A/N: I love you for all the reviews. I hope this chapter is good enough.
LIGHTS AND MUSIC
9. Reason For Love (Nick Kamamera feat. Phelipe [radio edit])
You gotta find love back and change your life
Find a reason why, open up inside
.
As soon as Shizuru entered her flat, she decided to get rid of the lingering smell on skin and take a nice long bath. She hoped it would be enough to ease her mind; she was still ridden with guilt and fear after what she did this morning, unsure if it was the right decision. Maybe if she entirely forgot everything that happened last night, she wouldn't be so distressed, but the slight ache between her legs was a stubborn reminder.
She stood naked in front of the full mirror in the large bathroom, and her eyes widened in astonishment at her reflection.
She could see herself flush from the face down to the neck as she saw all the marks on her body. Eleven lovely bite marks and small bruises to be exact.
Well, what did she expect? She had kept asking Natsuki for more last night. The fiery attraction between them only grew stronger after the second time in the elevator, and when they proceeded to desecrate every corner of Natsuki's apartment. It was as if Natsuki awakend something in her. And to think it was Shizuru's first time…Done many times.
She could still remember the way Natsuki had made each mark on her torso with her mouth, the bruises on her limbs made by rough movements. A spot of crimson between her breasts was made when they did it on the couch. The smudge of bluish green on her left thigh happened when they did it against a wall.
A shiver ran down her spine and made her skin tingle; she hadn't expected herself to be the type who liked it rough. She also didn't expect her first time to be with a girl, but she had anticipated it ever since she met Natsuki.
Another thing she'd never imagined was falling fast and hard. And it had to be for someone infamous for her promiscuity. Because of that notion, she had fled this morning from Natsuki's apartment without saying goodbye, afraid that she'd be chucked out now that Natsuki had slept with her. She wasn't sure she could take it if that happened.
After the water filled up the tub, she stepped into and submerged her body, the opaque liquid concealing the marks on her skin. She needed to forget last night, as it made her wonder aimlessly what Natsuki could have felt about it. What was Natsuki doing now? Is she disappointed that I left? Is she angry? Maybe she doesn't care. Perhaps it was just an ordinary night for her. Possibly she's found another girl right now.
Perhaps I'll never see her again.
.
"Oh. My. God. I can't believe DJ Kuga is playing. It's just so unexpected!"
"I thought a band was going to play for us, but this is just way better."
A bunch of excited students passed by as Tate and Reito proceeded to the dance floor. Shizuru's heart sped up its beating as she instantly recognised the person on stage behind the DJ booth.
"You're early, great!" Haruka smiled excitedly as she hugged her. Shizuru stiffly hugged her in return.
"Happy Birthday, Shi-chan!" She greeted and turned them both to the direction of the stage. "Did you see your—oh, my present just disappeared to the control room. I told her she couldn't smoke in here," Haruka frowned slightly, unusually not too angry about it.
Shizuru sighed. I'm not sure I'll be getting my present this time.
Haruka didn't seem to notice Shizuru's expression, still feeling confident about her surprise. "Well, could you go and remind her of the auditorium rules hmm? But don't be too long," Haruka smiled and winked suggestively before heading to the bar.
Shizuru was silent but gave a slight smile at Haruka's surprising behavior. But then she grew nervous when she crossed the dance floor gradually filling up with people, and reached the stage. Climbing up the shorts steps, she went towards the back where the control room was. She tentatively knocked on the closed door before slowly swinging it open.
Natsuki wasn't smoking. She was shuffling around, gathering several records in her arm and didn't look up. Shizuru swallowed the lump in her throat before speaking.
"Natsuki."
Natsuki gave a slight nod and went flipping through her CD case. "Hey," she said while barely even looking at Shizuru.
Shizuru watched Natsuki walking about the room while clearly avoiding the sight of her. She couldn't remember what she was supposed to say. The memorable song playing outside and the furious beating of her heart drowned out her own voice from her ears as she said, "I didn't know you were going to be here. I…"
"Well," Natsuki grunted while she seemed to be immersed in examining her mixing equipment. "It's not as if you didn't have all the chances to ask," she shrugged nonchalantly and continued, "I can't chat long. I need to play music, not with feelings." She strode past Shizuru and swung the door open.
