Juti's POV
The journey to home was nothing special to mention, save for Erik's endless adoration and gratitude he was still showering me with.
The strange thing was he became even more grateful and loving towards me after I sightread Don Juan Triumphant that evening. He now completely trusted me wih his music, as it reflected his very soul, and allowed me to read the manuscript as often as I pleased. He no longer feared it was going to destroy me, but he once expressed worry over me being able to look at that madness just as music. I did not know what else it could be other than a well- composed and surely out of form piece of art, and as I was reading towards the middle of the second act, Erik's music started to lack even the small amount of form it had before. "Maybe this is where the book's events started taking place?" I thought with a faint smile and glanced up curiously to catch his eye contact. He reads my mind perfectly in the majority of time - he will tell. He did not reply though, only sent me a little unhappy sigh, which indicated I was indeed right.
- I would be grateful if you stopped analyzing it as if it was a normal opera. - He pointed out in a bad mood after I showed him an accord and asked how that solution came to his mind. I was trying to occupy myself on a long train ride back towards Paris, by possibly learning new forms of composing, but Erik did not exactly take it as a compliment.
- I wish to compose like you one day. - I explained. - I did not intend to hurt your feelings.
- I know, but do not wish that, dear, to compose like Erik.
- I know, you said I had to find my own style, but some ways you use in counterpoint would come in handy to me.
- I am not talking about the technical side of the composing, mind you. - He rose his index finger in a warning way- To be able to compose this madness would require you to suffer the same miserable life I did. You had a great life so far. - He sighed. - Be thankful for your good luck to have a nose.
- You could chop it off for me so I will match you. - I giggled, trying to make Erik forget about his physical disfigurement, or to ease the situation with humor. Though Erik usually liked dark humor, he never laughed when I offered him to hurt me in any way.
- Sometimes I really dislike the nonsense you are talking. I can only hope you are NOT this crazy you sometimes show yourself as. - He jumped up from next to me on the train and crossed the compartment a few times back and forth, then threw himself back down on the seat, looking out of the window with an irritated little snort.
- Sometimes I don't watch my tongue before speaking. - I cuddled up against his side with an apologetic rub on his shoulder. He looked at me and without a word, hugged me closer, looking down at my head.
- We are alike in this aspect. - He remarked softly after some moments in silence. - But never ever joke with this again, I hate to think about hurting or losing you in any way.
- I promise, never again. - I nodded.
He sounded to be relieved as he said "Thank you".
The journey back home was noticeably shorter, we did not stop as often and did not do sightseeing any more. We saw everything, no need to look at them once more. Of course, it was easy for Erik. In his youth he travelled through all of Europe and some other countries as well, and everything he showed me now, he had already seen. He was smiling at me though, a lot, as I was extremely excited and wanted to learn new things even about buildings and architecture which wasn't my forte at all. In reality I liked to study in general, and learning was my hobby. What I learn was nearly unimportant- I liked to learn things I could not have explained by myself later. Everything interested me, I was just not that lucky to match Erik's intelligence to understand everything I learned. Or so I thought.
Oh yes, I had to meet this shameful little experience once during our marriage, and I was afraid what Erik will say if he finds out my weak spot. No, not singing. I used to be extremely bashful about my voice in the beginning of our relationship and I was ashamed he heard my voice for the first time, but since he made me self confident enough to sing without shame again and the music lessons made me sound a lot better than I did before, I was no longer so self critical about singing in front of anyone anymore. Oh no. The aspect he did not yet know about was math and calculating. Sure, I had mentioned him once briefly that I was terrible at calculating things, but I bet he did not believe me and I am sure he wasn't capable of imagining such an anti talent as I was.
Once though, when I asked him how much does a person ask for a music lesson in Paris, and when he gave me the answer and it took me a noticeable LONG amount of time to finally, after 3 retries to calculate my possible monthly earnings (God damn centimes and other change), he had to see what a pitiful excuse I was in the world of numbers.
- Told you. - I sighed, realizing the amount of disbelief and shock in his glance. - Pray that our child won't inherit this.
- There is no possible way for that to happen. - He shook his head with a forgiving smile. - I told you many times we are not going to have any children the usual way. You don't have to fear any of our unlucky TRAITS to be passed through.
- I would not mind your angelic voice to be passed through though. - I smiled at him with a wink.
- Some things can't be reproduced. - He nodded with self-pride.
