it could be the popcorn…

Young Erik: (attempts to slit wrists with pebbles in his cage) WHHHYYY???

Young MG: (sigh) Okay… it's NOT the popcorn! DAMMIT!!! (sighs again) I guess I should help him in some way… (throws a small bottle of pills into cage) HERE KID!! TAKE SOME ANTI-DEPPRESANTS!! THEY'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER!!

Young Erik: (sniff) What's this? Kindness in the darkness! (pause) (to himself) Of course not… Smeagol… nobody likes you, preciousssss!

Audience: Huh?

Young Erik: (now back to normal) Oh… WHHHYYY??? (begins to bang head against ground and screaming)

Young MG: Oh dear lord…

(END FLASHBACK!!)

MG: So I took him to the Opera House with me where he lives to this very day.

Raoul: Well… that was certainly a creepy story before bed… The Phantom has a split personality named Smeagol?

MG: (snorts) But of course! Where else did you think J.R.R. Tolkien got the idea for his book?

Raoul: Who?

MG: Oh never mind… anyway the alter ego went away with lots of therapy. It only comes out occasionally now.

Raoul: Well… now that I know the Phantom's "dark and mysterious secret" can I go now?

MG: I suppose that would be appropriate… seeing as how you know everything there is to know…

Raoul: He doesn't happen to be addicted to those anti-depressant pills…

MG: Good heavens no!! As far as I know he never took any!!

Raoul: Well that's definitely a comfort… the last thing we need is a murderous Phantom on the loose while loaded off prescription pills… good night Madam Giry!

MG: Goodnight fophead! (vanishes in a puff of smoke)

Raoul: You know what? That's a pretty nifty trick! I wonder how she… oh look! I found the kitchens!

Narrator: Meanwhile… down in the Phantoms dark and stinky lair…

Phantom: Aahh… nothing like a good dose of anti-depressants to put you to sleep! (lies down in his coffin bed) (yawns) Goodnight… precious. (snore)

A/N: Okay… depressingly short and probably makes no sense but a short update is better than none right? Anyway, please review! I don't own Smeagol or the precious by the way… it's from the creators of Lord of the Rings!