"Natsuki, if this is about happened this morning—"
"What happened?" Natsuki said in sham forgetfulness as she faced her. "I'm sorry, but I don't seem to remember because I got too stoned to do so."
Natsuki looked down and shut her mouth in slight embarrassment, realising that it was immature of her to blatantly pretend. She was ashamed of wanting Shizuru to learn how fucked up she got doing drugs again after she left her. It wasn't right to blame Shizuru for her own bad decisions but her temper was preventing her from being fair.
Shizuru blinked and a pang of guilt struck inside her. "I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye," she managed to say. "But I was scared because I just knew you were going to let me leave," she said, her voice growing thick with emotion.
Natsuki growled in frustration. "What the hell made you think that? Was it the way I fucked you all night?! Or that I tried to change myself just for you?" she shot at her.
"How the hell would I know that you wanted me to stay?" Shizuru shot back and inwardly cringed at how she couldn't contain her language. She didn't like how Natsuki put last night, and that was exactly what she was afraid of. She steeled her gaze and said, "You don't exactly convey the 'serious relationship' type!"
"Well, you didn't act like a girl who could break my heart, but you did anyway!" Natsuki nearly shouted.
"I didn't know you had a heart!" Shizuru rejoined but immediately regretted it, her ire causing her consideration to flounder.
Natsuki's face flushed in a mixture of emotions, and she dug her hand inside her pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper, brandishing it in front of Shizuru's face. "Remember this?" she uttered lowly.
She grabbed Shizuru's wrist, looking intently, her bloodshot eyes expressing a blend of anger and hurt. She jammed the paper into Shizuru's palm and said, "Maybe you should read it again. And then you can come and tell me who the hell here is heartless."
Shizuru was stunned as she watched Natsuki exit the room with heavy strides. She stared at the ball of paper in her hand and smoothed it out to read. Her throat suddenly went dry. Guilt tugged at her chest again so strong that she almost rushed outside to the stage to follow Natsuki. But right now she couldn't, as she could hear her already mixing live.
She read the note again. The tears pricked at the corners of her eyes at how sweet it was. She couldn't believe she missed it this morning. Natsuki thought she had read it and disregarded her request to stay. She wanted me to stay.
She sighed in frustration and the tears fell. She wiped them away hastily and looked outside the door. There was Natsuki, working at the mixers and glaring at everything. The floor grew crowded and some of them even chanted Natsuki's name when she started playing. The lights flashed crazily in the darkened room as the Darius and Finlay (1) track played, and the large screen on the stage illuminated Natsuki's back. She didn't seem to care that Shizuru was still behind her.
She stepped out of the room and crossed the stage discreetly while glancing a few times at Natsuki. The DJ caught her while she turned to her laptop and pretended not to notice.
Shizuru choked back another wave of tears. She wanted to run to her and apologise on her knees, but stood back. Now was not the time. She balanced on her trembling legs while she stepped down the stage and headed towards the doors. She didn't want to see Haruka so eager to ask if she liked her surprise and decided to avoid her.
She got outside and shut the door, blocking out the music and the crowd's excited shouting. The cold air instantly chilled her as opposed to the heat from inside. She attempted to warm up her arms with her hands and unconsciously tried to calm herself from crying. Her shoulders were stiff from suppressing the sobs that threatened to burst, yet people didn't seem to notice as they were eagerly heading towards the entrance and some of them recognised her.
She tried her best to be polite to them but her train of thought was somewhere else. She was angry at herself now for being so stupid as to miss the note. Natsuki had looked so wounded in their argument, and it was all her fault; she was a coward for not daring to believe that Natsuki felt deeply for her. It was not like Natsuki was pretending to be sweet last night, but Shizuru had thought so anyway, bringing in another round of sobs to suppress.