I smiled and admitted he was right - he had such a beautiful and unique voice I haven't heard before, and when I read the book I could not imagine it can exist. But knowing him made me learn what an angel might sound like. Powerful and demanding if needed, yet soft and silky, deep and calming, with an unearthly resonance, and he had a humanly impossible range, being able to sing both bass or boy soprano. I was sure such a voice can't be reproduced indeed, not even with genetic knowledge of the XXI st century.
Thinking about his voice and the angels suddenly made me recall a quote from the Bible I met when I was trying to search for the reasons of birth disfigurements according to religions. I was curious because Susan Kay seemed to give a religious reason behind Erik's deformity when she wrote that blasphemous sentence from Madeleine's lips. God seemed to punish her as she was speaking ill of the unborn- yet I never understood why God had to be even more cruel about an innocent baby than his own mother, deciding upon making him disfigured in the end if Madeleine committed blasphemy. As I did not find that too righteous, I tried to search for another reason, and I found a passage in which it was mentioned real angels from Heavens took up human form and slept with earthly women, but they weren't intended at all to reproduce and be humans, and the punishment for that was the child was always a freak.
- In what thoughts are you so deep in, eh? - Erik leaned closer, playfully poking my nose.
- You believe in God. - I stated cautiously.
- I tend to again, nowadays since He gave me a wife to love. In a quite unusual way, to remark. - He smiled. - Why?
- Do you mind if I tell you a theory?
- No. - He shrugged.
- Your father was an angel. - I smiled. - You might not be the Angel of Music in reality, but maybe your Daddy was sent from Heaven…?
- Let me guess… - I could see he knew why I said that and was trying to recall the exact same passage as well, to quote it, but failed in the end, - it is about that line in Genesis, right, that angels have freak children from humans? I wish it was at least I belong partly to Heaven, but no. - He shook his head. - I can tell you my father was a human. Just an ordinary man, not a vampire or angel, nor was he a demigod. He was a contractor, that is all.
"You can never be a hundred percent sure never meeting him in real life. " I thought, yet I did not tell it to him out loud. He just stroke my hair in amusement and chuckled.
- The theories you make up, my dear… - He kept repeating laughing and shaking his head.
It was indeed hard for me to accept logically that a man like Erik, knowing so many things, having so much talents at once and being so strong even with his skeletal build can't be more than a human and wasn't a supernatural creature. Yes, I knew he could make people believe whatever he wanted them to believe, and his strength could easily be the result of his physical work in the past, I liked to imagine him as a true angel, and not just a skilled illusionist who loved to study and master everything, with a very pleasant speaking and singing voice.
Also, I knew the reason Erik did not like to think himself as an angel was the reason he committed too much sins in the past - but well, there are fallen angels as well… everything can be explained both ways. Erik stubbornly searched the earthly and logical explanations in everything, and contrary to him being the resident Opera Ghost for years, he refused to believe in ghosts.
- I wanted to use that board you can talk to ghosts by but I never had one and I was always alone. - I admitted to him once.
- Nonsense. - He waved in the air. - I can't imagine how is that possible for a child of the future, where you can find every information on your fingertips to be even more superstitious than an uneducated cleaning woman at the Opera in the late eighteens.
- I can't help but believe in supernatural things mostly.
- Because you are merely an artistic soul, who likes to make up a reality in reality. You dream being awake.
- If I did not wholeheartedly believe in your story I would have never time travelled here to find it out myself. - I pointed out.
- I am thankful for your naivity then, you believe everything if it is told convincingly enough. I only warn you to be careful… a bit more careful than you tend to be. Don't trust everyone, and don't believe everything you see. Learn to doubt. Don't be a next victim of someone who wants to use that trait to their advance.
- With another word… you don't want me to be the next Christine Daaé? - I winked at him.
- Exacly. Touché. - He moaned. - But at least you understand my intents.
Arriving home was a pleasant thing after such a long journey. Meeting Wolfy again melted my heart, him purring and climbing up on my lap made me happy and feel that I am loved by someone else than Erik as well. I was feeling a bit of guilty for leaving him there in the house for such a long time, but the Daroga was so kind to take care of him that I at least knew he was in good hands.
- Right, the cat is alive. - Erik nodded noticing him on my lap. - And I am going to take the keys back from the Daroga the next time he visits.
- Won't it be better to have them at him for emergencies?
-No. He would be the last person I would leave the keys at for "emergencies". The nosy cop.
- Erik, Erik… - I shook my head, smiling.
