The Stand Still

By: SukiNora

Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own them, I just like to play with them.

Pairings: 1+2, 3X4, 5x?

Warnings: Heero POV

Chapter 9

A.N. This probably will be the 2nd to last chapter. I'm so sorry about the long wait for this update, the story is not dead and neither is Japan Air, I've just had so little time this quarter. However, I do want to apologize for the lengthy periods between my updates. I will try to get better I promise. Thank you for all the reviews even after so long without an update, I read and appreciate them all.

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We didn't fly to L2 ourselves. There's no way Duo would have been given clearance, since he was still on his leave, and if word got out that I was taking him to L2, I'd most likely be banned from piloting forever. Lady Une would not be pleased when she found out my "sick days" were actually take Duo to L2 days. She'd have to discharge two preventers now. One for murdering a suspect, and the other for aiding and abetting.

I didn't tell the guys that we were leaving. The phone was put off the hook, and when they noticed me missing from work and Duo gone, I was sure they would figure it out. It seemed must easier than spending hours trying to explain the situation to them. After all, I had a hard enough time explaining the situation to myself.

I glanced over at Duo, staring intensely out the window of the shuttle. He looked very statuesque staring out that window. His eyes as empty as the dark void he was staring out at. And while the scene was very visually appeasing, I wasn't sure I liked him with that stature. I'd seen it too many times on myself. His body radiated with pure determination, and that bothered me. That look wasn't meant for Duo.

His eyes have always been so full of emotion. I can always tell how he's feeling by the look in his eye, and he's told me on multiple occasions how irksome he finds it. He's too expressive for his own good, it's how I know he's going to murder someone.

"Stop looking at me," he mumbled, his gaze unaltered.

Sighing, I turned my head towards the aisle. The woman sitting next to us was still staring at our uniforms, Preventers were not usually seen on commercial shuttle flights, and judging by her age it was probably the first time she'd ever seen an agent in the flesh. I hadn't even wanted to wear the uniforms. We didn't really have a reason to, especially since the flight was coming out of our own pockets anyway, but Duo was very adamant about wearing his uniform. It was like he thought hiding behind our organization would make murder easier. Half of me was surprised he wasn't wearing his priest's outfit, but I guess hiding behind God was too blasphemous, even for him.

I haven't murdered someone since I was 18 years old. There have been people killed in the cross fire at raids, assailants who were put down in gun fire trying to resist arrest, but all those deaths occurred in the line of duty. It's been years since I went up to someone, stared them dead in the eye, and then killed them, no matter how much they deserved death. Sitting on that shuttle I vaguely wondered whether or not Duo had ever murdered someone in cold blood.

After surviving two wars, I would assume that he had, that all of us had. But there was something different about Duo from the rest of us, and I could never quite figure out what it was. He never carried the same guilt we all did. Maybe it was because his hands were clean, but maybe it was because murder didn't bother him. Maybe he just had a great poker face. At the time, I wasn't sure which option I would have preferred.

I couldn't help glancing back over at Duo, and I'm sure he was getting annoyed with my roaming eyes. There was just something about him. I let out a deep sigh as I folded my hands in my lap. It had to be love.

I've heard for years that love makes people do crazy things, unfortunately it's mostly at crime scenes in which women have killed their husbands.

My situation wasn't too different from that unfortunately. Love made them kill their husbands, love was making me follow Duo to L2, where death would surely be inevitable.

The whole flight I couldn't get this thought out of my mind: this was not the right way to begin a relationship.

The guys would never forgive me for letting him do this. Hell, I wasn't sure I would ever forgive myself for this. I was letting both our careers be destroyed and giving the go ahead for Duo to traumatize himself. Distancing yourself from death is easy, coping with the death of an innocent person is not. And while the man Duo was hunting was no where near the realm of innocence, I couldn't help wondering whether or not this was just about vengeance. Whether or not this whole trip was about purging Duo of his guilt for the death of that little girl and his recruit. I understood that guilt, but didn't want to believe his obsession had been spurred from his own selfish gain.