Then another problem presented itself as she recognised a white convertible arrogantly rolling in to park right in front of the entrance, its rims gleaming in the dark. A black van followed close behind and parked right next to Chikane's car. Two men in bright suits stepped out of the van and leaned casually against it.
"Shizuru!" Chikane exclaimed as she exited the vehicle in a beautiful short dress, but Shizuru was too alarmed to appreciate it.
Her old friend climbed up the short steps with a wide smile and hugged her. "Hey, Happy Birthday! Finally I got to see you again. I miss you," she squeezed. Chikane's bubbly attitude certainly betrayed her dark capabilities.
Shizuru squeezed back, trying to mirror Chikane's excitement and managed a smile, "Thank you. I missed you too, Chikane. Where's Himeko?"
Chikane flipped her long midnight hair and shrugged. "She's doing a photoshoot." She smiled at Shizuru again and dropped the subject, "So, I heard a hot DJ is playing. I really want to meet her."
In her hidden panic Shizuru could have sworn Chikane had a deadly glint in her eyes as she said it. Her mind was reeling as to what Chikane's hidden intentions were. Knowing her, she would probably confront Natsuki about the whole ordeal with Himeko. She wasn't entirely sure, but the cold fear in her stomach instinctively told her that something wrong was going to happen. What else were those two thugs here for?
"Ah, well she isn't that good," Shizuru stalled nervously. "I mean, this party is lame! I wanted to ditch, there's the ZoukOut at Yoyogi Park and I want you to come with me!" She hid her anxiety while grabbing Chikane's arm to walk her back towards the car. The men at the van merely smirked.
Chikane giggled. "Shizuru! How could you say Haruka's party is lame?" She pulled a mumbling Shizuru to stop and said, "Stop being silly, let's get inside," she grinned and headed towards the door. Shizuru glanced at the two thugs, too glad that they weren't coming along.
"See? The place is awesome!" Chikane smirked at Shizuru disbelievingly and took her arm. "Look, there's Haruka. I miss that party monster," she laughed and dragged them both to the bar where Haruka was sitting with Yukino.
Shizuru sat anxiously at the bar while Haruka and Yukino were busily reacquainting with Chikane. She inwardly gasped when Chikane was making fleeting glances at the stage.
"Shizuru-san." Behind the bar, Mai was looking worriedly at her. She beckoned Shizuru to lean across the bar top to whisper in her ear. "I didn't know Himemiya-san was going to be here. Do you know that she's after Natsuki?" she asked nervously.
Shizuru's eyes widened, her fears were confirmed. "How do you know that?"
Mai pursed her lips and pretended to be busy with a drink. She leaned over casually and whispered, "You know about how Natsuki fooled around with Himeko, right?" Shizuru nodded and Mai continued, "Well, we both know how Chikane's like. Natsuki used to work for her father. If she finds that out, Natsuki could be in big trouble."
Shizuru drew out a breath as she processed all that Mai said.
"I think I need a drink," she muttered and glanced at her side. Chikane was still preoccupied while chatting with Haruka.
Mai slammed two shot glasses in front of her and said, "Your friend needs a drink too," Mai quirked an eyebrow at her.
Shizuru looked confused and was about to ask, then Mai added, "I'll be sure to keep it coming."
"Shizuru, what are you having? Drinks are on me," Chikane said enthusiastically while not noticing the exchange Shizuru had with Mai. "I haven't seen you guys in so long! Damn, we have some catching up to do."
Shizuru glanced briefly at Mai who nudged at the shot glasses, as if suggesting something. Then Shizuru understood. "Ara, you're certainly right, Chikane. How about we have a little drinking game?"
.
Natsuki's heart was pounding as she saw Chikane Himemiya enter with Shizuru. Her hands were sweating as she turned a record on the deck with her fingers.
She was swearing nervously while watching Chikane at the bar talking to Shizuru's friends. They were all friends. Natsuki swallowed while she flipped another disc to play to distract herself.
Every so often she would glance up. She saw Chie nodding up at her. Aoi waved and she nodded back. Anh Lu was near the stage chatting up a girl. Some guys tried to catch her eye, but they were met with a glare. She caught Shizuru staring at her and tore her eyes away. She noticed Mai grimacing worriedly at her while she worked on a drink.