- You don't know him for as much time as I do. - He replied naturally while opening all the doors the Daroga was closed out of.
- I am going to search for a maid tomorrow. - He moaned, seeing what the fact he did not let the Daroga in those rooms had caused - all of the rooms were full of dust.
- I will do it. - I offered.
- We have already talked about this, did we not? - He pointed at me accusingly. - You promised Erik you will agree.
- It was merely an offer. - I backed away. - I agree.
A nod came as a response.
- But you promised something as well. - I warned him as he started making our beds for the evening, changing the sheets. He removed his clothing unnecessary for this task, but the Michael Crawford mask was still on him.
- Yes? What? - He turned back to face me.
I pointed at my face without a word, and imitated a peeling movement, just as if I'd remove a rubber mask like his.
- All right, all right, I forgot it. - He turned away from me while he took off the mask, then turned back to show me his real face finally. - Here, are you satisfied?
- I couldn't be happier. - I unexpectedly jumped into his arms and he nearly wasn't able to catch me in time.
- Oh you scared me I thought you will fall right in front of me. - He kissed my forehead. - Little silly.
- You always catch me. - I grinned. - I trust you.
He always seemed to be surprised when I assured him about my trust towards him, and when I wanted to see is bare face instead of the Michael Crawford mask.
Life went on, not exactly as it used to be before our honeymoon, as Erik was noticeably kinder and sweeter even more so than he was, and we hired a maid who came to take care of the house instead of my dear old husband, or me. She, contrary to what we agreed about with Erik before, did not only come once a week, but every other day on weekdays. I did not mind it too much as in the end I liked Marie-Susanne. She was kind and helpful, I expected someone older and more vulgar, someone like Mabel in the series "You rang M'lord?", but the maid wasn't a toothless drunkard. She was just a bit older than me, about 35, she had red hair and freckles, and she told me she had two children. I most certainly felt better about her presence and trusted her enough to let her do my job. Erik was content. I understood he did not wish to bother with housework any more, he was old, a man, and he had been doing housework for too long to enjoy it any longer. I felt like a spoiled princess. I was used to doing housework when I used to live at home, and I loved to help my Mom, but I did not feel too useless contrary to I did not have any job to do.
Something started to occupy my mind other than music: the thought about angels and religion came to my mind more and more often, and the fact we did not have a wedding Erik imagined for us completely was starting to interest me. I know he wanted a church wedding… but not only that. I started to get more interested about religious music. I haven't heard much masses other than Mozart's religious works, and I always wished to learn new things… and why to be a outsider when I could take a spiritual journey? My parents wanted me to chose the religion I feel like following in my adulthood, this is why I received no religious education or baptismal. But it did not have to stay like this. If I can make both of us happy, why not to surprise Erik with a decision I won't harm anyone with?
As Erik wanted to get married at the Madeleine, I thought it was the easiest and most logical step if I started to make preparations in that very church. I wasn't idle for too much time - I was always proud to be able to say no to procrastination. It was going to take months anyway. I am afraid I am already late if I wanted it to happen before Christmas- but anyway, it will be good next year as well.
Erik
22ndNovember, 1882
I don't now what is it going on with Juti lately. We are a happily married couple, and she is so sweet to me every time she is in my presence, the dear little girl, and I could not be happier as a husband. I always wished for married life like this, in peace and calm, and I love to bathe her in milk and butter, I literally kiss the ground she walks on, and she is still so clingy and loving to me… and everything is so perfect I can't believe it is my life. Sometimes I still think I am going to wake up in the cellars in that horrid coffin, but I slowly believe it can't be a dream. But everything is so perfect… Nearly everything…
She has secrets in front of Erik. And he does not like it too much. It always makes me have disgusting and shameful accusations against her in my mind. I know I shall not think she goes to attract men on the streets and after she comes home to be my dear little wife. But I can't help but think she has something important to hide from me. Erik hates secrets. I should trust my own wife, damn it, but old habits die hard… and I am jealous and my early life made me learn the hard way I can't blindly trust people.
But she is so strange lately… at first she is going somewhere alone nearly every day. ALONE, I repeat.
At least she could TELL me where she is going. Especially on Sundays. Without ME. I am not against a walk, on the contrary, but I am SUPPOSED to take her out on Sundays. WHY she goes all alone? Every time I offer my accompaniment she refuses and finds a pitiful excuse of a LIE why I should not join her. The first day she disappeared she only told me she felt weak and needed a bit of walk in the fresh air. She returned 3 hours later. Ha! Does she think me THIS stupid?