Part of me hated myself for even letting that thought come into my mind. Somewhere deep in me I knew that Duo was not hunting this man to make his own pain stop. I think I was just bitter that he wouldn't even let me try to take his guilt away before resorting to murder.

For years Duo has been my salvation. The one thing that actually makes me feel better when the nightmares start up again. Knowing that he was down the hall was an unspeakable comfort, and I felt a distinct feeling of unfairness that I could not be the same comfort for him. Especially since he wasn't even inclined to let me attempt to be.

I knew what Duo was going through. My actions in the war lead to the deaths of many innocent people. My direct actions. Duo wasn't even responsible for the death of the child or his recruit, so the guilt he was feeling couldn't have been that much. At least not enough to be so strong that I couldn't make him feel better.

If I could live a some what normal life, and forgive myself to a point where I could function in society, I could help Duo get over something that hadn't been his fault.

But he didn't care about that. In fact, he wouldn't even acknowledge that I could help him, that wasn't Duo's style. He didn't want anything from me, most certainly not help.

'Or compassion,' I thought to myself.

I became aware just how bitter I was about the whole situation when a sharp pain shot through my jaw. Gritting my teeth has been a very bad habit that I've yet to break.

"Sure I can't talk you out of this?" I mumbled as I massaged my jaw, glancing over at my partner. I wasn't expecting a positive response, but I figured since he was already aggravated I may as well ask.

His shoulders rose and fell visibly from his sigh of exasperation. "We're already on the shuttle, Heero. Give it up," he growled through locked jaw.

It was a better response than I excepted (no swearing), so I shrugged. "Just thought I'd ask."

"You've been asking for five hours," he grumbled. "Stop."

"If we go back to Earth I will stop," I replied matter of factly, shooting a glare his way.

Duo turned from the window and stared at me with a look that projected the very essence of his irritation. "You didn't have to come," he stated, looking me dead in the eye before turning back to the window.

Looking at him while he said that, I realized something very important about myself, and my feelings for Duo.

This whole act had been going on for years. He'd run off and I'd run off after him. He'd get into trouble and I'd get him out of it. All those times I had blindly followed him... maybe they hadn't been so blind after all.

"Yes I did," I mumbled, lowering my head and turning my gaze onto his hands, resting on his knees. They tensed as the words came out of my mouth.

I didn't raise my head, I didn't really need to because I could feel his wide eyes burning into the side of my head. We weren't really used to these types of declarations yet. At least I wasn't used to making them, and he obviously wasn't good at accepting them. Relationships were never a big part in either of our lives, and without having one person with experience, we were kind of fumbling around in the dark with the whole "love" thing. But even as forward as Duo can be, these were the types of situations that he would never initiate seriously.

Never before have I ever wanted Quatre's advice. Of course the one time I want it is the one time I can't call and ask for it.

Slowly, and very carefully, while keeping my eyes down, I inched my hand toward his. I never realized how much actions of infatuation mirrored that of a wounded animal approaching the alpha male.

I paused my hand for a moment. Thinking of Duo as the alpha male of the group sent a slight shiver down my spine. Wufei would kill him or anyone else who questioned his role as the "top dog" of the group.

When my hand finally found his, I only slightly brushed it with my pinky. I wanted to judge his reaction at the touch before progressing. This was so new for both of us, and I didn't want to scare the idea of a relationship out of Duo just by holding hands too quickly.

I glanced up when his hand flinched away from the slight contact. I couldn't say that I didn't expect the action, only that it still hurt. His eyes were wide and fearful. Just the look one wants to see on the face of someone they are trying to be intimate with.

I stilled my hand, and we stared at each other for what felt like an eternity before Duo gulped down the last of his control and pulled his hand from mine.

"I," he stuttered, pulling both hands onto his lap and rubbing them together, as though my touch had infected him with some disease. "I don't think we should get into this right now."

Lowering my eyes, I pulled my hand back clutching it into a fist. "Alright," I whispered, soft enough that I wasn't sure he even heard.

Maybe it had been a mistake to follow him.