Natsuki shook her head and removed all the distractions. For over an hour she never looked up and blocked out all of her thoughts as she played the synth on a Fedde Le Grand track (2). Every minute ticked by agonisingly slow as she poured all her effort to concentrate. It was as if she woke up from her drug-induced slumber back to the oppressive world of her sickeningly glamorous job and all the problems that went with it.
After another thirty minutes of nonstop mixing, her resolved faltered. She looked up to see what Shizuru was doing, but she wasn't facing her anymore. Instead, Chikane was staring straight at her while she downed a shot.
She suddenly winked in her direction.
Natsuki involuntarily shivered. The gnawing thought that Chikane would confront her any time now made it difficult for her to focus. And then there was her cell vibrating wildly in her pocket. She muttered in frustration and yanked her headphones off to check it.
Yamada was calling but she ignored it. There was a text from Mai. Another text from Chie.
She ignored them all. She knew what they were all going to say.
This could be your last show, Kuga.
She wanted to run and get out. Yamada trying to call her. Mai warning her of Chikane. Chikane watching her. Chie who was pressuring her. The crowd shouting her name. She wanted to leave it all behind.
But once you're at the party, it's hard to leave.
.
"Ara, I don't think I can take any more!" Shizuru exclaimed. She feigned disgust as she dropped the shot glass on the bar top.
Chikane giggled. "Shizuru this was your idea. Don't tell me you lose already!"
"I accept my defeat," Shizuru said dramatically and looked over at her friend. She felt guilty that her reason for starting the drinking game was to get Chikane drunk. And she succeeded; Chikane was now leaning heavily against her with an arm around her shoulders and the dangerous glint in her eyes was gone. Shizuru mentally thanked the gods that her own alcohol tolerance was high, otherwise she wouldn't have survived this idea to sidetrack Chikane from doing whatever she planned to do to Natsuki.
"Aww, that's too bad," Chikane pouted. "Well, I think it's about time I meet the DJ. I've been dying to talk to her!"
Shizuru laughed nervously, her plan had taken a slight turn. "Chikane, I don't think she's up for that right now. I mean, she is still playing. Why don't we join Haruka and Yukino dancing over there?" she held Chikane's waist and tried to lead her to the dance floor.
"You're being really silly again, Shiz," Chikane stopped them both and smiled amusedly at Shizuru. "C'mon, don't you want to meet her too? She's really hot!"
"Ara, what would Himeko say?"
"Oh, be a sport Shizuru!"
"But she's still a bit…busy," Shizuru weakly countered, her voice drifting off as Chikane merely laughed again and skipped off towards the stage. She followed miserably; even after consuming copious amounts of alcohol, Chikane still managed to remember Natsuki. Shizuru's only comfort was that Chikane was probably not thinking of anything harmful to do to Natsuki anymore.
"Hey, Kuga! I wanna meet you!" Chikane exclaimed and grabbed Natsuki's arm to lug her away from the mixers.
Shizuru would have laughed if she wasn't so worried. She watched Natsuki remove her headphones with a surprised frown as she was being dragged towards the back of the stage.
"Hey, wait a second!" Natsuki protested and stopped the both of them when they reached the control room door. Chikane turned around to face her. Her eyes were unfocused and she had just said something silly. Wasn't this girl supposed to be ruthless and intimidating and not drunk? This was not at all how she expected to be confronted. She glanced inquiringly at Shizuru, a small blush forming on her face. However her gaze was cut off by Chikane coming closer.
"Well, now I know why Himeko wouldn't tell me who you are," she said in sing-song manner, tracing her finger along Natsuki's arm and leaning close to her face. Natsuki's eyes widened and she continued, "Because you're so damn hot, she knew I'd punish you myself," she smiled deviously.
Okay, I should have known a drunken Chikane would do this. Shizuru paled.
Well, shit. Did she just hit on me? Natsuki pulled back her arm and was about to retort when Shizuru hastily stepped in.