Another warning sign is she started reading the Bible. The bookmark I left in it keeps reappearing at different places all the time. Also, I noticed she was humming psalms under her breath. Someone, or at least I turn to God always when I feel extremely guilty about something and I wish to seek for forgiveness or at least compassion. Can it be something bothers her? Did she do something she has to confess…? And what that may be if she does not want to tell it to the closest person to her: me? Can it be because it is something she does not want to tell me as it is something she committed AGAINST me? I know I should not think such things about her but her behavior changed and I can't find any logical reason why.
My patience is slowly coming at an end. And when it happens may God have mercy upon us.
25thNovember
I could not help but tried to confront her today when she tried to sneak out of the house again. She stuttered some nonsense yet again, which made me even surer she isn't being honest with me. I did not wish to yell at her for hours to come and lock her up in the house before I know the truth, so I counted to ten in my mind and played the role of the idiot who does not realize what is going on right in front of his nose. Yet, my darling, if you are meeting a young man, I shall teach you the lesson of how to treat your husband!
Following her was easier than I thought. She did not go by any vehicle though, she was WALKING. Walking to downtown from the suburbs. This is why her feet are in pain, as sometimes she did complain about it, so now I know. I did not have to go too silently in her heels. She seemed to be deaf to any kind of distraction, she did not hear my footsteps, not even my coughing I accidentally nearly revealed myself by. She just walked. I noticed the tempo and the style of her walking slightly changed from time to time, and I did not understand why. There were moments she was walking slowly for a time, but it abruptly changed to cheerful marching a few minutes later. She added bouncy jumps from time to time and looked to be amused. What on Earth was going on was beyond me until we reached more crowded streets. She was marching and jumping around happily, I was sometimes afraid she might lose her balance or slip on the bit of icy roads. She did not seem to care at all, she was at someplace else in her mind, but why did she not hear anything?
I was following her a few steps behind her back, when we arrived to a road junction. A carriage wanted to turn into the street to the right, and when I noticed that I stopped to let it go. Yet she did not! She wanted to cross the road in front of her without even looking around… The only thing I could see was the carriage turning and she taking steps towards the middle of the road, and wanted to do a happy little jump…
I thought I was going to get a heart attack in that exact moment…
Juti's POV
I suddenly felt a rather violent squeeze on my arm and someone pulled me backwards by their full force, so I nearly fell back, and through the cheerful melodies of Carmen's Overture I heard a cry. It was a painful and scared yell of a male, and upon trying to regain my balance I noticed a carriage passing me just a few centimeters away from me. It nearly hit me, and would have if the person did not pull me back in the last minute. I quickly removed the ear-buds and looked back at my hero to thank them and… there I noticed my husband, not being able to do anything else than squeezing my coat on the arm, breathing heavily from I believe, fright and anger at the same time.
- Thank you, Erik, dear… - I stuttered sheepishly. I did not know what else to tell him and he wasn't in the mood to say anything. He caught my shoulders from both sides and shook me. I did not tell him to stop, he was right. He wasn't angry at me, but he did not know how else to release his stress about nearly losing me.. or at least I could have gotten seriously injured.
- I am sorry Erik, I did not hear…
- I know. - He replied in a bad mood. - Never dare to listen to your stupid music on the streets again, or else I will…
- You saved my life. - I smiled at him, hoping to make him feel better and I hugged him. He was trembling, but hugged me to himself. - You saved my life yet again. - I repeated, burying my face into his coat. - My hero.
- Meh. - He sighed, seemingly feeling a bit less stressed, but he still wasn't too happy. - Home we go.
- Umm… Erik, I have some business to…
- No. - He shook his head violently. - Enough.
- I am going to be late.
- Your partner can wait. - He snapped. - If you do this a few more times I will be dead and buried anyway, so you can meet him soon!
- You think…? - I gasped and looked up to meet his eye contact. - Erik this is why you followed me? To see if I meet another man?
He did not reply. He pulled me by the arm to turn around and walk home, but at the first corner to the opposite direction he stopped and leaned against a wall.
- Erik, are you all right? - I called out with worry.
No reply.
- Erik please I did not mean to scare you this way and I had no intent to meet anyone else than you.. I love you and… and…
- Where did you want to go? - He hissed.
- I can't tell. - I shook my head. - Surprise.
- I hate surprises. - He barked. - DO tell.