"Please don't take it that way," he muttered, the hesitance apparent in his voice. I wondered how much effort it took him to say that.

"Is there any other way to take it?" Unfortunately, I couldn't keep the bitterness out of my speech, and I know he heard the tone. He got the kicked puppy look on his face.

"Heero," Duo began, only to be interrupted.

"Excuse me, sirs?"

Both our heads shot up. "We'll be docking on L2 shortly, I'll need you to fasten yourselves now."

I nodded the flight attendant and she went on her way, reminding other unobservant people to strap themselves down.

We both fastened ourselves to our seats in silence. There just didn't seem like there was much to say anymore.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

"He'll spoon with me at home, but when it comes to a hotel we have to pay extra for separate beds," I grumbled, throwing my suitcase on the queen sized bed closest to the window.

Things with Duo were beginning to get ridiculous. We barely talked on the way from the shuttle port, and when we finally arrived at the hotel he blindly told our cashier we "should probably have a room with two beds."

"Two beds my ass," I mumbled, throwing myself face down onto mattress. "Probably only wants two so that he can sneak out easier."

In all honesty, I'm glad that I thought of that particular explanation. When he told the hotel worker we'd need two beds, I panicked a little bit. Not because I wanted to sleep with Duo, but because we'd never gotten a hotel with separate beds. Even during the wars. What was the point? It was more expensive, and Duo usually ended up in my bed anyway. So what changed if not his feelings for me?

I sighed to myself, grabbing one of the pillows and holding it to myself. Maybe I didn't want to think about what had changed. I'd probably destroyed what was left of our friendship by mentioning love.

Duo doesn't do love. And I knew that, so why did I even bring it up?

'Maybe I do love him,' I thought to myself, staring at the badly painted walls of our hotel room. I could feel the corners of my mouth dragging. Stupid love.

I hurled my body off the bed and reached for my gun as the door to our hotel room opened. There stood Duo, in the doorway. He didn't look surprised to have a gun pointing at him, which he shouldn't have. We always reverted back to our old ways a little too much when we were in an unfamiliar environment, a by- product of years worth of violence and surprise attacks.

"Just me," he said softly, setting his suitcase down near the empty bed and sat on the edge of it, staring down at his shoes.

I lowered my gun and set it on the bedside table.

He looked completely void of emotion. I was getting somewhat irritated at the fact that he kept looking so unlike himself. Duo wasn't supposed to be the stoic one. He's never been the stoic one, and he never should be.

He was just supposed to be stupid. He should just laugh and crack jokes at inappropriate times like he always did. He was supposed to be the guy who created awkward situations for his own enjoyment and entertainment, not the one who naturally created them. I hated that things changed. It wasn't fair. I didn't like the way Duo was acting and I wasn't sure how long I could go on being civil. The whole situation was just too unnatural.

"Are you going to bed?" He asked when I threw myself back down on the bed.

"Probably," I grumbled, unable to keep the annoyed tone out of my voice. It was all I could do to not question him about his sleeping choice. Maybe I was just too repulsive for him. That's probably the same reason he would never let me actually comfort him, didn't want my dirty hands on him.

I scoffed and rolled off the bed, intent on going to the bathroom and washing said hands.

"Where are you going?" Duo asked, his eyes following me as I stalked past him.

"Bathroom," I muttered, trying to shake his gaze.

I stood in front of the mirror, my hands clenched into fists on both sides of the sink, and stared at my reflection. I looked surprisingly haggard. My hair was slightly messier than usual, I had bags under my eyes, and despite shaving the previous morning, it seemed as though my beard was growing at twice its normal speed, an unfortunate thing that happens when I get stressed.

"God," I mumbled to myself, reaching down and turning the water to it's coldest setting. I stared at myself as the temperature became frigid.

"This is getting ridiculous," I muttered, splashing the water against my face and neck.

My glasses suddenly felt very heavy in my pocket, and my eyes became dry. Suddenly I realized that I shouldn't care what Duo thought of me. After all, the only thing that I wanted him to feel was obviously out of the question, and after that, why did it matter? I simply would never be the object of his affection. So, there was no point.