"Ara, Chikane I haven't introduced you," she said and moved closer to Natsuki. "This is my girlfriend, Natsuki Kuga."
Natsuki suppressed a gape. Chikane laughed incredulously.
"What? You're joking right?" she volleyed her eyes between them. "I know you're straight Shiz."
"Not anymore," Shizuru shrugged and took Natsuki's hand. "Right, sweetie?"
"O-of course," said Natsuki quickly replied.
Chikane raised her brows at them both. "Don't ruin this for me Shizuru," she laughed and turned to Natsuki. "Come with me, Na-tsu-ki," she grabbed Natsuki's other hand.
Shizuru almost glared at her and yanked Natsuki's hand back. "My girlfriend is staying with me, Chikane."
Chikane frowned as if her sobriety was regained after Shizuru pushed her hand away. "Don't tell me you're really with this bitch who touched my Himeko?" she scoffed.
Natsuki growled but Shizuru held her back. "So now you want to touch her too? Please Chikane," Shizuru sighed. "Let it go before I tell Himeko about this."
Chikane was taken aback. "You wouldn't. She won't listen to you," she drawled.
"Well, it's not that hard to believe, I think," Shizuru said. "I've known you for years. I know how many times you've hurt her. And the one time Himeko hurt you, you just couldn't take it."
Chikan folded her arms wordlessly and sighed. Her alcohol-addled mind had to admit Shizuru was right.
"You broke up that time, so she didn't cheat on you," Shizuru explained. "I know you were planning to hurt Natsuki, but you're just hurting Himeko all over again."
Natsuki was overwhelmed by the complete turn of events. Here was Shizuru defending her, handling the situation in the best way possible. She was still holding her hand, and Natsuki squeezed it gently in gratitude.
"Well, damnit. I wasn't really going to hurt her anymore. You know how I am when I'm drunk!" Chikane muttered sheepishly. Shizuru's words were finally sinking in, and her demeanor significantly softened.
"So I'll forgive you for hitting on Natsuki," Shizuru smiled, effectively lifting the tension in the air.
Chikane rolled her eyes and waved a hand dismissively. "Fine, fine. Just don't tell on me, okay? Himeko will kill me," she pleaded and draped an arm around Shizuru's shoulders. "God, I'm smashed. I wanna go home to Himeko now."
.
After Shizuru helped Chikane into her car (in the backseat, she made sure), she was now waving goodbye to the retreating vehicle. She giggled when Chikane suddenly sat up to wave back at her.
"I am not playing drinking games with you anymore, Shizuru!" she yelled with a drunken slur, her voice drifted in volume as the car reached a distance.
Shizuru laughed in relief. I hope I never have to again.
She sighed and congratulated herself for pulling it off. She didn't expect Chikane to act that way towards Natsuki, however, but she should have known. Still, it was better to have her hit on Natsuki than to hurt her. She would thank Mai later for the somewhat ill-advised but brilliant idea. For now, the note was still clutched in her hand while she contemplated on how to apologise to Natsuki.
Meanwhile, Natsuki stood outside the door after letting Anh Lu take over the party for the rest of the night. She was watching Shizuru still lingering at the parking lot even after Chikane left, hugging herself from the cold.
She was still feeling heady with relief. The thought of Chikane coming after her was no longer a problem. All because of what Shizuru had done. Natsuki thought that Shizuru didn't want anything to do with her anymore. But just moments ago she went out of her way to save her, pretending to be her girlfriend, and she was probably the one who made Chikane drunk.
She walked quietly to where Shizuru was standing and thought maybe Shizuru didn't realise yet that she was altering her former ways. Everyone knew how she wasn't interested in relationships, and that scared Shizuru. She could see that now. Maybe a note just wasn't enough to prove it.
Shizuru's back was still turned when Natsuki approached her. She slid her hands around her waist and hugged her, asking "Are you cold?"
Shizuru was a little startled but she didn't resist the unexpected embrace. "I-I'm all right."
"You're shivering," Natsuki noted and held her tighter. Shizuru didn't reply but leaned back into the hug.