- I was heading to the Madeleine. - I admitted. There was no use to deny it any longer, Erik was simply too angry with me to handle the fact I was dishonest with him any longer.
- On foot? - He did not seem to believe me, it was quite a walk from our home.
- Yes, I don't want to go by a cab, I have no money for that.
- Bullshit! - He snapped. - You do have money for it, you go to my room and take bloody two francs out of my wallet and hire a cab! Simple as Hell.
- You know well that I don't like to take money from you.
- Virgin Mary in Heaven why are you such a stu…. studious little ting mostly God daaaaa…. Dante's Inferno was a great book!
I nearly started laughing about how hard he tried to avoid cussing and so he changed the words he intended to say by nonsense. I hugged him again, he did not protest.
- I am sorry. I go to the Madeleine regularly for a reason.
- What reason?
- Can it still remain a surprise dear?
- No.
- I show you something at home. - I nodded then, accepting the fact my secret was going to be revealed and I did not want Erik to stay on the streets in this state of mind. He was too much worked up emotionally and he maybe did not feel too well after such a shock. The weather was cold and I knew he was often cold anyway. He was happy to see I did not try to go to the Madeleine, but agreed to go home with him.
When we arrived back to our house and we got rid of our winter clothing I walked to the salon to meet him to talk. He sat down at his chair and I sat down on the handrail to hand him a piece of paper.
- This is my baptismal certificate as you can see. - I explained. - I am not a pagan any more.
He looked up at me in surprise and asked
- But why?
- I made this decision for more reasons. At first, I know I did not know the Bible well enough. I did not receive religious education and I wished to change that. I wanted to go along this spiritual journey and get closer to God. I believe in some kind of greater power anyway, which can be comforting to think about. May it be called God or anything else. I am not an atheist, just was undecided about wanting to do anything with religion or not. Secondly I think I can get rid of my flaws easier if I fight against them and confess my wrong habits and decisions. For example I confessed I can't take anything seriously and I joke about the wrong things which should not be joked about.
- Did you? - He smiled finally. - And what did the priest say?
- He said the intentions matter the most. If I joke to hurt someone else it is a sin. If I am sarcastic to mock people it is a sin. Being imature with a good intention is not.
- Yes. - He patted my head with a forgiving smile. - And besides God created you to be like this. I am sure he knows how you are. But I believe you have more reasons for this sudden change of mind. What does it have to do with me which is a surprise, eh?
- Well, that is where I made the mistake. I should have told you. I mean I did not know I had to go to church for so many times until it is possible for us to do what we always wanted to do. I mean I thought it will take much less time to be able to have a church wedding finally, but…
- Do you… did you… just take up my religion so that I can marry you at the Madeleine…? - He gasped but his eyes were full of tears.
-I know it will be too much time passing between the civil and the church wedding, but yes. I wanted to show you I would do anything to make you happy. But as I said not only that.
- Oh you… - He hugged me close and kissed my forehead. - Forgive me.
- What for?
- My accusations… - He looked away in shame.
- I think I would have thought the same in your situation. - I comforted him and gently slipped down on his lap from the handrail. He looked down at me as I sat on his lap and he kissed me on both sides then kissed my forehead again. - So you want to marry me again…? In a few months time or so? I have to have First Communion and I don't know what else. I try to hurry…
- Don't. - He put his long finger on my lips to silence me. - Just go on your journey. It is a big enough gift you were willing to consider ths… thank you. And… I will be honored to marry you in front of God anytime. - He put his large hand on my shoulder.
- Erik…
- Yes?
- I wanted to have another surprise but I need your help with that. You know… I start to think about music another way since I started to read the Bible… I used to think an artist is some kind of God in itself, creating world - famous artworks and the next centuries will remember the artist's name… but I started to see it from another point of view. I think… talent comes from God, right? And one should thank him for that… no?
- Finally. - He nodded. - You understand one of the reasons I don't want my music to be published.
- Would you help me?
- With what? - He smiled.
- I thought of writing a Mass to thank him.
- Good idea.
- But I can't.
- Why not? - He pushed my head down to his shoulder.
- Because I haven't tried it before. - I admitted.
- You did not try to walk the day you were born, did you? - He asked.
- No. - I smiled.
- And you are walking around just fine now, don't you? - He chuckled.
With a smile I looked up at his now uncovered face and smiled at him. This was just what I needed: his support and I knew I will be able to do everything I wanted to.