I let out a long sigh as I took out my contacts. Even though I knew that my vision was a great liability, sometimes I liked to see the world as a fuzzy mass of colors. It was nice to have things seem simple.

It took a lot of will power not to survey the bathroom for a place to hide my contacts case. I stood firm and glared at the case where it sat on the edge of the sink before unfolding my glasses and putting them on.

Putting my glasses on didn't make me look any less haggard, but at least I wasn't hiding anymore.

I stripped down to my underwear, leaving only my boxers and undershirt. Duo could be as uncomfortable as he wanted to be with my choice of attire, my only concern tonight was comfort. After all, I was surely in for a very uncomfortable couple weeks.

I left the rest of my clothes on the bathroom floor and, taking one last took at myself in the mirror, I prepared myself for the outside world of the hotel room.

Duo was laying in his bed when I came out, and I'm ashamed to say that I was slightly relieved that he wouldn't be getting a glimpse of my slightly nerdy attire. Guess I was more self conscious than I thought.

I sat on the edge of my bed and stared at him. He laid facing the wall, the curve of his body casting a strange looking shadow on the wall from the dim light that he choose to leave on over the night stand.

Somehow the low light encased him as he slept, and for a moment I swore that his outline was glowing.

Breathing deeply I tore my gaze away from him and turned to stare at my feet. They were fairly disgusting. I've always hated my feet. My toenails always seemed as though they needed clipping, and the soles always became so it that little flakes of skin would come off in my socks if I didn't lotion them. They reminded me of dinosaur feet.

The bed creaked as Duo sat up, but I was too busy wondering whether or not I had packed my foot lotion to even notice until the bed sunk as he took a seat next to me.

Together, we were frozen. Horrified at what had come of us, we sat completely still, barely even breathing. Neither of us wanted to be the one to break the ice, the tension between us was much to brittle.

I heard him gulp next to me, and suddenly I became very aware of the situation. We were both afraid.

The bed shifted again and in a moment I found myself staring at Duo's socked feet standing across from my own bare ones. It's always driven me insane that he sleeps with his socks on.

His hand found it's way under my chin, and with the pressure he added, I slowly tilted my head to look up at him. He looked like a terrified child who was about to be scolded by a parent. I'm sure I looked like a wounded animal about to be finished off by the hunter.

Our eyes locked and we just stared at each other until his hand shifted from my chin to trace the rims of my glasses. I could feel my face growing warmer by the second, by the point where knew that if I didn't get his hands off my face I'd turn into a tomato.

I lightly shook my head, and while he did stop exploring my frames, both hands were holding onto the sides of my face. I looked up at him with wide eyes until he brought his lips down lightly on mine.

It was nothing to talk about, very firm, tentative, but both of us were new to this and testing the waters was fine with me. We fumbled around in his stale lip lock for a while, before I tried putting a hand on the back of his neck. The second my hand touched his flesh I jerked it back. Obviously, it had been too personal a gesture.

He pulled back and licked his lips. "Was it too weird?" He asked, dropping his hands from my face to shoulders.

I took in a deep breath and thought about it. It shocked me how quickly the answer came. "Just," I started, not quite getting a grip on what I was trying to say. "New."

He nodded, though he still looked slightly rejected. Slowly, I wrapped my arms around his waist and gave a light tug. A small smile formed on his face, as he slowly came closer, finally placing both knees on the bed and straddling me. Kissing, maybe not yet, but I'm sorry to say we've sat this way before. Actually, as I was recalling all the things we had done, we'd been in a lot of weird and compromising situations. Duo never seemed to mind, and while I had at the time, now it just felt kind of natural.

This time when I put my hand on the back of his neck, I kept it there.

"I like your glasses," he breathed out against my lips, wrapping his arms around me.

I chuckled, through clumsy gasps as he started licking my ear lobe. "Thanks."

"Lets make it work," he whispered in my ear, lightly planting a kiss on the side of my neck. I could barely hear him over my labored breathing, but the words sunk in somehow, and after swallowing the rest of my fears, I nodded.