"Shizuru."
"Yes?"
Natsuki rested her chin on Shizuru's shoulder and asked casually, "Did you make her drunk?"
She grinned when she felt Shizuru's cheek growing warm against her face. Natsuki suddenly had the strong urge to kiss her.
"Ah, yes I did. It seemed like a good idea," Shizuru mumbled. "Well, it worked, didn't it?"
Natsuki chuckled softly. "You did that to your friend, for me?"
"Yes, my friend who was probably going to hurt you instead of seduce you if I didn't let her drink that much," Shizuru said wryly and laughed.
Natsuki turned Shizuru around to face her. "There's one more thing, that if you didn't do, she would probably really try to seduce me."
Shizuru dropped her gaze to ground and said, "I wonder how many times we have to pretend that we're together."
"I wish we didn't have to pretend."
Natsuki tugged at Shizuru's hand for her to come closer and encircled her arms around her waist in another embrace. "I missed you this morning," she playfully whined and tried to lighten up the mood, but Shizuru looked at her apologetically.
"Natsuki…I'm sorry," she whispered and held Natsuki's face in her hands. "I didn't mean what I said to you earlier. I wanted to stay," she said and bit her lip. "I just wasn't sure that you wanted me to."
"I understand now why you left," Natsuki said, looking at the ground. "I'm not exactly the serious relationship type, like you said." She grimaced slightly and leaned her face into Shizuru's hands. Shizuru opened her mouth to speak but Natsuki silenced her with a shake of the head and dropped a kiss on her palm.
"But I wanted to change that when I met you. I want to completely start over. I'll quit my job, quit all my bad habits, and just be with you. I want to be worth it for you."
Shizuru stared at her for a moment, then brought her face closer and kissed her firmly, apologising with her lips on Natsuki's own. She had no idea that Natsuki felt this way, immensely delighting her and at the same time saddening her that they had to go all through everything that happened to find out. Natsuki seemed to have forgiven her as her kisses were now wandering all over Shizuru's face.
Shizuru sighed contentedly and hugged Natsuki's waist. "I want to be with you too, Natsuki. I feel so stupid that I missed your note. It was so sweet. I really would have stayed."
Natsuki pulled back to face her. "You missed it?"
Shizuru nodded sadly against her shoulder. "I didn't think I'd see you again. Would you let me make it up to you?"
"I should be the one asking that, Shizuru," Natsuki wistfully smiled. "But there are a lot of things you should know about me. Like how I was really scared that Himemiya was after me, because I used to work for her father. Maybe she'll still come after me when she finds that out."
Shizuru then remembered Natsuki's tattoo, only realising now that it was a symbol for the Himemiya Oyabun. But that didn't deter her; if Natsuki used to work for Chikane's father, it meant that she also worked for Shizuru's. But she didn't want to divulge that now when she looked up at Natsuki's face etched with worry, and kissed her again to ease her. Natsuki closed her eyes and sighed.
"I won't let anything happen to you," Shizuru assured. "Even if it means another drinking game with Chikane," she joked.
Natsuki laughed but quickly turned serious. It was all worth it that she went through every agonising moment in her life with Shizuru there to remind her that it wasn't too late to turn a new leaf. It was Shizuru who made her realise that she'd been living her life wrong, and taught her the lessons that she was previously afraid to learn; the pain of rejection, the uncertainties of falling in love, the consequences of her recklessness and her apathy towards other people. She no longer felt like that person. Shizuru would be the first to see all those changes in her life. She would make sure of it.
Shizuru was smiling at her, completely unaware of her effect over Natsuki. She tenderly held Shizuru's hand against her chest, finding no words for how grateful she was.
"You know this time," Natsuki said as she played with Shizuru's fingers. "It was you who really saved me."
(1) "Do It All Night (Michael Mind remix)" by Darius and Finlay. This one's for Ashley (1eightydf). Oh, and cool song too ;)
(2) "Get This Feeling" by Fedde Le Grand. Natsuki playing this track looks so hot in my mind. Damn.
