[Author's note: Thanks for continuing to read. I got no reviews on the last chapter, and it wasn't one of my favorites either. This one really gets to the core of how the Capitol plays with Peeta's mind though. I hope you'll like it. The "rescue" of Peeta and Johanna is coming soon…so keep reading]
The woman in green adjusts restraints on my wrists, on my ankles, at my waist, and across my chest. The one across my chest is new. The noisy machine is running, and her back faces the camera. I know she is going to talk to me again.
"This is going to get intense, Peeta," She said as if it hasn't been intense previously. "They've added some measures to the protocol that are supposed to prevent the complications you had last time."
"Essentially, they'll keep me from dying?" I asked.
"Yes," she answered while adjusting the IV tubing. "If it works they will be able to give you much larger doses of the venom."
I sighed deeply.
"I know. I'm sorry. I did manage to mix some of the medication that I gave you last time into the venom. It might mitigate the venom's effects somewhat. I wish I could do more."
She turned off the loud machine.
The man in green rushed into the room a few minutes later with several vials of medications. The woman obtained some syringes from a nearby drawer, and the two of them drew the medications from the vials into the syringes. My stomach turned as I wondered how these new medications would make me feel. I was overwhelmed as it was.
How am I going to get through this again? I thought.
"Let's get started," the man in green said happily. "Snow's very pleased with the plan," he added.
The woman started the IV drip. I closed my eyes as I always did. But within seconds the searing pain in my arm caused them to fly open again. It was different than before, rawer. I struggled against the restraints, but then the stains on the ceiling started to transform into faces of people I'd known. Most of them were dead. They jeered at me and called me every terrible name I knew. They said it was my fault they were dead. My mother was chief among them.
"If it weren't for you and that worthless Seam girl, we'd all still be alive! You killed us, all of us! If you'd died in the arena then none of this would ever have happened! I wish you had!"
I forced my eyes closed as a moan escaped my lips. My chest felt crushed, and my brain tingled with unnatural activity.
Moments later I was plunged even deeper into a lonely world of terror.
"I have something for you, Peeta. I found some berries," Katniss says. She puts the spoon in my mouth. It's full of smashed berries.
"These are really sweet. What kind are they?" I ask.
She grins a crooked grin and puts her hands on my shoulders. My heart starts to pound as I recognize the taste of sleeping syrup. No, no, I think. As I grow sleepier, she lowers me down to the cave floor.
"You're going to go to sleep, Peeta. You're not going to wake up. It's for the best though. It's supposed to be this way. This is why I'm here. I have to kill you," she whispers low enough that the microphones placed by the capitol will never detect her words.
I start to lose consciousness, and I hear Katniss singing. She's singing the Valley Song.
For a moment, I'm aware of the procedure room and the man and woman dressed in green again.
"A little more, I think," the man said.
I shook my head, but I couldn't speak. I saw the woman's eyes. They were sympathetic and kind, her lips pressed together in worry. It didn't matter though. I saw her adjust the clamp of the tubing, and the fluid sent lightning through my arm. Instinctually, I tried to sit up but met the resistance of the restraints as they dug into my skin. I clawed at the sheet on the bed hoping to feel some minuscule relief from doing something…anything. None came. Only more nightmares came.
"Peeta, it's Katniss."Her voice is soothing, and for a moment I feel some relief. She is sitting a foot or two away, and she is slowly stroking my hand.
"Lean over here, Peeta. I have something to tell you."
I lean towards her, trying not to move my wounded leg. The cave floor is hard and cold, but it is better than the mud outside. It feels good to be clean of the mud.
"You're going to die, Peeta." She says quietly. I'm not going to kill you though. That'd be too easy for you. I'm going to stay here and watch you die."
I stare at her, confused. She says it matter-of-factly. Her expression is unreadable.
"Why? Why would you want to do that?" I ask.
There is no reply.
She abruptly takes a firm hold of my leg causing me to gasp. Then in one quick motion she pushes it down mercilessly against the cave floor and twists her hand and fingers into the wound. I scream a dreadful scream of agony as I push her into the stony wall of the cave.
She falls forwards on her hands and knees with a thud, but I hear her laughing.
I try to catch my breath as I hold my leg above and below the wound. As I look down, I can see that she's loosened some of the skin that was previously intact. I crane my neck upwards, trying to regain my composure and swallow the pain.
"You can't hurt me, Peeta," Katniss says. "You are rotting alive. I just want to see it happen."
I shiver. She's right. My leg is just rotting flesh. Soon I'll be dead. I hadn't been afraid of dying until that moment, but her words terrify me.
"I'll be glad you are dead, and I won't be the only one. Your mother never wanted you. You started out as a disappointment, and you'll die an embarrassment to her," Katniss goads.
"You don't know anything about my mother!" I yell.
"I know you let her beat you! You're so weak that you let a woman beat you!" She mocked.
"I was a little kid, Katniss!"
"Not that little. Not all the time," she snapped.
"She is my mother!"
Suddenly, I could see the woman in green again.
Stay here! I said to myself. Don't go back.
The woman in green saw my eyes were open and that I was looking at her.
Stay here. Stay here. Don't go back. I tell myself again.
I can't do it through. There is no escape, not mentally and not physically. Another dose of the venom burned down my arm, and I was transported to that nightmare world again.
It's dark. We're in the woods. Katniss runs her fingers up and down my arm. I lay next to her. I kiss her soft lips and she responds by sliding closer to me. Warmth fills me. I reach out and touch her shoulder. Katniss takes my hand and moves it down to her collar bone and then a little further.
"I'll never leave you," She says.
"Yes, you will."
"No, I mean it, Peeta. I'll never leave you,"
"You already have, Katniss."
She kisses me again, but I resist the urge to deepen the kisses.
"You hurt me, Katniss. You always do. You don't know what love and compassion are." I tell her, amazed that the words are falling from my mouth. I pull my hand away from her.
"Perhaps I don't, but I know how to use you. You want to be used. Don't you, Peeta?
"No, that's not what I want."
"Yes, you do," she says alluringly, running her hands up and down my body. "Yes, you do. If you get to be close to me, you don't mind being used at all. It's happened a thousand times already."
"You want to destroy me! You are going to use even moments like this to destroy me!" I accuse.
She kisses me once more and places her hands on my hips. She pulls herself even closer to me, and I sigh.
"You've never been able to resist me, Peeta. What makes you think you can now? Even though you know I'll be the death of you, you still come back for more."
My body responds to hers even though my mind warns me constantly. I pull away, but she pulls me back. I am stronger than her physically, but she has some kind of psychological hold on me. How could I have let myself become so desperate for someone, especially someone so obviously evil?
She continues to touch me, and my resolve falters.
I grab her wrists and pull them up to the level of our chests.
"If you don't love me then don't do this. Getting over you will be next to impossible if you do this," I say, shaking her wrists for emphasis.
"I can do whatever I want, Peeta. You are so weak. That's what love does, it makes you weak," she hisses. "That's why I don't love."
"What happened to you? You aren't the girl I used to know! Who are you?" I demanded.
She giggled.
"I'm Katniss!" She says, oblivious to my distress, her gray eyes dancing.
She leaned in further and pressed hers body against me. I couldn't help but release a small sound of pleasure.
"See, you want me," she said. "You know you want me. It doesn't matter what I've done to you, or who else I'm with, or whose baby I…"
I pull back and hold her hands tighter, mostly to keep them away from me.
I stare at her, utterly shocked.
"Yes, it does matter. All of that matters. There are limits, Katniss. You've reached them. You reached them long ago. I don't love you! I don't want you! I never will again! Stay away from me!"
